Sunbeam Lair you are a language i am no longer fluent in but still remember how to read

@Asterr. Backdated an indeterminate amount of time.

He didn't come home right away. He'd stayed near the mountain for several nights, keeping to himself. He made no effort to hunt, no effort to leave nor did he make any attempt to return... to the lair. Home, he'd once called it, where he thought his family lived but now he isn't so sure. There hadn't been enough time in those few days to really sort the feelings when guilt began to pick at him. He could run, like he always did, and find somewhere else. Another new start, another pack, another... something.. He could go and not look back and ultimately try to erase the lair from his mind.

Not truly knowing if they were his children had kept him there for a while. Damien had been with Asterr before him, but by how long he isn't certain, and he knew the chances of him being their father reduced drastically. And she doesn't take the blame she should, doesn't understand what she has done wrong, and Ukko can't find any way around it.

He began his trek back with little motivation and as he crossed over and found his way into the lair, he knows exactly where he's going. While it is the last place he wants to be, with enough separation between himself and the little family that lived in the ground, he finds comfort in the fact he can leave. He'd barely seen the girls since the moment they'd been born, aside from a few peeks in the beginning, and realized his connection to them has severed enough that the guilt may not last long. Ukko tightens his jaw as he approaches the familiar surroundings but he does not make a sound when it comes into view and, instead, waits.

I am putting this at eight days after the birth because you didn’t say that I couldn’t earlier today !!

Since he’d left several days prior, Asterr had found herself tasked with the responsibility of both hunting for herself and looking after the girls. She’d struggled through it, but couldn’t deny the fact that it was tiring. It left her with little time to collect the necessary herbs and assess the health of the forest, but she’d slid by. She knew not for how long he’d be away, or if he’d ever return. All she could picture were the faces of all those that had left before him, and it filled her with an uneasy feeling. She’d thought to look for him, but knew that she couldn’t, not with the hatchlings being so young still. Her options were limited, and so she’d waited, but she knew not for what exactly. To see him again, perhaps, or to hear from someone else that they’d seen him fleeing in the opposite direction. Honestly, she didn’t know which scenario was more likely to occur.

Across the ground had she been sprawled out, keeping her daughters content until they’d all dozed off. Seeing an opportunity, she’d scooted them all together and then departed from the den, stretching her limbs as she crossed the threshold—which was where she’d then frozen in place, her gaze having found itself placed upon a familiar face. Shock was a feeling that she knew for certain she was experiencing, but everything else was a mystery. There was nothing negative, as far as she could tell, aside from uncertainty. After pushing it away, she’d proceeded to take several steps forward, then stopped again to watch him.

“You are back?” what was meant to be a statement had ended up being a question, as she’d realized she didn’t know what his intentions were. Would he stay or leave again? She could not yet understand exactly what had gone wrong, but she’d become aware enough to realize that she could not blame him for whatever choice he made.

He stands there for a while, frozen in place so he doesn’t create more noise than necessary, and he runs through everything in his head. Part of him expects to forget everything the moment he sees her, as if a single look will manipulate him back into being the worker bee in keeping her safe and providing for her children. When when she finally steps out of the den, Ukko can scarcely look in her direction. His dark orange eyes dart away and stare at something else. His features set in stone, jaw grinding, and he scoffs at the question.

“That,” he pauses long enough to bring his attention back to her, “is up to you.”

He shows his teeth to keep her from getting too close but not a sound arises in his chest. He feels his heart nearly leap from his chest. Whether it has been Asterr’s voice in his head that those children are his or the chance that… maybe they are, he finds himself stuck in limbo between disconnect and duty.

“I have no interest in raising some other man’s litter,” he tells her, resisting the urge to glance toward the den. He knows he can’t see them from here, nor can they see or hear him, but the urge remains. “They are mine.” He jerks his nose toward the den then and gives it only a glimpse while taking a step closer. “He is not welcome anywhere near here or them again.” This time, Ukko growls, but he breaks the stare with the woman through the duration. He falls silent then, sweeping his gaze back up to see if Asterr will challenge him.

She hadn’t known what to expect from him. To at least look at her, perhaps, but he had not and so she’d abandoned the thought. All she could hope was that, in the very least, he’d not take off again. And so when his answer was given, it should have put her at ease, but had instead done the exact opposite. A cocktail of unease, concern, and worry flowed all throughout her body and then deposited into her stomach, where it would settle and harden. Each second that passed her by only added onto the weight, whilst the flash of his teeth had made it increase tenfold in an instant. She’d kept herself from taking another step forward after that, essentially gluing herself to the earth.

As he spoke, she listened closely. The first statement to be made had left her expecting the worst. Did it mean that he planned to leave? Not a word was said as she waited to hear what else he might say, which had been for the best, she’d realized. For the next thing to be said had given her hope—hope that he would not leave them all behind, that he would stay with them. Yet, it was a feeling that she hadn’t been left to focus on, for Damien was brought up. Whilst he’d not been mentioned by name, she knew who the he in question was without having to really think about it. The first thing that she could think to say was, “Without my brother here, I cannot send word to him.” Another that had left, and whose whereabouts were unknown.

Asterr was quiet for a moment, searching for the right words to say. Could she keep her friend away? Truthfully, she didn’t know, and likely wouldn’t find out until she was put in the position to do so. She would try, though, knowing that the tribe and those within it came before outsiders. There was also the concern that, if Ukko was their father, having another male around would only confuse or destroy them, which she couldn’t allow to happen. “If he arrives at the lair’s entrance, I will turn him away,” she’d decided. Some part of her knew that doing so would likely be better for everyone involved, but that hadn’t prevented her from feeling somewhat guilty.

Ukko doesn’t have a clue how Asterr will say. Part of him expects her to cave to his demand, giving she’d spoken nothing of the brute in the two months they’d been together, but if the children really belonged to him, at least in their blood, would she deny him? When she speaks, indicating there is nothing she can do now, he almost announces he’d make the trip himself but a death sentence isn’t what he’s looking for. Instead, he stiffly nods his head and accepts it as best as he can. Perhaps, if given the chance, he can find someone else to make the trip but he fears he’d be equally sending them to their demise.

He nods then, finding himself unable to speak but he clenches his jaw to steady himself. While they may be his only connection to this place anymore, he can’t risk losing the firm ground he’s been able to stand upon. “And I will no longer serve beneath you. I will not be your guard or your Shogun,” he begins again, this time his voice a little darker as he steels his gaze with hers. Ukko doesn’t know exactly what he deserves, or what might make up for it, but he knows that forgiveness is a long way off and if he can hardly stand to look at her, he isn’t certain how worth it.

“Or your mate.”

For now, it seemed as if her word would be enough to get by on. Though she knew not yet how well she would do if forced to send her friend away, at least an attempt would be made. Yet as soon as she’d decided that she’d do so, Asterr found herself wishing that he might never visit again. Not because she wished to keep him away from the hatchlings, per se, but because him staying away would be far easier to deal with than having to tell him to leave. The tribe came first, that was how it had always been, and this she knew. It was something that had been engraved into her mind day after day from the moment she was born, up until the moment she’d left her family, and still did there exist continuous reminders even after having created a new home for herself. Still, that didn’t make the idea of abandoning a friend any easier to deal with.

She kept quiet as he spoke, taking it all in. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it before any words could come out. A nod was given, though it troubled her to hear what had been said. No longer a guard to her alone, nor the tribe’s Shogun. He wanted something greater, to not be trapped beneath her any longer, which was understandable. And though she was uncertain, both of him and his ability to serve, she could not see any other option. True, she could deny him, but then what? Surely he would leave, and she’d be left to look after both the girls and their home by herself. Whilst she did not think herself to be incapable, the amount of stress could become overwhelming, and a tired mind was not something that she could afford to have. After taking a breath to calm herself, she’d said, “Then I suppose you will have to be the tribe’s Chieftain.” Not hers, but theirs.

Briefly, she’d thought the curtain to have been drawn on their conversation, which wasn’t the case. He’d another statement to make, one of which that had left her without an immediate response to give. “I—,” she stopped herself, mouth closing and ears folding. “As you wish.” There had never been any affections between them, anyways. It was only out of necessity that they’d become mates, nothing else. And though she’d quickly reminded herself of this, she’d still felt hurt by his words. Perhaps not as badly as she could have been, but there was definitely a constricting feeling within her chest that she could recall having only ever felt a handful of times in her life.

There are no objections to the things he wants, or doesn't want, and so eventually his hardened gaze turns away from her. He expected a little resistance and he stands there for a few seconds as he decides what to do next. There isn't anything else on his list of desires for him to pursue and now he finds himself struggling to look at her. As much as he wishes for an answer to explain why this isn't so easy, he knows one will never come. Their time together has been short, but bonding, and what is meant to be a complete family has shattered.

Ukko glances toward her as she still stands nearby and then toward the den. They have a space to share, though he knows he won't sleep inside, but they will have to make nice for a while while the children are young. Her jaw tightens, his chest feeling tight, and he takes a few steps closer. He doesn't send a look back to the mother upon his approach but slowly he lowers down to peer inside to find three sleeping little girls. A heavy breath escapes him and he closes his eyes as he tries to pretend everything is normal.

None of it helps.

The lingers a little bit longer to try and settle his nerves but when he realizes it isn't going away, he slumps. His nose reaches out and he gently touches the puppies, innocent in this world and without a say in how their lives will turn out. He swallows a hard lump and slowly slips from the den to turn and look at Asterr again. His eyes can't settle on her for long as he shuffles back, giving her her space once more.

"I'm going to hunt. Are you hungry?" he asks. Perhaps much won't be different when things settle but the tension remains tight in his chest and shoulders. Even if he can hardly stand to look upon the woman, his duties to the children will unlikely change, and if that meant keeping her fed for them, then so be it.

When his gaze was no longer on her, she released a breath that had unknowingly been trapped within her lungs. She couldn’t think of anything that could be said, nor was she entirely sure whether or not his list of demands had been concluded. She kept herself quiet, waiting, wondering. Everything had gone so wrong, so quickly, and she couldn’t yet tell if anything could ever be fixed. It was still difficult to see what she had done wrong, exactly, but everything thus far had been proof enough that she was in the wrong—that, or Ukko was simply overreacting. Having never witnessed any behavior that might suggest he was the type to get worked up over nothing, she knew that it wasn’t the least bit likely that he would scream murder unless there was one. It was her fault, somehow, and she was to blame for the strife within her family.

Asterr shifted as he moved forward, turning her body enough to follow after him with her eyes. She was curious about what he was doing, but didn’t ask. She only watched, a bit on edge, to see what his intentions were. They knew nothing about what was going on around them, the hatchlings, and she couldn’t help but wonder about what would happen once they did. When they were older and capable of understanding what had happened, would they pick sides? It was her hope that they would never do such a thing, that her raising of them would be just as well of a job done as had been the case with her own parents. She wanted to be liker her mother—her grandmother, too—but given the rocky start to her family, she began doubting her ability to live up to the examples set and honour those that had come before her.

As he backed out of the den, she had expected him to leave. It was clear, now, that he had no more demands to make, which meant that there wasn’t a reason for him to linger any longer. Yet, he’d not left, but had asked a question instead. She looked at him for a moment before shaking her head. “You do not need to hunt for me anymore,” she told him. “You are not mine, and you do not serve me.” It was the tribe that he was now meant to serve and protect, but not her alone. “I will hunt for myself when it is necessary,” the girl added, turning her gaze away from him. She had hunted for both herself and Leo—whom she missed terribly—back when it was just the two of them, and so she would do the same now; birds, rabbits, and whatever other small animals she could find. Asterr would not allow for herself to accept the charity of a man who no longer shared a bond with her.

Ukko clenches his jaw when Asterr declines his offer. For a moment, he considers leaving it at that. Whatever this is, it isn’t going to be easy. The rift between them is already there and he knows he hurt her, somehow, but he doesn’t let himself feel guilty. Still, he knew his duties, and even if she may not connect that her health is pertinent to the health, he’ll continue to prove otherwise.

“I serve them and I will hunt for you while you are taking care of them,” he says. If they are taking nutrients from her, especially while they are nursing, he will do his job as their father. He has no clue if any of this will work out or if they can repair whatever relationship they had. Maybe it’ll turn around. Maybe when they are older, they won’t even need him; his entire future is a giant blur he can’t pull into focus. Regardless, he has a task. Instead of waiting for her response, he turns and trots off to keep this own promises.