He retired to the flat lands following his visit with Finley et al. Peregrine knew he should make his way back to the caldera, yet he clung to the plateau's shadow until nightfall and convinced himself to spend the night there. He fell asleep facing his old homestead. It was the last thing he saw before his eye slipped closed and the first thing he saw when they reopened the next morning.
Having slept on it two nights in a row, Peregrine now felt awful about the cold way he had spoken to both Lasher and Fox. He knew it was still a good idea to keep his distance from the former but could he really leave it on that note? He felt immensely bothered by the thought. Here was his chance to make things right before he went home. He wasn't sure Lasher would even come but Peregrine wanted to try.
And so he tipped his black muzzle into the morning sky and called his former lover's name. There was a note of apology in his song, which he hoped might coax the otherwise reticent Lasher from his bed.
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he had slumbered fitfully, curled against blue willow's warm frame; he had dreamt of peregrine, also, and so it was with surprise that he found himself awakening to the sorrowful notes of his former lover rising into the air. he did not stir immediately; taltos was inclined to ignore the panther, but eventually a sense of interest and propriety brought him quietly out of the den.
his careful pawsteps carried him in the direction of the call, and he paused within eyesight of peregrine, though his jaw tensed with silent pride and the recollection of how this man had hurt him once more. therefore, he did not speak, but instead waited for peregrine to explain why he had called.
"Thanks for coming, Lasher. I know I was a total fucking dick to you. My head was messed up after seeing you and I convinced myself I needed to harden my heart against you. But it's no excuse. You didn't deserve any of that and I just wanted you to know how sorry I am."
He almost added something about how Lasher was too good for him, that Peregrine didn't deserve him... but he held his tongue. He wasn't going to play the victim in any way, shape or form. He was here to take responsibility for his actions, apologize and hopefully receive forgiveness. But it was entirely up to Lasher to decide if he deserved that.
it was an apology peregrine sought to give; it was upon the tip of his tongue to deny peregrine and turn him away permanently, but instead he found himself moving unbidden toward his former lover. it is all right. emotions run high for me as well.
he did not like the sight of the proud man prone before him, though he appreciated the sentiment, and laid down facing peregrine in the cool blades of emerald grass.
nothing more was said by the earthen gamma; he breathed a warm sigh and offered the devil a wan smile, willing to truly allow their healing to begin.
"It's not all right, though, and I don't deserve to be forgiven so easily. If there's anything I can do to make it up to you, let me know." As he spoke, he tentatively stretched out a forefoot to lay it atop Lasher's own warm paw.
he watched the shadows of their paws enfold one another, gazing intently at the mesh of raven fur against the dark ecru of his own, and at length he sighed, seeking peregrine's malachite eyes with a surge of love beating hopefully in his breast. i spoke harshly to you at the borders, mo diabhal,
he breathed. i was wrong also.
taltos let silence be born anew. with blue willow to bear his children, and fox to bear peregrine's, there was not time to steal moments with one another, had his heart fully softened had he wanted it so. the proud angle of peregrine's jaw even now inflamed him, but lasher turned his eyes away after a moment, unwilling to promise what could not be.
He should have also been guarding his heart too, yet Peregrine found himself speaking before he could second-guess himself. "When I was visiting Fin, I realized how badly I've missed this place. I meant to leave last night but I just... couldn't. And..." It felt like a betrayal to admit this aloud, but after a hesitation, he did. "There's part of me that's imagining what would happen if I just... stayed. Or if I'd chosen you over Fox in the first place."
Only after the words left his mouth did Peregrine realize he might be hurting Lasher's feelings. "I'm sorry, I put my foot in my mouth. I just have so much on my mind lately and I'm clearly not handling my feels very well." Peregrine laughed dryly.
peregrine spoke quietly, honestly, and lasher too recalled how he had struggled after their ways had parted. however, fox made the panther happy, and that was what he wished most for peregrine: joy in every facet of his life. some small part of him wondered if it would not still work, in the future to come, with the triad; but he was unwilling to attempt it again. the fluidity of the dynamic had been presented an obstacle it could not surmount.
you can always speak openly to me,
taltos whispered into the crisp air, allowing himself another glance into the other's brilliant eyes. fox was quite blessed to have such a man devoted to her; he hoped she appreciated him, and the choices he had made for her, whatever reasoning was behind them.
"That was the first time I ever spoke crossly to Fox," he admitted. "I feel like... the honeymoon phase came to an abrupt end. And it's my fault. I just hope... we're not in for a bumpy ride from here," Peregrine mused. He sighed, not sure of what to expect when he finally made his way home to the caldera.
"But enough about me and my inability to conduct relationships. How are you and Willow? Have you...? Is she...?" It made his throat tighten to think of them intertwined—an inevitable mental image—but he truly supported their union and the children it would produce. He even looked forward to it, despite all the raw emotions going around lately.
he was both surprised and not to know that peregrine and fox had sustained the ecstasy of love, the fresh energy that accompanied the heights of a new relationship. he and the panther had been given over to it, at one time — perhaps they would have lasted as long, or longer, given the ability to do so.
he moved his paw to place it atop peregrine's now, the cool air lashing away the gathered warmth that had been there, but the gesture meant much to him all the same. we have, and i think that she is, but we will not know for another fortnight at least,
lasher revealed to his former lover. it did not feel odd to speak of blue willow in that capacity, but he would remain vague to protect her quite developed sense of modesty, and he did not believe peregrine wished to know more than had been said.
Before Lasher could answer that nosey question, Peregrine explained, "The only reason I ask is because I wonder if the two of you will eventually find mates. Then will your pups feel displaced, the way mine did? I doubt you'd make the same mistakes I did—the two of you are just better people, period—but I know that the strange dynamic really affected my kids. I'm pretty sure it fucked them up," he said quietly. "And I know they're bitter about it."
And that was one of the reasons he hadn't sought them out during his forays to the plateau. He imagined they preferred he let them alone. That was partially an excuse, though, and Peregrine knew it. He had more pressing people and matters to attend to besides his nearly grown kids. It was awful to admit, even silently to himself, and suddenly Peregrine wondered if he and Fox should really go through with having pups.
Because he wasn't exactly a good father. Nor was he a good mate, either, for that matter. The Redleaf-DiSarinno was having an odd moment of clarity and wondered if he should just give up on Fox, Lasher, the caldera, the plateau, his kids—do them all a favor and wander out of their lives.
lasher parted his lips to speak once peregrine had finished, but fell silent again, unsure of what to say. of course the quartet of older children were in need of their father's attention, and his love, but the gamma feared that the panther had waited too long to come to his senses, at least in the case of saena, who had vowed to refuse her father's very presence if he should come to visit.
parenthood must be rife with struggle and mistakes,
he mused aloud after a moment. in time, i will know it too. but i cannot pledge myself to willow, nor would i ask it of her. the heart that beats in her breast belongs to atticus, not to me, and i would feel it selfish if i asked her to wed me for any other reason aside from love.
a pause. i do feel deep affection for her, however, and i will tend her and our brood diligently.
he regarded peregrine with a mixture of sadness and pity. do not castigate yourself so harshly. hawkeye is as much to blame for abandoning them, but i think that you should seek them out.
as far as taking a mate, lasher did not believe that he ever would. he was not the formal type, and there was no ache for tradition in him.
He heaved a quiet sigh and, after a time, pushed himself upright. He regarded Lasher now with fondness, yet Peregrine resisted the urge to touch him. "I should be getting back. I know I don't need to tell you to take care of Willow, the kids, everyone. Oh, and Finley's dumb ass..." He paused. "I love all of you, even if I suck at showing it sometimes. Be well."
Giving Lasher a small smile, Peregrine's dusky eyes lifted to regard the plateau. He then swung around and turned, refusing to look backward as he trotted back toward Redhawk Caldera.
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he both agreed and disagreed with peregrine — even if the children railed against him and threw insults, they would know that their father cared, if the panther would but show his face unto them. but perhaps they would need the pain to lessen somewhat before he appeared.
fond eyes watched peregrine's retreating back. i love you as well,
he whispered, to himself and the light of growing morning, alone with his thoughts and the gently ruffled grassland blades.