Redhawk Caldera lost in you

Perry's words were not as painful as Pantaleimon had feared, and for the first time he was glad that he had taken the plunge of being honest and sharing what he wanted to try and fix things. One of his problems was that Pan just didn't know what he wanted either, nor how things'd play out. Everything would be fine if he had a mate and if Fox and Perry'd give them breeding rights (and if Pan'd actually be able to perform). They could share in their pups and everything would be as it should be... Right? Pan couldn't think of a much better scenario than that, anyway; he'd get Perry and his own pups, and Perry's pups on top of things. Fox was the biggest wildcard. He remembered what the guy he'd met had said; Fox was the source of the misery. But Perry loved Fox, and therefore Pan didn't want to hurt her. He just... sort of wished she wasn't there so that Perry was all his.

The thought made Pan feel guilty in terrible ways, and Pan quickly tried to suppress the thoughts. He smiled hastily at Perry and said: "Thanks..." Even though no guarantees had been given. They'd have to see how things would go on their own, a thought that was both exciting in some ways, but terrifying in many more. Especially the thought that Perry wasn't turned on by him in any sort of way was a bit frightening. Pan didn't want sex, but being exciting at least made him feel like he had more grip on Peregrine's feelings, as though it'd make Perry stay with him, if not only for that little part of him. He couldn't explain or justify the feelings of fear this brought to himself, but they were still there.

The subject of Pantaleimon's gender made him feel uncomfortable too, and he looked away briefly while he thought of it. At least Perry didn't think him weird, well, not in a bad way. "I uhm... I don't really know, I guess." Pantaleimon smiled awkwardly. "I mean, I still uhm... still want all of the, uh, girl things, but I know it's not possible, so..." I might as well live with it somehow. The last words weren't spoke aloud, for by the time he thought of them too much time had passed to squeeze them in without looking awkward.