The feeling of emptiness growing inside the young female's stomach had turned into a burden Amelie could no longer bear. The cold fingers of loneliness were wrapping around her neck, caressing her spine slowly as if to torture her. She was no longer able to sleep. The sleeping body of Blue had becomed a stranger to her. Not as if she was to blame, she had been busy -- they all had.
She had thought about moving out before, but had always managed to silence such thoughts with a careless distraction but this time she had had no luck. With a last glance at the place she had found shelter in for those several months. It was hard to look away but it was even harder to stay.
After crawling out and shaking off the dust that clung to her pelt she begun to track down Blue's scent. She walked slowly, not wanting to say what she was going to say, but knowing it had to say. The words that hurted the most were those that were unspoken.
Blue had been so busy with trying to deal with Peregrine leaving them in tatters. And with Atticus's disappearance and then her own plans for the future she had forgotten and neglected the one who loved her unconditionally and had not left her yet. However, she would soon leave her too, and the healer supposed it was only what she deserved for being a poor neglectful mother and she would give her blessing without prejudice and wish her daughter the very best.
Blue awaited the day with such worry and sadness. She did not wish to have bad feelings between the two, especially since she loved Amelie with all her mother's heart and that would never change.
With her feet dragging along the Plateu's floor and her shoulders slumping, Amelie weaved her way between the trees and foliage that adorned the packlands, her eyes resting on them as she passed by. Finally, and to her dispair, it took her less time than she thought to cross paths with the healer that had cured her loneliness when she had brought her into her home and the Plateu.
The yearling's yellow eyes settled onto her face, staying locked with her own until the intensity of their stare and the heaviness upon her heart forced her to look away. She greeted the female with a small wave of her tail, despite the sour news she carried she did not fail to put on a smile for her mother before getting to the point. It was truly saddening that as her smile, her stay was so short-lived. She wished she could force herself to stay, but she knew that sticking around, especially after the current events in the Plateu, it was utterly impossible for her to remain.
"I was looking for you" she barked while making agreat effort not no break down into tears or give any indication of what was up ahead. Though she knew questions would arise during the course of their conversation, and she knew that when this happened she wouldn't be able to hold back it all.
Blue looked at her sadly and with a sad voice spoke softly You are leaving yes? I'm sorry Amelie I believe i've failed at being your mother pretty badly. Then she cut off her words, she did not wish to make this into a pity party, not this should be as happy and full of joy as they could make it, because the separation would be hard.
Without even a single comment or gesture to refer to what she had in mind,she didn't think her mother would guess it so quickly. Had she heard her chocked whines in the middle of the night? Had she noticed the emptyness upon her eyes, or maybe the misery in the way she carried herself? She had tried to hide it all, behind a thick wall of fake smiles, but maybe she was transparent because apparently Blue had seen through it all.
Shame wriggled into her heart, planting a stabbing sensation on the middle of her chest. Then with an pained wince and a knot that threatened to suffocate her, she managed to speak, "You didn't fail, you'll be a great mother" she breathed with a single tear rolling down her cheek. The fact of having learned about her plans with Lasher through the grapevine and not from her own lips had weighed heavily on her decision. Though she still referred to her as a daughter, Amelie knew she would never be it. It was the only thing she couldn't be, and the very thing Blue wanted to have.
Now, Amelie was no stranger to goodbyes, she had had her fair share of them through her early childhood, but somehow it had been easier then -- less painful at least. "I think it's my turn to step aside now.. Mo-Blue" she moaned between the sobs erupting from her chest.
Blue had noticed something was wrong with her foster daughter for some time, but everytime she wanted to ask about it, she was gone off on an adventure. Or Blue got busy, but she should have made the time for her. She should have made sure she was taken care of and happy, she should have taught her more, helped her more everything more. She couldn't love her more than she already did, because that was unencompassing and it was with her whole being, but she could have shown her more.
Blue tilted her head Ah you know of my plans is that what is wrong? I had wanted to tell you myself I just haven't had the time with Finley's getting hurt and the plateau needing me. But I had never fought to keep that from you and as far as I am concerned Amelie I will not be I already have been. You are my daughter in all ways that matter even if you don't feel that way. To me it is truth.
Blue shifted her weight and strode towards her daughter of the heart, and if she would allow she'd give her a wolfish hug. Make her feel better, cause lord knew if she felt half as bad as blue felt right about now, she was feeling absolutely, terribly and without a doubt terrible and nauseous. Blue felt like the worlds biggest cad, and she felt like she had ripped out her own heart and force fed it to herself and it lay in tatters. She hadn't meant to hurt Amelie so badly, but she had been unsure what to do, wanting to give her her space, because it was what she thought she needed. Blue would never make that mistake again.
Streams of hot, salty tears ran down her face as she simply looked at the female's face. She could not stop the high-pitched sobs and from slipping past her lips , and truthfully she didn't even try to. She had been holding back for too long, the mask had falled off the minute Blue confronted her, she was done hiding it all. It was her last chance to pour her heart to Blue, the only wolf (aside from Sun Spark) she had really gotten to love unconditionally during her days in the Plateu. The filter between her heart and her mouth was broken now, there would be no censorship in her words. Not today.
"It doesn't mean anything Blue, I'm happy you've found Lasher. I know for a fact you will make a great mother, and those pups will grow to be magnificent just like you. " she tried to explain, her most sincere smile shining through as she did so. Amelie would never feel jealous of those children. They would have a deeper connection with Blue that was for sure, but they weren't a threat for her. Amelie knew that even if Blue had not planned to carry her own brood upon her belly, she would still be edged to go.
"You're the healer of a big pack, and the Beta -- you are busy and that's okay too Blue. I can't have you to myself, and I don't want to. All the Plateu needs you more than I." she continued, her voice beginning to shatter by this point. Maybe it was an understatement to say she didn't need her, because she did. She needed her to guide her and sometimes even to hold her through those nights when the tears would not stop. But the Plateu needed her all the time. Junior needed her. Saena, Dante and every single one of them needed her more.
The Healer's nect words made her die a little on the inside. In spite of the distance that would soon settle between them, she would never quit looking at Blue as her mother. The name fitted her to perfection, and felt safe on the yearling's mouth. "You'll always be my mother" she croaked with a chocked sniffle. She wished things could be different and she could throw her feeling out her mind and it would all be alright again.
But she couldn't
"But I can't stay.. I feel the Plateu doesn't need me anymore." she barked, "You're an excellent healer, and Saena will soon become a Naturalist. I'm not needed " she added somberly with a dying smile.
She never was really.
More than looking after the pups she had never done much while in the Plateu anyways.
Blue smiled softly I haven't found Lasher, we are not mates. We both love other wolves, and we are just co-parents. She grew quiet, she wanted her daughter to know the truth of the matter, not paint it into a fairytale story, when it wasn't. Granted Yes Lasher was a prince among men, and he was a good man. But she and he both knew that tradition was not something he followed readily.
Blue looked down and spoke softly Just because one needs me more than the other, does not mean that they both are not deserving of my attention. Blue stepped forward and gently nuzzled her foster daughter and preened her rough. You have my blessing Amelie, wherever you go and whatever you do always remember I will always be proud of you. And if it ever gets to be too much ,or you miss home don't even hesitate. There will always be a home for you hear among us with the pack, me and your brothers or sisters or what have you. I will miss you and I love you very much. Then she grew quiet to chocked up to speak much more than that. She would miss her and and she hoped she would do the very best where ever she was. Blue knew she would make a life and be happy and she was so very proud of her.
In a sudden moment of nostalgia, her mind trailed back to the day their paths had been wonderfully tied together. They had been perfect for the other since the very starts, like pieces in a puzzle that were meant to be together. Amelie, a juvenile looking for a loving home, and Blue a woman craving to give her love.
At the very beginning it had been sweet. Waking with a stable home built around you was a shock for the juvenile but a joy for her heart. Then drama and distance had begun to seep into their relationship, rusting their dynamic and wrecking their communication. Amelie began to persue her trades and develop her desires, while Blue strived to keep things together -- none of them had been wrong, but none of them had attempted to break the wall.
Aside from the brief confession Amelie had made at the beach, they barely exchanged a word. It was a sour situation -- they lived in the same den, yet they were miles away from one another. Slowly the teen had felt her presence become more of a burden.A burned she could not carry, and neither could Blue.
Blue tried to explain her deal with Lasher, but it sounded the same to her ears. Mates or no mates, they would be together and they would be happy for them. Amelie curved her lips into a weak smile again, but before she could assure Blue she would still feel the same she made an attempt to reach out to her. But while she recieved the woman's touch with great comfort and even nuzzled her back, she was too far gone.
"But I don't need to be here. My mother left when she though we could fend for ourselves " she barked, feeling a little weird speaking of her mother and not referring to Blue, "Maybe it's time for me to do the same, you'll live without me " she sobbed, her yellow eyes glazed with a thick mantle of tears and pain.
Blue nodded her head YOu have my blessing Amelie. And yes I will live without you, but it will be a little less brightly without you in it. But you will do well in the world. You have a good head on your shoulders and I am so very proud of you. Blue could not stress enough how proud of the youthful femme she was. How much she loved her was not up for dispute, but she would tell the girl until she couldn't speak how much she loved her and was proud of her. Just so she knew, she would not have her thinking none of it had been true, when it all had been.
Tiny pieces of her heart fell onto the ground in the form of tears, crashing against the dirt and tainting the ground she had once called home with agony and nostalgia. She felt her vocal chords tangle around one another creating a suffocating knot in her trachea that limited her to simply listen to the painful words uttered by the medic that had once patched up her heart with her love, and now indirectly and without intension ripped it apart once more.
For a brief second she wished she had never seeked her at all. Maybe sliding silently into the night would've been less painful. They wouldn't have ever noticed her absence anyways, aside from Blue she never interacted with other members of the Plateu -- occasionally the children crossed her path, but usually she just stood in the background. Like a shadow with no owner and no one to remember her.
She had been destined to sink into oblivion all along; since the very moment her real mother had left her in the cold she should've known so.
With a weak smile that faded slowly into a mournful grimace Amelie took a step back, her tail lowering and curling under her stomach. She turned her face away from her in an attempt to fight the urge to fall unto her knees and bury her nose into the female's shoulder like she had done so many times before.
"..but I won't live without you" she breathed through the jagged sobs that slipped from her chest. It was a silent affirmation she wished to admit to herself but not pronounce loud enough for Blue to hear.
It would have broken the healer's heart even further if Amelie had not searched her out. It would have made two wolves that she had loved who would just up and leave without telling her. It was not fair and she was glad that Amelie sought her out.
Blue made to step forward, but instead she just sank heavily to the ground, she could do no more here. She couldn't even try and talk Amelie out of it, when clearly this was what she was determined to do.
Every time she tried to quiet down her cries she found herself sobbing louder, choking violently over her own tears and shivering under the cold mantle of abandonment. Even if she had worn said mantle many times before it still stung her skin and wrinkled her heart every time she had to put in on. After being born to a single mother and waking up one morning to an empty den she should've known it wouldn't be the last time she'd have to wear the humiliating mask of loneliness
She had been optimistic, or maybe just naive when leaving the haunting feeling of being alone locked in the bottom of her heart, left to rot. Now, with her body draped in the dusty coat of solitude, she swiveled her ears forward to grasp Blue's last apologetic words. Though the yearling didn't need to look at her (she wasn't) to know the words were sincere she felt like there were still things left unspoken.
"Be a good mother to those children" she barked, no longer being able to refer to them as siblings. She had suddenly been struck by the sensation that she had been fooling herself all along, she had never had a mother. Monique had pulled her out of her womb and Blue had raised her during the great majority of her life but both had failed to fullfil the prime requirement of being a mother.
Being unconditional.
She tilted her head and nodded I will do my best. I love you. THen she stood heavily to her feet and turned back towards the plateau. She didn't want to leave but she also knew she had too or she would lose all her control. She wanted Amelie to leave happy as best she could.
Never had a the yearling such a nauseating sensation brioling inside her belly. Not even the worst viruses or infections could ever cause such a feeling inside her body. She was dying while still breathing, or maybe she had been dead on the inside all along and now that sense of decay was simply spreading from her core to the outside of her being, like a sickening disease that would end up consuming her from the inside out.
It was far too late to try to place blame onto one's shoulder, the damage had been already done. Their relationship had been already broken, shattered into little pieces that laid scattered around their feet. The ties had been cut and the pain had already jabbed its way into both of their hearts.
As much as it killed Amelie to awknowledge it, she knew it was over.
Over but not yet settled.
As silence settled all around them Amelie felt the need to fall into her embrace one last time, but before she could even act on it Blue pulled the plug, giving their conversation an unexpected -- and rather unsatisfying clousre. She turned her body and began to fade into the distance, leaving her 'adopted' child back on the street without even giving her the simple pleasure to look upon her eyes or share her touch one final time.
This simple gesture that Blue failed to give was the hardest and probably most painful part of it all. Aside from the Healer, Amelie had not bothered to contact anyone else about her departure , she had lightly hinted it when speaking to Junior but chances were the juvenile didn't even care or remember. She should've saved herself from the suffering. She should've disappeared into the dark of the night without a word.
She should've never allowed her heart to get so attached.
With a last sob that was quickly choked into emptyness, Amelie turned too, wanting not only to get as far away from the Plateu as she could but also as far away from all the suffering that had clung to her heels since she had left the small burrow where she had been born.
She had to find a life better than this.
A life after this life.