Sick to my stomach, a heart that needs mending

@Blue Willow

Kisu dragged along, beating himself up. If a wolf could get drunk, he would be doing it right now. He hadn't wanted to lead Amelie on, he did not have any intention of hurting her — the emotions and decisions that came to him were just as sudden to him as they were to her.

But, here he was. Feeling absolute guilt, and still feeling like a piece of his heart was gone. Would he ever get out of the cycle? It was like every mate he had was destined to a horrible death. Kisu longed for a partner to love and care for. He was best as a Warrior, but it was decided by his heart that having a mate was even better.

Blue was walking like a wraith among the trees, lost in her own thoughts. She was fairly certain that Fox would say no to the plea of Peregrine and Lasher, so she didn't even bother to think to closely on puppies. And sadly that was the alpha females right. She would not have been so hasty with such a decision, but she was neither rash or foolhardy like the red furred fox. So she just continued doing her daily motions, and stocking up while hunting, winter was fast approaching, it was already Autumn.

As she walked she came along Kisu, and he looked a little worse for wear. She chuffed gently to get his attention. Are you okay Kisu? You look like you've had a bad day.

Kisu did something that he'd never done before. He poured his emotions out all over the forest floor, just as he'd spilled the contents of his stomach just moments before. "Can I not just find love that does not end with my mates being taken from this world in the worst ways? I simply want a mate to love and care for, and to watch our family grow. Why can I not just have that?" His voice was quiet in the end, but full of frustration.

"I do not know how I won the heart of Pied, but she took part of it with her. I want a female I can hold and love, knowing that my heart would not be ripped away from my chest." The grey male paused and looked at the ground. "I am so tired of being tired. Feeling like my efforts never matter." His body felt heavy with exhaustion, but when didn't it feel that way? The male couldn't remember the last time he'd felt at peace.

Blue simply stared for a moment, trying to wrap her mind around what he was saying. It was very seldom that Kisu spoke about his own personal feelings and thoughts. She frowned in deliberation, trying to figure out the right words to soothe him. None came to the forefront of her mind, so she shot from the hip so to speak. Kisu you will find it, I do not know what happened to your first mate? And Pied was a matter of circumstance, there was a lot going on there. She knew the risks and she wanted to have your children anyway. And you can watch your family grow. You will find that special someone to grow old with fates haven’t decide when yet that’s all. It is important not to give up as you are doing though.

What efforts do you speak? Have you tried to win the heart of another? Perhaps that one was just not ready for a mate? She didn’t know the circumstances, but to her it sounded as if he was looking for another. Sometimes Kisu you have to stop actively looking, to let that one find you?

The grey male looked down and shut his eyes tightly. When looked back up, his face was twisted for a short moment. "I thought I had feelings for Amelie — I mean, I do, but I cannot be with her. She is young and inexperienced and she should have better. " He paused. "I know what you are going to say, Blue Willow. That age does not matter, it is only the heart that does. But, in my heart, I feel as if it is wrong."

The words had spilled from Kisu's mouth rather quickly, and he was breathing heavily, staring at Blue Willow and wondering what the Hell was wrong with him. "I just feel so lost..." He whispered hoarsely, staring into nothingness.

Blue froze at the mention of her daughter and for a brief moment she wanted to tear into the male before her. Rip him entirely apart limb by limb, so he was to blame for her daughters sadness as of late. She however took a deep breath, she was a mother, but she was also the beta and sometimes especially in moments like this she had to tread carefully, no matter how badly she wanted to scream and rage at him with a mother's anger. Not to mention that her daughter was over a year old now, and she had promised not to interfere past this in matters of the heart. Blue looked at him and spoke softly I think Kisu that you are still grieving and you are moving far too quickly. I am sure you do have feelings for Amelie, but you cannot do anything with them, especially while your heart still lies in the grave. It has only be a few months Kisu. Why don't you work hard on making yourself happy, loving yourself. After all you can only love someone else when you love yourself. Then revisit your feelings. However, I would explain it to Amelie what you are doing. I cannot promise she will wait, as you said she is young, but she is also a good girl. and she will probably be willing to give it a chance later, even if there is a chance it will not work.

Blue sighed We all feel lost time to time, it's that we find the end that matters, we don't just lie down and give up. She stared at him thought about telling him she would kill him if he hurt Amelie too bad, but decided she would call him down first and then deliver that small little detail.

Golden eyes looked off into nothing. "I will never love myself, and I can never be happy." Kisu left his words at that, reverting back into the true wolf he was: one of little words, and hardly any emotion.

Turning his head, he decided to add. "She needs to love someone else. Someone worth her time." He narrowed his brow in frustration, but it quickly vanished into a face made of stone.

Blue eyes flashed fire and she spoke softly, yet her words held a slight edge to get her point across; you are a fool Kisu. You are so willing to give up, because you don't like a little pain. Listen up and listen well, a little pain it helps you grow, it helps you learn. It stinks it really does, pain is awful, but without it you would not grow into the wolf you are supposed to be. Yes it is terrible that you have lost loved ones, and yes it is terrible that you are alone. But it is your own fault, because you are not willing to try. You have to love yourself you really do or you will get nowhere!. She grew quiet and wanted to shake him. She absolutely abhorred when others acted like sulky children, simply because they had gotten hurt. Granted yes his pain was terrible and it was probably unbearable at the best of times, but grief was natural, death was natural. She knew that pain was inevitable if you were to have any friends or family or children it was the way of the world. he best learn that now. She did not like to speak so rudely with others, but she figured that Kisu was not one to mince words with, and she should tell it like it is.

Blue shook her head I never took you for a coward Kisu. You are afraid to put yourself out there to get hurt again. Pain is inevitable in the world, even if you never have another mate. You will get hurt you have children and friends.

Kisu wondered why she was yelling at him. His grief would be constant, permanent. It was inevitable. He'd always thought of Red Heart, even with Pied. Red Heart was a memory filled with innocence and pain. Kisu did not love Pied any less. But when Pied was taken away as well... it was unbearable.

The male thought about Amelie, and knew he was right. She deserved someone else. His mind switched to his children. They would be fine on their own. They thought of Peregrine as their real father anyway. Maybe they would question where he'd gone once or twice, but Kisu knew that they would not miss him. No one here would.

The world had become dark and grey, just like the overcast sky. "It is time for me to leave. I have always been better on my own than with a pack." Golden eyes looked down at the forest floor, sadness apparent in them. He was thinking of his first pack. His father's pack, and then... his. He'd already wondered dozens of scenarios as to what could have been done differently, and he'd probably think of dozens more for the rest of his life. A tortured soul is what he was to forever be. "I thank you for being a kind-hearted leader. Some do not realize that ruling with both strength and compassion is a must. Be sure to stand tall and be defiant if you believe in something." A brief pause came as a startle, for Kisu didn't know what else to say. He turned away.

Blue was not trying to yell at him, she was trying to point out that it was normal for him to feel badly. That his grief would never go away, but he needed to continue through it. He needed to work through it, and most of all he needed to love himself. If he felt that he wasn't worth it, then he wasn't. That seemed so terrible, but it was true. If you thought you were worthless or some such thing you sabotaged your own relationships without meaning too.

Blue Willow sighed I will be sorry to see you go Kisu, but if you feel you must I will not stop you. But we will always be here if you should decide that you do not want to be alone anymore. Then she grew quiet and let him go, she would allow him his brevity, he needed it clearly.