Swiftcurrent Creek your kiss, my cheek—i watched you leave

The sun was beginning to rise, and Eshe lay in @Akavir’s arms. Although there were a lot of unknowns about them, there was one thing she knew to be true—she loved moments like this between them. When it was just them, the rest of the world was at arm’s length.

Currently, she thought of @Arric and when he’d asked if his dislike for drama made him selfish. That had struck her as odd, and it still did; the only drama she was truly aware of was everything that happened with Moss, and she wasn't aware of anybody who had enjoyed that. She stared out the entryway as she mulled over this, considering everything she knew to figure out what he had meant when he’d asked that.

Tags for reference!

Their new sleeping arrangements had evolved to this—when the boys had left, and Mae practically avoided him like the plague, it seemed he and Eshe’s relationship had more or less involved to her moving in.

It had never been discussed. It had been natural. And while he worried how much he would disappoint her with all his failings in the near future, he enjoyed these stolen moments… when the world was quiet, and it was just them.

He could feel the beginning of the morning creep upon him, stirring him to a more wakeful state, though he remained reluctant in truly waking up. Instead, he felt the shift of the healer beside him, and he sought to pull her closer in his near sleep, burying his nose to the thick fur of her nape, his hips shifting to a more suggestive position.

But he could sense a certain heaviness in the moment, and becoming more aware, he pried an eye open, trying to swallow a yawn unsuccessfully. “Everything okay?”

Everything okay? Akavir asked.

Yes and no, Eshe answered. I’m just being nosey—Arric had mentioned that he was tired of drama a few days ago, and I want to find out what he’s talking about. She reached over her shoulder, kissed his cheek, and rocked her hips closer to his.

But it doesn’t matter, she decided. There’s more important things, like us she wanted to say.

How’d you sleep? she asked.

He opened a blurry eye as she spoke, trying to wake up—to be alert as she divulged to him her worries. He felt a stir in his chest—one of guilt, he would recognize instantly—and felt his arms pull her closer, as if she would run from him if she even began to understand the eruption of the current drama.

Of course, the pack held so much of it, it was entirely impossible to figure out exactly which drama Arric referred to—but he knew his friend was tightly wound these days.

He sighed—she wanted to know how he slept—to talk of them, and he wanted to admit to her that he slept much better with her in his arms. But she deserved a certain grain of truth, did she not?

“He’s probably referring to Silvertongue, Wren… and probably about me.”

She cuddled into him with a happy sigh when he pulled her closer; this was her real-world fairytale. This—them tangled up in each other—was what she'd dreamed and wished for her entire life.

When he spoke, she felt ice in her veins and rolled towards him to look at him. Her eyes traced every line of his face, searching for context clues, but she found none. What happened? she asked, feeling suddenly sick to her stomach. The mention of him and two other women, tied together in the guise of drama, did not sit well with her.

One moment she was there—the next, the cold crept in between the space she had left as she rolled away from him. It stirred him to be more awake now than ever—and he rolled slightly, propping himself upon an elbow as he looked to her, ears splaying back to his skull.

He mulled this over a moment—the ins and outs of the tangled web that lay before him. Eshe deserved to know the truth of it—but some of it was not his truth to offer, and so his pause extended, the silence a hint at some form of guilt, if there was any.

Who was he kidding… Of course there was guilt.

“A lot of the story isn’t mine to tell… But Silvertongue has been dealing with some of her past.” He paused, considering—eyes looking closely to her, now. “Before you—Silvertongue and I had been a… casual thing of sorts. My mate died—I didn’t think I’d ever really have feelings for anyone again… Silvertongue and Wren became a more serious thing….”

Was any of this making sense?

“To give the short version... Silver was upset and went to the lowlands... I found her, injured. She lashed out at me, because of her past... and Wren came upon us, too. And another group... a pack, maybe? They insisted on helping Silver. She wouldn't let me bring her back home. She lashed out and gave me this new eye scar... And it looks like she broke up with Wren, more or less at the same time...”

And you and Silver, this was all that mattered to her, You’re … done? Right? She searched his face, tracing his lines with intricate detail.

There’s nothing I should be worried about about there?

Only something that had been one sided.

His mouth remained in a firm line, knowing to speak such a thing would devastate the she-wolf in front of him. Eshe’s self confidence lacked so much he knew saying anything about his accidental feelings for Riverclan’s Sharpfang would ruin anything that had been stemming between them.

How much truth was too much truth?

“I ended… things… with her before I began to court you. I wanted to be someone who deserved you… Who could meet your expectations.”

And in that, it was very possible he failed. Three children—gone. Two older children, gone.

Eshe wanted children. He didn’t know if he was cut out for fatherhood.

Oh, Akavir... she scooched closer, feeling equally thrilled and guilty as she kissed his chin. Her tail thwaped against the ground, and she crooned low as she preened at his chin; nobody had ever done anything like that before for her. I appreciate you telling me, as far as she was concerned, they never had to speak of this again. It was in the past, and they were together now. That was all that mattered in the grand scheme of things. I know that probably wasn't easy. Thank you for being so honest—I really appreciate it.

Eshe felt secure and safe, and this comfort eased into her expression. She was happy, especially now knowing the lengths Akavir went to, and she relinquished some of her self-doubt. She signed happily, kisses gently trailing his throat until she suddenly stopped, buried her face there, and sighed happily.

She seemed pacified by it all—eliciting a surge of guilt from the man as she preened lovingly at his chin. Looking upon her—her radiance—her purity—all he could see now was how his presence would begin to chip away at this lovely creature before him.

It was what happened to those he dared to care for.

“Eshe,” he rumbled, pulling himself to sit now, away from her embrace—to the coldness of the air. There would be no room for cowardice in this moment. He remained resolved in this moment—still in his posture, as if a gargoyle statue.

“If we’re on the topic… We should talk about everything you deserve.” His muzzle wrinkled then—knowing this was not something she had signed up for. “I don’t know if I should be a father again.” The words were hushed, for the most part, his eyes beseeching. “I’m not trying to pull pity out of you. Or words of consolation… I don’t want them. I need you to understand that I have five children in this world… and none of them have been the better for it.”

Eshe listened to the words that chiseled pieces from her heart—that very much had the chance of changing the trajectory of her life. She sat in heavy silence, her expression pained as she considered the words that'd rocked her world. It seemed to her that maybe she wasn't meant for kids; roadblocks and detours had directed her away from that path, leading her elsewhere.

She looked to the ground, defeated.

This might be a sign that I’m not, either, she decided, the words hurting as she spoke what she’d assumed for so long. I’ve always wanted two things in life, Akavir. Love and children, and she had found one. I don’t think I will ever find both things—especially at my age. She swallowed hard, and looked away and shook her heady slowly as she felt herself begin to cry.

I won’t force you to do something you don’t want to.

He had expected the tears—he had also expected them to rock him to his very core the moment they even welled in her pretty eyes. What he hadn’t expected was for her to still choose him—to axe a part of her dreams that he had realized upon almost their very first meeting that she strived for. Pups were what she had felt would complete her—

—how could she possibly believe he could fulfill that want instead, without giving her what she had ached for, for so long?

“Eshe,” his voice hitched—he scooted closer, forelimb lifting to grasp at her and pull her to him—to tuck her into his chest and front. “Eshe I don’t want you to give up your dreams,” he whispered hoarsely, his mouth next to her ear, trying so desperately to soothe the ache he had placed upon her so instantaneously. “And I… I’ve failed so spectacularly at parenting before I just… Eshe you deserve the damn world.”

Eshe was limp in his embrace, her expression impassive as he spoke of dreams and how she deserved the world—when she knew that was far from the truth. She felt herself grow colder by the minute; his pleas were like nails on a chalkboard.

I don’t know how I can achieve my dreams when a part of it is right here, she pulled back, looking at his face, her voice allowing some sadness to shine through. I want a happy family, Akavir … a husband, children—all of it. We’ve both made sacrifices for this, whatever this was, to get to where we are now. I can’t just throw that away because I want something. How could she? We’ve put time and effort and love into this, and I can’t give it up that easily. I won’t.

Limp in his embrace—broken.

He wasn’t surprised—this was the affect he had on others.

It didn’t encourage him to let her loose then, from his grasp. If anything, he held her a little tighter—as if somehow, she would slip away and to the arms of another who could give her everything she desired.

He had been prepared only minutes before to walk away—and now that the surreality of their path was becoming tangible… a reality… it tightened in his chest. It terrified him that she would listen to him, and would walk away from him—from everyone at the creek.

“Give me time,” he whispered—but it was a plea. He had wanted to be everything she deserved before—to give her what she deserved. “Give me time, and be mine, Eshe… I love you. Be my mate—be Alpha by my side.”

A legacy. She wanted a legacy. He didn’t know if he could do it, come time.

As it turned out, he was truly a selfish man.

Tick … tick … BOOM.

They exploded; a marriage proposal and promotion followed the climax of their emotionally charged conversation. It was everything Eshe wanted and more—but could she take it? Like this? Yes, she could—because she was just as afraid of losing him as he was of her.

There was no second-guessing nor an indication of hesitation in her voice. Eshe pulled Akavir closer, more robust now, relishing the feeling of being wanted and needed.

I love you, too, she said first, then, a little more breathless, I will.

She accepted—and the guilt set in, a roller coaster that offered him a high for the moment that she loved him enough to press aside her deepest desire for children—

—and then the fall with the knowledge that he was a man that would steal such a dream from her.

He buried his nose to the softness of her fur—unspeaking for now, his eyes closing, allowing the hammering of his heart to soften to a slower rhythm.

They could navigate this. Surely, they could navigate this, together.

She accepted—and for the first time in a while, she was content with the outcome. There was no second guessing, no anxiety, just peace and contentment as she reflected on it all. Ultimately, she’d gotten everything she wanted—how could she not be happy?

She rested her head on his forehead as he leaned in, her eyes closing, and a smile as she felt complete: a wife and leader in one fell swoop—her dreams realized. She kissed him again, softer now, and repeated what she’d been feeling for months now that they’d expressed their feelings outloud: I love you so much.

They’d remain as they were for a while, complete as they both took the time to come down and unwind from their charged conversation.