The Sentinels If I never get to see the Northern lights

i thought we could set this Christmas night, so the night right after the pups are born :)

He had worried the borders enough, avid, and now it was time to turn in for the night.  Dante started his return eagerly, full to the brim with pleasure at the prospect.  Blue had delivered her new pups and all had gone well.  The pack would protect them despite the season in this new place, and... suddenly, and surprisingly, for once insight dawned upon Dante, as it did at times to the practicing counselor.  He had been thinking of Osprey's joy in her friend's new round of family, but the reality dawned and he jogged a little faster.  He had forgotten again.  How could he have?

"@Osprey?" He called softly as he got close, announcing his presence to both alert her physically and give her a moment if perhaps she was not quite ready.  He had no idea how she was, perhaps she was joyful.  But the chance of the opposite was high, and he suddenly felt awful that the entire day had gone by and he hadn't noticed.

The night Blue's children was born, Osprey had spent wandering along the abandoned beach of Stavanger bay, where the strong winds and waves violently crashing against the shore matched her despair. She had admitted once that the pain had never really gone away, but it was easier to live with it, because there was nothing to remind about the sad event. And now - from this day onwards there would be these children to take care of. She knew that she would never be able to look upon them without feeling hurt and jealous, without thinking about all of "what if"s and how very unfair life was. 

It was late the next day, when she finally returned home, exhausted from the long hours she had spent awake and wandering around. Osprey crawled inside the den, feeling glad that Dante was not there and she did not have to explain, where and why had she been gone, and fell asleep. Even hours later her slumber was so deep that she didn't here her mate's arrival and greeting.

He recieved no answer, so for a moment doubted she was even present.  Perhaps she's wandered off, or had chosen to sleep elsewhere.  Prematurely he felt a twinge of disappointment, but that was remedied when he found her not gone, but sleeping.  He didn't attempt to wake her up, but stepped gently around, lying down instead and putting his head down with a quiet sigh.  He'd gotten a nap earlier that day after a night's long patrol, but he too was exhausted.  

He wanted to sleep, but instead found himself gazing at the silhouette Osprey's ears cast in the dim light. Despite himself, he felt some of the worry slip away, and he slid gently closer, sharing warmth but hoping not to disturb her. They'd shared quarters often, but he was forever cautious, hating to chance startling her awake in case she had as much trouble getting back into it as he did himself.

It would still be a bit before he fell into a light doze, his mind racing between topics, unable to rest on one long... the cold that was now here, the joy and worry of new lives, and the inexplicable relationship that was still so very new.

Osprey was grateful that there were no dreams or nightmares plaguing her sleep - that there was a sweet nothing and, when she opened her eyes, she would see the world a bit differently. The storm within her soul had calmed down and, though the pain was still somewhere, it did not seem as bad as it had been. At least she was sure she would be able to keep it at bay and not hold grasp on her as it had the previous night. She would not let that happen, because past was past and there was no need to dwell on it for too long. 

She found her mate dozing next to her and smiled, while observing his sleeping form. Careful as ever not to wake her. The gentleman... Osprey leaned her muzzle towards him to have a sniff of his fur in order to read and guess, where he had been during the day. When the wintry sunlight found it's way through the den entrance, she lifted her head to look at it with eyes half-closed.

It wasn't long before Dante woke as well, surprisingly clear-headed and relaxed after such a light doze. Nothing had come along to wake him. He lay there a moment, reveling in that wonderful just-woke-up feeling that can only accompany a good night, before lifting his head and blinking in the light.

"Good morning," he said quietly when he noticed Osprey was up as well, loud voices never seeming quite right first thing in the morning. He wondered how long she'd been awake. For at least the time being, any worries from the previous night were forgotten with the new day. Not that he'd have brought them up if he had remembered them. Straightforward wasn't one of his strong suits.

"Morning to you too," Osprey smiled at her mate and her wagging tail thumped lightly against the den floor. "It seems that it is going to be a grand day - look at all the sunlight," she pointed out, because the sunny days in winter were so rare, having a chance to experience one seemed like a wonderful gift. And a great way to start the day. 

In the brief moment of silence that followed she felt she should tell, why and where had she been gone during the night. They did not control much each other's comings and goings - she trusted Dante and she hoped that he felt the same way about her. "I was out hunting on the furthest edges of the territory," it was not all truth, not an outright lie either. She had come down to hunting, when her rational mind had reasoned that  the aimless running and feeling sad for herself was only a waste of energy. 

"How was your day-night-early morning?" she asked casually.

"It's a beautiful sight," he agreed happily, though he was at the moment perfectly content to remain inside a while.  The den was warmed by the sun and their combined heat.  He doubted outside would be so comfortable, even in spite of the clear skies.

She explained where she was, though Dante in his focused patrol hadn't known she'd been out the night before.  He hadn't returned to the den either.  Hearing she was out through the night surprised him, but perhaps she too had wanted a good start with the new birth.  He took the news in stride then, nodding. "Mine was long as well.  But uneventful.  I ran a patrol, just to be safe."  He knew he would run more.  Knowing there were pups within the territory brought a protective streak to the front that was surprising in its ferocity.  He would mark the borders heavily over the next few days, and he suspected Lasher would do likewise.

Osprey was in no rush to get up and go out either - she was still tired and it was nice now and then to enjoy each other's company without having time pressure. She noticed that he did not comment on her absence, which could only mean that by saying "long day" he had had a very, very long one and had not been home last night either. Which made things easier - she did not have to explain anything. It would be hard to put in words, what she had felt then, either. 

"Don't work too much though, you have not been on top of your health lately," she pointed out, having noticed the occasional coughing, which seemed to have gone a bit worse than before. He would probably shake this notion off and it was so inconvenient now that Blue willow had given birth yesterday and it would not be polite to bother her and get some kind of cure. "So - have you met the happy couple already?" she asked, deciding that getting over the inevitable subject first would be the easiest way.

He felt that familiar, troubled worry as she brought up taking it easy, and his ears slipped sideways a tidge, though he smiled and nodded.  He didn't like the idea of doing so, but had already backed off, knowing large scale hunts and runs outside pack grounds were out of the range of his capability right now.  He even wondered, at times, what would happen should an intruder come.  But he would not stop patrolling, nor hesitate to defend.  That was a line he drew.  "I will try to keep it to a reasonable level."  

"I haven't yet.  Until this goes away, I don't want to go near them.  In fact, you should probably be avoiding me too,". He cleared his throat, the suggestion made good-naturedly but only half a joke.  If she did, he wouldn't be offended.  "Especially if you wanted to visit them.  Have you, yet?"  Blue Willow likely would have let them meet their "Aunt Osprey," as he assumed she'd be known with their compunction for creating family ties, but he didn't know if she'd had time yet with her hunt to stop by.

Osprey didn't reply anything to Dante's promise to slow down a bit and take his time to heal. She just regarded him with a long and thoughful gaze, not knowing, whether she should say more on the matter or just trust that he would keep his word. Often it was not easy for her to understand, where was the balance between showing healthy concern for one's well-being and interefereing too much in one's private territory. 

"No - I haven't been there yet either," she shrugged and fell silent, averting her gaze and staring at the path of light that had found it's way inside their den from outside. "But I will be happy to go, when you are better," suddenly Dante's illness had proved itself as a good reason to postpone the inevitable meeting. "I mean - I spend so much time around you that I might as well pass on the bug," which was not far from truth. Though being no healer, she had learned that some diseases were easy to transfer from one to another.

Then a thought occurred to her - in fact - it was not a new one, having been there ever since they had become mates. An idea that she had mixed feelings about, but which they would have to discuss sooner or later. "Do you... want to have kids... at some point?" Osprey asked, turning her head to look her mate in the eyes.

Not realizing that she actually wanted to push off the date, her explanation only made him feel all the worse for keeping her from being able to see them sooner.  She said nothing to his halfhearted offer to keep away from her, a fact he was glad of, selfishly.  He'd hate to get her sick, and hated that he was keeping her from visiting their friends and their new children, but he was glad he wouldn't be forced to avoid spending time with her.  Then he'd really be in a miserable spot.

He didn't have a lot of time to dwell on that, for her next question caught him completely off guard.  This wasn't a conversation he'd expected to have anytime soon.  He knew it would have to arise eventually of course, they were mated now and kids were kinda an obvious followup.  He was just slow in all things relationship, and this was abrupt.  It left him quiet a moment while his brain raced to catch up with the sorting out of an answer.  Did he want kids?

It was kinda obvious, really.  He knew the sting of longing he'd felt watching Lasher wrestle with Casmir, and hearing that joyful call to announce yet another brood of Mayfairs.  He wanted that, and had known for a while that he did.  Truthfully, he hadn't spared it much thought until Osprey had returned to them carrying another's children.  Because after the jealousy - he now recognized it as such - had faded, he'd known without a doubt he would have helped in every way he could to provide for those pups.  It didn't matter who the father was.  That he'd never told her this was one of the greatest regrets he'd likely ever carry, because maybe if he had, her first litter would have lived.  It was stupid maybe to think that.  But he'd thought it more than a few times in the time after she'd disappeared.

"I didn't think so for a long time.  I didn't think I could - be a father."  He smiled a little.  "But now I think I would."  He'd like to try at least.  "If the one I was with wanted them."  His smile grew a little as he said that, since it was obvious who that was directed to.  He couldn't do it if he knew she was only doing it to make him happy.  They needed to both be ready, and unless she was, he could wait.  That she'd even asked made him wonder, though, and he met her gaze as he waited to see what she might say next.

Dante's answer didn't surprise Osprey too much - he was in his prime and the land that they lived on and which had provided them quite well this winter, gave hope that there might be enough resources to feed more mouths later. And since her mate was such a high ranking and well-respected member of the pack, she didn't see any reason, why Lasher and Blue would deny them having offspring. 

So the decision was hers really and there was part of her that really wanted to give another shot and have a proper family. Then there was the side that dreaded the consequences - what if everything went bad? Another episode of sickness, a litter of still-borns. In that case the sorrow would not be entirely hers anymore, he would be heart-broken as well. And then what? She did not dare to think that far. 

"I might not have many springs left," she replied. It was true - she would be five this March, middle-age wolf and she knew that at some point the whole process of going in heat would stop. "So, as much as I would like to dwell on past and wait until I am 100% ready, we might miss our chance," and maybe the only way to move on was taking that dangerous turn and see, what future held for them. "And I want to have a family that's entirely my own, after all," she finished. As much as she loved her friends and their kids, they would never be as close to her kin.

Her admittance wasn't exactly comforting.  If she was worried her time was passing and knew, on some levels, she wanted to try once more, he understood.  But he did not in any way want her to make this decision based on what he wanted alone.  He had been alone so long, and without such aspirations for so long, that it wasn't what mattered to him.  This - what they had here - was far more worth keeping than children who did not exist yet.  And if she came to resent having them, likely she'd come to resent him as well for being the impetus that convinced her to do so.

But she said she wanted a family, and he would take her at her word.  He personally was equal parts giddy and terrified at the thought of raising a litter of their own.  At times he felt he could barely function as a packmate.  How would he handle parenthood?

"As long as you are sure," he said, smiling and moving so that he could give her ear a light, affectionate nibble.  "I wouldn't mind, y'know.  It just being us.  But I'd love to try it too."  It was a mixed bag.  On one hand, he was worried he'd make a pretty worthless dad when it came down to it.  Kids could go so wrong, he'd seen it, and he wasn't sure he had it in him to prevent it.  But did anyone?  All you could really do was try to love them best you could and hope that was enough.

There was fear, of course, the sickness and depression that had been present all through her first pregnancy was still in vivid memory and there was no guarantee that this wasn't going to happen this time too. Osprey would be smarter now though - she would have Blue willow at her side to aid her and help her. But the thing that gave her the most confidence was that she would have Dante by her side all the time. It would be no easy road to trek, but so much different. 

"I don't think I have to worry," she spoke softly, "I have you." Though she appreciated him telling her that he would not mind being just them either. All of a sudden she thought that maybe parenthood was just the next logical step for both of them. Sharing the knowledge and seeing the world with brand new look so to say. Having something to live for and take care of. "Shall we go outside?" she got to her feet and stretched. "It seems that it is going to be such a grand day - it would be shame to miss it."

When she said that, Dante felt a strong sense of right, a sureness that he had felt very few times.  This decision - to be mates, to start a family - it was a good one.  He wasn't sure where that assuredness came from, but it settled over him like a wave and he reveled in it.

This time he wouldn't let her down.  No matter what, he'd have her back and she would never have to doubt that.  

He watched her get up and nodded, slightly reluctant but also knowing they shouldn't waste a beautiful day in a season where they were few and far between.  "A shame indeed," he replied, rising and stretching.  "Care to grab some breakfast?" They could try a catch or perhaps hit up a store if hunting fortune betrayed them.  The ache in his chest was subdued this morning, so he liked his chances so far.

"Sounds like such a great idea," Osprey said, regarding Dante with a look full of appreciation. She was looking forward to a hunt with him - it had been a while, since she had gone after anything bigger than a mouse or frozen meat and bones burried in caches. Something fresh would be a very welcome change.

"I bet I can beat you in reaching that tree first," she beckoned to a small, snow covered fir in a distance. Then - without warning or counting "1, 2, 3, ready-set-go" - she dashed off, laughing cheerfully at her own childishness. 

ooc: a finishing touch from Dante perhaps?

She was game and he eagerly began to step off - only to have her propose a race and make a dash for it.  With a playful "Hey!"  he followed after, paws pounding in an effort to catch up.  He knew he would likely lose, but there was no way he was going down without a fight.