Redhawk Caldera rather be

Eljay had caught wind of mommy wanting to take him out to go outriding sometime, and it frightened him, the thought of going out there. Eljay had always been a curious boy, but he was also a scaredy cat and he didn't want to go somewhere where there might be scary things too; where he might not come back from. Mommy had gotten hurt during outriding, and that made it a bad thing in Eljay's eyes. While his panic attacks had gotten less frequent, whenever he thought of the upcoming trip his chest tightened and he grew afraid that something might go wrong.

It would be only a month and a half before Eljay would ascend to the adult ranks, and Eljay felt bad that he wasn't a contributing, good member of the pack yet. He was struggling figuring out who he really was and what sort of things he was good at — most days, he just felt like he was bad at everything that he needed to do to contribute to the pack. Uncle P as well as daddy seemed eager to make him learn the hunter trade, but Eljay wasn't so sure. He was afraid that they would only get their hopes up and be disappointed after.

Today, Eljay had gone to the borders. It was the first time that he went there all by himself, alone. Despite the fact that he was pretty much the size of an adult wolf now, it was evident from the way that he carried himself and moved that he was still very much a puppy at heart. It was frightening to leave daddy and mommy out of sight still, but he had learned to live with it, but to be out and about all by himself was worse. And to top it off, every time Wifi had visited he hadn't been near enough to come see her, and Raven had left, too. Eljay lingered around the borders, shuffling around with a fearful eye on the outside world, while his chest was tight at the thought of having to leave Redhawk Caldera to get out there, soon.

When Elwood came across Eljay's scent leading towards the borders, curiosity overwhelmed him. He couldn't detect any traces of Finley nearby, so it didn't appear that the boy's mother was taking him outriding on this particular day. In fact, there were no other distinct odors lingering with Eljay's, which could only mean one thing -- he had ventured to the outskirts of Redhawk Caldera on his own.

Elwood simultaneously felt proud and anxious. Briefly, he wondered if something had happened to his son, but he quickly dismissed that ridiculous thought as he loped along the trail. He needed to learn not to jump to conclusions where Eljay was concerned; after all, he would be ascending into the adult ranks in a very short time. He wouldn't be able to hide in his father's shadow for much longer.

He spotted the youth from a distance and called out as he approached. "Hey, bud! Checking out the borders?" he asked as he slowed his pace, tail waving in a friendly arc over his hips.

Eljay had been so lost in thoughts that he barely registered daddy's approach. It seemed sudden when daddy pulled up beside him and greeted him, and Eljay visibly startled a moment before he turned his gaze towards daddy, relaxing instantly at the familiar face and scent. His nose wiggled as he inhaled the comforting scent of daddy, and he smiled tentatively at daddy.

"Hiya daddy," he said, and he mulled the question over in his head. "I don't wanna ever leave Redhawk Caldera." Though it was no answer to the question directly asked of him, it was what visiting the borders was about to Eljay. He wanted to stay here, didn't want to be forced to leave, ever. Not even temporarily. The thought scared him a lot; he wanted to stay here at the Caldera with mommy and daddy forever.

The boy seemed startled by his father's abrupt approach, but quickly recovered. His body language relaxed and Elwood smiled, but the happy expression faded a moment later. "I don't ever wanna leave Redhawk Caldera," Eljay exclaimed. That was not something that Finley would be happy to hear.

Casting a quick glance at the rolling plains that extended beyond their paws, Elwood contemplated his response carefully before answering. "You mean like Wildfire? You don't have to leave and go to another pack if you don't want to. You can stay with us at Redhawk Caldera for your whole life. Nightjar is still here and he's almost a grown up," he said, using Eljay's older cousin as an example. Briefly, he wondered where in the world Raven had gotten to, but decided it was best not to mention her at that moment.

"But it's okay to go on short trips away from home, like Mommy does," he added. Had Finley even addressed this topic with Eljay yet? Maybe Elwood could ease him into the idea...

Eljay fervently shook his head when daddy turned things around and asked if he meant it like how Wifi had left. Well, he didn't want to leave for ever either of course, but the thought of leaving the Caldera frightened him to no end and Eljay really didn't wanna. Daddy then continued on about trips like mommy did, and Eljay shook his head again. He frowned as he looked at daddy and said: "Don't wanna leave ever." There was a pleading quality to his eyes, which shimmered with threatening emotional overload, as though it was daddy's say-so whether or not Eljay would ever leave the Caldera. He went on to explain: "I don't wanna get hurt like mommy. Why can't we all stay here together?" That would make Eljay's life a lot happier, knowing that he would be able to stay here the rest of his life. But would mommy and daddy agree to his thoughts, or would they force him to leave and explore eventually?

As the conversation progressed, Elwood began to see just how immature Eljay's mind remained. Despite his size and physical appearance, he was still very much a puppy. He gnawed briefly on his lower lip, wondering if his son's mental and emotional development would ever catch up.

"We will stay all here together, but Mommy's job is to be an outrider so she has to leave sometimes. She likes it, and she doesn't usually get hurt. She's gone on lots of adventures and come back just fine," Elwood assured him. His statement was half true -- there were other incidents, like Finley's fight with a bear around the time Elwood joined the pack, but for the most part she stayed out of danger.

Elwood suddenly shuffled a few steps away from Eljay, til his paws were technically on the other side of the invisible border. "Look," he said, gesturing in a broad circle with his forepaw. "Nothing scary is going to happen right here. Come on."

When he noticed that daddy was growing uncomfortable and upset, Eljay's ears flattened and he instinctively lowered his head, his tail drooping loosely against his hind legs. He naturally did not want to upset his father, but in this situation it wasn't clear to Eljay what he could do about daddy being upset, because he also wanted to make clear that he wasn't just going to leave the Caldera. He looked up at daddy from the corners of his eyes, displaying a rim of white underneath his shimmering, pleading eyes. Please be okay again, daddy.

Daddy seemed a little more comfortable against as he shuffled away. At first, Eljay followed him, deciding to silently oblige instead of continuing to press against his father's words -- maybe that'd stop daddy from being upset again -- until he realised that the more steps he set, the more the comforting scent of Uncle P and Auntie Fox was vanishing from his nostrils. "No!" he ushered suddenly and he doubled back until he was feeling less panicked; until the leaders' scents were easily detectable again. "No daddy, please," he begged, looking up at his father with head lowered, ears pressed flat against his skull. His eyes, displaying a rim of white, shimmered with emotion while he silently continued to plead daddy not to leave him; let alone force him to follow too.

Elwood's hopes lifted as Eljay followed him across the border, but the boy's movements almost seemed mindless. In the next instant, he seemed to realize what he had done and quickly retraced his steps, panic evident in his tone and his body language. Although Eljay pleaded for Elwood to return to the safety of the pack's boundaries, he shook his head and kept his feet rooted to the spot.

"Eljay, look. I'm not going anywhere. Nothing is going to hurt me right here," he said calmly, expertly swallowing the frustration that welled in his throat. He was becoming quite skilled at responding to Eljay's seemingly irrational behavior. He gave his son a faint smile. "Don't you want to learn to be brave, so you can go exploring with Mommy?" he asked.

Daddy remained calm, while storms raged inside of Eljay. He fervently shook his head as daddy asked him if he didn't want to be brave. "I don't wanna explore, I wanna be alive!" he shouted fearfully and he started to sob. It had been a while since Eljay had cried -- he'd even been going on little expeditions around the territory by himself, without constantly asking for mommy or daddy -- but this moment was so overwhelming for him that the heartsore of mommy leaving and getting hurt came right back at him.

Eljay's tail tucked between his hind legs, not just because of the panic but also because he knew that he was letting daddy down again. He wanted so badly to be a good son and be everything his parents wanted him to be, but every time he tried to take a step forward, it seemed like he went two steps back. Instead of taking this moment and learn from it, Eljay only hated himself more, causing more panic to pile on, for his inability to please his parents. Even if they didn't often say that they were disappointed, it was obvious enough since (besides the fact that he hadn't yet caught his first prey, however hard he tried) they wanted him to be brave and he just wasn't.

No matter what Elwood said, Eljay's panic only increased. Elwood remained in place for a few seconds -- which seemed longer as he looked at his son's anguished expression -- and then finally ducked his head and padded back across the border. He was disappointed, but he did his best to mask it. After all, he knew in his heart of hearts that Eljay wasn't cut out to be a scout; that didn't mean that he couldn't be successful in other areas.

"It's okay," he said, nuzzling Eljay's shoulder. It was strange not to have to lean down to do so; just more evidence that the youth was nearing adulthood. "You don't have to explore. But I want you to understand something," he said, taking a step back to look Eljay in the eye. It was surprisingly easy to do, considering the Xi's height. "Going exploring does not mean you're going to die. Like I said, it's Mommy's job. Lots of wolves in other packs have that job. It doesn't have to be your job. You can do something else, like hunting or guarding the borders or learning about the weather. But you have to try to be brave sometimes," he concluded. He was pleading with Eljay, though he didn't mean to; but he felt like he was grasping for straws to help his son understand what life was all about.

Eljay felt as though he could finally breathe normally again when daddy returned across the border. In return to the bump to his shoulder, Eljay burrowed his face in daddy's fur for a moment, breathing in his familiar scent while he started to feel calm again. Then he detached himself from his father, feeling ashamed for his own reaction, and he looked away. Eljay barely kept eye contact, breaking it off more than holding it while daddy spoke, because he felt like a silly dummy for the way that he had reacted just now. He didn't want to be so scared, he really didn't, but somehow the thought of leaving frightened him so much that it just seemed a whole lot easier to just stay here at the Caldera forever than to learn to deal with it.

Daddy's last words hurt more than Eljay liked to admit. He was trying to be brave, he just wasn't very good at it. "I know," he mumbled while he looked at his own paws. They looked the same as daddy's paws now, but he knew that he was far from the same in his heart. Eljay felt emotion and panic rise up at the thought of his own incompetence, but he didn't want to disappoint daddy again, and so he forced a smile on his face. "I'm gonna try harder, daddy," he said, though it was hard to say the words without breaking into sobs again. Eljay knew that he wasn't gonna be able to be braver just by trying harder, 'cause he was already always trying his very very hardest for mommy and daddy already. But he'd try to try even harder, somehow.

Elwood smiled faintly at Eljay's promise. The boy's voice was as watery as his eyes, but Elwood knew that he meant it. Now that they were safely back within the confines of Redhawk Caldera, Elwood lowered himself to his haunches, indicating for Eljay to do the same. He wanted them to stay near the borders, at least for now, though he was done trying to convince his son to venture beyond them.

"Did you know," he began after a moment of silence, gazing out over the wilderness past their paws, "that I wasn't very brave when I was little?" He nodded to emphasize his words and glanced down at Eljay before continuing. "I lived in another pack a long way away from here, and I never wanted to leave, either. I would've been happy living there forever with my mommy and daddy." It was the way of the Grove pack; there were multiple generations residing there at the same time.

"But one day I had to be brave even when I wasn't expecting it. My sister ran away, and I left home and tried to find her," he said. Avery was Eljay's aunt, although the chances that he would ever meet her were slim to none. He still missed her, but he liked to think that she had settled down with a new family somewhere -- just as he had.

Eljay sat down and listened to daddy's story about himself. Eljay didn't mind being near the borders; he sometimes came here by himself to look at the outside world, though he had never gone outside just yet. He was heavily scent-oriented, and as long as the familiar scents of his leaders and family were near, he knew that things were okay.

It was surprising to hear that daddy hadn't been very brave either, and that he didn't want to leave his pack either. Eljay figured that daddy's sister must have been very special to him, if he would leave his home for it. Eljay wasn't sure he'd leave Redhawk Caldera for anyone, except if mommy and daddy would come. He asked carefully, "Weren't your mommy and daddy sad that you'd left?" And then, the next question popped up: "Am I gonna have a sister or brother some day?"

Elwood was prepared for Eljay's first question, but the second one -- which followed its predecessor almost immediately -- left him slack-jawed. "Am I gonna have a sister or brother someday?" he wondered aloud to the surprise of his father. He should have been more prepared for such an inquiry as Eljay drew closer and closer to adulthood; though he was sheltered, he was still aware that Fox was pregnant with her second litter, the potential brothers and sisters of Wildfire, Raven, and Nightjar.

It wasn't such a black and white answer, however. Elwood and Finley hadn't even discussed the possibility; with all that had happened since Eljay's conception, neither parent seemed to be ready for another round of puppies. He feared that they would turn out as fearful and delayed as Eljay had, though there had been a very specific set of circumstances that had contributed to his development. Realizing that he was leaving the boy hanging without a response, Elwood looked down at him with frank honesty written on his face.

"I'm not sure. Mommy and I haven't talked about it yet. Would you like to have some little brothers or sisters?" he countered thoughtfully. Eljay's reaction would probably have a heavy influence on their decision, if they ever got around to considering it.

Daddy took a moment to find the right answer to his question, but eventually it came forth. It seemed as though daddy wasn't sure, which confused Eljay a little. Why wouldn't they want puppies again? He had thought it was something that nature made them do, and didn't realise there was any choice involved, anyway. Besides, didn't they love each other? That, too, seemed like a sure sign that they'd have puppies again.

The return question was about as unexpected as the question of the pups had seemed to daddy. Eljay wasn't really sure if he wanted brothers and sisters, because that'd mean that he'd have to be all grown up and take care of them, and that mommy and daddy would have to share their love with the brothers and sisters. "I'm not sure," he mirrored his father's earlier words. "Maybe, if they're nice..." He didn't want brothers and sisters like Nightjar, although he felt terrible thinking such a thing about his own sort-of cousin. But even though Nightjar surely didn't mean poorly, he often said less-than-nice things that made Eljay feel bad about himself, and he didn't want brothers and sisters if they'd be the same. But if they were nice, maybe.

Eljay's reply was thoughtful and hesitant, and it made Elwood smile. It was a perfect representation of his son, flaws and all. He knew that growing up as an only child hadn't helped Eljay's social development at all, and his cousins had been a little too old to play with him on his level. Besides, Wildfire and Raven were no longer around, and he was pretty sure that Eljay and Nightjar weren't the best of friends. But maybe a set of younger siblings would give Eljay the maturity boost that he needed...

"I think they'll be nice. They'll love you; you'll be their big brother," Elwood said, a twinkle in his eye as he thought about it. For the first time, he began to really consider the possibility. "You'll be able to watch them grow and teach them lots of things. They'll look up to you," he added. Already, he was making a mental note to have a talk with Finley, and soon.

It was a weird thought that his little siblings — or sibling — would love him and look up to him. The thought was tempting, and Eljay kind of liked the idea. With Wifi and Raven gone, it would be nice to have some friends around again — and maybe his siblings could be his new friends, then, so that he'd have some friends again.

"That would be nice," he murmured softly as he thought of it, liking the idea more and more.

The idea seemed to grow on Eljay after some consideration. This only sealed the deal for Elwood: he would have a talk with Finley soon to see what she thought about his proposition. They needed to make a decision one way or the other, and he hoped that she would be willing to give Eljay a set of younger siblings.

Realizing that they were still lingering near the borders without a purpose -- since Eljay didn't seem to be eager to do any exploring -- he gestured back inland with his snout. "Want to head back towards home?" he asked. He had the feeling that Eljay would not be scouting with Finley anytime soon, no matter what his mother wanted.

"Yeah," said Eljay when daddy suggested heading on home. He pressed himself against daddy's side and the pair of them started their way on home, away from the scary borders and the outside adventure that Eljay was clearly not yet ready for at all. Eljay did not realise that his words would shape whether or not his parents wanted pups again, did not realise what worth the words he had spoken that day carried for his and his parents' future. But he would surely find out soon enough.