Redhawk Caldera all for nothing

Pantaleimon was in full-blown dilemma since she had returned from Redtail Rise. Reek didn't want her to be with Perry at all, but he'd only met Perry in a negative setting. If they'd get to know each other, then Pan was sure they would like each other. Reek had adviced her, before he knew it was Perry, to confront the guy and tell him how she felt. Pantaleimon considered this, but she knew that there was only one outcome to that situation, and that it was going to hurt like hell. Heck, Pan wasn't even sure if she could stay in the pack if she would do that. But where would she go, and moreover, what would she find elsewhere that she didn't have here?

Pan stood by the lake and looked into the water. She looked at her big nose and the broad, bumpy bridge of her nose. Beside the soft and sad expression in her eyes, Pan found nothing resembling a female. Then why did she feel like one so much? What was wrong with her? "No one will ever love you the way you want them to, stupid," Pan whispered hoarsely at the water, at her own masculine expression. If she'd leave Perry because she wanted exclusivity, who knew where she'd end up. It seemed better to keep on living the lie and always being second best in the romance area. It was still better than being all alone, Pantaleimon grimly realised when she stared down at her own ugly mug.

He had forgotten that, like Sebastian, Pan had mentioned taking a trip beyond the caldera. From the moment he'd remembered, he'd eagerly anticipated his companion's return. When he caught the male's scent, strong and fresh on the breeze, Peregrine immediately made a beeline toward its source. He discovered Pan sitting by the lake and smiled broadly, tail waving. He trotted to join the pale Epsilon, momentarily unaware of his forlorn mood.

"Pan! I'm glad you're back," the Alpha said genuinely, arriving at Pan's side and offering him a sloppy lick to the side of his face. "What're you doing?" he asked, peering briefly at the water. "Narcing?" he quipped, then his jade eyes actually rested on Pan's expression and his brow furrowed. "Something the matter?" he inquired a bit anxiously, touching his nose to the side of the other male's neck and seating himself.

Pantaleimon was violently pulled from her depressing thoughts when Peregrine popped up beside her, seemingly out of nowhere. She had not noticed his approach at all, and startled visible when he spoke up. She looked at him with widened eyes before calming down again when he said that he was glad she was back. Pan couldn't help but feel a quavering smile creep onto her face when Perry licked the side of her face. She wasn't sure what 'narcing' was, but those words were quickly replaced by words of worry anyway.

"I..." Pan mumbled, not sure what to say. "I'm just a bit c-confused, I guess..." Pan smiled awkwardly, not wanting to lie to Peregrine, but neither wanting to spill all the beans regarding what was going on inside of her. When Peregrine sat down, Pantaleimon reached out to bury her face in the side of his neck, wanting nothing more than to be close to him right now.

When Pan spoke, Peregrine felt a coldness in the pit of his belly. He sensed it might have something to do with him (speaking of narcissism...). But before he could ask, Pan thrust his face into the side of the Alpha's neck. Automatically, Peregrine arched it to accommodate his companion, then gave the white Epsilon's muzzle a gentle lick. He wanted to know what was on Pan's mind, though first he wanted to make sure the other male felt comfortable.

"Can I help?" he asked eventually, swapping licks for nuzzles as he touched his damp nose to the top of Pan's.

Pantaleimon didn't really want anything in the world but to be beside Peregrine in the moment, and forget about everything that was going on in her mind. Life was confusing, even though she had never been happy before she had been thrust into this life. But with her new freedom came difficult choices and emotions that she had never had the need to show or work with before. And beside that was the war raging between Redtail Rise and Redhawk Caldera. What could they do about that? If only Perry and Reek would get along; it would already have taken much of the complexity out of the situation.

Though there were many things that she wanted to say when Perry offered his help, Pan wasn't quite sure what to say. "I visited Reek at Redtail Rise," Pan murmured. "I just... It's painful, I - I guess, that we can't... That our packs are at odds. I wish there was something I could do..." Pantaleimon felt like a terrible traitor for lying in Peregrine's face about her worries. She was worried about the war that raged between the packs, of course, but that wasn't why she was presently confused. Pan felt like a dumbass for busying herself with keeping her gender identity from Peregrine rather than actually fully focussing on the war between their packs like she said she did. It made her feel like a terrible wolf, not only to lie to Peregrine, but also to be so focussed on herself at a time like this.

Although Peregrine stiffened somewhat at the mention of Reek and Redtail Rise, he did not remove his nose from Pan's right away. He lingered, then gave the male a distracted nibble as he withdrew just far enough to look his companion in the eye. When he didn't immediately capture the Epsilon's gaze, he waited silently until Pan looked at him.

"There's nothing to be done, Pan. All wolf packs are at odds; we are natural rivals," he said softly. "Granted, the stakes are a bit higher with certain packs," he admitted, then lapsed into a silence that lasted a good twenty seconds before speaking again. "I won't go as far as to forbid my members—my adult members anyway—from exercising their free will. But it might be dangerous to go that far from the caldera. We can't protect you out there. I'd hate it if something happened to you..." He reached up and brushed his muzzle along Pan's temple. "I'm not sure what to tell you, Pan, but I'm sorry you're hurting."

He didn't feel like he'd done a particularly good job at comforting his pack mate, yet Peregrine was having trouble sympathizing, particularly because of the wolf in question. (What drew the tenderhearted Pan to that mouthy piece of shit anyhow?) He had loved ones out there too, in packs that would otherwise love to hurt him. It was definitely difficult, no matter how much he resolved that only his pack mattered. He could understand Pan's conflict to some extent, though more and more these days, Peregrine was going back to his old ways: stay close to home, don't mingle with outsiders and protect the pack.

i love how the character with the warning label slapped on it is referring to others as 'that mouthy piece of shit', haha <3

All of the things Peregrine told her in response, Pantaleimon really kinda knew. Heck, she even knew it was dangerous to go and see Reek right now. What if she'd run into less friendly members of his pack, and they'd smell Peregrine and Fox so presently on her fur? It was a far journey North, and Pan knew it was wiser to just let her relationship with Reek fizzle out into nothingness... But he'd been the first wolf in a long time to give her belonging and hope when they had both been in Ankyra Sound. Maybe Pan just wasn't ready to let go of the Siren part of her life yet and Reek was the last thing that reminded her of it, or perhaps she didn't want to be an ungrateful shitty friend by letting things fizzle after he had made her feel like she wasn't a worthless piece of shit.

"You're right, of course," Pan mumbled, with an expression on her face that showed that she was feeling like a total dipshit about the whole thing. She just needed to... well, man up.

"There's something I..." Pantaleimon tried to search for words, but she couldn't seem to find the ones she wanted to -- or should -- say. "You, uhm... You asked me a lot about - about what I want from you, and I, uhm... I wondered what - well, what I'm t-trying to say is, what do you want from me..?" Pantaleimon looked away while she talked, and when she finished with a lingering question, she looked up at Peregrine, her soft silver eyes bashfully expressing rare curiosity.

Reek called him names! (They were accurate, lulz.)

He was momentarily scared that he might have hurt Pan's feelings with his rather insensitive take on the matter. But his companion seemed to understand, even it he was rather resigned about it all. The way he mumbled tapped something deep inside Peregrine, causing him to sweep to the Epsilon's side and drape a paw over the other wolf's shoulder, even though that probably isn't anatomically possible.

Before he could do a better job of reassuring Pan, the white wolf spoke instead. He talked in stops and starts, giving Peregrine plenty of time to come up with a response before he even finished. "All I want is the pleasure of your company, Pan," the Alpha answered sincerely. "I want to be your friend... or more than your friend. Whatever you want, whatever you're comfortable with."

He paused long enough not to seem overeager before turning the question around on his counterpart. "But what about you? What do you want from me?" he wondered softly.

'The pleasure of your company'. What did that even mean? Perry explained that he wanted to be Pantaleimon's friend, or more -- at the mention of 'more', Pan's stomach exploded into a shower of butterflies -- but what did that mean? It didn't answer the question, only fired it right back at Pan, as if she was in charge of... well, whatever it was that they had. Pan wasn't too sure, because Perry didn't exactly answer the question with anything other than 'I want to be what you want me to be'. It did not irritate Pan: as a matter of fact, it only made her feel more insecure, and wonder if she had phrased the question wrong or if something else was the matter with her. She wasn't too used to being in charge of anything, least of all a could-be relationship.

Pan was popped from her thoughts when Perry literally turned the question back onto her. Pan looked at Peregrine's paw on her shoulder, feeling warm inside, and looked back at him. "I... I just want to be close to you," she mumbled, voice low because the words were meant for no one but Peregrine. "I love --" Awkward pause. "Uhm, love to be with you." Pantaleimon grinned awkwardly after her stunt with words, although she imagined it mustn't be new to Peregrine. Seeking out his eyes for the first time in probably ever, Pantaleimon quietly said: "I want, uhm... more." After which she averted her eyes back to the paw resting on her shoulder; not because she didn't want to look into his gorgeous eyes more, but out of habit and nervosity.

Pan said he just wanted to be close to Peregrine, which made a pleasurable heat lick in the pit of the Alpha's belly. "I want to be close to you too," he murmured in his companion's pale ear. He felt his heart skip a bit when Pan began to say something which included the word love, though the Epsilon quickly clarified. A smile tugged at the swarthy wolf's lips. As ever, Pan's awkwardness endeared Peregrine to him.

But then Pan boldly sought his gaze and declared he wanted more and Peregrine liked that too. His lips parted. "Would you like to be my lover?" he asked in a pointed but soft voice. "I would like to be yours," he admitted readily and continued by saying, "You're special to me, Pan. I want you to know that. I want the pack to know too." Obviously, Fox already knew about the pair but Peregrine would be happy to make things both official and public. He did not imagine anyone would take issue or be surprised.

A shiver ran down Pantaleimon's spine when Perry admitted he wanted to be close to her, too. She wanted to tell him what she had told Reek, all of it, but found herself unable. Baby steps. Maybe some day she would find the courage to speak to Peregrine about it, but for now she wanted to do nothing that could possibly ruin the chances of them ending up together, happy.

When Peregrine suggested them to become lovers, Pan's face felt hot. She was still not entirely sure where that would place her, but she didn't really care as she hastily answered: "Yes! Yes, I would like that a lot!" In hindsight, perhaps it would not have been too early to finish her sentence as she had intended -- I love you -- but she was still glad she had held off on it. The last thing Pan wanted to do was to move too fast and say things that were too heavily loaded right now. The time just wasn't right.

Pan wondered about the implications it would have, what the pack would think, but a moment later she forgot all about those worries when she looked into Peregrine's eyes again and then moved in to gently lick his cheek.

Pan's understated reaction caused Peregrine's features to split into a broad grin. His cheeks felt like they might split, especially when his new lover reached out to kiss one. He happily returned the favor, smoothing his tongue over the fine bone beneath the pale Epsilon's eye. He then placed a softer lick on the edge of his jaw, near the corner of his mouth. He often exchanged licks with his pack mates, yet never right on the mouth, except with Fox... and, now, Pan.

"I'm happy," he announced softly, tail wagging. He hoped his companion was too. "I can't wait to spread the news. Hey, I have an idea," Peregrine thought aloud. "Fox and I have been talking about taking the pups out to observe their first pack hunt. I'd like to announce our relationship while the pack's gathered for that. Then it can be like a celebration." The Alpha knew enough about Pan to intuit he might not want to be the center of attention. "I'll be right beside you." Indeed, the Alpha intended for Fox to stand on one side and Pan on the other at pack gatherings from now on.

"Maybe after that," he continued a moment later, having given Pan a moment to digest and react to the idea, "you could start sleeping with us at the rendezvous site." Truthfully, Peregrine would like for all of the pack to consider it home; it was certainly spacious enough to accommodate all of them. But so far, it sort of belonged solely to the Alpha pair's immediate family, which now included Pantaleimon.

Pan's stomach fluttered when Peregrine licked her cheek, close to the side of her lips. She smiled softly when Perry said he was happy; she felt happy, too, even though she hadn't had the guts to tell him about that other thing just yet. She would. In time. Some day. Just... Right now things were moving fast enough as it were, and she wanted to, well, give it some time.

Peregrine talked about letting the pack know at a pack hunt, and Pan swallowed, feeling a little uneasy, but didn't want to take back what she had said. She did want this, just... it wasn't exactly as she intended, and she wasn't sure she was ready to tell everyone yet when she didn't even know what it was that they had, exactly, herself. But it was better than nothing, and so Pan nodded in agreement. "Yes, that - that'd be fine," she said with a bashful smile that reflected how intimidated it made her feel that they were taking these steps, even if it was what she wanted.

Pan considered sleeping at the rendezvous site. She did like Perry and Fox' pups a lot, so that was okay. Pan just wasn't so sure what Fox thought of her, even though she always acted nice. Especially after what'd happened to Junior and how she had demoted Peregrine, even if was just for a little while, Pan was a little scared of her. Not that she'd tell Perry that, of course. Pan took a couple of minutes of looking thoughtful before she eventually agreed: "Yes... Uhm, yes, I think I'd like that." She added: "Maybe... Maybe sometimes, we - we could still find a quiet spot for uhm, for the two of us..?" It'd be nice to be with the pups and Perry -- and Fox, but Pan was less pleased about that bit -- but it would also be nice to be alone with him at times. It was easier to pretend everything wasn't complicated and it was just the two of us then.

Pan agreed to the celebration, even if he seemed intimidated by the whole thing. "I want to show you off," Peregrine murmured reassuringly, passing his tongue over the Epsilon's cheek in a sloppy kiss. "And commemorate... this." He gestured at Pan, then at himself, and there was a happy flicker in his jade eyes.

His lover asked if they could share a private spot too and the Alpha bobbed his head. "Of course. I enjoyed stealing those moments with you at the lake. We could stay there sometimes or find somewhere else... maybe somewhere more private?" He licked his lips and looked carefully at Pan's face. Peregrine didn't want to place any pressure on Pan to get physical, though after making things official, he would be a liar if he said he didn't want to take their relationship to that level.

"I don't want to pressure you into anything you're not ready for. But whenever you are ready, I'd love to show you some things," the swarthy wolf continued in a low voice. With Lasher, he had been the apprehensive, virginal one. There was something undeniably exciting about being on the other side of the table. The idea of teaching Pan and showing him the ropes regarding physical intimacy actually made heat flicker in his lower belly.

"You set the pace and I'll be happy with whatever, whenever," Peregrine finished with a gentle nudge.

Pantaleimon was nervous at the thought of being showed off, but at the same time it was a nice thought to finally be something, well, official. She'd tell Perry about everything else on her mind later, maybe -- for now, she didn't want to ruin the situation they had going here right now.

When Peregrine said that he didn't want to pressure Pan and that she could set the pace, Pan wasn't sure what the pace she wanted was. She did like spending time with Perry at the lake... And she liked the thought of having a private place. "I'd love to have a place of uhm... us." Pantaleimon smiled as she looked up at Peregrine while she said 'us'. She could pretend like he was all hers in those moments she could steal away in their private place.

Peregrine mentioned showing Pan 'other things', and Pan felt a nervous jitter in her stomach. "Other, uhm... things?" she asked awkwardly, grinning bashfully. Again, she was asked to set the pace, as with most of their relationship thus far. The truth was, Pantaleimon was not sure what she wanted. The thought of sex had always been particularly unappealing to her, since she didn't feel like a guy, but she wondered if it would be different if things were the other way around.

Pan seemed confused, which was very adorable and virginal of him. It served as a reminder to the much more experienced Peregrine: he needed to slow down and pay close attention to his partner's signals. He didn't think he'd have a problem with that, as teaching Pan was going to be a delightful experience. But Peregrine knew he could be a selfish lover too. He thought briefly of Lasher, then shoved that thought into the trash can in the back of his mind.

"Yeah, like pleasurable things. Sex," Peregrine said baldly, not wanting to beat around the bush or risk confusing Pan further. "We don't have to jump into any of that right now. But if you're interested, I am too. There's a lot of pleasure to be had in life and I'd love to share some of it with you." He snorted lightly, then nuzzled the velveteen fur beneath Pan's right ear before playfully sticking his tongue in there.

Sex. Pantaleimon briefly thought back to that time with the girl in Sirensong Cove. But it was different now. Peregrine wasn't a girl, after all. Pan found herself wondering what sex would be like, what would be expected of her. How she'd do. She smiled nervously when Peregrine explained, and wondered if she'd like sex at all, if she'd find it pleasurable. If there was any form of it that she would like, despite her mismatched body.

The question was soon answered when Perry stuck his tongue in her ear, causing Pan's heart to skip a beat. Pan had intended to answer Perry's inquiries about sex, but the answer, as well as Pan's ability to speak coherently, was lost in the moment.

Not entirely sure how his gesture might be received, Peregrine withdrew to look into Pan's face. He looked a little dazed, though not necessarily put off by the Alpha's forward behavior. Peregrine offered his companion a small grin and inquired, "Did you like that...?" If he did, that was only the beginning. For reasons the swarthy wolf himself didn't know, he did not feel the need to hold back as he had in the days of Lasher. He wanted to give to Pan, show him the skills his scorned lover had slowly taught him over their time together. He would not be so hesitant nor selfish with his new love.

Pantaleimon swallowed dryly, and it sounded like the world would hear considering the silence that surrounded them. Peregrine asked if she liked it, and Pan couldn't help but smile. When she had first come to Redhawk Caldera her smiles had been forced and wry, but they were slowly turning softer and more genuine, thanks to Peregrine. "Yes," Pan murmured, barely audible, and she looked at Peregrine, still smiling. Pan felt like the luckiest wolf in the world at that moment.

want to fade this out soon? :-)

Sure thing! :)

Pan's smile reached his eyes, a sight which really warmed the Alpha's heart. He wanted nothing more than to clutch his companion in a tight hug and snuggle him. He restrained himself long enough to say, "Good. There's more where that came from. But right now, let's just cuddle." He flashed his white lover a crooked grin. "Not many wolves get to hear that from me, so feel special," he quipped before gently licking Pan's cheek and guiding him somewhere comfortable to lie down and enjoy one another's warmth and company.

aight, feel free to post again or archive this as is!

Pantaleimon was glad when Peregrine suggested just snuggling. She was a little scared what would come after 'for now, let's...' but luckily there was no pressure there. Pantaleimon really did feel special, and when she was alone with Peregrine it was so easy to forget that Fox was in the picture too and that things were more entangled than she liked to believe. It was easy to believe that it was just her and Perry for the moment.

Pan nuzzled Perry's cheek while he got up and followed him wherever he lead. When they'd found a comfortable place to lay down Pan puzzled for a little bit until she found just the right spot by Perry's side and she snuggled up against him with a smile that expressed how happy she felt. Pan could stay like this forever.