Blacktail Deer Plateau Angels watch me

Blue Willow woke with a cough as she expelled the dry air from her throat from the Autumn's changing weather. She shifted and stretched out her long limbs, her maw split wide to show pink tongue in a yawn. She shook her fur and bounded out of the den. She had been spending time with those who were her friends. Lasher had made himself available for whatever capacity she needed. He would make a good father. She hoped she was up to snuff with her own mothering. To say she was scared and excited would be an understatement, she was terrified and ecstatic. It would be a falsification though to say she wasn't worried what someone would or could say to her. In truth it hadn't been long since Atticus was gone, well he had been gone for a couple weeks, it had just taken her a little longer to figure it out. But it was not because she loved him any less. She loved that man with every breath in her body, but he was gone. Disappeared and all that had been seen of him was scattered fur and scratches on the cliff tops. She sighed and began a small jog towards the borders.

She would do some patrolling then maybe some hunting. After all the caches needed to be filled for her family. It was strange this feeling of continuing on, while most of her family was spread off on the four winds. Her mother was gone, her father was gone. Her brothers she had no clue where they were anymore. Peregrine was gone to the Caldera, Atticus had disappeared....she had Osprey and Lasher and Dante and Peregrine's children. But it was not the same, yet it felt the same. It was a strange feeling of being adrift.

Several weeks had passed since Atticus disappearance and the search for him had failed. There were no traces of him apart from the trail he had left behind - then according to those, who had gone looking for him, it had scattered and got lost among the rest of the scents there. If Osprey had felt the need to look for him at the first days, then now the feeling had mellowed down and she always found more and more reasons, why not to leave the plateau.

She had heard that Blue willow had returned from her visit at Peregrine's pack and because of being busy fending for herself (they had failed to hunt down something big in long term and food was running low), she had missed the chance to pay a visit to her friend. As fate would have it she didn't have to go looking or howling for her, because she spotted Blue's swiftly moving form through the trees. Osprey stopped stalking a mouse that had hidden in it's den, got to her feet and called out: "Oy, Blue!"

Blue still struggled with the disappearance of Atticus more so at night and early morning. When darkness was present and she achingly thought of the sweet stolen moments at night, when they could have a conversation or just sit and watch the stars. To say it hurt would be a gross understatement, but she was moving forward as best she could. She had puppies to look forward too, a life to continue, not matter how badly she wanted it to stop and where ever he was she hoped he was still telling his secrets to the shadows.

Blue heard her name being called and swiveling ears she turned towards the sound and a smile graced her maw. Hello Osprey. I actually need to talk to you. She was a little worried about explaining herself to Osprey, who she considered one of her closest friends next to Peregrine, Lasher and Dante.

Blue was quick to notice her and Osprey took this as an encouragement to close the distance between them. She approached her in few quick strides and gave her a wolfish hug of her kind - she leaned against her friends neck and put her maw briefly on her nape. "It is so good to see you again," she murmured, enjoying the specific smell only the healer had - a bit of dried grass, herbs, earth and something that was unique only to her.

"I heard the bad news and I am so sorry that I didn't get to you sooner," she took a step back and apologized, while her gaze was locked with Willow's. "How are you doing now?" she asked. What can I do for you?

Blue Willow's stance softened even more at her friends gentle gesture and she blew air gently from her nose. You too I actually want to talk to you anyway, and I hope that you won't be upset with me. Blue grew quiet a little unsure how to begin, she wasn't abandoning Atticus, and she wasn't choosing a new mate, just having children, but it could be seen as a betrayal by some she supposed. She just hoped it wasn't that way to Osprey.

Blue frowned in contemplation as she thought about how to answer the question. Truthfully I have bad days and good days. I miss him like an ache especially at night and in the early morning. And I hope he's safe somewhere, and he chose to leave. Not that his mind forced him to, but I also hope wherever he is, he doesn't hurt anymore. I will never love anyone like that again and I will go to my grave loving him. She grew quiet, she was still uncertain if she could ever love again at all, but she did know that the love she held for him was it's own and it would never be duplicated.

She sat down and curled her tail around her paws and looked down gathering her thoughts. I am 3 years old and all I have ever wanted was to be a mother and I had hoped that I could do that with your brother in time, but now I Don't know where he is or if he is okay. She had almost said alive or dead, but just couldn't bring herself to do it, the thought was a painful one. Lasher has offered to sire a litter with me and I know that I could never love in that capacity again so I have accepted. We won't be mates in the sense that most are, just friends and co parents. I wanted to tell you myself. I hope you are not upset with me. Blue grew quiet and didn't say anything else at the moment.

"I have my ears and eyes on you," Osprey managed to interject, before Blue revealed her grand news. Her friend went on confessing her never dying love for her missing brother and how she hoped that he was happy, wherever he was. Unwillingly she turned her gaze away, feeling a little uncomfortable to be let so close to Willow's personal and emotional life. It was as if she was peeking through a shut window and seeing something that had not been meant for her eyes.

However the next piece of news swept Osprey off her paws. She turned her head sharply and focused her shocked gaze at her friend's face. In the beginning it was hard to connect the mourning Blue willow with this woman, who was determined to move on with her life and plans, no matter what. "Wow..." was the only word she managed to speak out loud at first. "I... I don't know, what to say..." she shot an apologetic smile at her friend and then turned her gaze away.

Suddenly it had become hard to face the healer. "Congratulations, I guess," she said with a half-hearted laugh, feeling confused.

Blue smiled at the first part, but she knew that the next part of her words would send her friend either reeling in shock or spitting in anger. None of which she wanted, but expected. After all she was being quite selfish an unusual action for her, but one she wasn't going to regret or question. It was the simple fact of she wanted her own family. Her friends as family was great, but she wanted her own flesh and blood, her own children to love. She honestly didn't know how to say it other than that.

Blue whined softly at her friends words, not realizing that it would hurt so badly. Even if Osprey wasn't outright condemning her, she could hear something in her voice and she guessed it to be disappointment or anger, even though she might be wrong. Perhaps she was projecting what she thought Osprey should react onto her friends words, but she couldn't help herself.

She looked down and didn't know what to say, didn't know how to speak of her desires. She sat down and curled her tail around her paws for a moment. Blue sighed softly Thank You Osprey. I know this may seem very selfish of me, and a little bit of a betrayal of your brother, but I... She didn't know how to explain. I don't know how to explain but I will try. I love very deeply, it's my nature and I loved my family and I left them to start my own and have a home, and they are all gone except my brothers and I have no idea where they are. I loved your brother, but he has left too and I don't know where he is. I want something that is my own flesh and blood that I can love and give all this love I have too. I know they may leave me sometime too, but I honestly don't know if I can love another like your brother, and I have so much to give so I've always wanted children and this way I can have both my dream and family to love, other than my wonderful friends. She grew quiet she probably had botched that terribly, but her own thoughts were a little hard to articulate at the moment

Osprey was neither angry, nor disappointed - just confused and caught totally off-guard. She had hard time putting together the fact that Blue Willow confessed to love Atticus dearly and that she was going to have kids with another man so soon. Even if there weren't any deep emotional bonds between her and Lasher, it didn't feel right. It seemed as if she had given up hope of seeing her brother ever again completely. What if he returned - tomorrow, in few weeks, when the kids were born? What would happen then? She had seen so much heart-break during her stay here, that the prospect of any kind of love-story ending well, didn't seem likely. It appeared that "happily ever after" existed in fairy tales. Or applied to her parents only.

She then went on explaining, telling that she felt bad for being so selfish, that it did feel like she was betraying her brother, that she expected others to not like her decision and suddenly Osprey felt sorry for her. She recalled every single good thing Blue Willow had done, every unselfish act, every time, when she had kept her opinion to herself, so that just everyone else were satisfied. Somewhere in the middle she, who cared more for others than herself sometimes, had been robbed of her chance to fulfill her dreams. Now that she had it... she felt bad for reaching out and sipping from the creek of love, luck and glory.

"Blue... I am sorry," she said putting every bit of sympathy in her words, she came to sit by her friend's side and pressed her head against Blue's neck lightly. "I... it's a bit too much to take in, but you... you deserve to be every bit as happy as anyone else. Don't you dare to tell that this is selfish - you have put everone above your needs all this time."

In a way Blue supposed perhaps that she had given up hope. She had not given it up before, and had been the last to hold onto it, but this time. This time it was as if the hope had just disappeared. Perhaps it was the fact that she was tired, and she felt betrayed by Peregrine, and her head had already been in a strange place anyway. Perhaps it was the absence of her daughter, who was clearly upset with her. She should have done so many things differently, and she hadn't. It hurt like nothing had ever hurt before, and perhaps that was also a reason for her decision. Perhaps the offer to love her own children, was a much more tempting offer than to live with months, years, days of pain. Of not knowing whether he was alive or dead. Perhaps this was simply her way to move on, yet not forget him, and still be waiting for him to come home, it would be bearable with children.

To say that Blue felt bad for being a bit selfish was an understatement, though she did not regret her decision, that did not mean she had come to it lightly. She had taken her own selfish desires to light, and it hurt and it felt strange, but she figured this would be the first and last time, so she better make it count. It was strange to feel like a betrayer, while looking forward to it in a way. The end result would be wonderful and she would not trade it, not this time.

Blue smiled softly and nudged her friend gently No need to be sorry Osprey, I fully accept that some will be confused or upset. she sighed at Osprey's words a little worried herself. But isn't it selfish in a way? I'm not used to being selfish and I honestly don' t know whether to be proud of myself or hate myself.

"Those, who will be upset, definitely," Osprey replied, not forgetting the fact that her confusion and initial upset was a selfish thing too. However, the wolves, who weren't related to Blue or her former mate-to-be - what right they had to have any opinion about this at all? The healer was a beta, a better and loyal packmate than most, she was one of the key-elements that held the pack together. To deny her something she so clearly desired would be unfair.

"And - it might sound stupid - but everyone is selfish for their own sake. No one can be selfish for you - so - stop being lazy - and do the part with dilligence and pride," after the last words she pressed her muzzle lightly against Blue willow's cheek and then burst out in girlish giggles.

Blue listened and laid her ears to her head. She supposed that she hadn't really thought of Atticus's reaction if he came back. To her she wasn't exactly giving him up, just having children in a different way is all and as far as she knew she would still be here when or rather if he did come back. Because she was fairly certain that she and Lasher would just remain friends, at least she thought so, even though she could not tell the future.

Blue licked the underside of her friends chin and she too erupted into giggles, simply on principle. Osprey's laughter was contagious. She tilted her head, as they both quieted. I'd like you to be a big part of their life and I still have to speak with Lasher, but if it is alright with him. If something should happen to me I'd like you to take care of them with his help if you could and would?

Blue's logic about the whole situation was pretty valid, but Osprey couldn't fight against the feeling that everything wouldn't be so simple as she had imagined. Even if Atticus never came back... Having children with someone meant a responsibility on both sides and without a mateship to bind the two people together... it didn't seem right or safe. But then again - she didn't have children of her own - and couldn't vouch to be an expert on these things. Maybe it would work out just fine.

Her friend's request however caught Osprey off guard. One thing was to accept and respect Blue's decision, to promise to be involved in kids' lives as much as possible, but to become their guardian if ever something happened to either Blue or Lasher? It was too much for her - that sort of commitment - she wasn't ready. She valued her freedom too much. Yet would it be right to decline? Their friendship still was so fragile - she didn't want for it to be shattered to pieces. Should she lie and grow used to the idea over time?

But they had promissed to never lie to each other, even if the truth wasn't pleasant to hear. There was no different to small and big lies after all. "Blue, I can promise to be here for them as much as I can, but I can't promise you to become their parent, if something ever happened to you or Lasher. Life is twisted and full of unexpected events - I can't vouch for my future to be stable and unchanging for the next two years," she looked down at her paws, avoiding her friend's gaze. "Don't get me wrong - I would gladly help, but you can't put all the hopes and responsibilities on my shoulders."

Blue did not expect any of this to be simple or easy. She knew there would be some challenges to face, and she would have some explanations for her children once they got older, as to why they were born the way they were. But she imagined that it wouldn't be as hard as they thought, hard yes impossible no.

Blue would hold no ill will if Osprey declined, it was just an offer that she wanted to give. Something that she wanted, but she could certainly respect a decline. And she knew that Osprey would be honest no matter what. She did expect that of her friend.

Blue nudged her friend gently I know and it's okay. I knew there was a chance that you would decline, but I wanted to offer it to you above all else. I thank you for being a part of their life though, and that is enough for me. I must tell you though friend. I will not be naming them after you we have enough Osprey's. She teased gently hoping to lighten the mood, she hadn't meant to make her friend feel awkward.

Osprey was surprised by the easy way of how well Blue willow took in, what she had told her. No pressuring, no attempts to make her feel guilty for her choices. No - she accepted that and was happy for, what she could get. It was enough for her. "Thank you for understanding," Osprey told her softly and smiled at her.

"I would refuse to speak to you ever again, if you even considered that," she put up a serious face, but her eyes had a joyous twinkle, which indicated that she had got the joke and was simply playing along. "Have you considered any names yet? Or this will be decided upon, when the little ones are born?" she asked, feeling curious. This was a big thing for Blue willow and in a way Osprey was glad that she could be by her side during the whole process and hopefully learn something from her, if she ever came to be in the same situation.

Blue Willow prided herself on her ability to take most things in charge. She also did not expect everyone to conform to her way of thinking or her own ideals. It was enough that her friend had considered her offer, and it was enough that she would be there to get to know them. Blue also didn't consider herself high risk for death, she was hardy and not as young as she could be, but she was no crone either.

Blue shook her head I haven't really thought of it or even brought it up. I think I would like to wait until I am absolutely sure I am having children before I decide that. It just seems I don't know Safer that way? That way my hopes aren't as large if I should prove barren or something. She looked down a little nervous and slightly scared now. After all this was a big change for her and one she wanted, but she couldn't help,but feel a little fear of the unknown.

"Oh..." Osprey said and blushed (or the wolf-equivalent to that), feeling a bit awkward and ashamed for her lack of consideration. She had somehow assumed that the "fact" had already taken place and it was only a matter of time before the kids would be running around the plateau and filling it with laughter and hope for new beginnings. As it turned out - things were only to happen and even then it wasn't for sure, if everything would work out well. She didn't quite know, what to say in this situation. She had no experience herself, therefore comforting her friend and telling that everything would be alright, would sound wrong.

"Sounds valid," Osprey nodded, hoping that everything turned out for the best. Feeling that there was no need to elaborate on this subject, she got to her feet, shook her coat and stretched thoroughly. "I don't know about you, but I feel like a little snack would be just in time for us," she said cheerfully to Blue willow. "Care to join? I will show a special spot - mice there are exquisite!"

ooc: this seems like a good place to fade out, however, choice is yours - if you want to continue, that's fine with me too.

Blue chuckled and nudged her friend. The deed hadn't been done, and blue would not until she was in heat again. It was a time she tried not to think about, for it was an unknown area she would be stepping into. Thank the gods that Lasher would know what he was doing.

Blue nodded her head I would love to join you lets go my friend. Blue nudged her a gain and then with a small smile she followed behind Osprey as she led them to a place for food. She was happy today, more so than she had been.