Broken Boulder pisces

She had woken a few days back with what she thought was a head cold.  She was sneezy and felt as if she might be feverish, but if she could recall correctly this time of year seemed to be rough on her allergies and not to mention she was very predisposed to illness of any kind.  She really thought nothing of it.

But now the ache had settled in her bones and she felt like she'd been run over.  Ugh.  She went out into the Sanctuary to find some herbs, although it was a bit harder for her here just because she wasn't quite used to the territory yet.

She wondered how everyone was settling in.  The babes that had been here were not taking onto her young ones well and it concerned her, and she hadn't seen much from @Kaali.  Delight and Alarian were more or less wrapped up in their own drama.  Come to think of it, Olive was really the only one she'd seen much of.

What a shame.  She'd have to remedy that, if they were going to live here long-term.  

it is cool and cloudy for a late summer day, but for the weather, Kaali has no complaints. she has endured far warmer and far colder--what grievance should she bear for nearly ideal conditions? so many conversations start off with a complaint regarding the weather--

but now she does not have even that to lean on as she approaches Seabreeze, walking in the opposite direction.

there is a peculiar new stench to the mother that Kaali now notices; it is sweet but sour, pungent. not overwhelming, but a faint note lining Seabreeze's usual fresh aroma. casting it aside for now, the witch squares herself up with a chuff of greeting and prepares herself for the revelation she's been half-dreading, half-lusting for:

her sisters are settled, and now it is time for her to be on her way.

"Seabreeze," she greets, her voice chiming out like tiny bells on the wind. "how are you, sister? are ye settling in all right?" she sounds nonchalant, like nothing at all is the matter.

but does she see the finality writ clear across Kaali's face?

it must be ugly, like a scar.

Kaali's approach is silent.  Seabreeze is somewhat taken by this woman; not in the same way that Olive has enchanted her, but something similar.  Kaali, she says, obviously congested.  She laughs a bit nervously at it, worried about seeming ugly and unattractive.  I am well.  I think I have a head cold.

There is something deeper in Kaali's face that is easy enough for the therapist to read.  Is something the matter?  Maybe Kaali was beginning to feel it, too.

she clucks her tongue, shaking her head in genuine remorse. "too early for a head cold," she murmurs, looking with a jaundiced eye at the boulder. yet another reason why this place is the pits of hell. men--who by themselves foul the entire sanctuary--a colony of small felines running the joint, and now illness, which shouldn't come until the first cold wind of fall.

Kaali lets out a shuddering breath at Seabreeze's question, lips pulling tight in a troubled frown. she glances over her shoulder, ears swiveling as if making sure no one was eavesdropping.

not like she cares--they would know soon enough. but she does not trust these wolves.

she trusts no one.

"sister, why did you leave your man behind, only to come to the shelter of another?" Kaali asks, voice plaintive and pitched low. "surely there are plenty of women in these parts willing to come to your aid. you must know--ye must!--that men want nothing from you but your womb."

does she know? she must know! the woman had left her children's father at the sunspire, she had heard. why were they now, then, under the paws of a pair of his brothers?

Kaali's question offends her greatly.  She did not leave her husband for another man — but wait, what is this about a womb?  Her brows furrow and she laughs (only mentally, of course, she wouldn't dare show it in front of this intimdiating woman).  Delight and Alarian, Kaali, they're gay.  They're not.. into girls.

And as for women?  I have all the support I need with Olive, and now you by my side.  There is something to be said about the companionship of women, isn't there?  Sisterhood is so unique.

She offers an uneasy smile.  Was this it?  Was she just worried that Seabreeze would get used again?  God, she is so dense.  I will be nobody's womb any longer, with the two of you, and Delight and Alarian.

she has heard the notion before, and her conversation with Delight had opened her eyes just barely. . .but she has been too long set in her ways to lap this up. cognitive dissonance is a hell of a thing to overcome; for Kaali, it was better that she shake off the offending bit of reason and latch onto the ideals carved into her by blood and fire.

"i've heard that one before," she counters, with a small chuckle. "gay now, but they'll be on your back the minute your heat starts." Kaali pauses, thinking. "after all, aren't those older whelps Delight's?" she adds, her mouth twisting in a wicked smile.

sweet, sweet confirmation bias.

she shakes her head, her face morphing into something sad--almost scared. (it's all feigned. . .but that's beside the point.) "i know you trust them, sister," she continues, her voice quieter than before. "but you shouldn't. and i can't. ever."

It was an arrangement, she blurts too suddenly, incensed for her mild mannered friend.  Surely Delight hadn't cornered Queenie... right?  She knew he wasn't into women... but Queenie wasn't here to attest to that, anymore.  Are you leaving, then?  This is their home.. I can't take that from them.  And the children are just settling in...  Although that's a lie, too.  The other kids don't even like hers.

she is saddened that Seabreeze makes excuses for him, saddened that she has been duped into believing the lies that have been fed to her from day one. Kaali hangs her head slightly, unable to muster even a shit-eating grin at the woman's obvious discord (had it been an arrangement? wasn't it always?).

she had thought them different women. women who knew. and she had been wrong.

"i cannot live alongside men, Seabreeze," she insisted, voice firm. "i will not sacrifice my values for the sake of a warm bed." she lifts her eyes to meet the other's--so beautiful! so sad. . .--an astonished expression blooming over her face.

"you should not either. for your daughter's sake. . .for your son's sake. he will learn from them, and anything we teach him will be undone." there is despair painting each and every word as she speaks; the more she goes on, the more she fervently--

truly!--

wants Seabreeze to understand. to sweep away Olive and all the babes, and come away from this dreadful place.

She had been mistaken about Kaali.  Her lip tightened, ears flattened.  Her tail stopped swaying.  I can accept that you can't live with them.  Delight is my best friend.  What would you say, if it was a man speaking like this about a woman?  Would you believe him sexist?

She sighs.  A wolf's value should not be centered around whether or not they have a penis.  My sons.. are going to grow up with two of the best mothers they could have.  Terance's son will have a dad who loves him.  

Kaali, you will always have a home where I am.  But I understand, if you must go.

Mature Content Warning

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The participants have indicated the following reason(s) for this warning: quasi-graphic details of past rape & murder

despair turns slowly to anger, like a skewer of meat over a fire. over and over and over. . . her words go unheard and yet very much so heard, each one of them pounding a drum in Kaali's mind. the things she spits. the concepts she has created.

she knows nothing--nothing! she has been duped, utterly so.

and Kaali, well and truly roasted over the coals of her fury, explodes the moment Seabreeze shuts her mouth.

"i have heard a man speak about a woman like this!" she snaps, fur bristling, her fangs seeking blood. "my father. the filth he spoke. 'whores, sluts, witches, all of them!'" Kaali groans, in hoarse mockery of the man who resided--she shuddered to think of it--in half her blood. "the names he called me, my sisters. . .my mother."

"you like that, fucking cunt?" he'd fucked her even as she lie cold and still, the pool of crimson from her ravaged throat growing larger as he thrusted. her sisters cowered in the shadows, crying.

but Kaali waited--

"you like that, fucking cunt?" she'd whispered it in his ear as he'd taken his last breath, glassy eyes staring horrified up at her. his little whore. the one he'd created.

everyone had regrets, upon their deathbed. and so Kaali lives to be their last regret.

"i grew up in a world where a wolf's value was centered around whether or not they had a penis," she continues, a little more composed now, as she took the moment to think on that vivid, macabre memory. "and Seabreeze--we grew up in the same world. open your eyes.

"he raped my mother, every day. he raped my sisters, too--and me. i could bear it. they could not. and he killed her. he was going to kill us, too. i was not going to let that happen."

her eyes are emerald ice as she stares at the woman, no mercy in the lines of her still-young face. no sadness, anymore. no pity. she does not pity a woman who knows--and denies!--the hard truths of what it is to be a woman. what it is to be used by men.

"no man should live," Kaali concludes. "all the men i've ever known were just like my father. they are a blight. don't you know? why can't you see?"

What Kaali has lived through would break a lesser woman.  It had broken the Governor's own sister (although this fact was unknown to Seabreeze).  Her rape and torture had turned her into something sharp, seductive and deceptive.  

Seabreeze might have been able to understand Kaali, to reach a paw out to her and help her through her trauma had the woman not uttered one phrase: no man should live.  Kaali sought to isolate Seabreeze and Olive from their friends, so what?

Her voice is calm but her body raises to its full potential, guard hairs on end.  Would you kill my sons, Kaali?  She snaps her teeth as a warning, seaglass eyes shattered to something sharp and weaponized.  Would you take them from me?

She takes a step closer.  Would you do it now, while they are still infants?  Would you crush them between your teeth while you are still able?  Another.  Or would you wait until they were older?  That wouldn't be for their sake, then, hmm?  It'd be for yours.  You're fine with killing men.  Are you fine with committing infanticide?

this?

this was all she gleaned?

she understands the motherly love for her children, but this is ridiculous. if the woman wants to play this game, this petty, ridiculous game of would yous, suitable only for a freshman ethics course--

game on.

"do not twist my words into something ugly," Kaali snarls, shoving her nose forward, mere inches from the woman's face. "did i not come with you here, accompany your sons here? i could have killed them and been done with it, long ago. even done so gently, in their sleep. for their sake."

the idea makes her stomach heave violently. men was one thing, but children?! dear Seabreeze. her heart bled nobly, but for the wrong reasons.

"they are--were--redeemable. until you brought them here." Kaali jerks her head toward the boulder. "those men have nothing but evil to teach them. by placing your sons in the paws of men, already tainted by this world, you have given them up to the inevitable."

Kaali is breathing hard, ribs heaving with the effort to stay and not flee. this was getting too much to handle, too quickly. she didn't want this, didn't want this sanctuary, these men--

she had only wanted to help women in need. she had done so, and now she must go.

your sons will hurt women, just like their fathers, and their fathers before them. by coming here, you have doomed them. either they will take the dignity of the ones who will give them children--or i will take their lives, when they are grown.

but all the words she has left will go unsaid. she takes a step back, then another--not fleeing, just yet, but giving up the verbal argument. she has nothing more to say to this incredibly short-sighted, mule-headed woman;

and she will never concede that by digging in her heels, on this issue,

she has the impenetrable skull of an ass, as well.

Your words are ugly.  Her sons were the sweetest boys the world had been blessed to know.  This was how every mother saw her children, yes, but Okeanos and Sam were so whole and kindhearted that to think that one day, no matter how much love she poured into them that they could turn into that was something beyond her.  

They don't need redeeming.  It takes all of her effort to remain bullheaded on this issue, but she wills her body not to quake and her voice not to waver.  My sons are respectful.  They are kind.  And no matter what this unkind world has done to you, there are greater evils, Kaali.  My sons will be raised and live to fight that evil.

"i hope so." no fire remains from her earlier tirade; she is utterly spent. she is able to launch an extended assault upon men--it must be so--but women wear her down much faster. they are her sisters, after all--

perhaps deserving of her anger, sometimes, but not the primary recipients.

at the end of the day, she loves Seabreeze. she loves Olive, and all their children. even the boys. if they stay true. . .if these women are able to overcome an insurmountable hurdle and these young lads are the exception to the rule. . .

if anyone can do it,

it's these two women.

"i will go, now," she says, giving Seabreeze one last, long look. "i am sorry that we do not share the same truth. give my love to Olive and the babes."

her work is not yet over. but here, it stalls. she is faced with nothing but atrophy at the sanctuary, and it cannot stand. she must leave and not look back. there is the chance, still, that one day their paths will cross again.

it was not their time.

the murdress turns and pads away, without a glance back. she will head north, into the land of constant ice. there, her heart will freeze once more. Seabreeze and Olive melted it--

it is necessary.