Blacktail Deer Plateau we are in a state of flux

AAAH IM TOO IMPATIENT. staying vague abt some things. @Mallaidh

well. she's still sans branwen and furi, but she's well tended to -- though it'll take another day or so before she'll be able to make her way back to drageda. the girls are.. cute, and sweet, and blix half wonders if she can persuade them to come back with her (not half because she still isn't sure how to get back to the coast from here). they kept her from dying like an idiot out here so nomi will surely accept them. 

but there's something that keeps nagging at her -- there's a fourth scent here, clinging to the girl's fur, present amongst the den, and it's not.. exactly like she remembers (and she remembers very clearly), but it's close enough that she feels as if she's napping in a ghost's den. there's no other evidence that it is what she thinks it is -- and being who she is, blix is inclined to write it off as wishful thinking. besides, she knew this was a fool's errand from the start. she's gotta get back to drageda, gotta find branwen and apologise. no time for... this fragile hope she can't quite squash.

She’d gone off the plateau the day before in search of food for the lot of them, something more than small game. They’ve been here long enough she’s started to wonder if they need to move on and find another place. It isn’t barren by any means and they haven’t had too much trouble with other wolves. There aren’t even any obvious neighbors even, and the other girls haven’t reported anything she’s been aware of anyway. Restlessness settles in a way that she can’t explain and haven’t yet brought up to the others, and just maybe they feel the same way too. They found this place once, they’ll find another.
 
As she returns, there is no excitement to her steps. There hadn’t been a single indication of a herd traveling by and she hadn’t wanted to get too far without their help. Mallaidh takes the long way back, not searching for anyone in particular, but she does swing by Max’s den when she realizes she’s nearby. Her nose flares a bit, searching for her, but her brows knit together when something else tickles her nose. Before she realizes whom it belongs to, panic begins to set in and her ears fall back, anxiously licking her lips. Feet are frozen in place, staring ahead—she isn’t entirely sure which way to go to avoid the fiery girl, unaware her scent leads further toward Max’s herb den.

her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of someone coming by -- she assumes it's max and forces herself to her feet, ignoring the protesting twinge of her ankle. "hey, can i ask you something?" blix says as she moves forward, though whether it's a lead into 'walk me back and maybe stay with me' or 'hey weird smell reminds me of that girl i'm looking for' is unclear even to her in the moment. really depends on which hits her mouth first.

only it's not max. it's

.
.
.
.
.

"furi," comes her voice in a ragged whisper, half a question, mostly shocked. she hadn't wanted to let herself hope -- she'd not thought -- without thinking she starts to move toward the other girl, only to have her ankle shout in protest, making her stumble and sink to the ground in an awkward arc. she stays there, afraid that furi will disappear if she takes her eyes off of her, her tail beating against the ground.

"you're... i didn't think i'd find you."

Every red light begins to flash signal to leave. If she doesn’t leave right now, Blixen is going to show up right in front of her. Her stomach twists and she picks up a paw, looking one way and then the other, determining the best route, but she berates herself because there’s no time to decide! It’s their last encounter all over again and she doesn’t know what way to go, frozen in place until the more or less emerges from the ground. Mallaidh gasps in surprise when she actually sees her and she stammers back.
 
“Y-you were looking for me?” she asks first, brows knit together. One paw still hovers the ground, wholly uncertain if she should even be here. “Why are… you in Max’s den?”

blix stays rooted to the ground, too intensely focused on furi to feel silly about her positioning. her question -- so wonderfully, obliviously furi! -- makes her laugh, not loudly and mockingly, but something shy and sweet. "of course -- i -- well. i wanted to come looking for you sooner, but there was a bear in the sound and -- anyway," ahem, moving right past that (despite the beautiful scars she now...bears) "i couldn't come until now. but i got separated from my friend and, uh, sprained my ankle in the forest somewhere. max and the others found me and helped me out -- are they your friends?"

None of what Blixen says is what she expects, for some reason. Certainly Blixen just found this den and decided to be in it. She doesn’t have a clue who any of her friends are. That’s the easy solution, of course, but as the fiery girl rambles about she got her, Mallaidh swims for answers.
 
“I don’t understand,” she blurts, shaking her head, “yes, they’re my friends… you hurt yourself?” Mallaidh doesn’t know what to start, doesn’t know what to make of this—is the rest of Drageda around the corner after her? “Why were you looking for me?” she nervously asks, “h-how did you…?” Her heart beats loudly in her chest, pumping adrenaline with each thunderous surge to the tips of her ears and toes.

furi's reaction isn't surprising to blix, who has been through the ghost of similar conversations enough times. she doesn't know that she's afraid of drageda coming for her -- if she did she could've put that worry to rest right quick -- and all the answers she's prepared slip away before she can grab hold of them, until she blurts "because i love you," and has to finally look down at her paws to fight the naked vulnerabilty of it. belatedly she thinks, thats probably not what furi wants to hear, but when has she been good at saying what furi wants to hear? 

when she speaks again it is slower. "you left without saying goodbye or anything. did you think i didn't -- that i wouldn't be worried about you?" a small frown has taken residence underneath her drooping eyes, though it reads more anxious than condemning. "i didn't know you were here," she adds, daring to look back up, hoping furi hasn't already run away from her once more.

Because I love you.
 
Everything inside Mallaidh freezes from her blood to her bones and every thought has come to a halt. After all this, it is because Blixen loves her. After everything she’s put her through, it is somehow still there. Finally, her eyes trail away and she stares at the ground, her stomach churning as she tries to come up with something else to say.
 
But then Blixen opens her mouth again and her brows knit together, feeling a heat rise in her chest she struggles to bite back. “I ran away, remember,” she snaps hard enough to surprise herself, eyes widening a little. She shakes her head and sighs, trying to shake it off and steel herself. “I didn’t want to leave, but you’re mom… and you!” she blurts though she’s attempted to ignore everything that happened but Saarthal’s encouraged her to dig back into her past and well, apparently that meant quite literally.
 
“You don’t love me,” she says, this time quietly and her gaze averted, “you don’t even know me.”

there's a lot of ways furi could react but anger is not one she expects -- or maybe she did expect it and just didn't want to admit it to herself. she hurt furi. she knows this, knew this, so why did she think it'd be so easy to make things up? it hasn't been easy between them for a while. the admission that she didn't want to leave cracks her heart, only for it to shatter completely by the time furi gets to

you don't love me.

the shilkru opens her mouth and closes it several times, the full impact of those quiet words working their way through her too-hot blood. belatedly she recognizes that she's burned too hotly and scorched the earth between her and her friend. the fight goes out of her body: she slumps, unable to bring herself to look at furi. 

"...i'm sorry," she says softly, and her legs tremble. "i'm sorry for my mom and -- and for me, too. i guess i fucked things up pretty permanently, huh?" a self-deprecating laugh escapes her, leaving her winded for a moment. when she speaks again it is only to say, "maybe you're right that i don't -- know you, the way i should. but i -- i wanted to. i still want to." blixen finally steals a glance, if you'd let me hanging unsaid between them, if it's not too late for me.

A heavy silence fills a few seconds when Blixen can’t find the words. Mallaidh sighs and turns away from her, taking a step in the other direction just to try and clear her head. It doesn’t make sense how she’d been found in the first place, she doesn’t have a clue where they are in relation to Drageda but she knows the former pack’s immediate surroundings to know this isn’t one of them. How did Blixen out here? Why is it this she chooses to fixate on, shaking her head when she hears the start of the girl’s apology.
 
Mallaidh looks over her shoulder and smiles, pacing back in her direction. “I don’t know what happened,” she started, licking her lips. “I blacked out for a little while. I think I ran into a tree or something,” she shrugs, “and I woke up somewhere I didn’t recognize, I don't know how long it had been... someone helped me clean up.” She vaguely gestures with a paw toward the right side of her head. A raw scar has formed, mostly covered by fur these days. “I… probably could have found my way back.” Mallaidh takes a deep breath and pauses, as if there’s more to say but she doesn’t have a way to convey it. Her future with Blixen and Drageda had become some grey area she can’t decipher, not sure what she wants of it and only accepting the idea they would reject her. Blixen, standing across from her and confessing her love changes all of that.

for a moment she thinks that's the end of it, that furi will shake her head and walk away, leaving her (probably deservedly) to her fate. and what could she do? she can't go anywhere yet with her ankle and she can't leave drageda (can she?) to stay here.

instead furi smiles at her and her heart skips a beat. furi's explanation -- well, she doesn't need it -- but now she has it and a tiny frown tugs the corners of her mouth back down. "but you didn't," blixen says in the same soft voice, not accusing, just... saying. even if she hadn't meant to leave permanently she'd chosen to stay away and to build a new life for herself... and all blix wants is to bring her and the other girls back with her but will that be what furi wants? what furi needs? she opens her mouth and closes it again, her teeth snapping together anxiously, for once in her life afraid of saying the wrong thing instead of just throwing a bunch of verbal spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.

but you didn’t.
 
Mallaidh doesn’t respond at first, staring at Blixen in silence. When she crossed the line separating Drageda from the rest of the world, Furi went away. She’d run into her feet bled, until she hit that tree that made her forget. Pale gaze looks downward, staring at the space between them. Slowly, she nods. “I didn’t.” 
 
Say something.
I miss you.
Out loud.

With lips tight, a breath painfully releases.

it's not enough for her to let furi get away like this -- again -- leaving so much unsaid between them. slowly she pushes herself to her feet, wincing as she puts weight on her injured ankle. "you could've," blix says, which is the obvious thing, and "you still can," which is the less obvious thing but the most important one. she -- god she wants to hear furi say how she feels, how she's felt, anything at all! "do you," she starts -- and aborts the sentence, unclear possibilities (think about me/miss me/forgive me/want to) lingering in the air like their shared history. it's not enough but it's what she's got right now.

You could’ve, she looks down, you still can. It goes against everything she’s told herself. Can she go back? Or is Blixen just saying it? If they knew who she actually is, they probably wouldn’t take her. What is a liar in their face? No one had sent her but she’d hidden long enough to know better. Mallaidh looks to the side; anywhere but Blixen. 

She opens her mouth to say something but her teeth snap together when Blixen opens her mouth, but does not say what she means. She waits a few seconds to allow her to finish but the silence is brutal. “What?” she asks, holding her breath, certain she doesn’t want the other half of the question but unable to help herself.

furi doesn't let her get away with it of course. blix scrambles for the conclusion, embarrassed when she finally says "do you - want to. want  -- me to know who you are." it's not what she intends to ask but it's the one that makes its way out first, pressing. and it matters! what effort is she wasting if furi still won't yield an inch to her? she can't know someone who only hides -- hell, she still doesnt know what furi means. her expression turns imploring (because i want to, i said that), hoping that this -- that she is enough to earn something here. please, furi, please. i can only give myself -- i can't take you.

The question is clunky and confusion at first, and not really what she expected. Truthfully, she didn’t expect to see her again and this question never surfaced except in the form of regret. If Blixen knew who she really was, would it have stopped her from fleeing? From breaking it off? What does Blixen knowing her now make a difference?
 
Saarthal.
 
“I don’t know,” she starts, “I don’t really know who I am. I think I have to figure that out first.” Pain pinches behind her eyes and she blinks back the welling of tears, turning her head and shaking them out. Mallaidh inhales a sharp breath and looks back, opening her mouth to say something—you shouldn’t have come here? Don’t say that—but her teeth snap shut and she steels her face. “You know who you are. You have a family and everything I don’t—” she pauses, biting back words she knows will hurt.

furi's answer isn't what she wants to hear. the words hurt but she keeps her mouth shut, fighting the urge to prickle and snap. after all it is this very argument that pushed them apart in the first place -- and since then she'd had that conversation with rose, and even if she still doesn't get it, she wants to get it. and she knows she's privileged, too, in a way she hadn't recognized before.

"you're not wrong," she says at last, wincing as she imagines where that final statement might have lead. "i never had to think about any of this stuff before. if i hadn't met you i probably never would have." here she pauses to laugh, a humorless, nervous sound. she wishes she could make it easy for furi -- but she'd never been able to, and she knows she's probably never going to be able to. she's just.. not good at it.

instead: "but like. i think you're -- you're brilliant, furi. whatever you -- have to do, i'm sure you'll figure it out eventually. y'know?"

Hearing Blixen admit it doesn’t make it any easier. The weight of tears are heavy and she closes her eyes, the swelling bursting through eyelashes. Her head turns and she looks away, taking a deep breath. Where was this months ago? If this conversation had happened back then, maybe she’d still be in Drageda. She’d still be Furi.
 
You’d still be lost.
 
Mallaidh swallows thickly and takes a breath, nodding more to the voice than what the fiery girl is saying. “You should go home,” she says, glancing back and realizing—“when you can, I mean.” It’s for the best, for both of them. “Maybe we’ll meet again but,” she finishes with a lazy shrug of uncertainty.

finally they're talking -- really talking -- and even now furi is shoving her away. she can't help herself. "would it kill you to give me an inch?" blixen asks, not meanly, her mouth worn into a threadbare smile. it's not as if she expected furi to fall back into her arms and come home with her (even if, of course, she'd hoped for it). 

there's no fight left in her now. exhausted limbs turn her away from her ex girlfriend, the injured ankle held tenderly against her chest. "i wasn't going to try to stay," she murmurs, unable to hide the hurt in her voice even as her expression shutters. "i couldn't just leave like that." like you did. there's other things still she wants to say, desperately coiled in her throat, should she never see her again -- but instead she draws her tongue across her lips and casts a glance at furi, letting her vulnerabilty hang clearly between them. making furi be the one to walk away again. 

she never learns.

Now isn’t the time they’re meant to meet again. Too hurt from each other, too fresh in their minds. Mallaidh is far too insecure to be able to tell Blixen anything. She can’t risk the chance the fiery girl won’t understand again and it’s best to keep it quiet. But Blixen turns away from her and Mallaidh droops, staring at the ground.
 
“I can’t make you understand something I don’t understand,” she tries though it is evident she doesn’t have the energy either. They hurt each other but what is a few ounces more upon tons? “You don’t have to trust me but I wish you would. I really need to do this first,” she adds with a strained voice, keeping herself firmly planted—no, this time she won’t leave, not without doing everything she can in the moment.

but furi doesn't walk away. blix sucks in a breath, trying to push past the sting of her words and her immediate desire to snap back to listen. "i do," she can't help but protest despite it, stopping herself. does she trust furi? she wants the answer to be yes -- but wanting doesn't make it true. not now.

"i want to trust you," she tells her, turning back toward her. "i really -- i do want to understand, so. do -- do whatever it is you need to do. i'm not gonna -- i won't try to stop you, i promise." tentatively she creeps forward, wondering if furi will allow her one small touch, some gesture toward... something she still wants, even if they don't have it right now.

I do.
 
Mallaidh sucks in a breath and holds it, thankful to hear the words. It’s not much, but a compromise, but there’s an emptiness she worries it’s too soon. What if they never see each other again? No, she tells herself. You want to be better, too. She can take the release, at least. Whatever she has to do, right?
 
The girl nods then releases the breath as they touch. Pale eyes close and she leans, a little, and resists the urge to cave and fall into her embrace. Stiffly, she backs up and this time turns to leave.

when furi turns to leave again it does not feel incomplete the way it usually does. being granted the touch is more than she'd anticipated -- her heart swells -- she bites down the urge to call out after her or try to chase her. hadn't pushing her before she was ready caused them to fall apart in the first place? 

blixen is not very patient, but maybe she can learn, for furi. 

she stays frozen in place, her breath drawn until finally her ex girlfriend fades from view. only then does she breathe again, slowly retreating back into the comfort of max's den. she'll leave first thing in the morning, not caring if she still has to limp, and the spot where briefly her and furi touched will burn red hot for the weeks to come.