Neverwinter Forest you and i in place, wasting time on dominoes

he followed the most recent iteration of @Mal's scent, not in too much of a hurry to run into his alpha, but wanting to find him soon all the same. it had been some time since they'd spoken at length, alone, and he missed the camaraderie. most of the time, the company of children was good enough for him. on this occasion, he needed something different.

his breath fogged as he trotted through the trees, eyes darting, idly observing the autumn's death into winter. even so, true to its name, the forest would never completely lose its greenery. even when the snow came down and the days grew shorter than ever, the evergreens would remain.

he wondered what the willows were like, this time of year. cam couldn't imagine their wispy, fragile boughs withstanding the freeze. and then what—would they be naked branches, rattling in the breeze, like most other trees right now? it seemed too ugly for the place of faeries.

but he wasn't there. he was here, and he eyed the conifers gratefully before returning his gaze to the path ahead. 

he needed to speak to mal about moonspear, because if he wasn't here, then he didn't know where else he could possibly belong.

Mal never really thought of past homes these days -- but then again he was certainly more of a wolf that lived in the moment. Dude, after everything going on, living in the past was way too much work -- he didn't have time for that stuff, stuff was exploding enough around him as it was without adding in a memory minefield too.

He'd gone for a snack and now was looping back to patrol a bit when he'd come roughly the opposite way of Cam on the same trail. Hey, he said with a smile, how's it going? Hopefully well. OOCly his writer wished there had been more of a conclusion on some of the MSP/FFG threads but oh well, figure that out later! It was still something on his mind as well, but at least if those particular wolves kept to themselves, there were more important things at home to worry about.

finally, mal's dappled pelt came into view. he gave him a smile and a friendly wag of his tail, feeling at once more comfortable in the presence of his friend. quite all right, he responded—a bit of a lie, really, but this was just to get the conversation rolling. you?

there had been a lot going on in neverwinter forest; cam was sure mal had been busy as a beehive. it made him feel a little guilty, knowing that he'd been less wrapped up in the action than others. but then, action didn't really suit cam. . .it never had. he'd probably just be in the way.

he turned to move the same direction as the alpha, matching mal's strides with his own. he focused on mal's reply and the road ahead. he wouldn't say anything about moonspear yet, but he thought they were on the same page. the look they had shared at the most recent pack meeting suggested it.

As mentioned I'm cool with editing to conclude, continuing on, or having one more post to conclude or whatnot. Just LMK if it's the edit option!

The calm moments were good. He missed them. He wanted it to just be those quiet moments, for ages at least. Let him catch a breath. Stuff like the patrol were tiny moments of that. But it wasn't enough... He wanted more of them.

Cam at least didn't come with gobs of baggage. He was pretty sure they had pretty similar thoughts about some things too. Well enough I guess. Just wish stuff wasn't so.. weird, you know? I'm trying to remember if stuff has ever ended up being, well, normal, for any extended period of time. Did you ever feel like stuff was just calm and stuff? Because Mal wondered if he was just seeking something that didn't exist. There was always some beast rearing its ugly head. What was around the next bend? Oh man, he'd hate it if someone could spoil it and tell him. He'd literally sit on Simmik for the next year.

he agreed, although he'd perhaps disagree with mal's silent assessment that cam did not carry baggage. maybe not now, sure, but he'd first come to neverwinter forest on the heels of his mother's death, a traumatized little boy. then he'd gotten himself nearly killed by moonspear. his younger version, at least, was baggage galore.

cam took a deep inhale through his nose, pondering. yes, he said softly, slowly. the forest has been peaceful, for me. and traveling with my brother was, too. i dunno how much of that is because i just. . .don't pay any attention.

his voice became rueful at this last portion of his answer. it was because his head was in the clouds that he felt incredibly unhelpful toward whatever his pack faced. all he could really do was watch over the young ones and catch a fish every so often. for all the rest. . .he was useless, really.

and still, still!, mal had given him a home. talk to me about it, he suggested gently. emerald eyes met mal's own mismatched gaze, trying to find the root of the turbulence within his alpha's soul. tell me what's on your mind.

How did he even explain it all? It weighed on him, yes, but it felt like nothing ever changed. He wasn't asking for much, was he? He just wanted everyone to be happy. It didn't have to be perfect, but there was just so much darkness....

It just feels like we haven't had a break from something going wrong. People getting attacked, death, trespassers, the Saints showing up to cause problems.. All that. I had thought when Yuelong came here that I'd be able to hang out with them and it would have been fun but... Total disaster from the world outside then. I just wanted things to be happy -- for everyone to be happy. And for whatever reason, that never seems to happen. A sigh, Nothing's ever gone the way I've wanted. I doubt I could say I've had a good week, let alone a good month. Like... Ever. It's getting old. Maybe it was a little bit hyperbole, but he did feel like all these bad things just kept stacking up over and over again. He was pretty sure life was supposed to be better than that.

he stood patiently, listening. let mal spill it all out, all the terrible business of running a pack. cam was relieved to be a subordinate; even half of this on his shoulders would crush him. mal did an admirable job at keeping it all together, and he should hear that—even if he didn't think so.

i'm sorry. i think you do just fine as a leader, he responded, smiling, then let his expression fall. but i understand. it's a lot.

a thought came to him, and he wanted to shove it back and away, far away— but he thought it might need to be spoken aloud. is it here? this place? cam asked. his eyes wandered lovingly over the conifers he'd come to know so well. maybe there's too much trouble around us. in elysium, there weren't any problems. well, until the bears came, at least.

he forgot, for a moment, that mal hadn't had the same uneventful experience in the willows as he had, and by the time he remembered it was too late to take it back. erm, sorry, he mumbled awkwardly, giving his alpha a sidelong glance. but. . .it was peaceful. for me, anyway. happy. maybe there's another place that's better.

not that anywhere could be closer to his heart than neverwinter forest. but even the most beautiful home was no good if it continually faced assault from outside forces.

Mal's view of the past was different. Darker. And maybe just like today it felt like too much. It wasn't a good place for me either. Bad stuff happened there too. Before you were born. What was a happy childhood? Brief glimpses before things fell apart, probably. But then it just kept falling apart. 

But the forest? He looked at it too, then shook his head. He couldn't blame the forest, mostly because he liked it here. It couldn't be that. Besides, he had a different first instinct, Maybe it's just me. I'm just cursed somehow. And it effects everyone around me. Maybe it would have been better for everyone if he hadn't made the pack in the first place. Everyone could have found somewhere happy without him. But he didn't say that last bit out loud. Maybe Cam could figure out what he was thinking but not directly said.

cam frowned. he'd been brought up to believe elysium was some sort of paradise, at least before mummy had died. now it seemed he was wrong (unless mal was being incredibly hyperbolic, and he doubted that). maybe nowhere was safe or good. maybe—

no, he blurted as mal had finished speaking, shaking his head emphatically. no, i don't believe that. you've done so many good things. you gave me a home. you saved my life. i probably would have gotten eaten by a bear or ripped apart by another pack if it weren't for you.

and that was just cam. mal had kids, a family. he had wolves that followed him. bad things might have happened, but they bounced back. they had to.

maybe there's bad things everywhere, cam murmured. but there's good things, too. about you, and me, and this place. i dunno what to do about it all—i just try to focus on what's good.

he was a terrible counselor, naive to the horror of the world around him. or no, not even naive. . .ignorant of it all. he blocked it out and focused on the flowers. to take on too much would crush him; mal, unfortunately, didn't have that option.

Cam was probably the closest they had to a success story. He had problems that stopped and things got better-ish. Sorta. But what about Simmik, Liliana, Asmoses, Cupid... Everyone. And I'll keep trying to keep you safe. But other people here haven't been as lucky. It's just been too much. Too many people. I've failed to keep them safe.. And seeing them hurt hurt him in turn. He just wasn't good enough. He tried, but it wasn't enough. He didn't know what to do. Aibreann had assured him that he was doing okay too. Sure didn't seem like it.

But despite any assurances that he was doing ok, Mal wasn't quite feeling it. He sighed slightly, I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with the stuff I gotta. It's not your job. He was always quick to try and take all the weight of the world himself. Even when it maybe was the other person's job. But here? Yeah, no. It wasn't Cam's.

but it takes two, cam argued the first sentiment, though his voice was gentle. i could have gone out and gotten myself hurt or killed. that wouldn't have been your fault. not your failure. just. . .it would have just happened. he knew he was very lucky in that respect—that he had always come back in one piece.

he shook his head, giving the alpha a gentle nudge of his shoulder. it's all of our jobs, he reasoned. we live here just as much as you do. and i. . .i haven't done a good enough job at paying attention, of being present. i could be better, too. i will be. . .will try, anyway.

that kind of burden on one wolf's shoulders was unmanageable, but divided between all of them. . .it could be all right. they would make it.

i want to show you something, cam said, glancing sidelong at mal. will you come?

At least Cam was more positive about it. That was a nice break -- hopefully things would turn the corner soon and everything would be bright. Yeah, that was hoping for too much. It's still not what you signed up for. If anyone has to do stuff they're not good at or don't like, it's supposed to be me, or someone else at the top. Maybe he just saw Cam as someone too young, someone he was supposed to protect rather than off doing the protecting.

But then Cam changed the subject. He nodded, Yeah, I will. A pause, What is it? Or is it a surprise or something? Mal wasn't demanding about it, though -- he was more just curious. He wasn't feeling particularly inspired to be able to make a guess on his own from a blank slate.

I'm fading here bc I needed a segue and I don't actually know what Cam was planning on showing him xD

mal was wrong. cam had signed up for it the moment he chose to stay. well, no—the moment he had grown up within this forest. he wasn't a kid anymore; he, too, was responsible for the well-being of this place and its denizens. but instead of verbally refuting mal's claim, he forged on, focused on other things now.

you'll see. it's very pretty. i think you'll like it, cam remarked, giving the alpha a warm smile. it'll at least take your mind off things.

well, maybe. other wolves didn't seem to like looking at plants and animals as much as he did. but if he could drag mal out of this funk, he would do it. he would bloody well try to, anyway.

he led the mottled wolf through the forest, feeling something of a purpose for the first time in a long while.