Broken Boulder you only hold me up like this 'cause you don't know who i really am

He shakes his head slightly; Delight doesn't get it. Of course it hasn't been said out loud — he doesn't have the guts and maybe Zamael doesn't either, or maybe he thinks Alarian will just forget it — but he knows his brother hadn't intended on returning the first time. Abandonment isn't something that can be taken back — once the decision has been made, he's found, that will always be the choice in the end. He's just not willing to give up on Zamael.
His first instinct is to feel a little offended by Delight's next words. You're not my keeper, he almost snaps, but he hesitates, and that extra moment is enough time for the guilt to set in. He swallows hard. I still need him, He says, maybe not fully convinced himself but desperate to hold on to it; finding Zamael was supposed to make everything better, it still can if he can just find him again.
It's stupid but he's the only one who really — understands why I am the way I am, It's a painful confession, mostly for having to admit he is a way — it's different, he thinks, when he's being self-deprecating. Right now it's just cold reality. And I don't... want to be without that again. Even if he'd neglected it while he had it.