Duskfire Glacier Ain't nothin but a goodbye town

@Bazi ? Perhaps? Only if you have time dear

Danica was starting to feel restless, and as a result was once again revisiting the conversation with Shadow so long ago. Tuwawi was gone, Njal was here but not, and suddenly the pack didn't seem so much like home. She wasn't going to do anything right this moment, but.... She wasn't sure Teekon was a place where she was going to find her happiness.

For now, she'd see how the pack went under Malachi. She liked him, whatever his opinion of her. She didn't hold it against him, those of a more honorable nature often clashed with her particular ideals. She was glad that Duskfire would continue on no matter what decision she made. Even if she was thinking about cutting ties she didn't want to see the pack disband.

As these thoughts rolled like storm clouds through the golden woman's mind, she lay at the foot of the glacier, her eyes trained on the distant horizon in a thoughtful manner. If she were to go, which way would she head? Probably back east. There were places she had yet to see, and perhaps along the way she'd find what she was looking for.

If only she could figure out what that was.

Could this be set before Kaskara visits? :D

There was still no sign of Tuwawi. Bazi stayed close to the den Maera shared with her father, but made no assumption that she was welcome to sleep there (and it was too awkward to ask). Her leg still hurt, but didn't prevent her from walking about, which she did at every available opportunity. Every day her body grew stronger, her fur thicker, and her paws steadier.

That day, she dared to set foot on the glacier itself and had to quell the urge to run hell for leather along the blue-white road until she reached the edge of the world. She didn't. It would have snapped her leg, for one, and she wasn't sure the world had an edge. Just water. Endless, black ocean.

Someone else was on the ice, thinking similar thoughts. For once, Bazi wasn't the one that stood out like a sore thumb (although she was still a little yellow, and far from invisible). Steadying her nerves, the former Swiftcurrent Alpha drew breath and stepped out from behind a soiled outcropping that jutted out of the glacier like an ailing tooth.

"..hi," she called to the ponderous Danica, still a little hoarse and now wondering if starting a conversation was such a good idea - there was no room to dance around the enormous elephant that pushed against the walls and ceiling.

sure!

Bazi was perhaps the last wolf Danica expected to approach her, though in retrospect it made sense. She couldn't avoid her forever, and honestly, Danica didn't mind her approach at that moment. She was in an introspective mood, a rare occurrence for the warrior. Her thoughts were so far elsewhere that she didn't has the motivation to be miffed by Bazi's appearance.

"Hey," she said, somewhat guarded but not unfriendly. She looked her over with an impassive eye. "You're looking... better." A small thought presented that perhaps this would be taken the wrong way but she wasn't bothered. Instead her eyes once more returned to the horizon, and she sighed. She felt worn down. Emotionally moreso than physically. As though nothing that happened after this really mattered. It was this disconnect that was a huge reason behind her stepping back from taking any responsibility after Tuwawi's departure. She just couldn't give a damn.

"Have you seen much of the world outside of Swiftcurrent and these lands surrounding it?" She asked suddenly, not looking at Bazi.

Better, but not great. Bazi wouldn't be happy until the ghastly yellow was well and truly gone, but that was not a topic for today (or ever - it belonged somewhere in between 'frivolous chit-chat' and 'breath-wasters').

Nor, it seemed, would they be tackling the obvious thing. That irritated Bazi slightly. She had prepared and rehearsed, and to her, the whole thing still felt very recent. The month she had spent at the bottom of a pit felt like (very traumatic) minute now that she was out, but life had moved on without her. The Glacier had problems of its own, and apparently, so did Danica.

"Not really," she replied, confused, easing herself into a sitting position a wolf's length away from the golden wolf. "Just Swiftcurrent Creek, and my family's range in the North. It was big.. but it all looked the same. Rock, snow, that sort of thing. Why?"

Mm, north. Definitely not. Danica wasn't a wolf built for colder weather, her hardy frame covered by a finer layer of fur than what Bazi possessed. She supposed it was a stupid question since Bazi looked so obviously northern, but that was past now.

For a moment she considered brushing off the question. This far she had told none of her thoughts besides Shadow, but with the consideration growing heavier with each passing day, she wondered what it could hurt. She could tell Malachi, and he would what? Kick her out sooner? That would make her choice rather easier, actually.

"I'm thinking of leaving," she stated simply, this time turning to look at her -friend? Once friend? They hadn't really had the conversation about that, and Danica wasn't about to come out and ask. How would she start that? 'Still gay, how's that make you feel?' No thanks.

"Oh." Panic climbed into the younger girl's heart. As long as Danica remained at the Glacier, there was time to mend what Bazi had broken. She loathed the bitter taste of guilt, and if Danica left the Teekon Wilds, Bazi would have to live with that feeling forever. It was the most selfish thought she could think - if you leave, you take *my* unresolved issue with you! Oh boo hoo, Bazi.

But approaching the subject was like stalking a deer. It took time, and now she might be running out. A rush of petulant anger twisted Bazi's lips into a grimace. "What about Maera, and Njal?" she asked, as if it wasn't obvious that the decision was already a difficult one.

Danica appraised Bazi's reaction, taking note of the anger but not rising to it. "They hardly need me. Yeah Maera is sweet, but she has plenty in her life to look after her." Arabella seemed to have taken on the task, and now her father was back as well. "She'll forget me soon enough. And Njal, well... It's not as though I've done much for him so far." So far she'd been a failure to the glacier in pretty much every capacity. Not enough a warden to stop the tradgedies from occurring, not enough a warrior to hunt down the culprits, and not enough a caretaker to deal with the aftermath. She was a frickin trifecta.

After that thought, she turned her full attention to the other. "And here I figured you'd be glad to hear it. Isn't that what you wanted after all?" Not that she was doing it for that reason (at all), but Bazi really was the last place she expected to hear an argument from on the matter.

"And here I figured you'd be glad to hear it. Isn't that what you wanted after all?"

Danica's sarcastic opener didn't exactly set the scene for the flowery speech that Bazi had put together (and practiced, when the pain in her leg made her think she was about to die). She didn't know what she had been expecting, frankly. For Danica to give her an easy ride, and accept that gayness was just one of those things that it was OK to freak out about for a while? Yes, she answered herself bitterly, but it wasn't the socially acceptable answer.

Bazi turned her head to meet Danica's eyes, body turned defensively away. "I made a mistake." There. Her original speech had gone more along the lines of 'I needed time to accept you for who you are, I understand it all now! Blahblahblah bunnies and a few white lies!'. "It wasn't my right to tell you to leave. Scimitar, Kaskara, and Galileo made sure I knew it." And the rest of the pack, but the entire list would have costs the sentence its punch. "It wasn't.. " for the good of the pack? That sounded cold - utilitarian. Bazi averted her eyes for a moment and cleared her throat. "I just didn't understand." Nice. Eloquent.

Oh, that made it all better. Now they could go back to exactly the way things were before. Thank goodness. She wanted to spout further sarcasm, turn and walk away, but even Danica knew there were times when one held their tongues. She was learning, slowly, how to navigate the minefield that was living with other wolves. Besides, things would never go back to the way they were, and to say they would was just stupidity.

And if anything, this week had taught her some perspective. "It may have been wrong, but I think it was for the best. I was so angry then, but now... I don't think I could hav stayed anyway. Knowing what you saw me as, and what you thought of me." She shook her head. "I couldn't live like that, and I doubt you could had either." It would have become the game of avoidance they had been playing this last week, only amplified. And as Alpha, Bazi couldn't have wolves around who wouldn't go near her.

"So yeah, it was a dick move. But if you are gonna condemn me, might as well go all the way and save us both the problem of pretending."

Danica sounded so deflated. Bazi had been gearing up for a bit of a fight, ending in a big, tear-streaked 'sorry', when a heated exchange of truths had given the word some weight. That didn't look like it was happening.

"But.." she started, ears wilting under the glare of uncertainty. Now what? Will Danica to come back to Swiftcurrent Creek, work through the awkwardness and watch as Bazi tried to win back her (male) lover? There you go - just sit pretty and fill some void in me that I can't quite define yet; I'll only be a year or two, promise!

It came out anyway. ".. why can't you just come home?"

Danica wasn't even sure how to respond right away. Apathy was quickly becoming a norm for her, a fact that she absolutely hated. It had been growing ever since she came to Duskfire, this inability to care about anyone or anything. She thought perhaps the lynx situation had burned it out of her, but it had merely been a fixation. Something she could focus on that would let her forget how little anything mattered. Now that hope was pretty much gone, it was back worse than ever. It was why she knew she needed to get away. This place would be better without her and she better without it.

"Damn it Bazi, first you tell me to leave, now you sit here and tell me it's my home?" Did that fall knock the bitch out of her all the sudden? She stared at Bazi, amazed that she could think Danica would accept that. "What, go back and wait until you bonk your head again and suddenly decide I'm unfit for your standards? Sorry, no thanks." The words were icy, but she didn't regret them. Bazi might be kidding herself but Danica wasn't stupid. Wolves didn't change, not like that.

It was the first thing Danica had said that wasn't grey, and it was as infuriating to hear as it was satisfying. Finally, there was a spark. Bazi got to all four paws - sitting did not suit the shouting match she had in mind for them. With her ears slicked back and a sour look on her face, she shot back: "And next time someone has a problem with you - are you just going to listen to them, too? You should have told me that Swiftcurrent Creek was your home and that I was an idiot. You'll be wandering until you fall down dead!"

oh boy :D I have been waiting for this!!!

If Bazi wanted anger, her response definitely got the reaction she desired. Now suitably pissed off, Danica glared at her now-standing antagonist, unable to take her statement as anything but a shift of blame. An attempt that made her absolutely furious. Standing herself, she faced Bazi belligerently . "Don't you dare fucking turn this around on me. What the hell could I have done, challenged you? Continue living in a pack where my leader can't stand me being around? Oh, that's a great idea! Maybe while I'm at it I'll just take a dip in a boiling hot spring." The two sounded equally appealing.

"I'd rather die walking than live a miserable lie," she growled. Bazi probably didn't understand that, but at least this way, she didn't lose herself.

On the upside, this was far from apathy. A part of Danica's inner self purred with satisfaction at the encounter, finally a chance to face this entire mess the way that suited her best; head on, fangs out.

"I told you I was sorry!" Bazi roared back, lacking counterarguments (and a leg to stand on, ha-ha). She was running out of doors, and outright begging wasn't one she wanted to try (yet). "I'm not even the Alpha," and never should have been, "so what I think - thought - doesn't matter. " Bazi exhaled hard through her nose. "You're supposed to be with Swiftcurrent Creek."

Bazi wasn't.. entirely sure what she was arguing for, or why. At least not consciously. She wanted Danica back home; and if not at Swiftcurrent, then Duskfire Glacier would do. But out there.. she would never see her again, and the thought of it made the future seem oddly dark.

Danica still couldn't fathom why Bazi was singing such a different tune now from a few months ago. Her muscles tensed when Bazi raised her voice even further, but she wasn't about to believe this was about her. A part of her thought perhaps she knew why she was pushing so hard, and she rebelled against it. "Don't think for an instant I am going to go back there just so you can make yourself and everyone else feel better about what happened. I'm not some charity case or good deed you can use to get rid of your guilt." Sorry might be enough for forgiveness eventually, but at the moment it wasn't enough to make her consider changing her course. She doubted there was anything Bazi could say that would be.

"Just go back. Find your own happiness and let me go after mine. Because I sure as hell am not gonna find it in Swiftcurrent." Bazi had Scimitar, a pack, family and friends who obviously had missed her enough to come after her. Danica, she'd never had that, even here. Duskfire had come close, but with everything that had happened, she still found it lacking. Some soul searching might be a good thing for her now. "Maybe some of us weren't built for packs," she finished, a bit of venom in her tone still.

Danica's anger fell on Bazi like a rain of hot coals - all of it deserved, all of it expected, but it was difficult to remember that in the heat of the moment. To be told that she shouldn't use Danica to alleviate her guilt was especially difficult - because it was true, at least partly. The incident had left a black mark on Bazi's record, and it stared at her every time her mind drifted from the immediate present. As a pack leader, she had done a strategically unsound thing. As a friend, she had stuck the knife in and twisted. That - and the impending reunion with Scimitar - was making it very difficult to fall asleep at night.

"Maybe some of us weren't built for packs."

Bazi turned her head back towards Danica, having averted her eyes in the middle of the angry tirade. Her eyes lingered momentarily on the other girl's cold eyes before flickering back to the glacier. "You're a wolf, of course you were built for packs," she grumbled, "If you don't go back to the Creek, at least stay here until winter is over." No frozen corpse had ever found happiness.

Bazi wrinkled her nose and moved as if to leave, but her tongue got the better of her and her scrawny rump dropped back to the ground. "What is wrong with this pack? I would do anything to have Njal back, and Maera, and Malachi seems like a benevolent, kind wolf. What ready-made thing are you looking for that you can't build here?"

I'mma be sad to take a break with her ;.; whyy you make it so hard? XD love Bazi for it though

Danica did not agree with Bazi; some wolves did better alone. She didn't know if it was some fault in their makeup or some imbalance in their nature but she knew that they existed, wolves who were perfectly content to live their entire lives without signing on to... this. And in reality, Danica knew this wasn't her. She might not give a damn about many besides herself, but nor did she enjoy a life completely void of others. She didn't respond to draw back the words, though, for they would only give weight to Bazi's opposing view.

Truth be told, she couldn't explain what it was that led her away from Duskfire, nor even whether the sensation was a push or a pull. Was she running away or towards? For some inexplicable reason the land had ceased to feel like home and she didn't have an answer to give Bazi as to why. Malachi was decent enough, and yes Njal and Maera were here. But still the discontent was set within her, itching like fire in her veins. Go. Leave.

Thoroughly frustrated by her lack to voice any reason why Bazi's views were not valid, but unwilling to budge, Danica found herself at a complete loss for words, something that for her did not occur often. She was really starting to regret even beginning this conversation.

So she settled for lashing out. "I hardly owe anyone an explanation, least of all you. Forget it." She snapped, unwilling to argue mostly due to the fact that she did not, this time, have logic to back her up. For the first time in a long while Danica was following her gut, a draw that was dangerous as it was impulsive. She'd survived winters before, but always with harsh results, and luck was a large factor. A flicker of doubt entered her then, and she resented it as it came. Still, it wasn't enough.

"I hardly owe anyone an explanation, least of all you. Forget it."

Bazi's ears fell flat. Her attempts to speed the recovery of their relationship was going nowhere, and she was sick and tired of repeating her apology. You're gay - it's weird! Statistically, it's weird. The wolf that had vowed to humbly accept her guilt in forcing Danica out of the Creek was now having second thoughts about her part in the saga - because really, the correct response to her homophobic outburst would have been: Shut up, Bazi, you don't know what you're talking about because you aren't even two - go away, do some contemplative crotch-licking, and get back to me when you've grown up.

Instead, Danica was using her as an excuse to give in to wanderlust. At least, that was what Bazi was thinking now.

"Fine," she responded in a high, clipped tone, rising abruptly and turning towards the forest with a final, coldly delivered: "Freeze."

Danica had her issues, she knew that. And Bazi's internal accusation was probably accurate. This was her longest time spent with a single group since her birth pack, and the turmoil was the warning shot for her. Though she hadn't analyzed her feelings (not being much of the thoughtful sort), her mind was screaming at her to cut and run before she got any more attached than she already was.

She didn't know what she had expected, but she felt a moments regret to her own handling of the situation when Bazi's frigid response struck deep. Maybe this was a death sentence. Maybe not. She honestly felt backed into a corner though, unable to do anything else. And the sensation reverberating through was impossible to ignore.

That was that. She assumed they were done now, whatever hope for friendship that may have remained crushed thoroughly by Danica's flakey tendencies and inability to ever properly react to anything. Hot and cold, even she couldn't figure herself out, not that she tried. Seemed Bazi had had enough. Well good. Without a word Danica spun and took off, kicking up snow as she made her way towards the Glacier's boundary, not willing to admit she felt even worse than she had before that conversation began.