Redhawk Caldera i loved you first [m]

for @Peregrine. this can be set whenever works for you; i just had some time and muse and wanted to write it down before i forgot <3

the events of the past several days had left lasher reeling in proverbial chaos. he had put aside his innermost thoughts about fox to tend her in peregrine's absence -- she was never without fresh prey, even dew-flecked leaves in the dawn to cool the edge of her thirst. taltos had a limited knowledge of herbs and their healing properties, and knowing that fox scorned such remedies, he only suggested various plants to her.

because the ruby was one for whom peregrine cared deeply, lasher put himself to the back of his own consciousness and settled into a brisk, amiable camaraderie with the injured woman. it lacked the warmth he had shown her before, but it was not without its affable nature.

the days were growing colder, but the caldera -- for that was what they had decided to call their beautiful find -- would thrive beneath the panther's leadership. of this lasher had no doubt, though his eyes often turned toward the plateau's direction longingly. it was upon one such morning, with breath rising in a steam-plume from his nostrils, that taltos, with the agonized twist of a knife in his breast, so chose not to remain in the splendid lands with his lover and the ruby.

his heart broke within him; the earthen servant paused in his steps to weep openly, uncaring of the prey that crept with worried leeriness around the shattered visage of their most prominent enemy -- he was lost, lost, and to the morning's light lasher turned a face utterly wrought with grief, saltwater tracing runnels through the fur upon his cheeks.

Sheesh, this is gonna be sad. But on a happier note: we'll have to have some Lasher/Junior threads when they're both back in BDP! :) <3

I feel like I went a little too omniscient in this post, so if you'd rather I change that, just say the word and I can make edits!

Ever since that evening on the plateau, when he had discovered his young mate haloed by the sunset and she had asked him to follow her to the ends of the earth, she had become the absolute center of his universe — to the detriment of all other relationships in his life. It was partly because he adored her to a fault; hell, he was a fool for her. But it was something else, too. Peregrine was an instinctual creature and already the breeding season called to him. No wonder his every thought and action orbited around his mate. He was waiting with bated breath for the day when they could create and birth their future together.

When Lasher's sobs woke him from a dead sleep, it was like a bucket of icy cold water dumped over his head, putting out the fire that Fox had lit in his mind, heart and loins. Suddenly, he realized he had neglected his other partner, who was supposed to be equally important to him. He had been a terrible lover. But hadn't he always been that way with his Taltos — selfish, always taking, rarely giving? Although Peregrine loved Lasher truly and deeply, he had not proved to be the partner Lasher deserved, now or ever.

As he hastened now to the ocher male's side, an intuition came over him. Before he even reached Lasher, Peregrine understood that this was quite likely the end. Lasher wouldn't be staying. He would go back to the plateau. Their time together was over. It broke Peregrine's heart because he knew it was all his fault. Particularly lately, he hadn't been a good lover. He had not struck a balance between Fox and Lasher, therefore betraying the very nature of their polyamorous arrangement. Now he would pay the price. It made his heart quiver and ache, yet at the same time, he knew Lasher could do better anyway.

"Taltos," Peregrine breathed when he reached his lover's side. He skimmed his nose over Lasher's shoulder and pressed his flank to the other male's. "You're leaving me, aren't you?" His sad eyes found Lasher's, full of pain but understanding, guilt and apology.

yes it is ;__; and i love me some junior! your post was great, btw

he turned blindly toward peregrine as the devil approached, reaching blunderingly for comfort, for solace in the proud curve of the man's dark throat. his lover spoke, and a filament of shame arced painfully through his soul, that he should be so transparent.

silently he nodded, at length drawing back to seek the agony in his beloved's eyes. there was no need to affirm with words what the two of them already knew to be inevitable -- lasher could not, would not allow himself and his role in peregrine's life to be downplayed by fox's ambitions.

dante and the willow would need support as they rebuilt the plateau. while a thrumming portion of his heart would forever reverberate with the deepest flashfire of love for the devil, his soul cried for the ridge overlaid with darker trees where he had first beheld peregrine.

and in truth, taltos would rather return in tatters to the plateau than remain in the caldera, burning with silent anger and hurt as fox aptly replaced him by the ability of her body, dues paid to peregrine's love that lasher could never hope to match. it was the natural way, he supposed, but the thought of watching it was unbearable to him.

"peregrine, oh my love," he sighed in a whisper, unable to keep from nuzzling softly the dark down of the other's chin. "in my heart i shall never leave you -- but i cannot remain here." lasher begged silently that peregrine not ask why, only accept -- they were paired in their mutual understanding of why it could no longer be.

He wasn't sure whether Lasher might respond with sadness or anger. He did not anticipate a denial and he did not receive one. Tearfully, his lover admitted that he couldn't live here. Peregrine swallowed thickly and nodded. He understood and wished there was something he could say or do to make Lasher stay. A thousand begging words sprung to the tip of his tongue, yet he held them back. He had been very selfish lately but he would not allow himself to ask his beloved companion to reconsider, nor make promises — that he would treat Lasher equally to Fox, for instance — he wasn't entirely sure he could keep.

With that said, he had envisioned the three of them raising the pups together, though it would be selfish to relegate Lasher to a role that meant nothing more than beloved uncle. As Peregrine realized this, his head tipped toward the ground and a tear sprung from each eye, leaving streaks down his muzzle as they raced to the tip of his nose and fell. Sniffling, he then lifted his face again, regarding Lasher through a watery sheen.

"I love you so much, Lasher. I never did justice by you, though. You deserve someone who can devote him- or herself to you totally. I'm sorry I'm not — and never really was — that person." His throat felt tight as he pressed his forehead against Lasher's. "I am a selfish man. You gave so much of yourself to me. I took it all and still didn't give in return. I'm sorry for being such a piece of shit." His voice shook and he steadied it with a deep breath. "Would it be too painful if we visited one another? Or... should I leave you alone from now on, Taltos?"

he had also dreamt of happier times, where the trio reared beautiful children in harmonic agreement -- but now he admitted to himself that it had been a romantic, foolish notion. once he had resented fox, but no longer was that emotion dominant within him -- the ruby was brash and fierce, and had not only secured for herself a wolf who was sure to be a doting, protective father, but a swath of gorgeous land where she would bear the first generation of her personal heritage.

for that, fox was to be commended. everything else had become secondary; but not this; this the scent of salt in the air between them. peregrine spoke, and lasher's mouth trembled anew at the admittance from his lover. the panther had fulfilled him in so many ways, and taltos felt he also had done the same.

"i would not have given so freely of myself if i thought you were not worth it, peregrine," he whispered against the bulb of one proud dark ear. "i would do so again in a moment." lasher had accepted their situation; now peregrine must, and he must forgive himself.

the next question gave him pause: in one way, perhaps it would be better if they saw nothing of one another, and allowed the feelings to haze into memories -- but taltos knew he would crave peregrine and the intimacy they had shared. and so for a long moment he said nothing, merely stood in embrace with his most beloved, the cadence of peregrine's heartbeat audible.

"do you think it wise?" he asked softly after some time had passed, voice free of any inflection that would inform the panther of his own thoughts on the matter; he asked simply.

Obviously, Peregrine wanted to vote that they could still visit with one another. Hell, maybe they could even continue their romantic entanglement from afar. Long distance relationships were a thing, right? But it wasn't just the physical distance that was an issue here. He didn't answer for a long moment, trying to divorce his personal feelings and look at the matter objectively. It was incredibly difficult and even more painful.

"You would probably be able to move on faster if I left you alone," Peregrine said very quietly. "I think you — we, I guess — would heal faster if we don't have contact." His voice broke as the word contact left his lips. It took him a moment to regain his composure. "But maybe once we feel we're... over it," he continued haltingly, "we could see one another again?" The words over it made him want to vomit.

He waited silently for Lasher's opinion, then brushed his muzzle over his lover's forehead. Peregrine couldn't resist one last selfish request that sprang from his tongue before he could bite it back. "Let's make love. I want to feel you, hold you, one last time, Taltos. And..." He paused, considering, but what was there to think about? This was his last chance. "I want to take you first but then... I want you to make love to me. Please," he begged quietly. "Sorry," he felt the need to add for asking at all.

he drew a shuddering breath as peregrine spoke, bracing himself for the reality of their parting. unsure of his words, the earthen man grew mute, nodding as a single tear traced its way down his cheek. he did not wish to be parted from peregrine, but taltos truly did not see any other way. fox had created a stronghold here, and there was not a place for him.

to the panther's suggestion, his plea, lasher nodded, stepping forward with alacrity to twine himself breathlessly with peregrine, bestowing kisses upon his eyes, his throat, his shoulders -- he reinvented himself by touch against the devil's sable fur, eyes closed against the threat of tears.

he murmured in the affirmative, now nipping the flesh beneath, hoping to inflame the man, to take him with white hot verve for the last time.

Since this is their last time, I got a little more detailed than usual while trying to still keep things tasteful... ;_;

Lasher made no reply, though his body language was answer enough. There was a sense of desperate yearning as he kissed along Peregrine's body. The swarthy male couldn't stop thinking, This is the last time we'll ever do this... He tried to force the thought from his mind without forgetting the essence. If this was their last time, he would make it count.

With a purling growl, he positioned himself behind his lover and reared onto his hind legs, his forelegs circling Lasher's waist. He licked and nibbled at the other male's ruff, then grasped him tightly and drew their bodies together with muted, needy fervor. His body moved against his lover's for several moments of breathless passion before he dismounted forcefully.

"I'm yours, Taltos. Do whatever you want with me. Ask whatever you want of me. I'll gladly give myself to you," Peregrine said roughly as he glided alongside Lasher's hot, thrumming body and stood for the first time in front rather than behind.

He glanced over his shoulder, jade eyes alight with fire, and backed up a few paces, pressing his hindquarters against Lasher's chest. "Take me," he said, the words coming out like a command. Softening, he added, "Show me you love me." He arched subtly, his breath hissing in and out between his teeth as he simultaneously prepared himself and tried to hold back; he was already teetering on the edge of a venereal precipice.

;__; it was beautiful <3 i will miss these two

lasher was unable to keep himself silent as peregrine possessed his body; he vocalized his grieving passions to the skies above, breath hitching in his throat; he tasted the salt of tears upon his parted lips. this was his, was theirs -- ours -- and the ecstasy caught him quickly; he shook in peregrine's grasp.

his body responded unbidden to his lover's growled words, the press of the panther's unsated body. fervency and an overwhelming oceanic wave of deepest affection for the sable devil cascaded over lasher, immobilizing him for the scarcest of moments. here was an altar; here he would worship at the purest temple of the emotion he bore peregrine.

he was gentle but trembling with the chaotic flames of the moment; taltos could no longer sense where his body ended itself and peregrine's began. he moved in a plane otherworldly unto itself, where the only sensation was the mesh of their dark pelts, the hot molten cornerstone of their shared passions made carnal, made physical.

and he did not cease his whisperings of love, muzzle pressed securely against the side of peregrine's cheek -- words he would not remember for the heat of these moments slipped unbidden and rosy-hued with affection from his lips.

some time later -- lasher was unable to measure how long -- he let go his paramour and sank to the earth, his heart thrumming within him as his limbs trembled from their exertions. he said nothing, merely searched for peregrine's jeweled eyes with his own.

Moi aussi... :'(

The weight of another's body atop him, straddling him, was foreign to Peregrine, as was the act that commenced. He groaned, clenching his teeth against the discomfort. Ignoring it, he pressed backward, encouraging Lasher to continue. He then closed his eyes and dropped his head, breathing raggedly as he experienced, for the first and last time, what it was like to have someone make love to him. After the initial pain, it was so pleasurable that he immediately felt a surging warmth shooting from his loins to his belly.

It all came to a close far too soon for his tastes. They sank to the ground, trembling and breathing heavily. Peregrine closed his eyes, wishing for this moment to last forever. When he opened them and saw Lasher sprawled before him, the agony of what was coming overwhelmed him, becoming unbearable. He wanted to cling to Lasher, selfishly beg him to stay. Peregrine knew that if he pleaded, his lover might change his mind, to his own detriment.

Legs shaking, the swarthy male climbed slowly to his feet. It would take every ounce of his strength and fortitude to walk away when all he wanted was to linger here until the end of the time. Somehow, Peregrine managed to gently lick Lasher's face one last time, finishing it with a soft kiss to his brow. With a final, burning look, Peregrine then turned and swept away, tears already streaming down his sooty cheeks.

the kiss that came was gentle, trembling, at once both full of grief and cold as judas' kiss to that emphatic man upon their last night. lasher touched his lips to the corner of peregrine's mouth, not bothering to blink away the slow burn of tears that began anew as the devil turned from him. he wanted to leap to his feet, to drag peregrine into his embrace, to renege upon that which he had said and remain here, in the caldera, with the only man he had loved so very much — moreso than eismitte, than julien! — but he was rooted.

lasher mayfair, also called taltos, watched until his panther was gone from sight, and only then were the bonds about his body released; he gave a mournful cry, and it seemed the heavens listened, throwing the foliage into an ecstasy of movement as the wind whipped up from some unseen place.

"an ghleanna goideadh uaim arís," were the words upon his lips as he too departed the last scene of their love, utterly shattered beyond hope of repair.