Swiftcurrent Creek Say something, I'm giving up on you.

For @Scimitar

It took several days to complete the trip to Swiftcurrent Creek, and fear that her former mate would send messengers to retrieve her kept her from resting for too long. Shadow had been a loving, doting partner to her when they were alone together; what worried her was how quickly he could snap when someone went behind his back to wrong him. Paarthurnax had done just that. Instead of going to him with her issues, the need to be broken free of her troubles had forced her away without even a hint of her decision.

It was this that she felt great guilt for. She had loved him fiercely, defended him no matter Scimitar or Bazi's concerns, but in the end they'd been right. Shadow had hurt her in ways he might not know, and with her father's recent visit to press her into returning to Samarkand with him, she was tired of not having the space and freedom that she desired. Someone always seemed to want something of her; she was either too soft, or too cowardly, or simply not good enough. It was in Swiftcurrent Creek that Paarthurnax had truly felt like she belonged, so it was to there that she returned.

But not without a heavy heart. It felt wrong to keep her secret pregnancy from Shadow, who had as much right to their pups as she did. And to bring her unborn family right to Scimitar's doorstep despite having left the Creek months ago in favour of a life with Shadow, it was a great concern. And what of their previous, awkward encounter? Could he forgive her? Nervous, exhausted and drained completely, the bi-coloured Frostfur slumped heavily to the ground when she was mere feet from a fresh line of scent marks, and canted her muzzle skyward to request the presence of her former comrade before lowering her crown to prop her pale chin atop an outstretched forelimb.

It was a quiet morning -- his eyes skimmed over the dead leaves that littered the grounds now, with only a spare few still clinging to the bare trees. Only weeks before they had been brilliant in color -- autumn was a season e usually felt great comfort in, despite the need to prepare for winter. His last few months had slipped past him however without much memory of what had transpired. Bazi was over a month now in her disappearance, and he had waited for the shape of the moon she had promised to return by.

And when it had passed, and still no sign of his pristine lover, he had pulled in to himself even more. Kaskara had taken Falwasi and Kieran on to a scouting mission to Duskfire Glacier, and he currently awaited word. For now, he could only speculate.. and every scenario he did so, was never a flattering nor happy one.

He stiffened when a familiar song echoed in to the air. Paarthurnax. Their latest encounter had revealed to him how far over the line he could step, and guilt flooded him as he recalled her soft fur beneath the ministrations of his muzzle -- how far he would have tried to push it had she not straightened him up. He had been a sinking ship when she had last seen him.. and he had thought then he had ruined their friendship forever.

So what was it she wanted now?

With the nervousness that besotted a man who had done wrong unto another, Scimitar went to her summon, albeit reluctantly. He was within her presence within moments, never being too far from the borders, and his eyes swept over her fatigued form with concern. "Paarthurnax," he greeted, using her full name rather her nickname, simply for formality sake. His figure straightened as he regarded her, but he did not make move to close the distance between them -- he had burned that bridge already.

The breakdown of Paarthurnax and Shadow's relationship had been the fault of neither, but the crimson Frostfur could not shake the crippling feeling that she'd ultimately been the reason for its demise. She'd kept her feelings bottled up, locked away in a heart that had struggled from the start to let him in, unwilling to share. Paar had always been a delicate creature, tender and sensitive, too afraid to speak her mind for fear of upsetting those she cared for. It was her gentle nature that drove her away in the end. She supposed Shadow might blame himself too, much as Paarthurnax now did, but she hoped with all that she was that they would both recover swiftly and move on with their lives.

She had to, and it was the stirring of new life in her swelling abdomen that spurred her to hold onto that hope. Her unborn litter had been kept secret from their father for a variety of reasons: it was too soon to be considered truly successful, for it was common for newly conceived pups to perish in early days; they were too distracted by the goings-on in their lives; she was afraid he didn't want them. They'd discussed children briefly, shared thoughts and ideas and names to consider, but Paar was always certain that she could detect an aura uncertainty around her partner. A mystery he would always remain, but now he was no longer her mystery.

The appearance of a familiar face and the sore reminder of their previous, awkward encounter caused Paar's heart to skip an unpleasant beat, but she rose her head to look upon his expressionless features with tired copper eyes. "You were right," she mustered, forcing away the fear that he would resent her for her previous rejection and dragging herself onto shaky limbs and letting her crown hang in defeat. "It was not meant to be."

He hadn't expected this defeat from her -- and his heart clenched with a silent fury as she spoke. Shadow had done something to push her away -- Scimitar had always thought the silver male completely undeserving of her.. but he had also held on to the hope that the arrogant fool would have realized that, and in turn, done everything in his power to be the man that Paarthurnax deserved.

But was not so black and white as to simply blanket her in the warmth of the Creek. He gave a small nod, not willing to truly delve in to the personal side of her life.. but for the best of the pack, he would need details. "Will he come looking for you here? And will he harm any of the Creek members?" Thus far, Shadow had pissed off more than enough of them -- Kaskara, Galileo, Falwasi, Dovev.. himself included. If he requested it, he held no doubt the wolves of the Creek would risk themselves to defend Paarthurnax. But what danger did that put them in?

"And how many are his defenses?" His wind whirred with the possibility of battle - he truly hoped it would not come to that. He was built for such things.. had been raised by such possibilities from Rapier. But that did not mean he wished harm unto his pack.

But nor could he turn her away.

When Scimitar questioned Shadow's mind, and asked after the strength of his ranks, Paarthurnax let her overwhelming emotion slip through the cracks. She could not promise that her former mate would seek her out, and she'd been so disconnected from the pack that she could not answer his query of defense with confidence. "I do not know," she answered, her voice heavy with grief and her heart sinking. "I don't know if he would be too proud to come after me, o-or if he would send someone else." Paar looked away, down at her muddied white paws, as tears pricked her eyes and trailed the length of her ivory cheeks. "There are maybe seven or eight adults, they... but most of them were dear to me."

A sob racked her lithe form then, as she thought painfully of the slate wolfess she'd found a firm friend in. In the beginning Paar had felt threatened by her beauty, but Crëyr had proven nothing but kind and gentle. She'd have been more than willing to lend shoulder to lean on as well as a sympathetic ear, but given her loyalty to Shadow, Paarthurnax' simply couldn't trust her to keep quiet. Crëyr's company would be sorely missed, and a part of her wondered if perhaps the ashen outrider might seek comfort in her embrace as abandoned lovers often did - but it did not worry her. Shadow was free to pursue whoever he wished, now that he was free of his bonds.

"There's more," she said, almost a whisper, as he lifted her solemn copper gaze to seek the aquamarine of Scimitar's own. "I'm pregnant. And I have not told him."

The tears that trickled down her cheeks was enough to cause his jaw to stiffen, his anger flaring even more so, which could only be seen in the tensing of his shoulders and the flash within his bright eyes. Still, he would not move to comfort her, knowing his touch not only unwarranted, but unwelcome. He did not question what happened -- she was being honest in her answers, and he would not tear open the emotional wound any further. He knew all about the pain of love.

"My offer still stands. Swiftcurrent Creek will always be a home to you," he offered, and while he debated on what to do -- should he call for Falwasi to comfort her? He did not believe she would want male companionship at the moment -- he hesitated as she spoke next, freezing as if a bomb had been dropped.

Figuratively, it had. Any revenge Shadow would play upon his mate or the wolves who harbored her could be tenfold with children involved. Moments passed, and he stared openly at her, his teeth delving in to his tongue as he bit it -- the blood that pooled in his mouth now only drawing him from this contemplation. "That does not change anything," he finally said, softly. Though it changed everything. "But Paar.. you must know that this pack will do anything to protect itself. To protect you." He shifted his weight then, his brows furrowing. "You know what that could mean, right?" If Shadow craved blood.. he would be met with a formidable opponent.

He welcomed her, offering her a position once more within Swiftcurrent's ranks despite the trouble that could easily follow her. But it was when he gawked at her, jaw tightened and appearing somewhat lost in his thoughts, that Paarthurnax worried her companion might take it all back. She knew herself that it was absurd to house pups that were not born of loyal, devoted pack-mates or leaders themselves. Her brood were sired by their enemy, by the Alpha of a fierce Roman pack that might seek to reclaim its heirs upon their discovery. Grief tightened its grip around her throat and, whining softly, curled her feathery tail about a trembling hock.

Scimitar spoke then, a deep rumble that caused Paar to wince first and then slacken. That does not change anything, he told her confidently, causing her to promptly train her glassy copper gaze on him once more, surprise evident in her features as she let her muscles relax noticeably. "Yes. But I left willingly, and promptly," she murmured when he'd finished, her head bowed once again, as she turned her thoughts to the night of her departure. "I hope he understands that it means I do not wish to be found." She understood that Swiftcurrent Creek's would fight tooth and claw to defend what was theirs and, as it stood, Paarthurnax was a part of them once again.

But was she worth defending, what with the baggage of unborn pups that would very likely cause her to use up valuable resources?

She seemed to realize what it meant -- but whether or not she would accept it if the time arose would be another question. With a light nod, his eyes fell hauntingly to the sides of her belly, knowing soon she would begin to show. A pack meeting would need to be held soon, if only to inform the others to be wary.. and to keep the borders extra secured.

"Welcome home, Paar," he offered then, his voice soft as he fell to using her old nickname. He swallowed thickly then, his eyes lifting to study her features. "Do you want me to call for someone to keep you company? Galileo, perhaps?" He wasn't sure if she wanted to be alone or not -- so he would leave the option to her.

While she did not think her former mate capable of causing her bodily harm, Paarthurnax clung to the recollection of his lifestyle. Shadow was a man who'd held wolves hostage, against their will, dubbed them "slaves" and stripped them of any pride they might have previously felt. Paar avoided them to the best of her ability, but it was her chance encounter with the pale-furred Enya that roused very real resentment for Shadow. Even after she'd informed him of her brother Sahrotaar's plans to sell her away to a neighbouring clan, still the sterling outrider saw fit to use women for whatever reason he saw fit.

It had outraged her, and had known then that she could not live in Noctisardor Bypass if that was simply "the way things were". Paarthurnax did not wish for her sons to grow up in a place where they thought treating others so cruelly was right.

"No, I just..." she trailed off then, stepping forward almost tentatively, her heart sinking with the realisation that Scimitar had not offered to summon Bazi. "Bazi? She's not... she did not return?" The two-toned female pricked her velvet red ears, keen for her suspicions to be proven wrong.

Her expectation of the ivory queen was not unthinkable, and yet as she spoke the name, he felt his heart twinge at the realization of this. The very real scenario that indeed, Bazi had left him.. She had not come home after she had said she would.

"No," he stated simply, feeling the hollowness of his words echo through him. "My sister, Kaskara, has taken a small party to Duskfire Glacier to.. check in." Of course, it had taken everything in him to not march up there himself and demand to see her. To tell her off for everything she had done.. And then to hold her, and beg her to come home..

But now he was not sure this was her home anymore, and he could not seem to imagine what the news could be that the Creek scouts would bring back.

To hear that Bazi had failed to return to Swiftcurrent pained the crimson Frostfur, who whimpered pitifully in response. She did not beleive that her friend would outright abandon the Creek; a very real possibility was that something bad had happened to her, postponing or even entirely preventing her homecoming.

If her physical state was not so restricting, Paarthurnax would have offered then and there to scout further afield in search of any signs, but the reminder of her unborn pups kept her silent. She loved Bazi fiercely, but she could not sacrifice her litter by going on a chase and potentially into a dangerous situation.

"I'm sorry," Paar whispered, struggling to keep herself from breaking down. Sorry for his huge loss, for her unexpected arrival, for the burden she'd brought with her.

It was the unspoken that caused him to shift – the simple assumption that Bazi had hurt herself. That she was not returning because of some physical ailment – or worse, because she was no longer of this earth. He could not bring himself to speak it, nor truly think it. It was much easier to believe she had simply left them behind without a second glance.

“Don’t be. She made her choice,” he offered, trying to cut off the emotion from his voice as he straightened. But that was not his current concern – it couldn’t be, for Kaskara was not back yet with word or details, and so he had to focus on something now. Something tangible.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” It was a light question, his tail sweeping through the air as he cleared his throat, stabilizing himself once more. He pushed all thoughts of the white dove from his mind, and instead, waited to see what Paarthurnax requested of him – she had traveled far, he imagined, and had already hit her own emotional capacity.

Finish up in the next couple of posts?

His words were blunt and to-the-point, and Paarthurnax regarded her friend with glassy copper eyes as she blinked up at him in disbelief. She very much doubted that Bazi had stayed away willingly from the place and wolves she had come to love; it pained her to see that Scimitar had already given up on her. With a sad frown, the crimson beauty ducked her head and pressed her ears back against the sleek russet fur of her nape, too exhausted and emotionally drained to press the topic further.

Scimitar moved on from the sensitive subject of his missing intended, asking gently if there was anything that he could do for her. "Could you... walk with me?" Paar responded, her soft voice tainted by the weight of her sorrow; "just to my den, so I can rest." Assuming it's still there. She'd left her cache of dried herbs and medicines on her departure, figuring that it was the least she could provide considering they had lost their medic. But now that Paar had returned, she wished to resume her position as healer as soon as she was better rested, and it was very likely that her old stores would require maintenance.

Sounds good. :)

He could not read her mind, but as she blinked up at him with coppery eyes, he could only imagine what she thought of him. He recalled suddenly the overwhelming scent of her from the day he had attempted to.. to what? To use her. Sickened at the memory, he took another step back, swallowing thickly as she made the request, once more trying to push aside what he had tried to do.

Somehow, despite everything, she still seemed to trust him. Or perhaps, he was just a small notch above the devil that was Shadow, and in turn, she felt she had nowhere else to go. Or.. maybe she had come here for the simple sake of Bazi’s company. He gave a small nod to her request, turning now, his creamy paws leading them closer to the heart of the terrain.

His pace slowed then, for he was unsure of where her old den was. It had seemed like ages ago since she had left, and whether or not everything was still intact, he was uncertain. Paarthurnax had been known in the Creek for not just her gentleness, but for her healing talents. Now, the Creek held three aspiring healers in its ranks, including Luka and Esperanza. It was just as well.. if the Creek was going to harbor puppies, he wanted them and their mother to be as safe and healthy as could be.

She followed him slowly and carefully, though it was Paarthurnax that ended up leading the way as it occurred to her that very few wolves in Swiftcurrent Creek had known where she'd rest. Despite her social, caring nature, Paar was also a very private creature. She valued the freedom to be alone when need be; her little underground hollow had been her safe place during her entire time as a member of the pack. It would likely become so again, as she focused on healing her wounded heart and tending to her newborns.

"Thank you," she broke the uncomfortable silence and smiled when the duo arrived at their destination, though it did not reach her eyes and nor did she look her escort's way. Paarthurnax scanned the abandoned plot which appeared uninhabited still, littered by fallen leaves and branches and obviously unkempt, though her nearby herb cache remained almost entirely untouched. She had dug it out specifically for its location, which sheltered its precious treasures from the elements in preparation to be sought out in the Wintertime, when fresh herbs would not be so readily available.

The mere sight of her densite, no matter how untidy, forced the reminder of how utterly exhausted she was. It was then that she turned again to her dear friend, "for everything. For being here for me."

They walked in silence – somehow, when he thought his world could not turn anymore sideways, it always seemed to tilt just a little bit more. He knew Paarthurnax would not want a feud between Swiftcurrent Creek and Shadow’s pack, and yet given the man’s history and arrogance, Scimitar could expect nothing else but. He would not only need to prepare himself, but also notify the others of the potential danger.. He held no doubt they would do everything they could to protect the gentle healer, for it was in the nature of his comrades.

The time slipped past, and Paar seemed to find her old den. He gave a nod as hse indicated they were there, and while she thanked him, he found he could do no more than blink at her for a stolen moment, surprised at the gratitude she seemed to hold. “Paar.. that day that I..” He trailed off, knowing he could not even bring himself to say it.

The day he had tried to ruin them both.

“I’m so sorry.” There was nothing else to be said – he wasn’t in his right mind.. he was grieving.. he hadn’t thought about it at the time.. Of course these excuses were true, but that was all they were: excuses. With his mouth feeling dry, he took another step back, opting to give her even more space. "Rest well," he muttered, and with that, the cinnamon Alpha turned, his paws quickening in pace as he made his way to the borders. He wanted to make sure no one had followed her here.

Much to her surprise, Scimitar brought forth a very awkward topic. She blinked at him, not sure how to respond, as her thoughts turned to the evening when he'd advanced on her. In his time of need he sought the comfort of someone who cared for him - she understood that and held no ill feeling toward him. Perhaps a young Paarthurnax would have allowed him the opportunity to find comfort in her embrace, but she'd been too devoted and loyal to Shadow to even consider the encounter possible. Now, as an un-mated wolfess, still she did not covet the idea of being courted by Scimitar; he was Bazi's, whether she was physically present or not.

"You don't have to be sorry," she mustered, and was keen to leave the subject in the past. Nothing had happened between them, and thus Scimitar had nothing to be guilty for. Paar observed quietly as the tawny Alpha made to made a prompt retreat, following him with her tired eyes before she moved toward her old den. She slipped inside and slumped to the ground, her shoulder propped against the cool wall as she curled close to herself and let herself go to the need for sleep.