Jade Fern Grove the ache and pull of despair

AW but maybe @Bazi or @Swift

They had moved their family home – his heart was practically split entirely by the time they had tucked Swift away in to the den to sleep. Scimitar had placed food from the caches for his boy to find.. but even a decent meal would not help him now. His eyes were gone, and Swift could no longer see.
 
He ached to hold them. Allure too was nestled inside, refusing to leave the side of her ivory brother. And so he waited outside, letting them get the rest they needed.
 
His own form remained at the den entrance – a bear of a wolf who refused to leave. A tremor coursed through him now though – a light shaking that remained persistent, as fear subsided and grief fully took over him. He inhaled sharply, his eyes unreadable as they cast out before the ‘kingdom’ they had come to claim.
 
The very kingdom where a group of bears had attacked his family.. and he had done nothing about it.

The homecoming was far from joyous. They left Swift's eyes on the plains and in the wood - he would never see again. Several times during their journey, just before sleep snatched her for an uneasy hour, Bazi imagined that his eyes would grow back. It was the boy's own words that echoed when she regained consciousness and really thought about it - some hurts don't go away. This was it for him now.

She announced her abdication as soon as their feet hit Jade Fern Grove, offering the role to @Kaskara in the same breath. Everything about her was defeated; she was dirty, bedraggled, and tired, barely able to keep her eyes open but knowing that her's was the only sight Swift had. She stayed close to him, stealing glances at Scimitar every now and then, trying to gague his reaction. How he must be feeling. She could not imagine it - they had smelled bears, and now.. if Bazi's guilt was anything to go by, Scimitar's was crushing him.

Eventually, wordlessly, she entrusted the childrens' full care to her husband and went away to bathe. When she returned, damp but a little less dirty, he was standing guard where they slept. Bazi cleared her throat and sat down on the fringe of Scimitar's eyeline. It wasn't your fault. It wouldn't help, but she wanted to say it - they had both followed the bear's trail, and neither one had read anything into it. Whereas it was not within Bazi's nature to shoulder guilt for very long, Scimitar was prone to tying it in double knots around his neck. She could practically see it tugging on his neck. "He treated himself," she told him softly. "I don't know.. how he knows what to do, but he does."

Bazi had left to wash herself up and time must have swiftly passed. She returned, pulling him from his thoughts and talking. It forced his eyes upon her – the first true look he had given her since they had taken their pack mates home. He had worried for her, yes, but his grief and fear had been driven more from his kids than anything else. Now, standing before him was the woman who he believed to no longer love him, and in turn, perhaps he no longer loved her.
 
He waited for the punishment she would bring him for this –l almost hoped for it. Her fangs had recently torn his skin for a lot less, and so he remained confused by her statement, his eyes falling upon the torn ear and lip. “He won’t be able to do it anymore,” he spoke, unsure now just what his son would even be able to do with his life.. or what quality of life he would have.

Bazi found herself feeling rather more optimistic than her forlorn mate, having faced far worse odds in the last 72 hours than they were facing now. She dismissed his worries with a little shake of her head. "He has a good nose," she insisted, looking towards the snoozing shapes at Scimitar's back. Swift deserved to sleep for a week, but so did Allure - although she had not seen either of her brother's eyes depart his head, she had been plenty traumatized. "He's a good boy. And he has me," Bazi went on, leaving an accidental pause before remembering to add, "And you. He'll be fine."

He winced at her words, his eyes casting upon the ground as a scowl seemed to etch itself permanently in to the rich brown of his forehead. He began to push himself up then, realizing that it was likely Bazi wished to be at the side of her two children – perhaps even get some sleep herself.
 
He couldn’t remember the last time they had shared a den.. and he felt the disorientation of their relationship like a burning ember.. beginning to fade, but never quite burning out. “I’ll keep watch over there,” he uttered, giving a hard nod to a larger tree that loomed nearby. He was not ready to let Swift or Allure out of his line of vision.

"I'll keep watch over here," he grumbled, sweeping her words off the table. It was one of Bazi's least favourite things about him - the unwillingness to engage, to throw the first punch and see what happened. The Grove mother's ears slicked back, and a hiss of air escaped the hole in her lip with a hiss. "You can keep watch exactly where you are," she replied curtly, too tired to raise her voice. "I'm not some diseased skank, despite what your face says." No-one could tell exactly what Scimitar's looks said; he had a general air of displeasure about him, but the specifics were beyond any living creature - perhaps even himself, and definitely his wife. Whatever their beef, it had been hanging over their heads for a long time now, and Bazi was bursting at the seams. Swift had removed his own eyeball - surely his parents cold extract whatever piece of coal was burning holes in the strands of their union.

Apparently his words ignited her – as they often did – and his eyes regarded her quietly, simply grateful she had kept her voice down. He didn’t want Swift or Allure hear them fight, but these days it was almost impossible for their children not to.
 
“No,” he agreed, perturbed by her reference. “I thought you’d want to rest with them.” He paused, studying her, feeling himself closing off from the reaction. It was all so exhausting.. the constant fighting.. “Given we haven’t spoken in weeks, I thought I would give you space but be close if needed.”

*sound of karm's heart breaking!*

Oh, exasperating man! Scimitar gave her absolutely nothing to use as ammunition - a calculated move on his part, no doubt. Bazi took a few moments to calm her instinct to shout, inhaling deeply through the grotesque but.. quite convenient gap above her top left canine. It made a satisfying, condemning little hiss when she breathed, and the sound of it made her feel superior. "Why.. why is that, exactly?" she queried, her face still tight with emotion, but she was managing to keep it reined in. [b]"Why aren't we .. working?"[b] The last part was delivered with a whisper and a fretful look at the children; Bazi was selfish, but not dumb. Swift and Allure did not need the demise of their parents' love hanging over their heads alongside everything else.

D: You never know what will haaaaaappen.

He did not look to the gap above her canine – could not bring himself to see the visual of his failure. How did a pack, absolutely scouring every inch of the Grove to claim it, not find the bears before? It did not make an inch of sense to the wolf, and it certainly felt as if the moment they had let their guard down in Rising Sun Valley, it had flipped them the middle finger and sent them a little reminder of what life was like here.
 
Instead, his eyes fell to study her shoulder, contemplating his words carefully. “I don’t know,” he finally answered, refraining from accusing her of attacking him verbally and even physically now every time they seen one another. Doing so wouldn’t stop the merry-go-round they were both on.
 
“But I’m tired. And our children need us now at our best more than ever.”

But the process is so saaad!

On this they could agree. Bazi swallowed, diverting her own gaze so that neither Frostfur was looking directly at the other. Her heart ached to see the raw holes in her son's head - the sight of them was already scratching the colour of his eyes from hey memory. Aquamarine, right? Like Scimitar.

"And when they grow up?" she probed. Would they just continue living together, in the same pack? Kaskara and Kieran were family to them both, and Swift would always need someone to look after him.

The weight of their conversation suddenly made him feel very heavy. His chest seared at the very real knowledge that this might be it for both of them – and he was not relieved like he had originally thought, when he had been stewing in his anger for weeks.
 
Sitting down, he watched her, hesitant about her calm. He had not seen her so in awhile now – not since even before their evacuation from Nova Peak. “Where do you see yourself when that happens?” It was a genuine question – did she see herself with him? Because if he thought about it – it felt like the day she had stopped loving him had been the day at the lake, when he had uttered his last ‘I love you’ to her.. and she had turned from him without responding. And he had been less than devoted.. both of them were to blame for the entirety of this -- but what did that mean for them now?

Scimitar passed the conversational buck. As a human, he could have put his skill at reflecting questions to good use as a psychiatrist. Bazi's gazed stayed on the children, soft and watery with the weight of exhaustion and a potent cocktail of conflicting emotions. She was silent for almost a full minute.

"Here," she admitted, looking a little frustrated by her own answer. "Here, with you, waiting to have our second litter." Bazi stole a quick glance in Scimitar's direction, wearing her confusion and defeat like a backpack full of rocks - his evasive way with words had rubbed off on his mate. But what she said had been true — she couldn't imagine any other future, however unlikely it seemed now.

He was perplexed by her response-- it was not at all what he would have expected, and given her reaction to him for months, he almost wondered if she truly meant it. "I can't do this, Bazi," he spoke then, his tone weary, but serious. His eyes remained riveted upon her, a frown furrowing at his brows. "You've recoiled from my touch since before the Nova Peak fire. I tell you I love you and I'm met with silence." He shook his head then, withholding a sardonic snort. "I'm not doing this anymore. I can't just be here for you when you one day decide it's convenient for you once more. That's not what I'm looking for in a mateship."
 
He stood, pushing himself closer to her, forcing himself in to her space. This was not a gentle discussion, and would not be treated as such. "If you want to be together -- let's be together. But I'm not doing this back and forth bullshit any longer." If she wanted to work at it -- he sure as hell would. He would try to love her again.. for the sake of her, and for his children. But this was the final straw -- this was the moment of decision.

Bazi could not remember spurning his declaration of love. She could not remember why they were fighting, or when it had started, but vaguely recalled a dark patch surrounding Danica's death - and the secret grief that followed. The golden ghost's clever face swam into view, but guilt blurred the edges just as quickly. Bazi gave a sharp shake of her head to dispel the image,  and looked up to find Scimitar mere inches away from her face. Her heart reared up and touched the top of her throat. Fear gripped at her insides.

"I want to be together," she rushed to say, voice meek and shoulders held up by her ears - like a dog being scolded. Seconds passed, and Bazi took the opportunity to clear her throat and fasten both eyes on Scimitar's stern face, holding the look for as long as she dared. "I want to be a Frostfur, and I want to be together." Now, here, so close to the edge, she could not imagine another life. Her brief flirtation with a different path seemed ridiculous now, and so petty — what could be gained from starting over? She was not the same straggler that had woken up in the Teekon Wilds some 18 months ago. 

Bazi swallowed, gazing imploringly up at her mate. For once, she had no smart words lined up. ".. there's a river. It needs a name. I think we.. we should visit it." If they were going to mend their relationship, they would have to play at normal for a while.

She wanted to stay together – and to solidify this, she wanted to go look at the river and perhaps give it a name. He felt exhaustion pull at him – knowing that while she wanted to move on as if nothing had happened, he wasn’t even sure his feelings for her were the same.
 
He swallowed his words. He held back anything that would seep past his lips that would further the two from one another. He forced a nod, his eyes dull as they swept over her. “Lead the way,” he spoke, the fight pushing away from him as if he were no more than an empty shell. He pulled back, waiting for her to go forward – his eyes were rapt upon her, but his features indistinguishable.
 
Maybe Scimitar was no more than a dead man walking, now.