Dragoncrest Cliffs When are having a heartfelt conversation

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WHAT AM I DOING

Numerous thoughts whirled around within his mind, shouting whilst whispering simultaneously. There was so much to think about, so much to consider, but he couldn’t focus on anything other than Kendra. His gaze went from lingering on to staring past her, then back to the girl’s face again as he tried to figure out what else he could say. It had hurt, being told that the way he felt was not a mutual experience, but he tried not to show it—of course, he failed miserably at hiding his emotions. Between the slight twitch of his lips to the shimmer in his eyes, he was there to be read like an open book. For so long, he had swallowed his emotions down and ran away from them, convincing himself that he could feel nothing for the sole purpose of preventing himself from ever feeling pain again. Between the loss of his mother and the various occasions of abandonment, he had never wanted to be hurt again, but life was a dastardly inamorata, hellbent on causing every disturbance possible. He couldn’t help but wonder if things would have been better had he kept silent, held his tongue and continued through life without ever telling her of his affections. For a fleeting second, he wished to travel back in time and stop himself from speaking. Within the deepest depths of his heart, however, he knew that doing so would only have brought a greater amount of pain down upon him.

Shifting, he looked away from her, able to watch no longer. He was without an answer, unable to decide, at first, if he wanted to stay or go. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he couldn’t go anywhere, nor did he have any desire to. She had turned him down, yes, but that did not mean that he couldn’t try again. With a slow shake of his head, Xan said, “I’m not going anywhere.” He spoke with nothing but honesty in his voice, despite being unable to look back up at her. There was nothing that he wanted to do more right then than reach out and touch her, to lay his chin atop her head and make sure that she knew he’d never leave, but he couldn’t move. All he could do was stand there, staring at the ground whilst he wondered about what to do next until a thought struck him.

Lifting his head, he locked eyes with her, the gloom still evident but now accompanied by determination. “I’m not giving up,” stated the yearling, his voice full of conviction. “I’m going to stay here with you, and I’m going to show you how much I care. I’m not going to be your brother, I can’t be. I want to show you that I mean what I said, that… that I might love you.” The word was a foreign presence within his mouth, feeling awkward as it rolled off his tongue. Never could he recall having spoken it before, having doubted for the majority of his life that he could ever feel so strongly towards another living being. “If you never feel the same, then I guess I’ll leave you alone, but I’m never going to stop feeling this way,” he declared, channeling the boy from his youth—from before he’d been attacked, back when there was nothing that he wouldn’t say or do. “I just want a chance to show you that we can be more than friends, better than siblings.” An opportunity to further expose himself, to share every ounce of devotion that he had to give. He wanted his chance at being more than just content, but truly and genuinely happy.

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