The Sunspire cravings of an intense and odd variety

the gentle swell of her stomach was enough to confirm if she had not known already — terance and seabreeze would be starting a family soon.  every time she looked at her changing body it caused her to smile.  the side effects?  not so much.  first she couldn't stop throwing up, and then she was hungry all the time.  and now she was hungry all the time, but she always wanted weird shit?  even things that weren't edible, like the river stones she so often collected looked good.

(by the way, they actually didn't taste great and they didn't go down well, either).  

today, it was grass.  oh my god, grass was everywhere and it was lookin' mighty fine.  she took a look around to make sure nobody was watching, and then.  well.  she went at it.

ah. pregnancy glow, how beautiful a thing. 

at least, in theory.

as terance stumbled upon his beautiful baby-mama he was very shocked to see her eating grass-- and very ungracefully. not that seabreeze had ever been the epitome of grace, but still. his first assumption was that she was sick and trying to throw up-- but he knew how often she'd been throwing up without the help of grass so... what gives? 

in his jaws he held actual sustenance in the form of a rabbit, since he figured she'd probably be hungry, and as he approached he gave a soft bark of greeting and... well, confusion as well, maybe. "hey, uh, whatcha doin?" he asked through the rabbit as he got nearer to her, concern laced in his voice.

oh.  hmm.  how did she even explain this?  well, you know, grass is good for an unsettled stomach.  but as soon as the words had left her mouth, she stopped eating the grass.  it also was not very good.  the meat looked good though.  it's been a while, how are you holding up?  they seemed to have quite a few more members since last time, but she hadn't bothered to acquaint herself with them.  she'd actually been demoted due to her isolation; not that it mattered much to her.  she was never cut out for leadership.

how do you feel about visiting the coast, when the babies are old enough?

"are you sick?" terance asked quickly, brows furrowing and concern seeping through the deep rumble of his voice. he wanted to help-- oh but how could he? he was useless. he'd forever be useless. he'd never do anything more than ruin. therefore, he didn't answer her question, masking it instead as though he was far more concerned by her eluding to being unsettled than just not wanting to answer. 

but, desperately, terance did not want to answer, and he did not want to lie.

she moved quickly though, thankfully. "i think that's a good idea," he said softly, moving forward to nudge her shoulder, "is everything okay?" because a trip to the ocean wasn't a 'in a day' sort of thing, and though terance knew seabreeze loved the ocean, the request seemed sort of... mmm... desperate.

oh, oh no.  there was something unsettling in the way he responded to her.  had she worried him, about the upset stomach?  i think it's just a pregnancy thing.  sometimes, i crave weird stuff.  she rolled her shoulders.  at least grass is safe..

she swept closer, resting her chin on the top of his head as he brushed her shoulder.  yeah.  i just want to visit, is all.  i think it'd be nice to just.. take a trip some time.  she was no stranger to travels and sometimes she longed to see what was beyond the mountain.  but if not, we'll have to spend some more time down at the falls.

really, just small talk.  are you okay?

he gave a soft sigh, and maybe a little chuckle. "as long as you're okay," he said, lingering for a moment before pulling back to look at her as she spoke again. "i'll take you to donnelaith," he promised, a soft smile tracing his lips, "it'll be nice to go back... i think i'll remember it." of course, terance didn't know the sentenials had long since burned to the ground. but how would he? "but... deal," he added. he liked the falls.

but, of course, seabreeze pressed him. he was used to it by now. their short-but-fruitful friendship had proved nothing but persistence and concern from seabreeze's side. maybe his own as well, but he knew now that seabreeze always held a bit of anxiety when she spoke to him, and anything wrong-- even if only barely-- she would pick up on. his held his tongue, not wanting to outright say it and really not wanting to lie. 

"i've been better," he admitted after some time, a soft shrug pulling at his shoulders, "it's just wraen and liffey--" and you "--they're not so happy with me lately. but it'll pass, it's nothing you have to worry about." he hoped that was reassuring but... well, probably not.

maybe she didn't have a knack for picking up on things, maybe she was just anxious.  at least at first, he seemed okay.  i'm good as long as i'm with you.  and them, she said, tracing the soft curve of her belly with a fine wrist.  that would be nice.

then he got quiet, and the worry settled in again.  this time, her stomach was kind of upset, but it was more from nerves than anything.  oh, she said, moving close before stopping herself.  did he even want her comfort?  this was her fault, even if she kind of didn't regret it even a little bit.  i'm sorry, terance.  and she truly was.

this wasn't something she could fix with a joke and a trip down to the falls.  maybe in another universe it could've been more romantic.  instead, she moved to his side again, leaning into him so he could feel the way her stomach curved, just like olive had done with her.  maybe then he could feel their children kick against his side, just as she felt.  maybe that would do something.

"it's not your fault," terance reassured her softly. it was his. all his. it wasn't seabreeze who walked and wrecked everything she dared to touch-- it was him. it was terance. she hesitated, and terance again was hit with a blow to the chest that reminded him how horrible he was at something as simple as friendship. not even thinking about hydra, because that was a whole other story-- but something as pure and novice as he and seabreeze were... he'd taken it and crushed it beneath his hips as they had rocked so easily against hers. and now what were they? would they ever know? would either of them ever stop second guessing something as plain as a touch to the shoulder?

not today. 

she did, however, choose to move towards him. which, in this moment, terance appreciated. his feelings were still left unsorted and with the weight of wrean's disapproval baring down on his shoulders maybe they wouldn't be sorted for a while to come-- but this was fine. this was needed. he leaned down slowly, feeling her against him and sighing softly, resting his cheek against her swollen sides-- waiting. gentle hope sparked in his chest. that maybe this would be something he could save. even if seabreeze forever despised him for forcing an unwed pregnancy upon her... maybe these pups would be something he could do right. he only hoped she would let him stick around long enough to see them grow.

he raised to look at her-- she held no malice in her gaze, what about her worried him so much? "how many do you think you'll have?" he asked quietly, ears cupping forward.

it's not yours, either.  she didn't know how to help him and she felt powerless for it; she didn't know the turmoil and self-doubt that plagued him, but it kind of still felt like her fault, even if it wasn't.  because she was supposed to be a counselor, and she was kind of doing a shit job at it.

and if it is your fault, it's both of ours.  she sucked in a breath.  but i don't think anyone's to blame.  this is something good, terance.. even if they can't be happy for us.  maybe it was harsher than she intended.  she desperately wanted liffey and wraen to like her.. but she loved her new family more than anything else.

i don't know, she said, feeling the warmth of his cheek against the thinning fur of her sides.  olive had three, and she was huge.  i reckon i don't have very much longer now, and i'm not so huge.  but who knows?  maybe she was carrying a bunch of very small babies.

she wanted to ask if he had ever talked to wraen about those bird names, but now probably wasn't the best time.  she heaved herself onto the ground, waving a paw and inviting terance down if he wanted to join her.  she rolled onto her back to sunbathe.  you're a good person, you know.

he could have bailed, left her with these kids that she so desperately wanted.  but he was supporting her, and despite what was unspoken between them, she knew she would always have that.

he didn't agree. but how did he get that across to her?

"wraen has just... always had my back. always. she followed me to the teekon wilds and then to sunspire but i feel like every conversation we have is her treating me like i'm a pup-- like she's better than me-- like she's so much wiser," he said, his voice sounded more bitter than it did angry. he was quiet for a moment, recollecting after such a wall of words. "she always plays the victim," said terance, who always played the victim. 

he hadn't visited olive's children-- not yet. he would eventually... maybe. no, definitely. it was his job. he couldn't fail at his job, not now. "i'd be happy with even just one," he told her, sinking to the ground beside her. he didn't roll on his back-- he didn't really have a big ole stomach to plan around-- instead laying on his stomach, leaning to one side so that he could face seabreeze better. 

he didn't know what to say. he didn't agree. instead, terance gave a soft huff and bent forward to nudge her cheek. he appreciated the sentiment, at least.

she was not a fan of this dark-and-broody terance, but he had every right to be so she said nothing of the sort.  of course, she didn't understand; she'd always been alone.  nobody had ever had her back.  except for now.

so she imagined what it would be like if terance turned on her, and it hurt worse than she would have liked to admit.  her jaw set as she mulled over his words.  maybe he regretted whatever was between them.  maybe that's why he was being so closed off.  maybe she was better off not knowing.  she closed her eyes for a moment and just let the sun beat down on her.

me too, as long as it has your eyes.  or the darkness of your coat.  or your ambition.  she couldn't help but smile a bit.  she rolled a bit, locking one of her legs over his.  but wraen can get over it.  you and i will have our family.  so will olive, so will liffey and 'noch.  but ours — she's their aunt.  i'm sure once she sees them... she'll soften up.  and maybe she won't treat you so badly.  because that was the magic of babies, right?

and if she doesn't, then i've got your back.  i'd follow you anywhere, too.  she was kind of a shoddy replacement for a lifelong sister... but hopefully, it'd do.

oh fuck, oh god damn. terance gave a soft, forced couch, averting his gaze from seabreeze entirely. "you're gonna make me cry, ocean eyes," he said with a small chuckle, gritting his teeth to stop himself from being overly emotional. did she mean all that? no one could lie that much-- or that in depth, right? not right to your face, anyway? terance doubted it, and the comments filled a bit of hope into his heart, which, ever since his conversation with wraen, had bleeding out anxiety and fear. but, besides all that mess, terance realized he really wanted to say something else.

but he couldn't say it, not after all they'd talked about before. not yet, not right now-- but he felt it. 

"i'd never leave you," he said instead, looking back to her. he held her gaze for a moment before pressing his nose to her cheek, then resting his head on her chest. "i'm stealing this patch of sun," he added, a small shift in mood from the previously dampened terance.

She didn't know what to say to make it better -- but maybe it already was?  She took his comment as a good sign at least.  It also made her feel a little bit better about everything, especially once he GOT DIRECTLY IN THE WAY OF THE SUNLIGHT she had been soaking up!!!

She untucked her chin from her throat and touched the top of his head, messing up the fur beneath her nose.  Good, she said, kind of choked up too, as a general response to both of his statements.

And then, out of nowhere, I think I love you.

oh come on, seabreeze, you always steal the spotlight, don't you? terance lifted his head to see her, studying her carefully for a few moments. she was beautiful, in every way-- maybe moreso now that terance knew she was carrying his children. well, maybe she deserved the spotlight. "i know i do," terance returned gently. was he ready for a relationship? maybe not, it was... a sensitive topic. enough time had passed where he didn't think about lyra every passing day but, he still thought about her.

but why? what had she ever given him? nothing but a broken heart.

but still, terance had no question he meant what he said. "i love you too," he clarified softly, leaning to press his nose to her cheek.

It wasn't what she expected; surely he could feel her heart beat against the walls of her chest.  She remained quiet for some time, unabashedly letting her eyes graze over his big beefy man-ness.  Mato hadn't been like this; Mato had not been a lot of things.  (There were other things he had been that she did miss).

She smiled gently, genuinely.  She wanted to tease him, she wanted to say, cool, but that probably would have been inappropriate and lame.  Maybe later.

So what now?  That was the one thing she didn't want to ask.  Did you ever talk to anyone about those bird names? would suffice instead, for now.

"what about ibis?" terance said, looking down at her with his head canted to one side. had he spoken to anyone? no. he and wraen weren't speaking. but he remembered the name, he thought it was nice, he hoped she agreed. he didn't bring up wraen again though, he hoped she wouldn't ask for anymore, because he didn't have any others and... he didn't want to talk to wraen. 

and if wraen found out they'd said all this? ugh. what'd she say? oh so you're in love now because it's convenient? maybe not, wraen wasn't cruel. but... still. terance thought of only the worst.

She had enough sense not to ask about Wraen, given their previous discussion.  I love it, she supplied instead, How about Ibis Cerulean?  Now she was getting giddy, of course, talk about the babies always did that to her.  And maybe if there's a boy, Okeanos.

"i think that's perfect," terance said softly, moving to press his nose into her cheek. maybe they could relish in this for just a moment-- as long as they were allowed to. terance wanted nothing else. 

but of course, peace never lasted. his mind buzzed. as hard as he tried to be calm and glowing in the situation that made him oh so happy-- terance couldn't help but worry. about wraen, and his unborn children-- and rannoch and liffey, and the safety of the pack. and what did this mean for him and seabreeze? he loved many people, but did that mean she wanted their relationship to be defined? bound? terance didn't know. he didn't ask. 

"i hope they're as perfect as you are," he said instead, watching her with a quiet gaze. and then the pair tossed back names to one another for the rest of the afternoon, though it was mostly seabreeze who came up with names and terance who agreed that they were all lovely.