Blacktail Deer Plateau My shadow falls against the wall

ooc: @Saena - I will keep the things that happen in threads with Blue Willow, Lasher and Dante vague, but you can assume that Saena already knows/has realized the fact herself that Osprey is with children.

Osprey had lost the track of time - days went by - each one of them like the other. The confusion and fear were her constant companions, making her unhappy and miserable. She did her best to stay away from the rest of the pack, do things to keep herself busy, to keep her mind away from returning to the thoughts of what would hapeen after these few weeks would be gone, when the kids would be about to be born.

She wished with all her heart that there was a tiny bit of happiness she had seen in Blue during her pregnancy. A bit of curious wondering and keen expecatation to see the little ones in this world. To have this sense of safety and knowing that everything would be alright. But there was none. She was terrified, she could not see these little beings that were said to grow inside her as living, feeling, thinking creatures.

She feared them, she didn't want them and every time she felt the tiny and light movements within, she was on verge of crying in despair. If there had been a way of telling them that this was not the world she wanted to bring them in, that there was nothing but lifelong suffering awaiting them here, she would have. And maybe they would listen and they would stop existing...

But she could not, whatever had begun weeks ago went on. There she was on the brink of the plateau's borders, lying on her belly and staring in the distance, tears soaking the fur on her cheeks wet.

By some undetermined method, Saena learned of her aunt's plight. When first she heard about it, the dappled female was shocked and disbelieving. It didn't seem like something Osprey was capable of, even being the completely irresponsible wolf that Saena thought she was. Yet surely the woman was capable of it, and Saena felt fury over that build up in her chest until she was convinced it was her that Osprey had scorned. She wasn't the Alpha female she wanted to be, but she had spoken with Osprey about that desire, and felt her anger was justified even when it wasn't.

When she stumbled upon the silver Redleaf-DiSarinno, therefore, it was all she could do not to vent her frustration with a physical reprimand. This was what her rank challenge sought to prevent, and Osprey had done it anyway, and now her pregnancy threatened Blue Willow's children. Even as Saena prowled closer to Osprey, she decided that not one scrap of meat that she had contributed to the pack would go to the Gamma or her puppies.

Still, before declaring any of this, the Gamekeeper stopped nearby and said, "are they Dante's?" She thought she already knew based on what she'd learned, but it was a dangerous assumption to make. She had to be sure before making Osprey feel like shit that the puppies did not belong to the pack's leadership in any way.

At the back of her mind Osprey had known that her unfortunate situation would not go by unnoticed and would probably be a cause of a turmoil in the pack. She had feared her own fate just as much as she feared the future of the friendships she had acquaired here. Blue willow and Dante were two people she could call as her first true friends outside the Flightless falcons and now - in a way - she felt she had failed them, let them down. They might not show it... but Osprey thought she knew... that somewhere deep inside they felt it. Disappointment at least.

Somehow she had entirely forgotten about Saena, even though their relationship was famous for being rocky and difficult. They had reached some sort of mutual understanding the last time, but now - as the girl appeared seemingly out of nowhere, asking a simple question that had more hidden meaning than it let it show, Osprey knew that their agreement to try to be friends was over. Yet she had cried out the amount of tears for one day, therefore she regarded the girl with a defeated and weary look, feeling no need to defend herself or lie to save her skin. The truth was obvious regardless.

"No," she replied and looked away. Would she feel any different, if they were? Maybe, maybe not.

No, Osprey answered. Saena kind of figured as much. After all, it wasn't like Dante was clamouring to get some when Osprey was pretty clearly sucking up to him the day of the challenge. The yearling grit her teeth, fighting off the flushed feeling of barely concealed anger. It wasn't right for her to feel that way, since Blacktail Deer Plateau wasn't (and never would be, she was slowly realizing) her pack to rule. Nevertheless, the fact that her aunt still stood within their borders was something Saena would never have agreed to if she was a leader.

It was for the best for all of them that she wasn't.

"Why would you do that?" she blurted out, unable to stop herself. She'd told Osprey off for preaching to her once before, and somewhat expected the same in return, but the hypocrite in her insisted that this situation was much different. This involved a broken law of the wild which, sadly, wasn't really being treated like a law (but nevertheless was one). "Does this pack not mean anything to you? Why would you break a law?"

Why would you do that? Osprey didn't reply right away. She turned her gaze away from Saena and stared in the distance. Thinking... considering... During her encounter with Dante she had come to terms with, what had driven her actions weeks ago. Lonliness. Had there been a bit cliche to this too? Do something just because other people did/had done it? Maybe. The status of a black sheep among the white ones had never bothered her much, she had even considered it something unique. Yet there was a part of her that wanted to be just like everyone else. While she made up stories of imagined lives, there were people out there that were living it. Having their love story, their happy endings and beginnings, their dramas. It was hard to put in words - these conflicting emotions - even harder to explain to someone like Saena, who wanted direct answers, who thought that there was only two ways of living - the right and wrong - no path inbetween.

Does this pack not mean anything to you? Why would you break a law? Had she given one thought about her pack, when she had ventured off during her days of heat? No. The pack didn't provide her with everything she needed. There were friends, but was there a family for Osprey? She had lived here for more than a year, built her life from point zero, following the pattern she had learned back at Flightless falcons. Life was not bad, but it didn't feel the same either. She was a good packmate - friendly, helpful, cheerful, contributed to the greater good for them all, she gave her share in helping to raise Blue Willow's children, yet the point of, why she was doing all of this, was missing. "Probably not enough not to break a law," Osprey shrugged, still not looking at Saena. Whatever she would have said would not reach her niece's ears. The girl would stick to her only truth.

It took Osprey a little while to respond, and when she did, it wasn't the answer Saena expected. She expected her aunt to make a fuss about it being her business, or to claim that she did care about the pack and had made a dumb mistake. She half-expected the grey-haired woman to stand and yell at her. Osprey did none of these things. Instead, she sort of agreed.

Puzzled, Saena genuinely wondered, "then why are you still here if you don't care anyway? Why didn't you just go with dad?" This was a mystery Saena couldn't possibly guess at. If Osprey truly felt her pack didn't matter enough to follow wolf laws for, then what kept her tethered to the plateau? It couldn't be friends, Saena thought cruelly; Osprey's friends were the ones she had directly defied, so the younger Blacktail didn't imagine it had anything to do with them, even though this assumption was probably wrong.

Yeah, why hadn't Osprey gone with the dad? Should have been so easy to start a new life elsewhere and have children in that picture perfect family photo she had in mind. Now that she was more with herself she had time to wander the lanes of her memory and recall the encounter. The male had been quite handsome and very charming. She, on the other hand, had been desperate and they probably had got together for very different reasons. That momentary flame of mutual affection had disappeared imediately after their paths had parted. Osprey felt no longing for him, no desire to see him again. Had she known that at this moment he was boasting to his best friend about "messing with a girl" she would have felt nothing but contempt.

"I considered leaving," she replied and looked up briefly at the girl, "but Dante asked me to stay." Frankly speaking, it would have been a lot easier, if her friends had hated her for her actions just a little bit. But they had not, therefore running away seemed more like a betrayal than staying here and be a constant reminder of a broken rule and unresolved business. "This is my home and I have nowhere else to go," hard as it was lately to be here, she still liked this place a great deal. The forest, the secret paths and locations, the inhabitants - both real and imaginary ones - everything was dear. At her age she did not wish to be uprooted again, didn't wish to start from nothing.

Dante asked me to stay. Scathing words cut across her brain when Osprey told her this. It was no secret at all that Dante was friends with Osprey, but surely the Alpha male wasn't such a pacifist that he would allow someone to stomp on his authority? Saena knew he wasn't. If he was, then her sister would still be here, too. She could never forget that, the last time Dante had felt undermined, he'd sentenced Junior to life in the lowest ranks for an uncertain length of time. It was hard for her to imagine that that same man would ask another wolf who undermined him to stay. She felt the crime was far worse, and yet here Osprey stood, seemingly unscathed but for the pregnancy. Seemingly unpunished.

For all these thoughts and conflicts going on in her head, for all her desire to lash out at her irresponsible relative and doom her to a life of misery for her poor choices, Saena was speechless, because the problem wasn't really Osprey. The woman had made an impulsive, stupid decision, but how was anyone to learn when the pack was so accommodating of every mistake, no matter how large? When finally she was able to say something, it was quiet and gentle, like the calm before a storm, although really there was no storm coming, at least not directed at Osprey: "you're lucky they're pushovers."

"I guess I am," Osprey agreed, knowing that in any other place she would probably be exiled by now, shunned for her sins, stripped of the rank, rights and privileges. They had done no such thing, believing that her own misery was a punishment enough. Yet... giving no guarantees about the future either. They had shown interest and willingness to help, to deal with it like a family would, but she had rejected them. Because of her fear, her depression, her uncertainty of, where she stood in this matter. In the end - what was that she wanted to have in life? Everyone seemed to have some sort of goals and dreams. It was time for het to make a decision too, because it was very clear now that she could not live the same way as she had before.

Therefore - as odd as it might sound - she found that Saena's honesty about the situation was refreshing and relieving. The girl did not overlook the fact that she had broken a law, didn't try to make things right, when they were not. It was a good thing. In a way. "Thanks for being honest," Osprey broke the silence after it had lasted for a while. It occurred to her then that Saena's first birthday was not that far away either. Being the disowned family member, she did not think that it was her place to congratulate the girl for the upcoming big event. It would not be taken well. "You will be a yearling soon. Do you have any plans, where... where to go from there?" did she still want to become an alpha here or the life at the plateau kept proving over and over again that she had to take her own path.

The last thing Saena was expecting was for her blood aunt to thank her, so when it came, her hard eyes softened just a little. There was no doubt that Saena wanted nothing at all to do with Osprey's unborn children, but aside from that, she couldn't really fault the other for much. She was more troubled by the knowledge that the leadership allowed it to happen and persist. It was the first chink in her belief that the plateau was the most stable pack in the wilds.

The realization that this might not be the case stunned her completely.

"I," she spluttered, unsure how to answer Osprey's question. A moment ago, she would've readily said she was staying, that she would never leave. She could make her way to the top of the pack and prove everyone wrong about her, particularly Koda, whose recent comments still rang loud in her head. But just thinking about leading alongside wolves she'd just called a bunch of pushovers... Saena began to doubt whether that was something she wanted. She had fiery passion and ambition and, like her adoptive father and great grandmother, she didn't tolerate other peoples' shit very well. Would she be able to put aside her beliefs for the way that Dante, Blue Willow and Lasher handled their pack?

"I'm not really sure," she admitted quietly.

Osprey sometimes was a being that let emotions take over and quite often she had said a lot of things that she had regretted later. The balance of keeping things good with other people, even those, who were your friends, was very fragile. You always had to watch, how far you could go, how much you could say, and keep that friendship alive and well at the same time. Learning to collect oneself in moments of stress and agitation, especially anger was a life-long skill. Therefore she doubted that any of the leaders would hold it against Saena for calling them "pushovers", because... in  way they were and she was right. On the other hand there was the girl's youth speaking.

Weeks ago she had been sure that she would want to be an alpha of the plateau. Now - as she replied - her voice lacked that confidence. She was in doubt. Whether it was Osprey's fault (for being reckless and not really trying to live up to girl's expectation of, what this adult had to be) or a because of a lot of other things too. "Well... that opens doors to a lot of opportunities," she said, trying to find the most neutral way and not sound like a preaching know-it-all. "What makes you doubt?"

Osprey had a point. Although the two had their differences, Saena appreciated her aunt's willingness to explore her opportunities, even if none of them came to fruition. For the most part, she was still certain she wanted to live out her days on the plateau and stand at its head like her parents had before her, but now it was more complicated. It wasn't a matter of rising and getting the respect she felt she deserved. Koda had recently proven that, no matter how hard she worked and how high she climbed in the ranks, she wasn't going to get respect from some of them. It hurt to think about, but more than anything, it made her hesitant to try; did she really want to spend the rest of her days forcing his head into the dirt just to get some respect out of him?

There was also the matter of Osprey, which Saena didn't feel all too ashamed about admitting to when she said, "no offence, and don't take this the wrong way, but if I was an Alpha here, you'd be out on your arse." She said this frankly—it was completely genuine. She was certain that her father would do the same in this situation, although the ironic reality was that Saena's views paralleled her father's mate's far more than his own. "But I'm also pretty tired of being put down by Koda all the time for being a hunter," all two times, that is, "and I don't think proving myself as a leader would change that. I'd end up doing something rash to him."

"Maybe I just wouldn't mesh well with Dante and them," she mused aloud, "I guess I just prefer order and law to their gentle way of doing things." None of this was in any way meant to insult Osprey, for Saena knew the woman was free-spirited and probably would handle things just as gently as her friends, but Saena was her (real) mother's daughter. She was selfish to an extent, and ambitious, and more unwilling to compromise on those things the older she got.

Osprey took no offence for Saena admitting that she would have kicked her aunt out of the pack long time ago. She was conflicted about this herself too - between, what was right according the unwritten rule, and how glad she was that the three leaders had made an exception and had not forced her to leave. She was aware that her actions did not affect her alone, but a lot of people too, that the storm that was raging was not going to cease with the birth of her children. There would be long lasting consequences, the only question was - what would be the actual scale of the damage done.

It was a bit of news to her that Koda was at odds with Saena. From the brief meetings they had had she recalled him as a little old-fashioned in his views about the woman's place in the society, but he had not outright told her anything that would upset her. Maybe he had, but she had not noticed. He had seemed as a decent guy, who was worried about his mate picking up a potentially dangerous trade. Then again she had not met him and spoken with him in person now. If, what her niece told her was true, then he would probably have an opinion about Osprey going against the rules too.

Then something occurred to her and she smiled, thinking, how odd it was that people, who were alike, could not get along. She and Saena were both headstrong, proud and with their own beliefs about the world. Koda and Saena both preferred law and order. The only thing that drew them apart was that those laws and views were different. It was quiet for a bit, while Osprey found the exact words she wanted to tell the girl. She sensed that this probably was going to be their last meeting and, even though she had never particularly liked the girl, she wanted to give her something that could help her later on.

"I know that you don't like preaching and - please - don't take this advice as such," she began not wanting her to stomp her feet and run away without listening to the end, "but when you become the leader of your own pack, remember that while order and law are good things, you have to lead with your heart too. The people that will choose to follow you will be your family and - as you have already learned - getting on with family members or packmates is not always easy and they rarely are, what you expect them to be." She didn't imply that she belonged to Saena's family. "Try to find the balance between what is right according to the law and what your heart tells you to do."

ooc: post 1000! :)

As Saena watched, a smile found its way to Osprey's lips seemingly out of nowhere. The pregnant female had very little to smile about as far as the younger Blacktail was concerned. Her life would forever be plagued by the products of her mistake, loveless puppies. She wanted to feel sorry for them, but couldn't. They didn't exist yet, and when they did, they would be loved even though they hardly deserved to be. Unlike most wolves, Saena could not separate blame away from the innocent. By their birth, they were guilty of a crime. They deserved no less than to live in shame of their mother's choice and of themselves each and every day.

She pushed her thoughts aside, feeling only a little guilty for them, and listened to Osprey's advice instead. Osprey surprised her by supplying some very good advice, nothing like her previous insistence on what Saena must do or must feel, but good, sound advice. She fanned back her red ears, almost feeling sorry for the way she'd treated her aunt, but she wasn't able to vocalize it.

Instead, she quietly said, "thanks, Aunt Osprey," extending a very subtle and very brief invitation to her relative to rejoin Saena's small circle of family. The pups would never be, of course, but forgiveness came more easily now than it ever had. Without saying much more on the subject for fear of retracting her own words, Saena lightly cleared her throat and said, "I'll keep that in mind. I think even if I went for straight law and order, my heart would find its way there, somehow. You know I'm not great at hiding my emotions."

Osprey could not decide, which was better - explosive burst of emotions or keeping them back and letting them accumulate over time. In the first instance - the storm raged and it passed, everything was good in the end. As for the second... it began to "eat" you from inside. It was only a recent discovery and surprise at how very good the gray she-wolf was at hiding emotions. Especially those that ran very deep and affected a lot of what she did and what kind of decisions she made in life. Superficial ones - such as disappointment, hurt pride, sadness - were easier to handle and let go.


"Do you think that one should better hide them than let others see them?" she asked, feeling curious about the way the girl's mind worked. "Though letting someone in one's heart is an important deal... not all are worth... the honor..." she was musing aloud and while saying this part she turned her gaze to stare in the distance and appearing to be deep in thought. Then she recalled that she was not on her own and that the time she would get to spend with the girl was limited, therefore she decided to ask another question. "If you are leaving - is Pura joining you?" from what she had learned from her observations, the two siblings were pretty close.

"I think there's a place for both," Saena shared, feeling oddly lightened about discussing this with Osprey. It was nice not to feel animosity, even if the woman's wider abdomen was a source of unease for Saena and surely the rest of the pack. There was the chance that, following what her aunt said, Saena wouldn't be around long enough for it to matter. In the meantime, she could put her temper and attitude aside for a little while; there was really nothing to gain from it, she realized.

"I think being led by your emotions is a bad thing if you are making decisions," Saena said, feeling empowered by her own usual pragmatic outlook (without realizing that she was, in fact, more emotional than she believed), "but beneficial otherwise. I guess it depends on the situation. Maybe some decisions are better made that way." The older she got, the more she would learn to keep her own emotions tempered. It was very possible that Saena would turn out more like Osprey than either of them could anticipate, and that eventually, she would be a master at hiding her emotions as well. Not for a while, though. Youth still governed her.

"If I go," Saena emphasized, "then I won't force Pura to come. The decision is his. I think he'd prefer to stay." Truthfully, Saena didn't know what her brother would actually prefer. Secretly she would prefer that he stayed. His living on the fringe of pack life, scarcely interacting or showing his face, worked for him here. It wouldn't work in a pack that Saena led, and she would be loathe to try to change him or otherwise penalize him for his odd behaviour. It would be difficult enough if she stuck with her dream of leading the plateau to coax him back into the folds of life, and more difficult still to discourage hiding away. She needn't do it in a new environment.

"That's true," Osprey agreed, though, if she was given a chance to lead, she could not imagine a situation, where she would be able make a decision based on rational assumptions only, but you never knew. Besides leading was not about dealing with things alone, it was a teamwork and the voice of alpha counted just as much as those of it's subordinates.

Even though Osprey didn't know Pura too well personally, she had an impression that it would never be easy to find him a fitting place in any pack. He was a ghost cat at the plateau, appearing and showing himself only, when he wished so, and keeping to himself most of the time. From their brief encounter she had learned that in a similar way of her, the boy lived in his own little world. Maybe too much - and if a daydreamer like her came to this conclusion, then there was something not entirely right.

Not knowing, what more to say or whether this conversation was meant to continue, she decided that, though she and Saena had never been close, she could give a blessing at least. "Well... I wish you to find, what you are looking for and be happy," not the most elaborate thing she had ever come up with, but sometimes the simplest words and terms expressed the thought more clearly. It had not been easy to feel sincerety to the girl before, yet she wished her well.

Saena had come into this encounter expecting to inform Osprey that she was welcome to none of the Gamekeeper's hard won meat, her ill intentions were whisked away by her aunt's encouraging words. It was hard to be that cruel in the first place, let along on the coattails of well wishes. She licked her jowls, uncertain what to say other than, "thank you." Part of her wanted to return the sentiment, but she knew Osprey's life was about to get a whole lot harder. The woman's usual freedom would be a fraction of what it was now.

Although she knew that was a punishment in and of itself, Saena wasn't satisfied that it was enough. It wasn't her place to point that out, though, at least not to the woman in question.

"I hope things turn out all right for you, too," she said in the end, feeling it was the best way to word her sentiment. She didn't imagine Osprey could or would be happy after the birth of her litter. She didn't think Osprey would be happy to learn that Saena still intended to bring her issues to Dante. But she did think Osprey would be okay, if miserable, eventually. "I should get going, I want to get some hunting in before dark," Saena said, dismissing herself with an awkward parting statement of, "hope you feel better."

I hope things turn out all right for you, too. When Osprey heard this she looked up at Saena in mild disbelief, which then turned into a shadow of a smile, as a sign of appreciation for the kind words. Probably the first she had ever heard from the girl. It felt in a way that they had come to a some sort of reconciliation, which meant that they were not parting on bad terms. That they were even, neutral, all hard feelings harboured for each other before whisked away.

"Good luck," she told, watching the girl, until she disappeared from her sight. After making herself more comfortable, she rested her head on her outstretched paws and sighed. It had been a long day and sleep felt a lot better option in comparison to a prolonged misery and unhappines.