Larksong Grotto There's a struggle coming

She was home now. Home. The word did not mean anything to her. Tavi had not explained why she had run off. Not yet. She did not want to talk about the coast or the wolves there, so that too remained a mystery to Reek, and the woman drifted in to silence whenever asked about it; she sequestered herself in the grotto and rested, but did not sleep, nor dream. That was good though — Tavi worried about what sort of dreams she may have if she ever slept again.

After some rest, Tavi dragged herself to her feet and tread near the grotto's mouth. She did not emerge yet, not quite ready to expose herself to the pack. She could hear the wind easing its way through the grotto, winding between rocks and whistling between the ridges. She was safe within the fortress that the rock provided. At least, from most things.

Couldn't help myself :P

Reek had a lot on his plate, but he was holding it together in an emotional sense. He thought so, at least. His face, however, still bore the tell-tale lines of stress -- as if they had been permanently chiseled into his roughly cut features. It was one of those days in which Reek woke up feeling old. Like a poorly made statue by some blind artist, for some reason Reek felt uncomfortable in his very skin. Unable to place why he felt such a way, Reek shook his head and continued pressing forward toward the cave he and Tavi had claimed.

In his mouth hung the limp body of yet another goose.

It was not long until he found himself at the mouth of the grotto. Tavi's scent was strong here, but Reek had expected as such. She hadn't left their natural fortress since her return to the territory. He figured her separation was a result of the trauma she faced on her own, but Reek figured whatever was done was done— he would be here to fix things as best he could in the now.

Entering the cavern, Reek found her pacing inside. He dropped the goose where it would be visible and said, "It gets easier." He shrugged his shoulders foward. "The goose hunting, I mean." With practice, hunting birds wasn't exactly the big challenge Reek intially expected it to be.

The light was filtering in, little by little. The dust from the cavern floor spiraled up and away, and she watched it, as if it were the only company she needed. There was a moment of calm. The dull glow of spring was just out of her reach and Tavi, feeling worn out and bloated and all manner of different, felt more familial with the dust than with any real person in the grotto. As if on cue with this thought, the dust drifted away from her and, quite suddenly, Reek was there — blocking the light with his body as he slid inside. It caught Tavi off-guard, and she side-stepped to allow him room to move; he came bearing gifts, but Tavi couldn't bring herself to look up from the cave floor as she rounded and paced away from him.

She drifted along one of the further walls, sliding in to the dark and then standing there with her head turned to regard him. He was a black figment in her vision, with the faint light illuminating his shaggy fur. When he spoke she remained where she was, and hardly moved; only her ears pulled back and plastered down upon her head. Tavi licked her lips, unsure of what to say in response — if he expected a response — and ended up with a weak attempt at humor, Maybe you should focus on bugs then. Her voice was light but otherwise hollow, and afterwards she fell silent, and turned away.

After pacing away and falling against one of the cave walls, Reek took a few slow steps forward in pursuit of Tavi -- pushing the goose along the ground with his muzzle as he went. She was uncomfortable: he could tell. He stopped a good distance away, wary not to allow Tavi her space. Pushing the fowl forward one final time, the goose rolled over to its side, head slapping into the cave floor with a quiet thwap.  

He lifted his face, gaze falling on Tavi. A thin, weak smile tugged at the corners of Reek's lips in response to Tavi's attempt at humor. However, Reek could tell there was no sustenance behind it. Her words were empty.

His lips pursed and his eyes fell downward toward the goose. "Maybe," he replied, rolling his shoulders forward with a shrug. Bugs were easy prey for the infamous bug-muncher. "But I don't think you'd like it very much if I brought you a living stick." He paused and smiled awkwardly. "Spoiler alert— they taste like ass."

His response made her laugh, which she hadn't done in what felt like ages. The moment was quick though. The laughter thin and fading in the dark. Oh, so you graduated from ass-muncher to bug-muncher? Solid upgrade. She nodded her head once in a gesture of commendation, and turned to watch him; but once the words left her mouth and she was left with nothing more to say, Tavi went awkwardly silent again. She was tense, and couldn't keep up with the silliness for long.

Recognizing the lack of enthusiasm within herself — and his sorrowful expression, which even in the dark of the cavern was easily witnessed — Tavi looked down at the ground again. She murmured another weak apology, a dull I'm sorry, as if she hadn't said that enough since coming home. She breathes in the musty air and slowly lets it out as she adds, a bit louder, I can't do this.

A laugh. It was a simple thing, but Reek hadn't heard such a sound from Tavi since things were good... well, goodish. "I'll take what I can get," he replied jokingly. A wide, boyish grin spread across Reek's face in response, but as Tavi's expression darkened, his smile faltered. While the joy in Reek's face was not wiped clean, his expression was a broken thing: imperfect. There was then a silence. Reek used this moment of quiet to move closer to Tavi -- as if closeness would be some sort of comfort in the way it was to Reek himself.

From her lips passed another apology. He shook his head and replied weakly, "Please don't." It was Reek who felt the need to apologize: it had been solely his doing in unintentially ruining Tavi's life. In a way, Reek felt as if all he touched turned to lead before his very eyes. He felt guilty, and while he could not prevent Tavi's fall, he wished to pad it as best as possible. 

Can't do this. He couldn't discern the meaning behind her words: wether it was about the attempt at humor or their relationship in general. Either way, it made Reek's heart sink. "What can I do Tav? What can I do to make you smile agian?" That's all he wanted. Seeing the effects of his actions -- the wolves he had hurt -- it affected Reek deeply. Possesing the soul of clown, all Reek wanted to do was bring laughter, but he felt as if all he did was take it away.

She didn't have an answer for him. Just a shrug, and she paused in her pacing while he drifted ever closer, a black smudge among the gray. He didn't ask about the meaning behind her words — probably too afraid of what he might hear — but she couldn't blame him for that.

Undo it. Undo all of it. The pregnancy, the pack — she wasn't specific. But she did turn to regard Reek, finally. No longer did she look away from him or find the floor more interesting. She looked at him and studied his face, seeing the tired lines tracing their way across it; the sorrow there behind his eyes.

I can't be pregnant Reek — I can't have these kids, I don't-- and all at once words flooded out of her. It was like she had just been told all over again, but this time he was blocking her escape, and she was left with only stone and darkness to comfort her. I can't - I can't do this! Was he even hearing her?

Maybe she should have escaped from all of this when she had the chance. Thoughts of Arkham rose up in her mind now, and she clenched her teeth, fighting the sudden desire to scream and cry at the same time.

He heard her. The sinking sensation in his gut further deepened and Reek felt heavy— awkwardly shaped like a large, clay brick. Her gaze turned upward and met his in a quick embrace. There, he could see the fear in Tavi's eyes, and in turn, she could probably see his. Truthfully, Reek wanted the same things Tavi did. A hard reset, however, he knew this was impossible. "I'm so sorry," he said, mirroring her own apology himself. This entire situation had been his fault -- it had simply snowballed into a disaster under Reek's unasuming nose.

Having never been much of a comforter, Reek found these situations difficult. However, he cared for Tavi, and seeing her hurt deeply affected the patchwork man. "I know this is hard on you," he continued. "It's hard on me too." This much was evident from the lines that had been etched into Reek's brow. "You can be scared, it's okay to feel what you're feeling."  He felt, in some way, Tavi needed validation. 

His head drooped, ears splaying back. "But, you're not alone Tav." Of course, Reek was a passenger on the same journey. If she needed him to lean on, he would be her support, just as she had been to him when he lost Saena.

Hard on you too? You're not the one carrying these, she was frantic now, gaze faltering from his face, these bastards. As she said the word it was laced with so much emotion that she almost couldn't wrap her tongue around it. It dripped and bled with loathing, and once Tavi realized this, she gasped and backpedaled - physically stepping back in such haste that her rear end bumped the wall. Did she hate their babies already? oh my god, she shook her head in tiny bursts, and stared down at the cavern floor, feeling like her heart had just exploded and she was suffocating.

I'm going to be a horrible mother, she managed to squeak out, and then gasped for air, but it felt like she couldn't get enough. Tavi was  hyperventilating now; her vision blurred and she sank to the floor. Once there, she broke apart entirely, planting her face on the floor and covering it with one arm as if to hide from her oncoming responsibilities. Tiny sobs broke free from her, but coupled with her gasping, she sounded more like a broken dog toy than anything else.

"You're right," said Reek, conceding his feelings and utterly despondant. "I don't have the right to compare this to my own troubles."  Reek's head drooped even lower and his eyelids shut tightly. He had lost everything he ever had, had broken his family down until only splinters remained, and worst of all, Reek had lost the right to see his very own flesh and blood: his children whom he'd never seen, but loved deeply. Yet, he was not the one heavy with child -- but, the parental burden still hung heavy over Reek's head.

Hearing the hatred lingering in Tavi's voice toward her own young cut Reek like a hot knife. Of course, the pregnancy had been unwanted, but Reek could not bring himself to blame the innocent life currently growing in utero. He could only blame himself -- hate himself -- for being weak and deeply flawed.

Perhaps Tavi would be a poor mother. There was only one way to find out and it was trial by fire. Reek worried himself about his merit as a father. The coyote pups he had cared for as practice while he led the maplewood had been regarded as a complete failure. In no way did Reek want to make the same mistakes and have yet another child grow to hate him.

By the time Reek had a tether on his thoughts, Tavi was having a full-blown panic attack on the cave floor. His worries of the future, along with the regrets of the past, were all but stripped away in favor concern for Tavi's wellbeing. He closed the distance between them and dropped to his stomach beside her as she sobbed. Reek placed his head on her shoulder and exhaled. No words were offered, but he wanted nothing more than to let her know that he was simply there, and always would be for as long as she allowed him.

It was unfair for her to invalidate his experiences, because he was right - they were in this together. Tavi couldn't see that right now, though. She could only focus on the way she felt in the moment; she couldn't breathe, her body felt bloated and different in ways that made her own skin feel alien, and everything was just so wrong. The girl did not move as Reek came closer. She felt his head slide upon her shoulder and chose to focus on that connection to get herself through the sense of overwhelming panic — and it worked for the most part. Gradually her breathing came under control, the racing of her heart giving way to a steady beat. Her lungs and chest felt pinched and painful, but that was not uncommon for such a situation.

Once she had conquered the entirety of the attack, Tavi lifted her head. It felt heavy - still woozy - but the pressure she had felt squeezing her from all sides was less intense now, and fading. After a few minutes of silence she sluggishly pulled herself to her feet and leaned upon Reek, but eventually just slumped back again, sitting awkwardly with him as her support. Tavi wasn't the same chipper self she had been in the Maplewood — maybe that was to be expected — but now she looked absolutely defeated. She was tired, she was hollow, and in the coming weeks things would just get worse.

In the back of her mind she thought, when these kids arrive, maybe I'll kill them.

Strangely, that brought a sheen to her eyes. The hardness was still there, the rigidity in her body, but her face softened as she silently wept for herself. Her nose began to run, and after sniffling for a handful of minutes, she whispered Reek's name, and sullenly asked, Please go. I need to be alone.

For a while, it seemed the contact between them had done it's job. It was a slow thing, but Tavi's panic attack seemed to subside. Her sobs slowed, then stopped. Though she was beginning to feel better, Reek felt guilty he couldn't do more. He missed the Tavi he knew, lighthearted and full of banter, and was still holding out for her to eventually make her return... just as he felt his sunny-side would eventually come back to him. However, as the day's passed, Reek wondered if this sullen change in spirit was here to stay for the both of them.

She tried to move, but before Reek could suggest laying down for a while, Tavi was back on her stomach. Bidding him to leave, Tavi's words sank like a stone. Reek sighed and complied. "Of course Tav. Whatever you need," he said, planting a weak kiss on her cheek. If she needed time alone, he would give it freely.

Reluctantly, he turned away from their cave and set out to start another patrol.