Sunset Valley and leave you like they left me here

@Aditya backdated some
quietly re-posts this

In the distance, the sun's golden descent lit the sky with a myriad of color; reminiscent of Paradise Garden, he noted distantly. Shades of salmon overlapped with peach and lilac, lined with bright white-gold along the horizon where the edges of the earth slowly swallowed the light of the sun. The air was damp and sweet, perhaps a bit chilled now; it would likely rain soon in the valley.

Alarian mulled this quietly. He would not move from where he had tucked himself among the slopes and curves of the land— perhaps not even until the next day. It was not exhaustion that rooted him so thoroughly, though he felt it saturating his bones further with each passing day, but fear. His home was no longer a home, he realized, and he was loathe to return; perhaps he'd just run away with Zamael.

Perhaps from a distance, the tiny figure splayed not five feet from a thin creek would seem lifeless. His coat was ragged, tangled in many places with various bits of flora caught among the mess of ash-and-ink; even a quick glance told of the malnutrition he suffered, as it had lent an unflattering gauntness to his figure and features. Only the faint rise and fall of his chest and the dull champagne of his slowly-searching gaze truly marked him as one of the living. He had no desire to move.
Instead he simply watched the world around him, and listened, and gathered his thoughts. There were many; not all of them made sense, and not all of them were reasonable. But they were his— and this hurt was his— and he would hold onto it as long as he could. He could not forget again how it felt to be here.

after he'd left eris, he kept on to bracken sanctuary, his heart in his throat. the pressure only increased further when he caught sight of the familiar colours of alarian's pelt, huddled by a trickle of water. it seemed that he wouldn't have to go all the way to broken boulder, after all. swallowing, aditya moved that way, giving a low, gentle bark to announce he was coming; alarian was quite still--perhaps he was sleeping.

but out here? in the open, away from his pack?

"hello," aditya said awkwardly, once he'd come within a few paces of the man. he shuffled his paws, unsure of what to say next. what could he say, at this point? he had ran, like a coward. left alarian with a horrible impression. he'd taken what he'd needed and vanished without another word. and it weighed down on his conscience like a stone.

"i'm sorry," he said simply, trying to meet the other's gaze. "not for you. not for what we had, at least for a little while. . .i don't regret that. but for leaving you so suddenly and for using you, so, in that moment. i acted on my instincts, rather than treating you as the friend that you are."

he continued, unable to rein in his words any longer. "i understand if you're not able to forgive me. i also understand if you'd rather not be friends, again. but i just wanted to try to make things right between us. to not leave us hanging on that. . .terrible note."

He scented Aditya's approach before he heard the bark; he didn't move even at the sound, save a single flick of his ears. It was hard to gather the willpower, even as his chest tightened. The sound of his approach was what finally prompted him to lift his head, but he couldn't— he couldn't look at him.
Alarian kept his gaze trained to the ground in front of the golden wolf, pulse quickening. Many feelings assaulted him, then. Mostly shame; the experience had left him feeling horribly exposed, confused about the intent, and unsure if he should feel violated. There was insecurity, too— he couldn't deny that he had wanted it, even if he hadn't wanted it to be that way. And it was clear, to him, that Aditya had only been seeking release.
When he started to speak, all of these thoughts were thrown into chaos. At once he both confirmed and contradicted Alarian's assumptions. He didn't know what to say. For a fleeting moment, he allowed his gaze to flit over Aditya's face, raw but not hostile. Any harsh words he might have had for the golden wolf before were gone; perhaps it was a flaw of his. Alarian glanced back down just as quickly.

I— And then there were tears, damn them! He squeezed his eyes shut but was unable to stop them, curling tighter into himself. A deeper panic filled him, then— what if he drove him off? What if Aditya turned tail again, and he could not say what he needed to? Don't— leave. The words came haltingly, slightly choked by the swell of emotion thick in his throat. He fell silent again, swallowing hard and blinking rapidly in an effort to compose himself before the man left again.

he saw the shine of sudden tears and willed himself not to crumble, pain filling his chest as he realized that he had done this. he had caused this. and there was no walking it back, ever. no changing things. all he could do was--

"i won't leave," aditya promised, his own voice a little thick with emotion. "i'll stay as long as it takes for us to figure things out. for each of us to say our piece." he cleared his throat, settling down on his haunches. he kept his eyes trained on alarian, though not in a threatening way, nor lascivious, either. just patiently expectant, waiting for a friend to speak.

that was all he could do. he could stay, and listen to alarian. for he had given his words, and now he must receive the answer. he must leave the turbulent emotions from their encounter behind and approach this conversation with remorse, apology. . .and a willingness to move on.

He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding at the male's words. It was suddenly easier to calm himself, to stem the tears that had come so quickly. Truth be told, Aditya was doing everything right— at least, as far as Alarian was concerned. He almost hated it. Almost.
A larger part of him was beginning to settle. The hurt was soothed; not healed, but smoothed for the moment, and perhaps already on its way. When he found enough composure to speak, he glanced up first. Briefly again, but it was almost a check-in of sorts. 'Look, I'm calming down! Kind of!'
Thank you, Alarian started quietly when his gaze was firmly on the ground again. For apologizing— for staying. I don't... I don't know what to say, but I don't hate you. He let that hang for a moment, trying to figure out what he would say next. I don't know if I forgive you— I don't know if there's anything to forgive you for. It's not like— A short, bitter laugh interrupted his words. It's not like I was perfectly well-adjusted before you came along, Aditya.
I could have said no; I should have, I should have known it'd be a mistake— The tears were starting back. He swallowed hard. At least, for you. And I— I just— I wasn't looking to be anyone else's mistake. All I was trying to do was comfort you— not that I wouldn't want to— but you have a mate— and I didn't think... I didn't think you'd ever look twice at me, even just for that.

But that was crossing the line, he knew. It was crossing the line even further than Aditya fucking him had— because that was physical, it was nothing. This— this was deeper only by fractions, and somehow worse by miles. He swallowed again, glancing to Aditya; he didn't really expect anything from his response, didn't know if he even wanted one. But he had to see his reaction. He had to know that, at least.

he bore the brunt of every word, this cascade of words that started so smoothly and ended up falling like hail upon him, blow after blow after blow. took it silently, staring down at alarian, barely blinking, barely breathing. he could have reacted more, could have let his emotions take over--but what good what that have done?

he'd already let his emotions get the best of him before. the last time he'd done so was why he was in this position in the first place.

no more of that. there was no room for recklessness.

"you shouldn't have had to say no," aditya responded, after alarian seemed to have ended his sentences, for now. his voice was hollow--sad, but not overwhelmingly so. regretful, but not to a fault. "you're my friend, alarian. friends don't use each other like i used you."

he sighed. "you did comfort me, and i took advantage of that. that's what i'm sorry for. not for you, or anything you did--but for what i did, and how i treated you. i let my anger make my decisions for me." adi looked down, and to his utter shock, he felt tears gather in his eyes, hastily blinking them away before continuing. "no one should be anyone else's mistake."

Honestly, part of him had wanted to hate Aditya at first; only a small part, and he supposed he had never truly given in to it. Even with his worst break down, only hours after the fact, he had not considered taking any action against him— had not considered viewing him as an enemy, even if he wished he could. Because ultimately, Aditya was a good man.
Better than Alarian could ever be.
His chest tightened again, this time at the golden wolf's distress. Ignoring the way the word friend prickled oddly at him (he knew he had no right to feel this way, but it almost felt as if he did after having Aditya atop him), he softened under the other's remorse. He did not forget what had happened between them— how could he?— but for a moment, it seemed less important.
Somehow he was even more hesitant than he had been the first time, quicker to move away when he reached to press his nose comfortingly to Aditya's cheek if allowed. It's okay, He offered with his retreat, soft and warm; his own hurt was easy to swallow in that moment. You were hurting. Everyone does things they regret when they're hurt— it's okay.
And he meant it, right then. Maybe he wouldn't, later— maybe he'd leave this encounter and find himself crumbling again. But that would be okay, too; Alarian was always broken. At least one of them could walk away okay, maybe.

he stiffened as alarian touched him, but made no move to shy away, giving him the faintest of smiles instead. the corners of his mouth were tight, though, and his stomach in knots. it wasn't as if he didn't believe alarian--he just thought he hadn't done enough. not nearly enough, to prove how sorry he was. nothing would ever be enough.

"can you forgive me?" aditya asked--nay, pleaded. "and accept my word that no matter how much i am hurting, i will never use you to heal? because i promise, alarian. i promise you--i will never hurt you to help me. not again."

he was a fool, an idiot. he'd never felt so low in his life, and he had done some questionable things. mostly in his younger years. but he was a man of nearly twenty seasons--shouldn't he know better than this? to drag a friend down into the depths with him, to let emotions dictate his actions.

he had thought of himself as selfless, but dawn's selfish actions had, in turn, made him selfish as well. and that was unforgivable, in his opinion--but he hoped, desperately, that alarian might find it in his heart to forgive.

He couldn't have missed the way Aditya stiffened; it stung, honestly, but he understood— and he knew not to do it again. Quiet now, he curled himself up again. The exposed feeling was back, and all he could hear was "Do you want me?"

But the other was speaking. Alarian nodded mutely, then realized it would not be enough. Yes, It was quiet; he wished he didn't mean it. He wished he was petty enough to hold this against his friend— to hate him for not wanting him. It was stupid, though, wasn't it? Aditya, who had a mate— Aditya, who he hadn't even considered for that very reason until his gaze had turned hungry on him. That made it worse, he thought; he had been fine before that.
And now he felt rejected by a man who had come on to him with such intensity. It's okay, He repeated, though he wondered if he was speaking to himself or to Aditya. I— I know you didn't mean it. He knew very well, now.

his words brought aditya's gaze sharply onto him, lit with surprise. didn't mean it? "no, alarian, i meant it," adi murmured, taking a deep inhale to collect himself. "i went about it the complete wrong way. . .but i meant it. just because i used you, just because i did you wrong, doesn't mean you were a mistake, to me."

he'd thought about it, since. his body underneath, the feeling of his hips pressed against the scrawny thighs. it had left him breathless, and feeling guilty all the same--but not for alarian's sake, no. in other circumstances, in better circumstances, he'd have stayed with the man for hours--forever, even--curled up in drowsy post-coital bliss by his side.

"i want you to know that," aditya said firmly, staring at alarian. "to know that i meant it, that i care about you. that the shame i feel is not for you, but only for myself." indeed, the shame was rooted deep within him, but alarian was the cause of none of it. he would not allow the young man to think otherwise.

Had he been drinking water, he'd have choked on it very ungracefully right then; luckily, he wasn't. What a fuckin' plot twist, huh? Alarian blinked at him.
"I meant it"— he what? You what? He remembered to breathe. I mean— um, He laughed slightly, breathless and very nervous. Are you sure? Don't— don't answer that.
He knew he shouldn't have felt relief right then. In fact, it should have horrified him; Aditya still had a mate, and a pack to take care of entirely separate from Bracken Sanctuary. There was no hope for them— but he couldn't help it. Even if it would never amount to anything— Aditya wanted him. Truth be told, Ali's self-esteem really needed that.
You shouldn't have meant it, He advised, tone suggesting he didn't really mean this. But there was a seriousness to his gaze despite the hints of teasing. I'm a wreck, you know. Alarian allowed the 'and, yknow, mate' to hang silently in the air between them; his expression implied it well enough, surely. His next addition was quiet, rushed: But— I'm... glad you did.

But he wouldn't act on the admission; he respected his friend too much. Instead he relaxed, stretching out lazily and preparing himself for a topic jump of epic proportions. How is Morningside? His tone shifted to business, tinged with concern but firm— there was no going back to the awkward territory he had just shoved the conversation away from.

he couldn't help the lopsided smile that bloomed over his face at alarian's surprise, though it faded when the man described himself as a wreck. he hated to see alarian so hard on himself. nevertheless, he gave a gracious nod in response, affirming that all his words had, indeed, been true.

he had wanted alarian. he still did, somewhere deep down. that desire had come suddenly to the surface, in his sadness and anger; now it was buried within layers of concern for what came next. he had sorted things with alarian, but now he must face dawn.

and that conversation would be even more difficult than this one.

"morningside. . .is complicated," aditya murmured, appreciating that alarian so seamlessly changed the topic. "our leader grayday died, very suddenly. we've been trying to figure things out from there. but there are reasons to be happy, too. we have new pups--five of them. and three older ones besides that. now we just have to figure out how to feed them all," he added, with a laugh.

he leveled his gaze onto the other, head tilted in question. "how is bracken sanctuary? morningside had a visit from your sister, about a moon or so ago. she seemed to suggest things were well." he left out their most recent meeting, for good reason.

He listened intently, putting the pieces together quickly; their leader, Grayday, Dawn's father— right. Aditya's attachment and importance within the pack made more sense by the moment. Pups... he didn't mention any of his own, a fact for which Alarian was oddly relieved. It did set an odd picture in his mind— a perfect set-up, he thought, for the affair that had driven the golden wolf to him.

Not that it mattered much. The moment he'd heard the reason for the beautiful man's tears, Dawn had become Mega-Bitch in his mind; Alarian had never been very nice when he felt in competition with a woman. Not that there was any competition. He'd still never want to be friends with the woman— and he'd still always check out her mate when no one was looking— but Alarian could be satisfied with his petty thoughts and leave well enough alone.
That's a lot, He commented quietly, offering a sympathetic smile. If there's anything you need— anything Morningside needs, just let me know.
To his question: They... are, It wasn't entirely untrue. Our other leader and his... friend welcomed their own pups recently. Otherwise, the Sanctuary has been fairly uneventful. Best not to mention their inner turmoil, he thought; it wasn't quite Aditya's business anyway.

"thank you," he responded graciously to alarian's offer, dipping his muzzle in genuine gratitude. there wasn't much to do, except move on. but he appreciated the offer, nonetheless, especially coming on the heels of the monumentally stupid thing he had done. he wasn't one to turn down help when needed; he'd keep it in the back of his mind, always.

aditya smiled at alarian's news, wagging his tail. "well, that's great news," he remarked. "how wonderful. i must pay a visit to broken boulder, soon." it had been on the agenda for quite some time, but this latest catastrophe had thrown a wrench into those plans. but now that he and alarian had made nice once more. . .

In a way, it really was unfair; Alarian couldn't bring himself to feel wronged anymore. The absence of that feeling brought something far more twisted. Aditya was normally so kind— so level. Perhaps he had inspired such a reaction. Nevermind that the other had just wasted a fair amount of time assuring him of the opposite. Of course Aditya would do that, right?
You should, He agreed softly, most of his focus going into masking the emotions rising within him. Self-loathing, mainly; it was just like him to draw out the worst in others and make them believe it was their fault. He never meant to, and perhaps that made it worse. There was a fair amount of guilt, too. Aditya had already been hurt— and he had made it worse.
He rose to his feet quite suddenly, blinking and looking down as dizziness washed over him. I should— get back before they send out a search party. The joke came a little tiredly. Um, by the way, I'm— sorry. For all of that. Y'know, I don't see you any differently than I did before— you're a good man, Aditya, and a good friend.
And it was technically true; he didn't see Aditya differently. He just... felt differently, now. Oh, and... For what it's worth, the only disappointing part was when you ran away, He stretched out his forelimbs as he said it, tone casual and gaze drifting somewhere past Aditya. It was slightly teasing, and maybe a little bit for shock value; a playful grin broke his deadpan expression after a beat. Cultural differences, I guess. I'd better really go, now— He swallowed, expression growing serious again. I hope... I hope everything works out for you.

the smile stayed on his face, not wavering. it seemed like all had been cleared up, at least on the surface. the guilt would still nag at him for a while yet, and perhaps alarian still had some bad feelings within, but they were now civil enough to go about their business. he nodded as alarian rose to his feet, a laugh bubbling up and over at the sanctuary leader's attempts at humor.

"if there's ever a next time, i promise i won't run away," aditya responded impulsively. he could have hit himself for that. instead, he flushed; if he were human, he would be crimson all over. trying to recover himself, he took a shaky breath and gave another curt nod, businesslike. "goodbye for now, alarian. best of luck to you and bracken sanctuary."

without another word, aditya shot alarian one last grin, then turned on his heel, tail slightly lower than usual--humility, he supposed. he didn't feel at ease until he was nearly halfway home, and maybe not even then. but at least--at least!--some of the burden had been taken off his shoulders.