Silvertip Mountain My Mind Is My Last Sanctuary

Chaska thought that after he shared what had happened with Krypton, it would feel like it normally did. Like a weight lifting off his shoulders. But for some reason, it didn't. Not this time. In fact it felt even heavier, knowing that someone else knew. His tail wilted in the shame he felt, ears low and forward. His eyes looked barely open from lack of sleep. And he felt very cranky from that.

He went on an evening stroll to clear his head and feel better, but that didn't work. He did not seek anyone out, feeling that he wouldn't be in the mood to even speak to anyone. But he was quick to change his mind at times, as well.

Steady had been so wrapped up in his duties, not to mention Niita, as well, and so he hadn't checked up on Chaska like he should have. He'd heard that others were tending to him, but he set out to find his old friend anyways. He picked up his scent and followed it, taking a little while to find him since he took his time. His tail wagged with Chaska finally came into view, and he chuffed to let the other male know he was there. 

He intended to come up beside him and nudge his shoulder affectionately. How are you? How's your leg? he asked, glancing back at it before turning his gaze back to Chaska's face. He didn't look nearly as bad as he had when Steady had found him at the borders. 

Chaska turned his face a little to see Steady approaching. He flinched a little at the affectionate at his shoulder. He'd grown to be much more careful, if not paranoid, at anyone coming close to him or touching him physically. Every time someone did, he thought it was someone coming to get him.

"Tired...And thanks to Krypton's healing knowledge, it's doing better. I can walk freely." Though it didn't feel like that. He felt very weighed down. Chaska had already shared his guilty tale to one other. He wasn't ready to share with another. If the whole pack went out for a swim, he would surely be the one to sink first.

Steady saw his friend flinch at his touch, and wondered why. They had been close before Chaska left, and as far as Steady knew, nothing had changed between them. Steady often wondered what had happened to his friend during his time away from the pack, but he struggled with whether or not to ask. He let it go for a moment. 

He nodded, I'm glad she's able to help you, he said. Physically, Steady thought Chaska would be fine once he healed completely, though he wasn't sure his mind would be at ease in such short time. As long as it took the body to heal, sometimes the mind could take even longer. Have you met many of the other wolves here? Since Chaska's departure, the pack had changed much, with only Steady and Krypton having been of the original pack. He knew that couldn't have been easy for Chaska to return and adjust to such changes, but Steady hoped he would still come to know this as home.

Chaska nodded along solemnly. She had been a great help. And despite the stubborness she represented when he spoke of him being fine, he welcomed her medical attention to him. Her presence to his story, that he did not favor as much. yet part of him knew it was for the best. Maybe he would even get help now that another knew.

"I have met Ezekiel. Quite kind. And Niita. She gave me some bark for my wound. I could see why you like her. And from what I could tell, she likes you." Had he known what had already happened, Chaska would have congragulated him. "Both are quite polite. A gentleman and gentlelady. Even though neither came off as that at first, but that may have been me." He had a frown on his face that he directed at the ground in front of him. But really, it was at himself. How could he have been so detached, so closed off? They only wanted to help, and at first he shrugged them off.

Chaska spoke about meeting both Ezekiel and Niita, giving both a high regard. Steady smiled, his heart filling with pride over his pack mates. He wasn't sure how he got so lucky to have such great friends, but he was truly grateful for them. Chaska confessed neither wolf he spoke of came off great at first, though he blamed it on himself. Steady knew Chaska hadn't really been the same wolf as he was before he left, and different personalities took some getting used to. But, seeing as how they were all getting along, no harm, no foul. Well, I'm glad things worked out in the end, despite the beginning. I'm sure Ezekiel and Niita would have nothing but nice things to say about you, too. Mostly because Steady would have something to say if they did. 

His thoughts went to Niita, and his smile softened a bit. I like Niita quite a bit, too, he admitted Enough that I asked her to be my mate, and she said yes! He beamed with happiness, clearly ecstatic that he and Niita were confirmed mates. Steady loved that he could go around calling her that, but his heart was happy just to know that she returned his affections.

Chaska grew a soft smile at hearing the good news that made his eye scars rippled. "Steady, I am very glad that this has happened for you. You are both lucky to have each other, I am sure." Despite how he originally felt after returning, he felt so glad for his friend. Perhaps even there would be an alpha pair instead of a single alpha. Then things would be just a bit more to normal. Or at least what felt normal. "Planning on offspring?" he asked out of curiosity.

His smile brightened as his friend congratulated him. He could hardly believe it himself. Thanks, he replied. It made him happier to have the support of his family and pack mates. Had they not been pleased, Steady knew his loyalties would have been pulled in both directions: one for his pack, one for his heart. He was glad that was not a war he would have to face. The thought of promoting her to Alpha may have happened upon his mind, but he didn't want the others to think that title was simply handed to her. He knew some positions might come with a mateship, and she would hold a certain respect regardless of her rank, but he needed her to earn Alpha. He knew the pack would respect her more doing it that way.

He frowned, his head tilting to the side. Uh, you know, we haven't discussed pups, he confessed. A worry was brought to light that he hadn't considered before now. The last wolf he was involved with hadn't wanted pups, and their relationship had ended. They had never even officially become mates. Steady's heart had led him to asking Niita, and he hadn't worried about the rest. But, what if she didn't want pups? Then Steady began doubting if he should even have any. After what happened with Odette and Stoic, I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a Dad, he said, his voice expressing his sorrow. He didn't regret the decision he made about Zaria, but he did regret doing in front of her children.

To see his alpha smile more, he knew he was saying the right things. Chaska felt even more better. But there was still that gloomy feeling that shadowed his face, his eyes still half-closed. "No thanks needed. Just saying the truth. You are very lucky."

But then the mood seemed to turn upside down as Chaska asked about Steady having pups. The conversation flipped from being in a happy tone. "Steady, it was not your fault. The famine brought June's and Zaria's death." He felt guilt, thinking once more if he had been here, things would have been different. "Guilt is something you don't want. Don't let it hold you down. Trust me, I know all about g-" He cut himself off. An image flashed by his eyes. Driven there by his own guilt.

Steady knew Chaska was right about the deaths, but did he know what Steady had done to Zaria's body? He wasn't there, had only howled his remorse, but one of the other pack mates could have told him. Do you know what happened after Zaria died? he questioned, his voice low, though that was pointless. Everyone else knew. The pups hated him for it.

He caught the way Chaska had broken off his sentence, but he didn't let him retreat. Chaska, I know something happened while you were gone, and you obviously feel bad about. I think we both know what guilt does when it festers inside of us, he said solemnly. The why Chaska had shown up at the borders, all bloody and bruised, told Steady he had been in a scuffle with someone, he just didn't know who. Why don't you tell me your story? he asked, a play on words. Chaska had always loved telling stories, and this was one Steady really wanted to hear.

Chaska shook his head. He knew she had died. But not how. Or what had happened after. He knew they had run off, the pups. Odette and Stoic. Why? No one told him that. "What happened?" Did Steady do something? Did he send them off? Scare them? Or was the reason for them running off not related at all?

Chaska mentall kicked himself for catching his own words. He should have just kept going, but that picture inside his head, it came up. "I..I can't. I've already told one other. I can't tell it again." He was afraid of telling it, afriad the weight on his shoulders would overbear him. Every time he thought on it, his expression went dark, his tail fell and poofed out. He felt stressed.

Steady sat back on his haunches, seriously considering his friend, who he trusted with his life. He was asking Steady to tell his own story, to be rid of his own guilt, yet he would not do the same. Steady shook his head. It's a two-way street, my friend. I'll tell mine if you tell yours. He was surprised that no one had told Chaska of that meeting, if that's what it could be called. 

Maybe the pack had taken a silent oath not to think about it. Or, maybe each individual wolf came to the conclusion to simply chalk that day up to survival and bury it down deep, bury it with Zaria. He himself had never really been able to just let it go. If the pups had stayed, if they had understood, if they had forgiven him, maybe then he would get past it. But, Steady had resigned himself to the fact that day would never come.

He blamed himself more for even letting it come up. He couldn't blame them for wanting to know, they were just overly curious. But his tiredness, it distorted it a bit. He wanted to shout at Steady to mind his own business, even though he wanted to know about the alpha's own business. He wanted to hide away, not wanting to tell anyone. His friendship eventually got the best of him.

"My guess is that they ran because of something you did. The pups, I mean...You know how hard it is to see them run away...But what about seeing one's blank stare after you...you..." He couldn't finish it. The image flashed by again. A blank stare of a boy barely eight months old. Red pouring from his throat. And in Chaska's mouth, the part that filled the hole in the throat. "After you kill one."

He recalled the whole thing in his head. How he duelled the one he called murderer. And won. Then how he ran right after giving a warning to the entire pack the 'murderer' ruled. Only to have their only son come after him. Barely eight months old, yet knowing full well what Chaska had done. The resemblance, the insults, the stinging bite at his face that scarred his eye, it had sent him flying over the edge.

His eyes were on Chaska. At first, he didn't think Chaska would say anything. It seemed like he would try and guess what Steady had done, but last line of Chaska's statement told Steady what he needed to. Chaska had done something he seemed to regret; something Steady could relate to.

He sighed. How about... when you give the order to eat their dead mother, then rip into her flesh and drop the chunk at the base of their feet? he replied softly, his voice just audible enough for his friend to hear. Odette's expression still haunted his dreams. Steady and Chaska were playing who was worse, with each one thinking they were. At least Steady was. 

That caught him off guard. he had not known that. Or even heard of that from anyone. Chaska tried to decide which was worse. Feeding a pup it's own mother, or ending one's life in a savage way? One would torment them, the other would inflict much pain before no pain at all. "Steady...I did not know..."

He wasn't sure if it was stupid or brave, but he mustered the courage to try and the lighten the mood. for both their sakes. "I guess fate has it out for us both and any pups around us, eh?" Indeed a morbid joke. Quite possibly the worst joke he'd ever made. And joking wasn't even his strong suit. He just wanted to knock himself out after that. "Sorry. Just trying to not make this conversation feel lively again."

He knew it would shock Chaska, just like it had the others. Steady kept telling himself he had just been doing what must to ensure the survival of the pack. They all seemed to understand, except the pups. The Alpha wondered every moment what had happened to them when they ran off. In the middle of a famine, he did not think there was any hope for their survival. 

Chaska made a rather bad attempt at a joke, which seemed to have some truth to it, in Steady's opinion. Steady gave a half-hearted smile to his friend. It's alright, he said. He understood it wasn't meant to be mean. But, I do hope you realize that we make decisions we feel we have to. The guilt is heavy, but what's done is done. Steady still didn't know the details of what Chaska had been through, but now he felt he didn't need to know. Chaska seemed to be beating himself up about it enough, without anyone else putting more of that on him.

Chaska remained silent, a grim look on his face. Steady spoke truthfully. All that had happened was in the past. Although part of him did not want to agree. He wished he could agree. And he did. So why was he still so full of guilt? Was it even guilt anymore?

"Thank you for this talk...So, is there anything you needed to ask me, or just wanted to check up on a friend of yours?" Chaska asked, perking ears up curiously. Truly he hoped there was something else to take his mind off the earlier talk.

Got to leave some things for Ezekiel to talk to him about. Why are timelines so confusing?

Steady knew there was nothing to be said to make himself feel better, and he suspected the same of Chaska. For Steady, he would come to terms with what he had done, and do his best to move on with his life. He hoped his friend would be able to do the same and let go of the guilt he was feeling. 

He gave Chaska a smile, and almost said that he just wanted to check up on him. But, there was something in his expression that caused him to pause. Well, uh... he began, his brain struggling to thing of something. There was, uh... He didn't want to bring up anything negative, and they had already spoken about Niita... Oh, gossip! I think there might be something between Ezekiel and Anita! His voice was way too high and his expression way too happy that he had come up with something to talk about. He wasn't generally a gossiping wolf, but they needed something easy for their brains to process for once. Ezekiel says he thinks of her like his own sister, who he misses, but I wonder if he isn't soft on her and just doesn't know what to do about it. Steady could relate. His first days after Niita had come were filled with overbearing protectiveness and jealousy when she was around. In the back of his mind, he knew Ezekiel probably would like him talking about this to anyone, but Steady was just trying to get Chaska's mind off of negative things.

Chaska quirked his mouth into an amused smile. Steady, the newly crowned alpha, spreading gossip? He wasn't sure at first, cause he thought he had heard wrong. Well, at least it took his mind off things. Still, it surprised him. From their chat, Zeke had talked about things like mates. And how he hoped to find one. It perked the grey wolf's interest to find out if he had. But not until Chaska got over himself would he do that. "Ezekiel? I could not imagine that. And this Anita, I have not seen her before." Another name to add to the 'meet later' list.

Chaska grinned, and Steady felt triumphant that he could get his friends' mind off of darker things. Steady knew gossiping was wrong, and had never really gotten into it before, but it was the only thing he could think of. He nodded, confirming what he had said. I think he's changed a little since he's joined. He's not so rough around the edges, he commented on Ezekiel. Anita is nice, though I've had to demote her for a short time for her insubordination towards Ezekiel, he confessed. It wasn't one of things Steady liked about his new leadership role, but he felt it had to be done. She had taken a liking to teasing him, and not being respectful to his rank. I wonder if she was doing it because she liked him and didn't know how to show it. It was the only thing that made sense to him, since she wasn't like that with anyone else.

"Well then...Maybe once I get over this, we could be 'matchmakers'" he said with a smirk. If he ever got over it, but he did not think of that. It would be good to make someone else happy, even if it meant he and another had to get two together. But first, they would have to investigate. They just had to decide who and when they would meet. If this was to happen, that is. "How about we meet another time after doing a little investigating into them?" For a moment, he was filled with determination. He had a goal set in his mind, something to get through this for. Even if it may have seemed minor to others, at least it was something.

He chuckled at Chaska's idea. Well, that would give us something to do... And then something to do after when they start getting upset at us for trying to match up the wrong wolves. Steady wasn't usually a gossiper, and he was even less a matchmaker. Unless it became a problem that Ezekiel and Anita were keeping their feelings hidden, he most likely wouldn't step in.

Chaska thought they should do a little investigating on their own. Steady thought a moment. Really, he would simply being trying to solve a problem before it became a problem. Holding feelings in was bound to come to a head at some point, and as Alpha, he should do his best to prevent that, of course. He nodded. Good idea! Ezekiel and I are close, so I can talk to him. Anita, I think, will like you, and maybe open up to you. Steady doubted she would open up to him, since he wasn't sure how she felt about being demoted. They hadn't really talked since.

The idea seemed to be good. If they failed, he would have something to else to think on and laugh about later. If they succeeded, he would feel accomplished...And have another thing to laugh about later. Worked either way for him.

Chaska liked the plan more and more. And he would be able to meet this Anita. Hopefully what Steady said would be true. "Okay then. I guess I have been better at talking with the ladies than men" he said with a cheeky smile. A terrible joke. Something he had been doing a lot lately, mainly to help himself in his state of mind.

He chuckled at Chaska's joked about how he had better luck with the ladies, then turned mock-serious. What does it mean, then, that I'm better with males? His face looked confused, then scared, then humorous. He was confident in his own sexuality, and wasn't worried how it looked that he seemed to gather the trust of males over females. As long as he had Niita's trust, and love, he was good.

With the plan in motion, Steady stood. Alright, let's get started! he said with a smile, and made to leave, though he paused to make sure Chaska didn't have anything else to say first before he left.

Chaska opened his mouth to answer, not realising Steady was playing with him. And afraid he would say the wrong thing, he clamped it shut. Steady started to leave, and he too turned, tail flicking in farwell. It had been a good talk, and certainly helped just a bit. "Meet here in a...I don't know. Meet here whenever."