It was fair day; a plain and an ordinary day. The sun's rays settled all across the land, lighting the Spire's peaks with a lovely golden haze. Soon the golden orb would begin its descent and the only yellow to be seen would be from the bright sunlight that was Summer Demonte-Ostrega's eyes, although the boy that day was not feeling as sunny as his name suggested.
Little Levi could be found that day a black smear of wolf on the rich green plains of the oasis. He was laying on his side, eyes hazily staring ahead at a little green caterpillar inching its way across the leaf of a newborn tree that had barely yet grown to be a foot tall. For once, he did not feel his insides quaking from inexplicable nerves. He actually felt rather calm as he laid there lethargically. Well, as calm as he ever felt. And the reason for it wasn't exactly the greatest either... In fact, given the choice, the young wolf probably would have voted to have his anxiety back.
Summer was sad. Many days had passed since the Creek wolves had been returned to their home and part of him somehow had hoped that maybe Magpie would have returned for a visit. He knew the hope was a foolish one. She had hated the Sunspire and all of the wolves that lived there (except for him). Why would she ever want to return to those memories of her starving herself while his packmates had come to gawk at her or try to make her eat? If roles had been reversed, Summer wouldn't have wanted to return either. The only other option would have been for him to journey to the Creek to see her, but Ferdie's command had been clear and obstinate. He could not go to the Creek, and thus he could not see her ever again.
The young teen sighed mournfully and refocused his gaze on the caterpillar. It was so soft and green, like Spring; like her eyes...
When she had been but a loner, there had always been the vague pull of "home" -- Mount Rikudou, of course. Even at the Creek's shorelines, she had contemplated it now and again. She had been so busy lately, so preoccupied with other matters, that it rarely came up now. Ame had to wonder if it may stay that way, that hopefully that sense of homesickness may fade permanently, for her place was elsewhere now.
She had always left with the intentions to return, probably to assume a position of strong support when she was ready, and at best one to eventually replace her honored mother. It probably would have been expected of her to fall into their normal routine and do as they had all done. Little did they know that should she return, it would not be their typical rules she'd see herself adhering to. Not that she had intentions to do so in the near future. Or perhaps any future at all.
Which begged the question about her place here. The pack had grown lately and had yet to settle into a steady dynamic. Their core was obvious and growing bit by bit, with her among it, while others tended to come and go still. She wondered if they would stay every time she smelled a new wolf. Some already had stuck around. Others hadn't. Amekaze knew not to get too attached, anyway. Not so soon.
Nevertheless, it was with a moseying gait that she wove her way towards the oasis, one slowed by the deep ache in her withers from Danica's roughness. As soon as her destination came into view, she spied him -- a dark spot in the otherwise green scenery, and it was he who was a wolf she was not all too close to.. yet. She approached quietly, with her ears fanned back and head even with her shoulders. Without knowing what troubled him, she could make no assumptions, but it seemed that lately the Sunspire's youngest few were not in the most joyous of spirits.
Once nearer, she paused and whuffed softly in hello.
![[Image: 5ifpFkc.png?1]](http://i.imgur.com/5ifpFkc.png?1)
i want to bleed in the 「r a i n」
The image of the caterpillar began to blur the longer Summer stared unblinking at it. His mind began to swim miles away, flitting between memories of the time he had spent with just he and his father and landing on something that always left him feeling somehow simultaneously warm with joy and cold with loneliness. It was a very vague memory that he had of his mother. The only one that he could truly remember instead of those he only felt like he remembered because of the stories his father had told him. He had never been happier than in that moment, for that was before the struggles with his own psyche had ever begun, when he had had an entire pack, an entire family. But then the realization came that all of that was gone now, and thus set in the emptiness.
A gentle sound awoke Little Levi from his reverie and with a few blinks, the green caterpillar came back clearly into view. The boy lifted his head a couple of inches from the ground to look curiously out across the plains until his gaze landed on Amekaze. His heart seized suddenly as the vice of anxiety clamped down tight. He swallowed hard to keep it under control and rolled over onto his stomach.
"Sorry," Summer said suddenly, turning his gaze down to his paws. He wasn't sure what he was apologizing for, but for some reason, that was his go-to response when he wasn't sure what else to say. Unfortunately, he was always very aware that it wasn't the right thing to say at all, so he sat still while his awkwardness fell down around him.
Her ears angled back as she watched his expression unfold as it did. Everything about him bespoke of unease in that moment. She stayed as she was, only tilting her head to his apology -- unexpected as it was. The dark female did not understand why that was what he offered. It was she that had intruded onto him and his space, after all. You have no reason to be,
she answered quietly. At least not to me.
Perhaps it was merely youth's awkwardness that he wore like this. She did not think this was.. entirely his normal. Not that she knew him well. Here and there she had seen him, most notably when Fox came to piss on their borders for the last time. She had been quietly satisfied by his efforts, even for an awkward youth. His intentions had been for the pack, pure and simple.
Amekaze watched him intently, looking to recall her own days of being shy of a whole year. She could find little overlap to his situation as she saw it, though. Her circumstances had been vastly different -- still surrounded by her siblings, oftentimes with her sister at her throat or not far from it. Does something trouble you?
she asked. If I am not intruding.
The eta would never force words of that manner from him if he simply had none for her.
i want to bleed in the 「r a i n」
The Ostrega shut his eyes tight as Ame responded to his apology exactly the way he expected her to. He knew his words were ridiculous, and though his packmate's response had been nothing less than kind, he still felt the hot sting of embarrassment at his folly. He felt like his chest was on fire as he laid there--a heated mix of nerves, stress and self-consciousness swimming like a maelstrom around his heart.
Somehow, he heard the female's words. They were so caring and so sympathetic, and she had no idea who he was or what it was that plagued him. Instantly, guilt joined the mix and took over. It was guilt that destroyed him most of all. Guilt at how he felt when he had no reason to feel it, guilt at how it affected the others around him, guilt at how helpless and uncomfortable and sorry it made them feel.
"I'm..." he started without even realizing it had begun. Summer's breaths began to come faster and faster, deeper, shorter, and more painful. The panic attack took him full force, with tears stinging his eyes and his chest heaving from painful gasps. He rolled swiftly onto his belly and dug his claws desperately into the earth, as though holding onto the ground would help him to hold onto the bits of his regular self that were trying desperately to break through the iron wall that his anxiety had constructed around him.
His inner depths churned, and while she knew only some of it made it to the surface, she watched his reactions change and shift -- into what, exactly, she couldn't say. Amekaze watched, feeling a mixture of concern and curiosity as she lent him her whole focus. Something troubled him deeper than she could imagine.
Words never truly made it into existence. Instead, something bizarre overtook him. Ame's ears were back and she came closer, half wary but with helpful intentions, she looked as he desperately clung to the earth like some unseen force was trying to unseat him. She whined lowly, hovering around him while willing an answer to be seen. Breathing looked like a struggle, not one she could control, and a creeping sense of helplessness overcame her.
Just breath,
she murmured, aiming to be a supportive presence. Or try to.. She had never expected illness of him, and this did not look like anything else she had ever seen before, but she couldn't help the uneasy feeling in her gut. Tell me how I can help...
she offered, although doubted she would be hearing back from him so easily. Ame wanted to reach out to him, and considered possibly.. grooming behind his ears, or something similar to help soothe, but she did not want to launch him into further upset by unwarranted contact -- especially considering that she did not know what was wrong with him in the first place.
i want to bleed in the 「r a i n」
The world felt like it was beginning to spin. In times like these, he usually resorted to clinging to his father's words. Sometimes those words came easily. Sometimes they did not. Sometimes they were the words that actually pertained to the situation he was in. Sometimes it was just his father saying "good morning" to him. In this moment, nothing was coming to him. It was a problem that seemed to happen every time he had had an attach since his father had left him, and the more time passed from that day, the harder his father's voice was to hear.
But that wasn't to say he couldn't hear anything. Just breathe... Something clicked in his mind as those words, though softly spoken, broke through the deafening white noise and into his mind. Breathe slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth... Suddenly, Dhani's voice was there, right alongside Ame's, reminding him to breathe. Slowly, the sharp, painful gasps subsided leaving way for the ragged breath of exhaustion. His grasp upon the ground relaxed, as did the tension in his body.
And just like that, as soon as it had begun it was over. Summer blinked groggily, as though coming out of a trance or waking up after a long night of sleep. The world came again into focus, and with it came a clear image of Amekaze's concerned face. He stared at her for a moment, unsure of what to say. He had never had a full on panic attack in front of a complete stranger before. At least, not without his father there to explain on his behalf. His heart throbbed suddenly with the terrible sadness of no longer having Dhani at his side, but he swallowed the feelings down. He had put his packmate through enough.
"I'm sorry..." Summer said, truly this time as he now actually had something to be sorry for, "That was... Sometimes... I have problems sometimes..." His tongue felt like a lump of clay in his mouth. How did Dhani ever find the words to explain the problems that ailed his son?
She watched him quietly, her expression furrowed with worry and a growing anxiousness. What if this never calmed? What if this claimed his life, somehow, or escalated into something even worse or more violent and she was left to sit here and watch this promising juvenile die just because his lungs could not get the air they needed?
Ame shifted nervously closer. If nothing else, she would keep all external forces from bothering him.. not that there was a high risk of that here deep in the heart of Sunspire territory. She'd not let anything of that sort befall him, at least, and ever-so-gently, hesitantly, she licked behind his nearest ear when it seemed to loosen its grip on him. Comfort may not have been her most stellar of skill, but the intention was there.
She was quiet a while longer. He seemed.. to find himself again, and apologized -- part of how she knew he was back. He was an apologetic sort, evidently. This made her relax. She leaned her weight back onto her haunches more, so to be less invasive of his space. Do not be,
she reminded again. What was it? Does it happen.. often?
Her ears splayed. Slowly she was attempting to understand. Actually, no. You do not have to answer. Do you know any way to help? I have never.. seen.. it -- it looked.. miserable for you,
she muttered. Hence her uncertainty in handling it. She had no idea of what to do with him, whether it be leave him alone entirely or shake him until it stopped or really anything else, nothing seemed like an obvious answer.
i want to bleed in the 「r a i n」
All the boy wanted to do in that moment was to close his eyes and fall into a fitful sleep. As awful as it was, most times it was better than being awake to suffer through the endless darkness. That probably wasn't going to help with the current situation, however. He couldn't do it to his packmate, not after what he had already put her through. Besides, it would have made things even worse when later they ran into each other. And even MORE besides, he could tell by her words that she truly wanted to help him, and Summer had always been taught not to refuse help when it was so sincerely offered.
It.. is miserable," he started slowly, "I don't know exactly how to explain it. It.. My father always explained it for me..." He stopped and shook his head. He was making a mess of this already. He felt his heart beginning to race again, but he willed it to slow, just... just for once please stop.
"I get really nervous sometimes... To the point where I feel like.. Like my heart is going to explode. And I get so.. upset. About things I know I shouldn't, and to extremes that I know are just.. just too much. But I can't help it. I can't stop it from happening." he took a deep breath then, feeling completely idiotic. He was doing a terrible job of explaining his problems, and he was probably just making himself sound like a complete lunatic. "It just happens..."
Summer lowered his head into his paws, feeling tears well up in his eyes against which he was fighting. He felt so ashamed of himself and embarrassed. He just wanted to dig a hole in the earth and never see the light again. It was already so hard to see anyway.
She hoped her further questioning was not causing strife. It was hard to tell with him, and she was trying to be tactful yet effective enough to gain some sort of answer. She sensed it was a fine line, though.
I only wish I had some better advice to offer,
she murmured. He seemed well aware of what the issue was, especially in saying that he knew it was over things he shouldn't fret about, and to too much of an extreme. When I would feel.. turmoil building, I used to spar with my siblings to help alleviate it. Or, just go hunting, or run up the mountainside until I could no longer breath..
she offered quietly, even if the note may be of no use to him. Since he seemed to understand his problem, she wondered if there were any good solutions outside of just waiting them out.. which did not seem all that proactive to her. Which may not be of any help. I do not know, though. There has to be some way to.. cope, somehow..
she mentioned softly.
Her solutions were not quite conventional, either. Nor were they tactics she employed much anymore. She no longer had siblings, but running up the mountain was at least an option again now that she had taken up residence on a new one. Yet she rarely felt in that sort of way due to usually being able to keep busy or preoccupied enough to not let it eat her up significantly. That and life had been.. good for her, lately. With its ups and downs of course, but certainly far from bad. When she did feel uneasy, it was usually not pure anxiousness, and more of something else. It was something that drove her to roam and put her muscles to work in order to distract. Which she realized was not all that different from what she had said.
i want to bleed in the 「r a i n」
Summer felt helpless as his packmate responded to his words. He could tell that she truly desired to help him, which served only to make him feel ever more terrible than he already did. He did his best not to let onto this, however. The last thing he wanted was for her to know how awful her sympathy made him feel, for he simply couldn't stand the fact that what he went through caused anyone else any sort of pain. He could handle his own hurt, but to think he was causing hurt to others was often too much for the poor boy's heart to bear.
Slowly, he peeled back his eyelids to reveal sunny yellow orbs that landed upon Ame's dark face. Her advice was not unwelcome, but Little Levi could not fathom a way to ever escape this curse he had carried since his mother had died. What she said made sense to him, but the ability to find the motivation to move at all was most days a chore in itself. He nodded all the same, though, and gave her a weak smile.
"I'm willing to try anything," Summer replied softly, "My Dad used to ask healers at different packs we came across when we traveled together if they knew of any cure. We tried their suggestions when they were given." He cast his gaze down to the grass that shot up between his paws and began to shake his head. Nothing had really seemed to work. And then there was the one group of wolves who had offered to exorcise the demons that dwelled inside of him. Dhani had been furious. An old man he may have been, but there was nothing like the fury of an Ostrega when provoked. Summer gave an involuntary shudder and gave himself a little shake to release some of his nerves as best as he could.
"Maybe... Maybe sometime we could try sparring?" the boy asked, his eyes round and wide with hope, "I've never done that sort of thing before... My dad thought it would be too much stress for me. But... if it might help, I'll give it a shot." He doubted he would be any good at it, and a tight clench in the pit of his stomach reminded him that he would probably be sick with nervousness over the simple act of trying something new with someone he wasn't altogether fully comfortable with yet. But Summer felt guilty for what she had seen and what he was putting her through. He felt that he owed it to her to let her try and help him, if that was what she really wanted.
She nodded, mhm-ing softly as she considered healers. Evidently the advice gained from such had not proven all that effective. Amekaze sighed quietly. Perhaps healers here would have a greater insight to it, but she wasn't going to hold her breath. There probably just wasn't a simple cure to this, no magical herb he could slather on his forehead and be instantaneously freed of all further trouble..
However, she was hopeful. She wasted no time with a nod. Of course. Anytime you feel up to it,
she was rarely all that far. Hidden, on some days, sure, but not without range of a call. She was always listening.
And while she could appreciate his father's concern for his son, she doubted a bit of sparring would be too much for him. He was awkward and gangly with youth's angles but he didn't seem to be an entirely unhealthy wolf. He could roughhouse a little and survive, so she felt, anyway. It may be strange at first, if you have never done it before, but I believe it does come naturally to an extent.
Even in gentle wolves once they got the hang of it and so long as their lives were not at risk. Ame would show him things, too. And I promise not to be too rough on you.. at first, of course,
she jested and poked a lifted paw towards his shoulder.
i want to bleed in the 「r a i n」
Summer stared at his paws wordlessly, swimming deep inside of his thoughts. He heard her responses, and a smile of gratitude flickered across his muzzle. It wasn't until she gave him a nudge on the shoulder that he pulled himself fully out of his thoughts and a true smile surface.
"I appreciate that," Summer responded. He sat quietly for a moment, unsure of what to say next, but then a thought popped into his head. "It's Amekaze, right?" he asked softly.
Just Ame is fine,
she replied after not exactly knowing what to say to his appreciation, outside of a soft nod, that was. He still appeared quite busy with the goings-on in his head, although it did seem much calmer for him at this point (he was breathing at least). She felt a bit more at ease in leaving him be. I am not hard to find,
she chuffed gently. Feel better,
the dark wolf added as she rose to stand, then nudged her nose against his muzzle. Afterward, she wordlessly gestured towards the borderlands to indicate her intentions. Duty summoned, and after lingering just enough to catch his parting words, or anything else he may muster, she descended the mountainside with purpose. But, in the back of her mind, the summer-eyed Ostrega would remain.
i want to bleed in the 「r a i n」