Dragoncrest Cliffs i don't know that my mom loves me anymore

@Antumbra

nomi's return has been permanently marred by the news that mother has turned natrona and taken her sister with her. 

when she was a girl, her mother's absence had weighed her down like stones lining her ribcage. her fierce desire to find her, return her safely to drageda, to blixen, had been the very thing that drove her into training with nomi and eske as a gona. now, though, she can see even her mother's return had been fraught from the beginning -- so much growth had separated them, and then her conflict with furi. blixen wonders: had her mother been so unhappy? is it her fault for not spending more time with her, for being distracted by her duties, for losing bat --

no.

it isn't guilt that weighs her down anymore but anger, righteous and holy. her mother

the natrona

she is young and impetuous and her blood runs hot. she is impatient and cruel, even, despite her best intentions. she cannot love a natrona. she cannot love a mother that has left her not once but twice -- and without even a goodbye! a natrona who has stolen her baby sister from her (she cannot bring herself to think of kiwi as natrona too -- they're still so young). 

still, all this fury cannot take away the facts. bat was lost under her reign. she took mallaidh back in -- her defenses against nomi's judgment are flimsy, made even more so by her other failures. she wants to hide away from it all but she is not a child and the option does not exist, so she squares her shoulders and calls out for nomi by the shores of the lake, her voice strained.

drageda may not be in the best shape upon her return but everyone is fed, healthy, and not in immediate danger and antumbra doesn’t feel terrible allowing herself time to rest. time alone. time with @Silkie and @Tux. her young boys have been without her for months, relying only on wildfire to take care of them in her absence. the hurt marred across their features that she left with their littermate, how little she did for them when she was here, sets fire to the cold rock storming low in her chest. she’d left them once, although not intention, and she’d seen the damage done then but now anger boils at what she’s left behind again.

the call cuts across the territory. she is not very far from it and welcomes the distraction even if it’s from one hurt child to another.

antumbra takes careful steps through the territory, light and easy despite her size, and slows only when she’s reached the side of the lake blixen stands on.

”hei,” she says when she’s close enough. blixen has grown in the months she’s been gone. she’s done the best she can. antumbra hardly faults her for it and she’ll help guide her through what she’s done and what she could have done and how to fix the mistakes. she does not approach her as a leader but softens when close enough and nuzzles against the girl’s cheek, certain she needs it now more than ever despite the strong bravado she presents.

she knows nomi must be disappointed in her--and if she isnt yet, she will be--but she accepts the affection, anyway, her eyes briefly squeezing shut. in the face of her heda she deflates, feeling so very like how she used to as a child, still trying to prove herself, desperate and eager. the whole world to her had hinged on getting strong enough to keep any more of her family from being taken from her. and she'd failed--in the worst way, because if mother had been attacked or kidnapped or killed and there could be an honest fight, if blix had just failed against an external force, well. that's one thing.

her mother just.. just leaving her? that's something she knows, logically, she couldn't have trained for--and it's crushing.

"m'sorry," the girl mumbles into nomi's shoulder, slipping into trig. "i shoulda found bat, maybe then they would have stayed." she pulls back, quickly steeling her expression. that's not actually why she called for nomi. in english she says, "but i called you to fill you in on the-- what happened while you were gone, besides.. that." starting with--she straightens her shoulders and sucks in a breath--"furi--mallaidh, now--is here. she found kiwi for us when she wandered off, before bat left, and brought her back despite knowing how we feel about, about..." blix pauses. she'd hidden the fact that she'd met furi during her stint with the girls, not wanting to brand her officially as natrona. she's not about to start now. clearing her throat, she continues, "that was a -- that was a good thing, something i felt that--she's a good warrior and brave and we needed more wolves like her. need more." there. its not the most eloquent defense (when is she ever) but it's real and honest and for furi, she will fight, especially as raw as she feels right now. she just hopes nomi will understand.

she’s gotten good over the years shying away her emotion, training to have a stoic face all the time. a judge amongst wolves to make the safest, unbiased opinion. for a while, a little red wolf clouded her judgement and though she can compartmentalize the hurt and angry into something cold and small, she can’t say the same for her children.

tux puts on a strong face as much as he wants but the transparency he hasn’t learned to hide. silkie has been avoiding her. blixen, however, leans right into her and she’s warmed only slightly. she allows herself this softness. she cannot depend on wildfire to take care of the children they’ve created, to be the softer side of their relationship when they hurt. again, she must console her their children when their mother has left them. this time, she is all they have left and she knows now she’ll never put another child through it.

antumbra clenches her jaw as her daughter speaks in apologies, whispering hurting words into her shoulder. she turns her head and cleans at the fur behind her ears in an attempt to soothe her. she knows she’s not good at it.

”do not apologize, or blame yourself. it is not your fault bat went missing,” she says. if anyone, she blames wildfire but she’s not going to deface the woman anymore than she already has done to herself. ”and it is not your fault your mother left.”

in the wake of her return, she’s forgotten about furi (mallaidh?). it had been sitting there patiently waiting since she’d stopped at the maplewood and their leader had spoken of her. as blixen explains, everything sort of falls into place. she doesn’t object to the decision, for it is too late now. antumbra could chase her away but she suspects blixen has done what she needed and if the girl continued to help the family, she’d allow it under a watchful eye.

”she will be your responsibility until i know she’s loyal,” she tells her. some decisions she has to learn from and if furi turns tail and runs away, she’ll understand too. outsiders are hard to trust but if the girl breaks blixen’s heart again, antumbra will physically remove furi’s.

in the wake of wildfire and kiwi’s departure, she doesn’t find it in herself to critique the smaller parts of blixen’s leadership skills. blixen did the best with what she could and a situation that hadn’t been kind to her.

”i want to know more about what happened, and what you’ve done, but know that i am very proud of you. you stepped up. you did your best. and i want you stay on with me and dio, for a little while,” she starts to explain. ”i want to help teach you more about leading because i want you to lead your own branch.”

nomi says it is not your fault and her breath hitches, some part of her belly that's been clenched--since bat's disappearance at least--releasing. in some ways it being her fault would make it easier to swallow. failure is confrontable in a way that abandonment is not. she doesn't have time to dwell too deeply on it, pushing down the flash of anger for now, as nomi accepts furi's reappearance and moves on with more grace than blix deserves or really anticipated.

"thank you," she murmurs, but nomi isn't done talking. as she speaks blixen's eyes grow rounder and rounder, confused and then surprised, her ears flattening against her head. "i, that's," the girl stammers, "--of course, nomi, i'll stay on with you and dio." a hundred protests swim before her--she's never wanted to be a leader, she didn't exactly do a great job in her opinion, and also, another branch, where? with who?--but she's a grown drageda wolf and she's past the age of contesting everything nomi tells her. instead she swallows hard and nods, saying, "i-i'm happy to learn more from you. and lead another branch, if that's what you feel is best for us -- where?" she can't help but add, the thought of being too far away from nomi, from home, making her anxiously vibrate. she's a homebody and even though she'd go wherever nomi tells her to go, god she hopes it isn't all the way back to trigeda or something.

antumbra puts the thoughts of furi aside. blixen has taken the responsibility and she hopes she knows what that entails. still, it does not stop the future. drageda has always meant to grow. she’s attempted to groom wolves into leadership. part of her still hasn’t gotten over freyja’s betrayal, after all she’d done for her, but it is not often she puts time into thinking about her as the rocky restart of their lives had taken quite a hit.

“it should be somewhere you like. you do not have to decide now,” she explains, using her nose to point blixen in some random direction. she can’t sit still for long these days. “not more than a few days travel, though, so it will be easy to navigate. sangeda is about a week away and trigeda a little longer.” she is comfortable with most of the surrounding territory, and even a little farther out, but she’d be willing to help regardless how far her daughter chose to go.

nomi gives her the choice--again, unexpected, but something she takes seriously. blix nods and says "close, then--like the sound," thinking of her brief exploration of the grotto with helix. it was close enough to satisfy blix, who would definitely get lost if she went too far from the cliffs. 

"the bear isn't there any more," she adds, offering a quick grin. but still, there's time for things to change, and as long as she gets to stay close she's happy. "and i'll tell you what else happened while you were gone," blix adds, remembering suddenly she wants to do that, and proceeds to fill nomi in on the rest -- which e doesn't remember but blixen certainly does.

Antumbra nods her head a little. She likes the sound. It’s close. There is much they can do together rather than farther apart and she finds she likes the idea, as if they were expanding as a whole unit. Blixen goes on to explain the other happenings in Drageda, the changes, and she gives her opinion on each one and pride when she’s done well. Despite the absence of her family, Blixen managed to do a good job overall and she stands by her decision to let her be the one to take them by the reins next.