Redsand Canyon Each and every breath we take

been considering what she would do and this made the most sense in the end <3 if you want she can be set to join the new pack

Fennec tried taking her space. She tried forgetting, moving on, getting as far from the wilds as she could... but the further she went, the more wrong it felt. She could run away from a lot, but she'd sworn never to run from him.

Abandoning Killdeer, letting Bronco win, it was cowardice on her own part. She was better than that.

When she arrived again at the borders of Mereo, she was relieved to find his scent still there but she did not call for him. If she was going to face her fears then she needed to talk to @Towhee and, not knowing her mother had children this year, she planned to wait until either she met her in a patrol or someone else did.

She sat down to silently wait instead, listening for any approach and sinking into her thoughts as she did. Fig was right all along and maybe, probably, she shouldn't have left him. Why wasn't he here?

*think emoji*

"lady fennec."

it had been a while but she had come back. "your son is positioned for promotion inside mereo. you are the first to know."

he stood in the air of a soldier at ease. "i will escort you to the commons." there was no reason why he should not assume she was here to visit. the eagle silently felt that she hovered but he had known no mother such as fennec.

Fennec could tell, by the gait, that the one who approached her wasn't her son or either of her parents. She didn't know the wolves of Mereo well enough to separate more than that, but his voice was easy enough to recognize. She'd never met anyone who spoke as formally as Germanicus. It was nearly as strange in her ears as Sialuk's patterns, but the words at least fell in the expected order and cadence.

His news did bring a genuine smile to her face, however fleeting. It caught her by surprise but at the same time didn't surprise her. My kid kicks ass. Of course he's getting promoted.

I'm here to see him, but I need to talk to my mom too. I wanted to join, if you'd allow it, but there's things I need to tell her first. Her anger had burnt through on both ends and left nothing but exhaustion behind. Becoming the Wraith had only made the numbness worse, and the more strangers she had encountered, the more she felt like she was losing herself. None of them mattered.

Killdeer mattered. She should have stayed when he asked, but she was better late than never at all. Towhee was part of why she'd chosen to leave last time, but she needed to face her mother and tell her what happened. It was a stupid fear but that didn't make it less real. She'd been running from it for too long.

the smile was what he had sought. a mother's pride was powerful. "of course," he said.

he would have asked her the skills she would bring, but that could wait. she was a respected presence here and he would ensure mereo treated her as a guest until she had the time for him to conduct their interview.

germanicus walked at her side. the sounds of mereo slowly grew.

Fennec let the silence lapse between them. She appreciated that he didn't push her for answers or a more definitive plan. Straight to business was what she needed right now and Germanicus was the type of leader who, it seemed, didn't need idle chit chat to feel important. No wonder her mom liked this place. Maybe Fennec could too.

They were a large pack. She hadn't noticed when she came the first time, but she could hear the pack around them. It reminded her of the glen, briefly, but she dismissed it before the pain could settle. That pack was dead and so was anything that came of it.

Will she be in the commons or will I need to wait to see her? They'd gone far enough that she wanted to clarify. If she was meeting Killdeer, that was different, and she just needed to be prepared for the conversation that was going to happen. Neither was guaranteed to be easy.

"she is closer at hand here," he said as they stopped. the pelts would be beneath lady fennec's paws now. it was an invitation to rest that he hoped she took.

"i am going to tell her you are present." while towhee was familial enough, germanicus did not want to bring a visitor directly to her doorstep. 

he cleared his throat and walked away, pausing at the door where @Towhee and @Maxim made their den. "lady fennec is here to visit," he said aloud, admonishing himself in the next moment.

A familiar shadow darkened their doorstep. Towhee looked up to catch the Imperator’s words, then swiftly ushered the kids closer to their father as she stepped out to follow Germanicus back toward the common area.

She hadn’t seen her eldest daughter since the caldera had disbanded. She’d felt sort of bereft, for lack of a better term, when she’d caught wind of their establishment in Emberwood. Towhee only knew bits and pieces about that secondhand, same with her visits to Mereo.

There was a slight furrow in her brow when she spotted Fen, though at this point, she was mostly just glad to see her. And, of course, Towhee was concerned. She tried to remember what her grandson had said to her about his mom’s last visit but pre- and postpartum brain could both be a bitch. All she could remember clearly was that Killdeer had seemed so heartbroken, while trying to stay strong.

Fennec? Towhee said, a dozen questions inserted into that simple utterance of her name as she reached out to touch her nose to her daughter’s cheek.

If I made any continuity errors, please let me know! My brain is a bit mushy right now.

Fennec took a step back from the pelts once Germanicus had gone to find Towhee, choosing to stand instead while she waited. Despite wanting to talk to her first, Fennec had no idea what she was actually going to say. She wasn't any closer to an answer when those familiar steps approached - it felt like seconds had passed.

Seriously - what the fuck did she say here?

Sorry I fucked off, my life fell apart. Wasn't like it had much of a chance of going right anyway, though, so no big deal. Wasn't worth talking about.

Tried to start a pack, failed miserably because - right, kinda need friends for that. And guess what your daughter can't keep, surprise surprise.

Oh, Fig? Right. Ditched him halfway across the wilds and didn't even bother to say why. I'm sure he's totally fine.

The silence was wrong. It went on too long while she sank into a dozen trains of thought that were too fucked to be the first thing she said here. She was exhausted. Why had she thought this was a good idea?

This was why she'd avoided this for so long. She didn't know where to start, or how to say any of it without turning this into a trash dumping. The one bonus to mostly being numb at this point was at least she wasn't anywhere near crying. Her brain just felt like it was stalled out.

Fuck. She had nothing.

Skipping Germanicus with permission.

When Fennec just sat there wordlessly, Towhee withdrew and took a seat, the furrow in her brow deepening. There was tension in the air, a tightness to her daughter’s face. They hadn’t spoken in so long, Towhee realized she couldn’t even remember their last conversation, though quitely likely it had been about the logistics of the disband at the time.

But as they sat in stretching silence, a memory began to surface. Something had happened to Bronco. Fennec had struggled with it. Towhee had tried to support them both, only for the entire pack to collapse. It was weird, realizing she’d sort of forgotten about all of that. So much had happened since…

And that little recollection certainly jogged her memory about slightly more recent events, namely Killer’s and even Phox’s news after Fen’s visit a few weeks—or was it months?—ago now. Somewhat errantly, she remembered her brother telling her that both their older kids had stopped by. She remembered kicking herself for missing them. She wondered: where was Figment now?

But, of course, the most presssing question was: what was Fennec doing here now? What did she need from Towhee and Mereo? Saying nothing, patiently waiting her out, she touched her nose to Fen’s cheek again.

It took her a while. Towhee's patience helped, and while Fennec didn't pull away from her, she didn't really lean into the comfort either. Underneath everything, there was a common thread that repeated. You're supposed to be better than this. She made you better than this.

She didn't know if she could take it, if her mom just spouted the same shit Fig had. She loved her brother but neither he nor Penn had been what she needed. She didn't know what her mom would say but there was really only one way to find out. Maybe the best way to do it was just to talk. Dump it all at once and let them both walk away from it when it was out there.

Bronco left. For good, this time. Towhee wouldn't hear the tonelessness of her voice, but her expression stayed consistent as well. I told Killdeer it was mutual, but it wasn't. I didn't want him to be as angry as I was. Still am.

It hadn't been right for a long time. Honestly, I think I was kidding myself, trying as much as I did. It hadn't done any good in the end and was probably why things had only gotten worse and worse. I thought I needed time, so I ditched Fig, but that only made it worse. Everything's fucked, mom. On that last part, her tone finally cracked, and her neutral expression twisted a bit towards desperate.

I didn't know where else to go. And I didn't want to lose Killdeer too. The thought of it was unbearable. She shouldn't have left. Walking away from him after their last conversation was probably the shittiest thing she'd ever done. It didn't matter if she'd done it thinking it was better for him. She should have sucked it up and fucking stayed.

The worst part? Doing that, she'd proven Bronco right. Again.

She glanced sideways, wondering when Germanicus had slipped away. She didn’t mind, of course. Towhee returned her eyes to her daughter just in time to watch her lips finally part. They hung there, reading every word.

There were so many things Towhee could say in response, though she just scooted closer so they sat side by side, shoulders brushing. She did feel a slight lurch at the mention of ditching Fig, though she would save that line of inquiry for later.

We could definitely use a skilled healer in Mereo, Towhee replied, leaning to bump her shoulder into Fen’s. We’d be thrilled to have you close by, she added, speaking for Phox, Killdeer and the rest because she was absolutely certain of it. Speaking from experience, this is a great place to rebuild after your whole life implodes.

Germanicus' absence was a factor in why she'd mustered the ability to say anything at all. She didn't know when he'd stepped off but she'd noticed he was gone and appreciated the chance to speak alone. There were things she didn't want widely known.

It was easy to guess they'd be happy to have her, but she never minded hearing it. Especially when she'd given all of them more than enough reasons not to feel that way.

I don't care about rebuilding. I thought I wanted to forget, be someone else for a while, but that isn't fair. Now I just want to be a mom worth having.

She wouldn't be getting another chance anytime soon, obviously. She'd have to be stupid to even consider trusting someone like that again. Maybe one day she'd hit a point where she could do what her mom did, pick a dude and not care if they stuck around, but so far she had done a shit job of getting into that mindset.

I wanted more kids, this year. There was a lot of other stuff, obviously, but that was what did it. He told me I was selfish for wanting that from him, and for wanting him to explain why he acted like he didn't even want me around. Our mateship was fucked from the start though. I should have known when I had to practically force him into it, just to get him to stick around.

She didn't feel any anger, just that same empty calm, as she recounted it. But it did feel good to lay it all out to someone who might understand even a little of how it felt to have your heart broken. She had no idea if Towhee had ever been in love, but she was closer to the experience than Fig had been.

We tried to start a pack. She didn't know that Towhee had heard this. I was going to tell you when it was done. When things were good. Finally, a measure of shame crept in. Her ears tipped back. Sorry. I shouldn't have left it so long. It was the one thing she felt like she needed to apologize for. She owed Killdeer one for leaving and her parents one for avoiding them. She'd just wanted her mom to think she was better than the girl who would struggle through an unhappy mateship because she was so afraid of being left alone.

Her lips pulled down into a frown as Fennec continued, particularly when she mentioned that her relationship with Bronco had been doomed from the start, that she’d had to force his hand. She knew there were two sides to every story, though it hurt her heart to hear that her daughter had wanted more children this year. There would be other years, of course, and perhaps even other men, though Towhee wasn’t going to point that out right now.

Maybe a while back, Towhee would’ve been a little more hesitant with her acceptance, though she was being genuine when she said, It’s okay. I’m sorry literally everything fell through on you. But you definitely still have Killer. And me. And your dad. And probably Fig too, who Towhee kind of hoped would wind up here as well. Your younger sibs too, she didn’t forget to add, thinking of Tierra but also, including the two newbies.

That made her glance over toward the married housing before facing Fennec and wondering, Would you like to come to my den? We can call for Killer. He’s great with the potatoes, Towhee said, only realizing a second too late that hearing this might just be a painful reminder that he didn’t have younger siblings of his own.

Of course Towhee had more and of course Killer loved them. Fennec felt that moment of bereft jealousy, not just for that, but for everything she'd missed here that Towhee got to see. Her son had chosen this place, and his grandmother, over his parents. Reason told her it was because he was old enough to want to find his own life, but right now, reason was hard to hold onto. She was trying.

At least he hadn't been there. If nothing else, this meant he hadn't had to choose. She tried not to wonder what choice he would have made.

Not really. I should probably find him first. Just like she hadn't wanted him here when she talked with Towhee, she had things she wanted to say that were only for him. She owed him that.

I'll come meet them later. She tried to summon a smile and managed a small one. I'm happy for you mom, really. Sorry it's hard to show it. She had some catching up to do, finding up what Towhee had been up to all this time while she was burning her own life to the ground. It sounded like this place was honestly home for her now. That was pretty cool.

The blunt rejection stung a little, though Towhee was too busy kicking herself to really notice. In any case, she understood. She knew now, so Fennec could take the time she needed to decompress before she came to meet her newest siblings.

Okay, Towhee said simply, you’re welcome to drop by anytime. Killer can show you the way. The Imperator might’ve gone to get him, otherwise I’m sure he’ll come if you call.

Thanks. She should say more, after dragging her out here. See how she was, how things had been since the Caldera. Find out how many, their names, joke and maybe find out about their dad.

But none of that would sound right if she asked it now. She couldn't summon what she needed to make it genuine, and faking it seemed worse than just not bothering at all. She'd get her shit together before seeing them. Which meant she needed to do it sooner than later.

I'll ask him. Maybe I'll come after they sort out what they'll do with me. Her current brand of tired was a little beyond simple travel, but that would give her a bit to maybe rest up and get a grip. Her comment was kind of meant to be a joke, but in the end it didn't really feel like one.

Leaving things on this note felt weird but to be honest, not much felt normal these days. She'd do better next time. With that, she turned to find somewhere nearby where she could talk to her son. Preferably without too many ears joining in.