The scars that are too fresh

ooc: after pack meet, before Ferdie comes to plateau @Blue Willow

Hawkeye had walked away as quickly as possible after the pack meet, and, once away from the crowd, bolted to the back of the land. She found herself at the small waterfall and pond that Ariston found so long ago. The black girl smiled fondly, but bitterness still dribbled its way across her tongue, making her narrow her brow.

Sighing, Hawkeye tapped the water with her paw, trying to figure things out in her head. What do I do? followed by: Should I leave? Where would I go? Her thoughts briefly landed on Ferdie Von Pelt, but she decided against putting any pressure on him. Whether she admitted it or not (which she was unsure of at the moment), she cared for the male.

Blue had too wanted some alone time and traveled towards the outer lands unsure where she would go but needing time to think. she saw the faces this would have serious ramifications but peregrine was right he was law and she would support him but the angst of her pack mates she would also have to deal with.

she traveled towards a small inlet only to come upon HAwkeye. She chuffed gently would you like company she stood a little ways away and simply waited if it were unwanted she would gladly leave realizing this couldn't be easy for hawkeye.

Hawkeye looked behind herself when she heard the faint voice of Blue Willow. The Alpha asked the scar-faced female if she'd would like company and who was Hawkeye to deny her? "I don't mind," she said, not because Blue Willow was the Alpha, but because she didn't really care.

Hawkeye sighed, causing her face to twitch and a hissing noise to come from her mouth. The scar was still fresh and no one had seemed to care so far, except Thistle Cloud. "So." Hawkeye glanced sideways at Blue. "How are you feeling about everything? You can tell me... I won't say anything." Her voice was quiet and gentle, but serious. It sounded as if she was exhausted and worn down, which wasn't far from the truth.

Blue was unsure how she would be received, but she had never been called a coward. So she strode forward having seen the marks on the other’s face, but had as of yet to ask if they were okay, but she took the time to do so now. I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to ask if you need my help with your face, but it looks as if you have been healed, but is there anything I can do and whomever it is you must pass my thanks on to her or him. She studied the clear claw marks guessing she must have gotten it in the fight with the cougar to bring Junior home. Blue sighed and said quietly I don’t really have much to say. I think it is rather rash, but I also respect Peregrine’s word as law so even if I did disagree with it I would not say anything until I had cause too. Does that make sense? She frowned as she thought she would get to know this fox and if something were to spark her to be upset she would certainly open her mouth and she would not even be kind if the fire furred woman attempted to hurt or belittle anyone that was below her, Blue knew some leaders did this. I will get to know her and if I see something worrying I will go to Peregrine immediately or take care of it myself if I must. Are you okay with this? I know it must not be easy.

Hawkeye gave a nod and said, "The one who healed me.. her name is Thistle Cloud. She and her mate took care of Junior when she disappeared... I will forever be grateful to her." Hawkeye paused. She was trying to walk on tippy-toes while speaking. She hadn't exactly been friendly to Blue Willow when she was upset about being ditched my Peregrine. She hadn't be completely rude, either, but Hawkeye felt as if she should say something. Just not yet. "Is there anything else you can do for the claw marks? They sting when I widen or squint my eyes." At that moment, Hawkeye stupidly squinted her eyes and sucked in air through her teeth. "Well, I'm an idiot... but I guess that was a good example." The pastel-eyed wolf smiled smally at Blue Willow.

The large dark female listened carefully to Blue Willow's words, still looking into the water. It's a little more than 'rash' she thought internally. She wanted to say so out loud, as well as some other comments, but Hawkeye held back. She also refrained from telling Blue Willow about Fox and her abandoning her pack like a jackass. Hawkeye shot a puff of air out of her nose in disbelief, then she looked at the Alpha. "I'm fine. But Peregrine is just thinking with his dick like he always has, instead of thinking what's best for the pack." Fuck it, she thought. "And it is rash putting a wolf that no one knows into the position of Beta. She knows nothing of our history, and she wouldn't be here if it weren't for me making Peregrine Alpha in the first place. He seems to forget these things. As an Alpha, you sometimes need to make sacrifices of your own happiness for the wolves of your pack. He's saying 'take it or leave it' to his pack of loyal followers about a female he probably knows nothing about except for the fact that she makes his dick twitch." The frustrated female ended her long-winded rant and turned to Blue Willow. "You are Alpha just as much as he is. Don't be afraid to go up against him just because he gave you the position or because he is your friend. This isn't about me, this isn't about him finding new... people to fuck, it's about the pack. I may not rule over it anymore or know many members, but this will always be my pack." Hawkeye's brow narrowed slightly in determination. Her right eye twitched with a stinging sensation, but other than that, she made no sound.

Blue smiled Ah yes I have met Ragnar her mate, a bit scary he is. Blue got along with him, but she would not willingly make the man mad, the scars that riddled his pelt and face alone were enough to make the bravest man take pause. She looked around for a moment trying to find some aloe near her. She found a rather small looking stalk, but she placed it on a rock and pressed down with her paw the goop coming out. Sticking a paw under it, she swiped it gently across her face. That's the best i can do for now. That there is aloe vera plant, it's wonderfully soothing on pain and wounds..and if you should get burnt by the sun or the hot springs it is very nice then.

Blue did not say anything at first, but she mulled over Hawkeye's words. yes I will agree that it was rash and perhaps he is thinking...ahem..with a rather delicate part of himself, but she did run a pack before this is my understanding. her lips twitched their own at some of the terrible words that Hawkeye was spewing, it was like fire to her ears, she felt them heating up. She could not help her unease with such language, but she would listen. Yes I have said that they should not have forgotten about you, because regardless of anything you did make sure we were here first. I have told a few that. I do agree that perhaps he should not have said to the pack that he didn't want any argument, but he did tell them they could approach him later about it? I am well frankly this Fox is his mate now and you made him alpha when he became your mate so isn't it common practice to do this? You have to remember Hawkeye this is the only pack i've ever fully been a part of, so some things are a bit lost on me.

Hawkeye pondered Thistle having a "scary" mate, and she couldn't picture it. She was very sweet, though the dark wolf supposed she could have an angry side and control the ropes if needed.

The aloe very was cool, but that didn't stop it from stinging momentarily — but it was only a moment. It feel strange on her face, but it stopped the burning and soothed the pain a bit.

Hawkeye looked away with a scowl on her face. She then looked at Blue Willow. "I was a complete idiot for taking him as my mate so soon and then immediately making him Alpha. I was inexperienced with love, and obviously it was simply him wanting to mate with me, because one I gave birth it wasn't too long until he tossed me aside and acted as if I didn't exist." She paused. "And I certainly didn't have him abandon another pack and then give him a position of great power right away. Shouldn't that say something about Fox? Her leaving her pack without a second thought?" A small growl of frustration escaped her. "Everyone is fucking thinking it, Blue! They just won't say anything." Hawkeye couldn't believe that the pack was allowing Peregrine to be a dictator.

Blue chuckled even the most wild of men could be tamed with the love of a good woman. It was the truth of the matter, look at her father ,he had been wild and wayward footloose and fancy free, but her mother had gotten him straight.

Blue tsked now I wouldn't call yourself an idiot, a little rash certainly, but he did love you and you loved him. I'm not sure what went wrong exactly Hawkeye, but please do not doubt that he loved you at least at one point, as sad as that probably is it is true. blue was confused this was news to her She abandoned them without a leader in her wake? How terrible Blue had to stop and think for a moment what had Fox done, she had told her that the past didn't matter, but now she was finding that maybe it really did, if she had abandoned them without a thought ot their care, that did not a good leader make. Perhaps she should talk to Peregrine or Fox the two who would know firsthand or maybe she should just wait and watch.

Hawkeye looked down. "Maybe he thinks he did... but love doesn't just 'stop', Blue Willow. You and Atticus... I am not sure how serious you two are, but if something happened to him — if he were depressed, injured, kidnapped by another pack — and you two had a family together.. would you stop loving him? I gave him leadership, I gave him pups, and when I was most vulnerable, he cut the cord. I have moved on from my feelings for him, but I won't ever forgive him for breaking a promise to me." She thought she was over it, but now the she-wolf felt raw and defeated.

"I assume someone stepped up once she left them, but why would you leave a pack — one you lead, one you protect, one you should love — for a mate that you hardly know? And then you bypass wolves who have been in the pack and earning their ranks just to give your lover the Beta position? She doesn't even know any of us." Hawkeye scoffed. "At least when I made Peregrine Alpha, he had already proven himself in the pack and was a high rank. If you give some wolves power, though, they will abuse it." The female looked at Blue. "At least you are a good leader, Blue." Hawkeye smiled slightly. "As long as you are Alpha, I don't think the pack will fail. You'll keep it afloat." If it wasn't for her faith in Blue Willow, the sharp-eyed female would have been long gone.

Blue smiled softly and spoke quietly Of course I wouldn't, but I think you already knew the answer to that Hawkeye, but then too I am a different wolf than most, not to say any other's are bad. Blue frowned My father always told me that broken promises led to broken wolves perhaps he was right.

Blue frowned thinking hard perhaps there were other reasons she left, but I do not know i have not completely talked ot the girl, she tends to stick to Peregrine like glue. She shrugged then, she hadn't spoken to the red fire wolf, but she would soon especially now. Blue smiled and spoke quietly I will do my best as long as I remain a leader. Not knowing that all too soon her world would be blown wide apart and she would have to step down, but she would continue to care for her pack, her family as best she could.

Hawkeye nodded, agreeing that Blue Willow was different, as was Atticus. Her chest felt heavy with how foolish she was (and guilt due to Blue Willow) for not picking Atticus. She was sure that they would have fit better, which is why she kept going between the two brothers. The female had not yet learned that pondering on what ifs were not healthy, and did nothing to fix problems.

A weak smile came with Blue's next words. "Your father sounds like a smart wolf. I can always pick the pieces back up and stick them together, though things are easier to break then next time around. She paused, thinking for only a moment before going with the thought. "I think it's like Kisu. He has lost children and two mates, yet he continues on. He is strong on the outside, but his eyes are sad. Defeated, almost. I hope things look up for him soon." The female would have gone on to say — as a joke — that maybe Blue should saddle up with him to cheer him up, but wasn't sure if it was appropriate. Hawkeye always used humor to break tension, but she was trying to focus on it for once instead of pushing it aside.

"Sticking to someone like glue is not healthy. It shows weakness, like she can't do things on her own. It's like she's a lost pup." Hawkeye shrugged. "Whatever. I will probably leave soon. I'm just tired of this shit." She sighed right before Blue talked about remaining a leader. "For the pack's sake, I hope you can make things better. As an Alpha your word is law." Hawkeye made her voice deeper to mock Peregrine from the meet, a hearty laugh bouncing from her chest.

If blue had known that Hawkeye was feeling guilty she would have told her the truth, that if she and Atticus had been an item. They would not be having this conversation, because simply put Atticus would not have spent time with her in a more personal sense she didn’t believe, so why should she feel guilt for feeling bad about not choosing the right man. Though, Blue felt that everything happens for a reason, so she would have told Hawkeye simply that she did everything that was supposed ot happen to her, regardless of whether it hurt or not. Blue chuckled my father is a smart man. Have you met him yet? He’s here now he’s the male Sun Spark, he unfortunately came here to die. She frowned at that, but did not say anything more life and death, it was a part of life. Blue listened, she felt that Hawkeye did not give herself enough credit, she was a hardy passionate wolf, she would find love again it was only a matter of time. Do you not sell your self so short hawkeye, you will find love again and it will be true. Sometimes we have to take the wrong path, to get to the right one. She smiled then, but her thoughts turned to ones of contemplation. She thought on Kisu, and felt bad. She hoped he would find love, little did she know he was after her own foster daughter who was so many years his junior. Blue was open minded though, so if she had known she’d probably not think much on it as it were. Blue had to agree that it was not healthy to become completely dependent on another wolf, it was unhealthy and it could cause problems in the long run. She was alarmed at her former leader’s next words and stared at her for a moment. Oh Hawkeye I hope you don’t do that, or at least don’t feel that I somehow made you want to leave I would feel awful, and I like having you here. Without you there would be no us anyway. She smiled at the joke made by Hawkeye, but did not comment understanding that Hawkeye was upset with him, however she was not so she would not help to jest at his expense.

The larger wolf shook her head. "No, I haven't met him yet. There are so many new scents here and I try to avoid everyone for the most part. I am sorry he came here to die, but I would definitely want to spend time with my own father before he passed. We have a saying in the gypsy pack: 'Who has lived a good life has a good death.' I am sure your father will have a good death — he seems like a good man." Hawkeye was not sure if her words would help or not, but she desired them to be true. Her thoughts landed on Pied for a moment, and she knew Pied's death had to be somewhat good, whether it was that she had healthy babies or that she went on to something better.

A smiled touched the girl's scarred face. She thought of her time with Ferdie at his home. Maybe she could find love again, but she wanted to take things slow. She chuckled when Blue said taking the wrong path can lead to the right one. "Yea, I definitely took the wrong path the first time around, and now I have an ex who likes dudes and chicks and two stubborn and weird kids." Hawkeye realized how fucked up things really were in her life, but she didn't mind. She got herself into the mess, and now she could either fight against it and be in even more distress, or just go with things and be at somewhat peace with it.

Now a weak smile appeared. "I like you and Kisu, and I also met a Finley I like, but... well, I established the pack, and it's all I am good for now. I am unwanted. I don't get asked my opinion on anything, I have no importance. The pack wouldn't be here without me, but it's doing fine without me now." Her words sounded depressing, but no one could deny the fact that they were true. Hawkeye was a ghost in the world she created, and she wanted to be someone who mattered.

Blue willow smiled its okay, however I hate to say this, but you may want to seek him out soon if you want to meet him. I fear my father does not have long for this world. I hope he does, and I hope it is honorable. Blue was not as sad as she could be, she didn’t think. Perhaps it was, because her father; had come here to die. Perhaps she knew he was in pain, and it was just time. She wasn’t entirely sure.

Blue smiled a bit sadly you may have an ex and your kids maybe strange, but I know you would not trade them for the world my friend. Things were not ideal, for Hawkeye that much was true. But Blue did know that, Hawkeye had been meant to have those two children, and she had meant to love Peregrine, even if it were for only a short time. And she herself could not imagine the plateau without the two little girls, of Peregrine and Hawkeye.

Blue listened and felt bad I am sorry Hawkeye that you feel unwanted. Blue had not been asked her opinion either, not really about Lasher/Fox and Peregrine. She had been asked if she would give her blessing, knowing full well that what would come, would come regardless of her blessing or not. She had nothing else really to say to her poor friend, nothing that would make her feel better anyway. This was a rough ordeal and it would be a hard decision anyway Hawkeye and everyone else looked at it.

Hawkeye gave a single nod. "I will definitely try to find him." Hawkeye thought about her own father dying. If it would be a natural death, it would be for a few more years.

"No, I would not trade my children, but I would most definitely change who the father is. In my old pack, you are bonded for life. If there are troubles, they are worked out either though a spiritual hike along, together with your partner, or through a sage. Splitting ways because you have lost feelings on your own is not an acceptable excuse." Hawkeye's brow was narrowed. Leaving a mate was unacceptable in her eyes, and those who did should be shunned.

Hawkeye looked down for a moment when Blue Willow apologized for her feeling unwanted. It was true, though. No one need her, not even the pups. "It's okay, Blue Willow. I know you do not feel the same way, and that helps." Her mind flashed to Ferdie and an inkling of a smile rose upon her face, but only for a split second.

Blue smiled softly he would like that. My father loves to meet new faces. she grew silent immensely pleased that the female before her, she could now call a friend. They had not always been the best of friends, and she was certain there had been some hurt feelings along the way, and she had just found Hawkeye rather aloof, but they were okay now and she was okay with this. It was a shame that they would be friends, just as Hawkeye was leaving, but Blue had no plans to go anywhere, so she would just have to have a friend in another pack and meet her on neutral territory to talk.

Blue sighed I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you went through, are going through or the pain that Peregrine went through to come to this decision. I do know though that it is important not to regret anything, because at the moment in time it was what was meant to be. She truly felt this way too. Everything happened for a reason, and you should not beat yourself up for it.

Blue nodded her head I am glad. She grew quiet then again and sighed looked at Hawkeye she stepped forward gently and ran her muzzle across the other femmes unhurt eye. Go in peace Hawkeye and know you have a friend in me. Then she stood and moved deciding to go their separate ways, unless the other still had more to talk about and she would stay gladly and pass the day.

Hawkeye did not agree that Peregrine had gone through any pain. If he had, he would have reconsidered, or even tried to do things differently. Although, the pathless female could agree that everything happened — or happens — for a reason. She wouldn't be where she was now if it hadn't been for the past. Even if she would also feel a bit bitter about things, her mindset was in "fuck it" mode, and she was going off to be happy.

"And you have a friend in me." A smile touched her scarred face. "If you ever need anything... let me know. I will be there to help you." For once, Hawkeye decided that she would not watch another wolf walk off. This time, she gave a nod to Blue Willow, and she walked the opposite way.