Golden Glade and the bleak, cold breath of her still haunts me

Set on May 25. Mobile posting so this is poop but I wanted to go ahead and get it going.

Raven’s world was crumbling. Towhee and Phox were leaving, and now Wildfire was dead. Gone forever. The one person in the world that Raven trusted most was gone, and the last remaining child from Peregrine and Fox’s first litter felt completely lost and dead inside.

Numbness and nausea plagued her as she and @Quixote made their way back to the plateau after saying their goodbyes. Her mate’s presence was the one source of strength and solace she had — she truly could not imagine going through this without him. Nearly halfway through her pregnancy now, the physical exhaustion was beginning to catch up to the emotional weariness she already felt and she stopped walking for a bit, sitting down to take a break in the midst of a gorgeous little forest that hugged the flank of their plateau. She could see the outline of their home ahead through the brilliantly green canopy, and she thought for a moment how unfair it was that the world should still be so vibrant and beautiful when one of the most vibrant, beautiful souls she had ever known was gone from its plane. She sighed miserably and looked at Quixote, something in her eyes pleading for some sort of reason although she knew he had no answers.

Everything had gone all disaster.  Though obviously he didn't know Wildfire nearly as well as most of the others, it wasn't like her death didn't effect him.  At least, directly.  Indirectly, everyone else's sorrow weighed on him -- feeling like somehow he was useless, that it wasn't fair, that he was out of place, other things too.  His ears were basically permanently slicked back at this point as he traveled close to Raven's side.  He kept looking over to her as they traveled, barely paying enough attention to where he was going so he didn't trip over his own paws.  He worried.

When she sat, he did so next to her, reaching out to kiss the top of her head, then her cheek.  Qui looked at Raven with a sort of faintly desperate expression.  She wanted answers, he wanted direction.  He wanted to stop feeling useless and it didn't seem like the world was ever going to let him feel that way.  Something would always go wrong.  Can I do anything for you?  Anything to distract them, to feel like something was being done.  Maybe he should hunt something.  Or he could just sit around and preen her and try to distract her from the world.  Probably wouldn't end up being too effective given how much stuff had piled up.

Back luck seemed to haunt them like a plague. It never failed -- when things were going well and they were happy, something always seemed to happen to bring misery and pain. Perhaps it was a curse attached to the Redhawk name, or perhaps it was just how life went. Are you happy? the universe would ask, and at an answer of yes, Well, that's not cool. Here, have some awful misfortune. That should fix things. Perhaps she should have taken Quixote's surname after all. Maybe ditching the Redhawk name would throw off whatever cosmic ghosts were following her around raining bad things down on her and her family. She knew this was a completely irrational line of thought, but in these moments, Raven wasn't in her most logical frame of mind.

Poor Qui, though. He seemed to be forever caught up in the maelstrom of drama and heartache that engulfed this family. And though he didn't really have a chance, he still tried his best to fight and swim against the currents that kept them lost and drowning in sorrows. Even now, he searched for ways to help her. But she didn't know what to say, honestly. She gazed at him miserably for a few seconds before her attention was distracted by a bird flitting from the ground up into the canopy. So green, so lush. It really was beautiful here. "I hate the plateau," she said suddenly, a note of bitterness in her voice as if the place where they lived had somehow brought all of this on. "I always have. I want to move." With that last statement, she turned her yellow eyes back to him.

His ears tipped sideways.  Yeah.  He understood, reaching out to tap just under her chin with the bridge of his nose.  Qui spoke softly, You know it's never been my first choice.  But yeah.  Maybe we could do so this year? Before it gets hard to do so again.  Pups seemed to roll right into winter which then rolled right into the spring again.  If the world had been kinder, perhaps it would be a happy sort of cycle, but this wasn't the first time moving had been discussed.  Before it had come with the shadow of somehow disrespecting Raven's sister, but now Quixote felt like it wasn't that way any longer.

He was still ignoring what was around him.  Qui was a little bit oblivious when it came to the world beyond Raven, especially at times like these.  As long as they weren't being actively hunted by something bigger and meaner, he'd tune it all out.  Anywhere in mind?  Whatever we pick can be ours.  Our choice, our new memories.  Not Towhee's. Not a hawk's.  Not a place that had memories of Screech, of Niamh freaking out, over panicking over one wolf or another disappearing.  Something fresh and new.  That would help, wouldn't it?

In a perfect world, she would have opted immediately to return to the caldera. The place of her birth, that stately mountain upon whose bowed and broken shoulders rested the name of her family, had always and would forever hold a special place in her heart. She would always long to be there again, but alas, that was a move far too complicated for her to make on a whim. It was a terribly long distance to drag her pack — she wouldn’t soon forget the tiresome journey it had been getting here from there — and to do so while pregnant was just asking for problems. Furthermore, there was the possibility that Blackfeather still lived near there. And besides, she didn’t want to be far from the Firebirds. Even though her sister no longer led them, she hoped that whomever took up the reins would maintain their relationship as sister packs. And when Towhee and Phox finally made their move, she hoped they’d settle somewhere close to here too.

Qui’s response was what she hoped it would be, and she smiled faintly at him. She was silent for a few moments more as the bright chatter of birds tinkled around them in the treetops. When she finally did speak, her proposal was simple: ”How about right here?”

A pause.  Here?  Blink.  He finally looked away to pay just a sliver attention to where he'd followed her.  He'd been through this forest numerous times just due to its proximity.  He hadn't though too much of it one way or another, which was probably a good thing in the end.  It wasn't bad, at least, and most of the time when he didn't have a super strong opinion on something that meant it was probably just fine.  To a certain point he'd kind of surrendered to the fact they were going to be stuck on the Plateau forever because that was what Towhee had picked and it seemed like it'd be an insult to her to go and say everyone was gonna move because they didn't like it.  He'd been expecting that he'd have to go off on some big ol' search and would be gone for a week just checking everything out for something perfect.

This was a hell of a lot more simple.  I -- uh.  Yeah, it might be a good fit.  And it's got some damn trees, at least.  Do you want to go look around a bit?  If it seems like a good choice, that'd certainly simplify things...  He wouldn't have to go on a trip and potentially leave her behind.  That was just asking for trouble.  Qui finally looked back to her, tilting his head.  If Raven wasn't up to it, he'd understand.  But if it was another good distraction...

She felt a rush of relief as Quixote faltered for a moment and then agreed with her. It really was a pretty good spot, and so close to the plateau that it hardly merited the word “moving”. Part of her wondered why Towhee hadn’t chosen this place instead of the plateau, but Raven didn’t blame her entirely for the choice she’d made — she’d been young, after all, and had relied mostly on X’s judgement. While a lofty, bare plateau wasn’t ideal for wolves, it certainly seemed like a choice spot for a hawk. It actually made a lot of sense when she thought of it from that perspective.

To his proposal, she answered, ”Sure.” Walking about and exploring the area, perhaps laying down a few cursory territory markers, would give her something proactive to do to distract her from her grief, at least temporarily. As they began to walk together, she looked up at the bright canopy overhead and said with no small degree of relish, ”It’ll be so good to have trees overhead again.”

This did seem to be the right thing, in more ways than one.  He wouldn't miss everyone easily hunting birds while he struggled, either.  At least Owen was probably past the worst of his uh... Issues?  Paranoia?  Whatever.  It would be a nice place to live, and thus give him less to fret about.  Maybe.  His eyes stayed more earthward, peeking around each treetrunk and bush, maybe looking for whatever monsters might lurk as they started their wandering.  At least so far it all seemed peaceful.  Yeah. I think it'll be easier on everyone, too.  Weather should be less of a problem, not matter what season... Hopefully the trees will take the brunt of it.

There was one kind-of-problem maybe.  An amusing one, and in the grand scheme of things, not really a big deal, We'll have to find you a new den, though. -- But on the other hand, have you seen what Vasa's done to the one on the Plateau?  Maybe it's a good thing.  It was full of a collection of rocks, antlers, various sticks, bones, feathers... Basically anything that wasn't tied down.  He'd mentioned it in passing, sure, and that at least once he'd stopped by to try to reclaim it only to run into her doing the whole "No you cannot come in my room" kind of thing.  He had to sneak back a different time to see why.  There had to be somewhere better here.

She chuckled at his mention of Vasa, wholly aware of what he was talking about. Their daughter had become something of a connoisseur of the random and bizarre, filling their old den with all sorts of weird (and admittedly, interesting) little finds. She wondered how the girl would feel about leaving all of that behind. Then again, it wasn't like they'd be very far from there. Perhaps she could still keep her treasures in her little hiding place up on the plateau. Or maybe she'd jump at the opportunity to start herself a new stash. "I'm sure we'll find something decent," she replied to his comment about having to find a new den. There were so many little nooks and crannies in this forest that she wasn't worried about finding a private little hideaway to have her pups. The prospect of moving gave her so much to think about that, while the death of her sister still burned inside like a thousand icepicks carving out the walls of her chest, it at least gave her some distraction from the misery of it all.

"How are you holding up with everything that's happened? Are you doing okay?" she asked after a brief pause, suddenly aware that while she'd been so absorbed in her own reeling thoughts and emotions, she hadn't stopped to consider Quixote's. He always handled stress remarkably well, all things considered, but she also knew that he was the type to bottle things up until they boiled over.

This was one of the cases where the distance he been at from some of the rest of the wolves in the area at was a little bit of an advantage, even if when he looked back at it he felt calloused.  He didn't know if it'd all hit him later or if this was just something he reacted to differently than her. I think so.  But would it end up effecting her more if he said?  He wanted to take her mind off things.  It's a lot to untangle at once.  I don't know what to think about Towhee and Phox.  Maybe it'll be better in the end.  But... The timing.  He didn't mention Wildfire directly, but when his ears tipped back again, it was probably pretty obvious what he was referencing.  Things had just been so busy since she had arrived in the area that he'd never really had a chance to meet Wildfire more than fleetingly.  It hadn't seemed like a rush, really.  Too bad it actually had been.  It was too late to take things back now.  He reached out to Raven, This is when I'm supposed to be here for you.  So let me do that.  He was here for whatever she needed -- a new start, safety, comfort, something.  If he could provide it, he would.

She nodded in agreement with his comment on the timing of things. It really couldn't have been worse, though there was no way Towhee and Phox could have foreseen Wildfire's death. The whole subject of them moving still rankled and twisted inside her, but she was forcing herself to stay level-headed and calm about it for all of their sakes. The last thing she wanted, the last thing any of them needed, was a rift in the family on top of everything else. If keeping the peace and facilitating everyone's happiness meant swallowing her own feelings and putting on a happy face, she could do that. It most definitely wouldn't be the first time.

"You're always here for me," she replied tenderly, her gaze finding his for a moment as she kissed his cheek. "Just know that I'm here for you too. Always." Because Qui was the king of the world of emotional baggage and repression, and she always wanted to make it very clear that he didn't have to carry that weight alone.

Every time he had to wonder how it was that such an amazing woman hadn't gone and turned him down for someone else -- someone better or something.  Hell, if you asked around, it certainly had seemed like many found him quite dislikeable once they got to know him.  Oh well.  Can't please everyone, but he'd certainly try to please the ones that mattered the most.

Since the writer is pretty sure they were still walking along, it was probably pretty awkward for Quixote to embrace her as they moved through the forest, but heck, he'd try.  And if he knew what he was missing by not having arms, he probably bemoan that fact -- it would have made things much easier.  Right now I just need you to be okay as you can be.  For our pack, our family.  All of that.  -- If it means moving, we should do it.  If you want to lay low until the pups come, fine.  If you want to do more work to keep your mind off things, sure.  Anything, everything.  We can worry about me being a walking disaster later.  Something would probably come up.  It often did.  Though hopefully it wouldn't be brought about from anything else major.