Ghost Lion Crag i will not let my future go on without the help of my soul

that was such a heartfelt post!! <3

as emotional as arcturus was presently, he was aware his grip was slipping -- and he half-expected wraen to tease him further for it.

instead, she seemed to figuratively pull herself up by her bootstraps, and the way she addressed him thereafter surprised arcturus. it was as if she saw him truly -- bitterly, arcturus wondered why it couldn't have been her there in that fateful hour, and not the succubus that had taken his innocence and then denounced it to the wilderness.

as if it weren't something precious to hold onto.

no one had ever explained the season, or the more nuanced particulates of it (such as sex, and what comes after) to arcturus. it was not for lack of trying. surely, his parents would have taken him aside and educated him when he was ready.. but they had died nearly a year before he would ever find that secondary hunger awoken in him.

all he had as guidance was how things were done on the 'spear. hydra expected mates, children -- this caused his gut to clench, for he had neither, and believed this would come at significant shame to his family. but here was wraen, counseling him and telling him there was a difference -- that the act could be measured, and was not all one and the same.

lust, or love?

his shoulders sagged as he thought of the weight of her question. certainly what he had wanted had not been what had happened. he had never really given his future as a husband much thought, other than someday, he expected to be successful in that regard: to him, his life could be measured as well-lived if he was a good partner, with a strong wife, and healthy children.

the enormity of that future life terrified him. perhaps the stranger had done him a kindness, cutting him from that narrowing cord. what is it you want in life? right away he knew the answer: to make his parents proud. to be the best man he could be, for himself, for his future, for moonspear. how could he articulate all of that, without sounding cheesy?

he fumbled instead. "i don't know." a lie -- his downcast gaze would surely betray him. "i mean, i know. it just sounds lame." mumbling with his face cast downward, arcturus dared not meet wraen's gaze -- what if he saw derision, or worse, mockery in her eyes?

"i thought it was supposed to be that when it happened, that was who you were with, forever.. and that was the person you chose, for your mate and for children.. and that sharing it would be special, or i don't know.. does this mean in the future --" he paused, choked again by that unsettling feeling of unworthiness. "does that mean i am sullied? will it change things -- have i thrown away my shot?"