Blacktail Deer Plateau i can't fit the feelings in

trepidation grips scarab tightly, his stomach feeling like it's twisting into knots with each step towards the plateau that has supposedly become rusalka's new home. with each step he takes behind maegi, the muscles of his shoulders tense until he feels distinctly like a trembling coil ready to snap. lapis lazuli gaze darts to and fro wildly, unsure what he was walking to. he expects the sun and stars of his life to be dead — he's spent so long numbing himself that he doesn't want to give himself so much as a glimmer of hope. he doesn't want to feel the devastation that would follow the worst of his fears being proven right. yet, on the opposite spectrum he was also afraid of being proven wrong.

if they were alive ...how would they react? to him having survived on a very slim circumstance of chance? how would they react to the fact that he wishes to stay with maegi and her wolves?

there was too many questions buzzing around scarab's head which had already begun to buzz with anxiety and anticipation the closer to the plateau they draw. a deep, greedy breath is taken not having realized until his lungs ached for air and his heartbeat grew loud and desperate in his ears that he'd even been holding it at all. he hovers close maegi as they draw to a stop, wanting to turn back around. wanting to investigate further. wanting to throw up.

you're the scariest thing here, scarab and you know it. his inner monologue hisses at him. so then why was he suddenly terrified? if he was the scariest thing in the proverbial room then he shouldn't be afraid of either outcome. y-yeah. he responds to her question — because he does and chiefly he scents his siblings and his mother but his heart is pounding too loud and fast in his chest and that stuttering response is all he can commit to as his eyes remain transfixed on the unfamiliar territory that rusalka now calls home.

nanowrimo: 344