He left before dawn, traveled tirelessly the entire day, slept near the river and then resumed his travels the following morning. He drew up to the plateau a few hours after daybreak, his eyes gleaming as he regarded his former home. He felt a mixture of sadness and joy to find himself here again. Peregrine knew better than to draw too near—some might still dislike him for turning his back on them—so he maintained his distance.
In fact, he didn't even call out for anyone. He figured it was only a matter of time before a Warden made a pass or someone spotted him purely by chance. Peregrine settled himself on his haunches, wondering about his children primarily but also everyone else he'd had to leave behind just under a month ago.
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blue willow had gone to visit peregrine, and presumably tell him of the arangement that herself and lasher had agreed upon. the gamma had not accompanied her; it was a conversation between deep friends, and the wounds rent in his heart had not yet healed. for the foreseeable future, he would not have visited the caldera.
but in his pursuit of a rabbit-bevy, a familiar and masculine scent caught his senses, and lasher halted at once, nares flaring in surprise — and swiftly the keen knife of sorrow hurt him, though he moved on dragging steps toward the border nevertheless.
peregrine waited there quietly, and lasher drank in the visage of his former lover, gaze trailing wistfully over the powerful shoulders and muscular body he had loved countless times over. peregrine,
taltos murmured, drawing near with the ghost of a smile upon his face. you are well, i hope?
Lasher smiled at him and offered a cordial inquiry. Peregrine did not answer immediately, as he was too busy trying to steady his breath so his voice didn't come out funny. He stared openly at Lasher for a few beats, then tore his gaze away and let it drop slowly to his paws.
"Yes, I'm doing well," he said softly. Um. "And you...?"
there was a raw tension between them; lasher at once both wished to sweep peregrine into a long-desired embrace, and curse him for throwing aside the plateau, and, he felt, their liaison. however, that was water beneath the proverbial bridge; lasher nodded in the panther's direction. i am well.
he did not reiterate what blue willow had told her companion — no need to dredge the blood out of a freshly opened wound.
please, come over the borders,
he invited quickly with his next breath. slipping headlong into the role of pacifistic host, taltos stood aside and waited patiently for peregrine to accept or refuse his offer.
there were, of course, reasons to refuse: the gamma included himself in that number.
"I can't... I'm not sure I can do this," he said haltingly, making no move to cross the borders, but not because he was worried about politics. "If I take one step closer to you, I'm going to have to fuck you like a wild animal." Which was, of course, exactly what he was, what they both were.
the vulgarity with which peregrine responded quickened lasher's heartbeat; he had heard it interlaced with loving words before, and tears sprang unbidden to his eyes, even as his body ached for the blackfurred devil. there was no question that he simply wished to succumb to their twinned desires, even consummate them here, if the mood so took them.
but he would not dismantle what he had built with blue willow so lightly. the lovely healer knew that it was a revolutionary union into which she entered, but lasher saw no reason to remind her of such.
lifting his chin, he proffered a gentle smile to the man, digging his toes into the loam as if that would halt his forward march. how is fox healing?
perhaps it was a harsh jab that would come of his words, but lasher felt he must slice through the want mounting swiftly between them before things became tangled and chaotic once more.
"She's almost good as new," Peregrine reported. They'd fucked like animals just the other day, something which he could've mentioned if he was the petty sort, or if he had any desire to hurt Lasher, which he did not in the least. Unlike Hawkeye, Peregrine did not hate this former flame. He did find himself wishing Lasher hadn't come; why was he torturing him like this?
He wanted to acknowledge Lasher's plans with Blue Willow. They were the elephant in the room, after all, and perhaps even the reason Lasher shut him down so immediately. Peregrine was truly happy for them, though he found he couldn't even bring up the subject. The mere thought made his insides ache queerly. He envied his best friend horribly in this moment.
"How're things here?" he forced out after a lengthy, discomfiting pause.
at the other's reaction, lasher's own ears folded, and he took an involuntary step forward, wanting with a sudden desperation to correct his words and soothe peregrine's obvious hurt. their responses to one another had become a stilted parody of a conversation, but it was understandable, yet when the devil asked of events at the plateau, knowing clearly what it was would transpire in the coming months.
i love you still, peregrine,
the gamma exclaimed suddenly, softly, which was not the answer to the man's inquiry but was what he wished to say all the same. yet he made no move to approach the devil; he had spoken out of turn, and his gaze soon fixed itself pointedly upon the earth.
"I still love you too, Taltos," the swarthy male whispered fiercely, fighting the urge to, at the very least, rush forward and embrace him. If he let himself do that, he might not be able to control himself. "Why are we doing this again? Why can't we be together? Why can't we at least love each other when we get the chance?" he pleaded.
Finally, a spark of logic broke through and he tried to quell the slight trembling that had begun in his limbs. "It would be too painful for you, wouldn't it?" he said, sounding a little crushed at the stark reminder. "I don't want to do anything to hurt you, Taltos." Defeated, he tore his eyes away from Lasher and let them drop again to his black paws.
he longed for peregrine; not touching the panther was a sword through his innermost heart, and his mouth trembled openly as peregrine first pled, then spoke with the light of understanding. yes,
was the mere word he could muster through choking sorrow, but when it had lifted momentarily, he spoke again. it would be unbearable to love you only in hidden moments, to know that there will forever be obstacles to our union. i am proud, peregrine, yes!
he cried hoarsely, but i do not think it unwarranted to desire love untainted by resentment.
why did you leave me?
he demanded suddenly, anger flaring as tears began their slow cascade along his cheek. you threw it all aside; your rule here, your companions, your family. me,
he continued, well aware he sounded selfish, though taltos was well past all care in that respect.
i loved you as i have loved no one else, peregrine, and you —
here he bit off his words briefly, a sob rising in his throat — and i cannot give you children, but i would have attempted each day to please you, to bring joy to your heart. i am not a jealous wolf, but i shall not be mistreated.
a long silence followed, during which he slumped heavily to his haunches, head reeling with the magnitude of his own outburst. i am sorry, peregrine. i do not wish you harm.
he gazed toward his lover, for the man would always be such to him, and a pained sigh escaped his lips. we are to be fathers, you and i. we will find solace in our children, and the continuation of life.
but even as he spoke, lasher knew the sentiment was futile.
Lasher's vehement words pressed Peregrine into a raw silence. He didn't interrupt the other male, not even to defend himself. Some of the words bred guilt, others engendered a bit of indignation, but they all hurt him.
"I did not leave you, nor mistreat you... at least, never in intention," Peregrine said quietly, begging Lasher to know that. "You and Fox were incompatible and there was nothing I could do to help that. Believe me, if there was anything I could've done, I would have. I would've done anything. Don't you understand that I love you both? But you needed to go and I only let you because I thought it was the only way you could be happy!"
Lasher tried to force them to move on, in conversation if nothing else. Peregrine struggled and ultimately failed in his ability to do so. "I can't do this," he repeated his earlier words. And yet he was reluctant to just turn tail and leave, not without doing what he'd come here to do.
"The last thing I want to do is dismiss you, Lasher. I never wanted you to go—not now, not ever. But... I came here to ask after my kids and see how everyone's doing. That includes you and Willow but I can't... I just can't," he finished, unable to articulate further.
edit: and you get my 300th post!
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the pleading in peregrine's voice hurt lasher deeply, for he knew he had hurt the man deeply, opening the wound that surely was not yet healed, as it was not for taltos. he was silent, tasting salt upon his lips, and when it came his turn to speak, he drew a shuddering breath and found he could not.
the salt in the soreness of the laceration, he knew, was himself and blue willow. dimly he noted the look upon the panther's face and nodded dumbly. junior is pursuing her trades, developing into a fine and fierce young woman. saena has found her voice, which is a well thing,
lasher blurted, his words stumbling over one another in their attempt to lock peregrine to the ground where he stood. pura is here. he is silent; he rarely speaks, but he is existent, and ty — she has fled us. a quarrel drove her, i believe.
he did not force the necessity of the conversation regarding himself and the healer; he had already bludgeoned peregrine once. he need not do it again.
It was difficult to heed Lasher's words, to digest them, when they were spoken in the voice that had once whispered sweet nothings into his ear and, much more recently, burned them to a crisp with scorned words. Somehow, Peregrine managed. It was a welcome reprieve, not having to struggle over what to say.
The news about Ty was effectively distracting too, catching Peregrine off guard and allowing him to speak at last. "A quarrel...? Where...?" But, of course, if Lasher had known where, he would have said as much. The father's lips pressed together with disquiet that had nothing to do with their torn-open lovers' wounds.
"Maybe she went to find her mother, as she certainly hasn't popped up at the caldera," Peregrine mused regretfully, very much wishing Tytonidae had come to him in her time of need. He worried for his elder, more innocent daughter. "Has anyone sent an Outrider that way?"
they had moved on to things not mundane, per se, but more important perhaps than their own sorrows. lasher nodded. i do not know the details, but i believe it was between the three sisters over something or another.
he had not pressed for he was unsure where to start, though he had sought ty himself. i have been looking for her, and i believe junior may have, as well. the assumption was that she was with you, but i see that is not the case. i will travel to the sunspire myself tomorrow.
in some way he felt as if he had failed tytonidae, though the fade-furred girl did not come to him for solace, either. taltos was just presently coming to know junior and saena, though he despaired of ever coming to acquaint himself with pura.
briefly his gaze flickered to peregrine's own, noting the worry there.
"Thank-you, Talt—Lasher," Peregrine said, withdrawing the name, which was more or less a term of endearment. "How long ago did this happen?" He couldn't help but wonder if Tytonidae and he had crossed paths at a distance and she might be waiting for him at the caldera even now. He felt certain Fox would keep her there until he returned, if that was the case.
"I want to be involved, you know," he found himself blurting a moment later. "With yours and Willow's pups. I told her that, by the time they're born, we should be able to be around each other without..." Peregrine made a gesture, abstractly indicating each of them and their present strife. "Do you think we'll be able to do that?" he asked haltingly.
the earthen servant shook his head ruefully. i heard of it only recently,
he admitted with an ashamed expression flitting across his face. peregrine's withdrawal of his title sent a sharp glissade of fresh agony cascading through his mind, but he did not correct the man.
at the other's suggestion, taltos drew a breath, murkwater eyes meeting the emerald gems set in the panther's face. yes, of course. i would love to see the beautiful pups that yourself and fox create, also. i know i will care for them as i have come to care for the older children,
he said softly. after all, they are a part of you.
"I meant to stay longer, to visit... but I have to go back to the caldera, in case she's there," Peregrine said, though they both knew there were other reasons for his quick departure. "Please give everyone my regards. Tell my kids I love them. I can't say when I'll be able to visit again, considering winter's nearly here and the pups will keep me busy early in the spring, if all goes according to plan..." He felt an ache as he was reminded that this was probably the last time he saw Lasher or anyone from the plateau, possibly until next year.
"I love you. I'll never stop." It was all he could think to say. Saying goodbye felt too pedestrian following that heartfelt confession, so Peregrine said nothing else. He held Lasher's gaze for a few breaths, then turned and hastily made his way back toward Redhawk Caldera.
nor will i,
he answered, putting into the back of his mind the remembrance to pass on peregrine's wishes. the snows might separate them, but the memory of this meeting would not, and all at once lasher wished he had not restrained himself, but given into the lust of their bodies.
he watched the devil depart, and, with a heavy heart, turned back into the embrace of the woodland, his heart ravaged once more, and self-loathing rising with bile into his throat.