Otter Creek I'll [m]ake your timber shiver

It was a relief to hear the other was not angry, for he could have been mistaken. They had but just met, Adonis knew no different. Yet, it calmed the nerves he did not know he had until the boy assured him. "good, i was beginning to think my.. efforts were not to your satisfaction," he admitted, for he had not beem met with a negative response right after sex before. But it was not long before those same nerved picked back up, and though the words should have reassured him once more, they did not. It was another thing he was to dig deep inside himself and figure out, wether Alexander was worth changing himself for.

"it depends. do you like the idea of having me there or hiding me away?" his eyes met the other's with the same seriousness he did not know he was capable of having until that moment. he knew if he ever followed the boy, there would be no outward introduction to the others of what they truly were, Xan was far to scared for that. For Alexander had made it clear that what had happened, what they were would never reach the ears of another soul as long as they lived. It was something he could not live with for very long, though he was patient, he could not waste his life waiting for the other boy to come around.

Even more, he did not like the idea of following another just for the sake of it; he could not betray his moral instincts for a boy who showed no interest in wanting him while out of the heated moment of sex. He did not want to follow him if it meant being turned away, time and time again; he did not want to live with him in a home that constricted his very nature like it affected Alexander. He could see it in the boy, the uncertainty, crushed by the burden of conflicted feelings he did not understand. There was no certainty it was the upbringing that had caused this confusion, yet that had been the circumstances of Adonis' own youth, and he had no wish to return. 

Yet, there was an inclination, a hesitance that dared himself to take a leap of uncharted faith and follow the boy. It would be testing his luck as well as his heart for sure, yet in a way, it was a thrill he had not felt before. Perhaps, Xan would come to realise sooner that the opinions of others did not matter, that even, they would be accepted. Only time would tell, and until he was certain they boy truly wanted his presence, it was time he was not willing to spend pining for a boy that would never return the affection.

Heat touched his face beneath the layers of fur, eyes widening slightly at his implications. How he was to verbally respond to such a statement, he did not know, for many things were proving to be a first for him. Never had his mind been clouded by any emotions other than anger, and yet, so many that he could not even name seemed to come into play just by being around the other. It was not love—they'd only just met, and the fact that they knew next to nothing about one another prevented such a strong bond from coming to light—that much he was certain of, but it was something. Subconsciously, he sought guidance from the more experienced boy, someone that could teach him of things he'd never be ballsy enough to ask any other living soul about. But even as he'd observed him, seeking some sort of clue on what he should say next, he'd been unable to form a response.

Thankfully for him, the topic was changed, however the new question had resulted in his brows furrowing. "Does it matter?" he'd answered, using a question of his own rather than sharing whatever he'd originally planned. "Wouldn't I be enough? Would you really want everyone to know that you're there?" To someone who'd spent a good portion of his life avoiding others, the idea of being hidden away didn't seem like a bad one. Both would be kept safe that way, as far as Xan was concerned. He would not admit to being afraid, to worrying over what others might think or say, for doing so would only show weakness. He could not display such lowly behavior, he had to keep on a brave face, even if beneath the mask there stood a trembling child. And, perhaps, the longer he'd stared down at the other male, the more visible said side of him became.

"Just–" he'd cut himself off, a huff slipping by in the place of actual words. He'd lowered himself back down then, lessening the space between their bodies until his chest had once against found a place to rest comfortably against Adonis'. "Just come with me. I don't know anything about... this," he'd began again, brows knitting together. "Teach me. Tell me everything I need to know, and then maybe... you... we won't have to be hidden." Xan had stumbled through his words, not knowing what he was saying until the words had already been shared. The war had ended, and he'd found his desires to have prevailed over the thought of leaving.

To him, it mattered. It mattered more than Alexander would ever know. Yet, he did not speak, silent, waiting to hear what the other had to say before replying with his own verdict. And in an instant, he felt more conflicted than he had ever before. Adonis had no wish to be kept hidden, yet Xan's apparent will for him to stay begun to overcome his previous mindset. Would he be enough? Adonis wanted to say yes, yes he was, but he could not. He was a creature of habit, never had he settled for another before, constantly roaming to where he could not be found time and time again. It had become exhausting, yet it was the only way he knew. To admit that Alexander was enough for him to be content was a mere sliver of the truth, it was not even that, it was a lie. He could not lie.

yet, as he cracked open his mouth to speak, the words barely balancing on his tongue, he could not bring himself to say it. Denying another had not been so difficult before, not so much that it made his mouth dry and his mind jumbled. "i.. alexander, i am not meant to live in one place, i have not since..," it had been so long, so long and not once had he changed his ways that he could not even remember. "i do not know how to sit still," he admitted, though his eyes cast away, unwilling to meet the gaze of the other. "what you ask of me is.."

the sentance trailed off, he could not bring himself do do it. he would not. had the roles been reversed, he could not imagine the desolation though he had once been in the same skin the other boy now walked. a soft shake of his head was signal enough, he would follow the other, against the wishes of instinct yet for the soul; he could not simply abandon the other after such a proposal, one that he knew had broken some of the many walls that guarded xan's very being. "okay," it was soft, timid though his pride rang true. it was something about the reward, becoming unhidden that appealed to him more than turning his back on the other. adonis did not know what they were, nor did he care much to think about it for more than five seconds, yet, the idea that he might bring xan the tiniest amount of assurance began to draw him in, until he had no choice but to follow.

"though i really hope you don't have nosy neighbors, for their sake," a grin reappeared and he did not make any effort to hide it's ulterior meaning, for he was completely serious. he accepted, and adonis would deal with his choice and in his own time, glib being his natural form of ignoring the countless problems with his life.

09.18.16 — Ending added.

Denial and abandonment.

They were feelings that he knew well, having been exposed to each one early on in his life. The denial of love, of the inability to feel things as he should, and the moment in which his mother and sisters had abandoned him. He could recognize those feelings—understand them, even—and so it brought him a fleeting feeling of panic when he'd felt both start to bubble up towards the surface. There was hesitance in the other's voice, each word spoken leading the yearling to believe that he was, once again, one moment away from being left alone. And though he knew little more than the stranger's name, there came a tightening within his chest, each breath taken becoming harder than the last. The idea of him leaving was unsettling, the sensation increased tenfold by the thought of their recent coupling. Never was it easy for Xan to hand over control, especially when it came to his own body, yet he'd allowed for the other to manipulate the situation as he'd seen fit. Realizing how easily he'd allowed for the other to take him, too, was another reason for why he couldn't stand the idea of him leaving over a small—it was but a simple one, in his mind—request.

When there'd been offered a shake of the head, he'd read into it incorrectly, and for a brief moment it'd felt to Alexander almost the same as when he'd had to watch his mother leave, never to return. There was a pressing feeling upon his entire body, a weight that he couldn't quite shake, and he'd felt his limbs moving without command in order to lift him up and off of the other male. All he'd actually managed to do, however, was shift, and then there'd come a word that he'd thought he might never hear, leading to an immediate stop.

Okay.

It lacked any sort of complexity, existing as a word so commonly spoken that its significance often wore thin. In that moment, though, it'd become important. No mentions of promises had once been made in all the while that they'd spoken, and yet, that was exactly what he'd perceived the okay as being; it was a promise that the other would follow him, and that he would not abandon the albino. It was not at all what had been said, as far as the boy knew, but he'd ignored logic for a moment so as to enjoy a time of gaiety. Not anger, not annoyance, and certainly not sadness, but a true feeling of happiness. For why he'd felt it, he could not pinpoint, but he didn't quite care either way. No matter from where it'd arisen, it was still there, and had successfully relieved his chest of all building pressure. Once again he was able to breathe easy, lungs no longer teetering on the edge of collapsing. Whilst he'd experienced so many things at once, never had he the words to get across what was going on within him. And so his emotions were displayed through actions alone, Alexander's muzzle having weaseled its way beneath Adonis' chin. It was a gesture that he'd observed others do before, but never could he recall a moment in which he'd recreated it until then. His lack of knowledge on how affections and thanks should be shown was made painfully obvious, too, by his stiffness and overall awkward maneuvering.

Xan's face had not remained pressed against him for very long before more words were shared, and he'd pulled his head back just in time to catch sight of a grin. In a matter of seconds, his ears had fallen back whilst eyes narrowed into a skeptical glare. Uncertainty was evident within his gaze, still, but had become far less concentrated than what it'd been in the beginning. "How often will we have to do it? What's the normal amount?" he'd asked, honestly curious. Some fraction of his mind wanted to believe that it all depended on the two beings involved, but he'd posed the question nevertheless, interested to hear what the ghostly boy might say. That had led to a following inquiry, too, having stemmed partially from his want to get to know the other, but more so from his disinterest in ever being cast aside and left alone again. "If you find someone else that wouldn't hide you, would you leave to follow them?" For some reason that was unknown to him, he didn't want the male to leave, even if a life away might better match the pallid wolf.

For several moments longer, he'd remained there with the male and listened to him speak. His questions were answered, though he'd felt strange when hearing some of them. No matter, he'd swallowed his nerves after a short while and began the trek back to the woods, leading the pale boy along with him.