Hushed Willows now she's in me and i can't let her go

for @Brilliance

She has tried her hardest not to impose on Delight's children.  She gives them space, she ignores them.  Other than come to a pack meeting, she's never asked them to do anything.  She wants to love them, and it almost physically pains her that she cannot dote upon them, especially in the absence of her own daughter.  Although she'd never give the thought a voice, she often wondered why it had to be sweet Ibis, and not the young man with the terrible attitude.  Every time the thought comes to her she's horrified with herself — but can she admit that she doesn't want that, on some level?

So she tries not to think about it.  She dotes upon her son, her wife, their children.  She avoids Delight, more or less, too.  She doesn't know how to handle it.  And this morning, she accidentally finds herself in the corner of the territory where her friend's children have been camping out.  She had wanted to explore it because she hadn't even really been out this way yet, but she realized her mistake as soon as she smelled their presence.  

Seabreeze made an attempt to swiftly leave this place, hopefully before she was found.

the days are short and colder and brilliance is tired most of the time. she sleeps a lot, she hides. she does whatever she can to simple get by with her head down. each passing day isn’t any easier than the last. solomon is still gone, queenie is still gone. delight and mali are here, too, but hardly. or maybe she’s hardly here, she doesn’t know.
 
she’s tired.
 
her eyes are more apparent and the muscles upon her little crown are sunken in. she’s hungry, most days, but she ignores it because her stomach hurts too and she cannot find a balance. if she eats, she throws up, and if she doesn’t, she doesn’t feel any better.
 
she is near mali’s hideout when she smells something she doesn’t like but she does not have the energy to fight it, or really react to it other than turn her head and see the woman. brilliance doesn’t go out of her way to stop her or tell her she can’t be here—she knows this is her land more than it is theirs—but she does not shy away. her thin, frail form stands there. if the wind were to blow just a little too hard, she might fall over, but for the moment she holds her ground to see if seabreeze is around for any particular reason.

She does not make it out before Brilliance finds her.  She knows less about the girl than she does the boy, who she is sure would have exploded at her by now for daring to exist in his presence.

But Brilliance just stands there quaking.  It looks as if she doesn't even want to use all the space that her body takes up, that asking her to would be something she's incapable of.

Seabreeze felt like that once, too.  She swallows and turns her eye over her shoulder as she contemplates just leaving.  But she can't.  And she knows she can't.

Hey.

it is an awkward silence when they come face to face and she thinks seabreeze will turn and go. they’ll continue to exist in the same space without any real interaction and brilliance is okay with that. now, if she’d only keep her kids to herself, too, everything would be even better. instead, she doesn’t go anywhere, and offers a friendly hey. pleasantries and politeness, probably. brilliance rolls a shoulder of indifference. “hey,” she say back, waiting for the other to keep going so she can… go back to whatever it was she was doing. which isn’t really much of anything.

She prepares herself for the inevitable explosion.  Tick, tick tick, the seconds go by, the timer counts down.  But nothing happened.  Hey, the girl offers reluctantly as she rolls a shoulder.

Thank you, she says.  For not running me off. If anything it's a start. This is where you're staying?

thank you.
 
brilliance stares at her, not sure what to say. she stays silent for a few seconds, glancing away. “you’re the leader,” she says. she learned a little by her father being a leader at the bolder. at least, she understands the difference. mali may not but maybe he hasn’t seen the same things she has. it doesn’t matter. nothing really does. “sometimes,” she say. it’s evident enough, apparently, and she’ll probably have to find somewhere else to stay for a while.

I'm one of them, she says, as if her position carries no weight.  It doesn't really; she has never carried herself with authority unless it has been absolutely necessary.  She doesnt find it necessary here.

If you want, I can ... stay out.  It's hard to respect your space if I dont know where to expect you. This can be your own safe area.

But she hopes that Brilliance will come find her, sometime.

the offer to stay out of their space throws her off guard. her ears twitch a little and she softs (marginally). @Mali would certainly like it if they stayed out of their space. “maybe, i don’t think mali would like anyone else here,” she says and looks elsewhere. maybe he’ll show up but she realizes she doesn’t want that. she’s tired of the screaming and anger but her feelings have hardly swayed and it’s easier to keep her head down.

I'm sure he wouldn't like me here, either. Brilliance seems to be different.  At least for now, while she is too tired to really fight it.  

Maybe now is the best time to breach the resentment lingering between them.  She sucks in a shaky breath and looks to the ground before she turns her soft blue-green eyes to the girl again. You don't have to respond to this, I just... feel it needs to be said.  I know I'm not your mother.  Just as you are not my lost daughter.  But I'm willing to walk alongside you through it.  If you'll have me.

Afraid of some explosive response, she stands, ready to leave, but also ready to... sweep in? Stand there? Whatever the girl's grief allows.

seabreeze keeps talking instead of… just going away. she isn’t aware of a lost daughter. did she mean the grey girl? elliethea or something? she tries not to think about them but confusion still crosses her face. maybe there was another one but she tends to only remember the loud and annoying ones.
 
“through what?” she tests, her voice even still. seabreeze doesn’t know what she’s going through, lost daughter or not. she’s got others, at least. and they have two mamas to choose from, even if one left. brilliance takes a breath, sniffling back her obvious upset but rolls her eyes to try and brush it off as simple annoyance.

Hardship, she says gently as she holds her ground. She is walking a fine line, and its treading thinner the longer she stays.  

I dont have a mom, either.  Or a dad.  Or brothers and sisters.  Maybe she does, out there somewhere, but she can't remember them and that's essentially the same thing. It hurts.  I went through it alone.  I know you have Mali, but. 

She sucks in a breath as she gathers herself.  She can't cry here in front of the girl she is supposed to be comforting.  If you wanted, you could have me, too.

way to make her eat her thoughts, seabreeze. brilliance tries to imagine what it would be like to not have papa or mali. with the absence of her mama and solomon, she doesn’t have to think as hard. just… twice as bad, or whatever. besides, she has her family now and hers remains in shambles, following them around like they didn’t once matter.
 
brilliance shakes her head, not sure what she wants. in a weird way, she still wants her mama but she knows deep down she’d never accept her back. she’s abandoned them twice now and she’s hardly survived the second go-round.
 
still, she hears the sadness in her voice and perhaps the only reason she comes in neutral with a response and a quiet, “i don’t know.”

That's okay, she says gently.  Shes reminded just in this moment of Qilaq, who she should check up on again soon.  You don't have to know.  

She offers an understanding, tired smile.  I'll leave you be for now. She doesn't want to overstay her welcome.  But if you want company... you can come find me.  Any time.

she doesn’t have anything else to say. seabreeze doesn’t push the situation any more than the initial suggestion. surely there is some other motive hidden away. a replacement for a mother and daughter. she doesn’t want to replace queenie or be someone else’s replacement. why can’t they just… want her? she bites back the question and remains quiet, watching the woman make her departure.