i'd rather go out in a blaze of glory

@Burke set while just getting back to db! Also set in Balckfeather.. i posted in the wrong forum *face palm* 

She had walked begrudgingly back to the dark woods, upset at her own stupidity that had gotten her into the mess. Stupid cat.. stupid moonhips. Why the hell did she think that a skinny little kid was a friggin cat?! It was overly embarrassing. But she still could not ebb away the feeling that something was hidden, happening before her but she just didn't see it. She did not think that Burke was capable of going behind her back on something important, but the exchange of glances.. the closeness.. she was not stupid. Something was going on between the two packs that she did not know of. She would never accuse Burke of conspiracy, but what she assume was happening was overall, much worse.

Merging.

They were planning to join the packs. Well, some would have to be discarded of starting with that Issun person. Or it was an alliance, like a real one this time. It was the only thing she could come up with. But she had to know, if it truly concerned the pack. "What's going on?" Her tone was slightly demanding, but not on a disrespectful level. There was a hint of hesitance, as if she didn't want to know the answer but did at the same time. "Because I think as your Beta, you could trust me with something important.. at least I hope you do," She was soft on the last part, truly hoping that he actually did. "I just have that feeling, like I did before..." She trailed of, not wanting to even think about Peitro's death. "There's something going on, and I don't want to be pushy or rude but I think i'd have a right to know if it impacted the pack in any way," She had been confident before, but now she considered that maybe ignorance was bliss.

Luckily I found this! Tag didn't work. And wow... He talks. For once. :P

Burke walked with Nemesis. It seemed she had come a bit to her senses. But the alpha was worried, if Nemesis had another psychosis like that she would not be able to help him lead. He needed a strong team and even though he disliked to think Nemesis was weak, with this mental thing going on it could work as a disadvantage. He always continued and after having that talk with Malice it turned out it was really bad to hold his feelings to himself. Hence why Nemesis demanded what was going on Burke was not going to lie to her.

"Nemesis," he stated calmly, though she had hurt him greatly with the words she had spoken in her psychosis. He was not even sure if she remembered what she had said to him or about him. "One thing you must know about me is that I keep going, whatever happens. I never stop working or being there for the pack. When that storm hit and Meldresi was gone, I kept on leading. When Meldresi died, I did not stop, not a second. Now my son died too, whether it was anyone's fault or a case of bad luck, we don't know. Still I wanted to continue again, be a strong and reliable leader for the Brotherhood. I am not saying that this is good, maybe it will even be my down fall one day. Yet when Pietro died I had to get out. I needed someone and sadly, even though I am there for everyone in the pack as a counselor or therapist I don't have anyone. Not since Meldresi died. I can't do counseling or be a therapist with myself," he explained some of things that happened previously. That this has been going on longer than just now.

He looked at her for a moment as they walked. "Don't say I have you, because well, you are mated to Kove and it would give off the wrong impression. Or at least. I don't want to cross that boundary with you and Kove. Kendra was not able to communicate it seemed. Potema has been gone for so long and Cicero and Damien must be off somewhere. Others I do not feel the need to share things with. But now I will play. I will humor you and tell you all.

My heart is slowly dying with the loss of Meldresi, every day it hurt. No one asks and maybe none even dares to ask. Who knows. With my unresolved feelings about my mate, having Pietro die it only made that hurt, perhaps even agony, stronger. I needed someone close. No I wanted someone close. I wanted someone next to me. To have just one night where I don't feel miserable and alone. My mind is haunted, my heart is broken and my soul is slowly turning back to a certain darkness I had before. I might not seem as a lovable guy, but I realized I do have a lot of love to give. And when I give that love it is through selfless acts that no one sees or realize I'm doing. When I left the pack yesterday I did not really know where I was going but I ended up with Malice and she let me be me. You might not like her, but she was there for me and that was what I needed in that moment."

He bared his teeth a bit, not liking to talk about his feelings and it was clearly seen on his face. "So don't you dare judge me. I never choose for myself and today I did, and then this whole ordeal happened as a consequence. You know what that tells me? It shows that the Brotherhood needs me even more, even while my grief is eating me from the inside you all need me. What would have happened if I was not there, Nemesis? Would you have been killed? Or killed another wolf? Maybe even been injured even more if one had not taken charge and tried at least to get you out of your psychosis," Burke's worry was sincere and there was no arrogance found in his voice. He was genuinely showing his worry, hurt, grief and conflicted feelings. In his eyes he could never choose for himself because when he did things seemed to go even more south. "Can I still trust you to lead? What will we need to do for you to get this under control? Do you need to talk to me? Do you need herbs? We need to help you, because I need you as my beta," he spoke. Burke realized all too well that he could not be the sole leader for a pack. It was too exhausting. Once again Burke pushed himself aside and decided to focus on Nemesis problem instead of his own. Most wolves never did see his selfless actions, and along with his distant nature and stoic face Burke was often marked as inapproachable.

She listened. She did not speak, unintterupting to his testimony. But the thoughts of earlier still reeled in her head. Everyone had their own troubles, but they did not run off to another pack, another person, to deal with it. Regardless of the circumstance, she felt.. disappoainted. The mere fact that he had left to seek something else inside his soul admited a lot. He was not happy. It was evident by her failures. "Does noboby else let you be you? Is that what you think? You won't let yourself. You guard yourself, and i'm sorry you feel that way," She did not want to hear an excuse, she wanted an answer. Nobody had ever said Burje had to be the way he was, he just did it to himself. She had never questioned why, but now, she was tired. 

"We're supposed to be in this together, so don't start about bad impressions. It's not about that. You do have me, but it's not good enough for you," She spoke it like she seen it, she was just his Beta afterall. Maybe it was a mistake, he only appointed her such a postion because he needed help not beacuse he felt he could actually connect with her. It hurt her, that he did not feel he could talk to her but could to a stranger. She hated his perspective, that she could not approached because she was mated. It was exactly what she didn't want. It was exactly what she feared, that she would be seen as an untouchable speciement because she belonged to someone else. In any case, had not cared about boundaires when he said they could not have children. She would never think Burke arrogant, but sometimes he was blind. He didn't even know what he had. Wolves he could trust. But because he didn't have Meldresi anymore, that sense of trust was gone. She could not blame him. He was broken and he would not let them help. Only someone who didn't even know him. "You don't need to explain yourself to me, it's already quite clear. You need someone to replace what Meldresi gave you, and having us just is not doing it. You know I will always support you. But I can't forget this. You don't even want to be telling me this so I won't pressure you again," There was no point in approaching someone who did not even want help. She wouldn't waste either of their time. He could run to Malice as much as he wanted and spill his heart out. She would not judge, she would not speak a word about it but sit silent. Burke always knew best, right? 

With a tight knot in her throat, she held back a tear. It was not sorrow, but a feeling on betrayal and disapoaintment. Nothing was what she had thought. "I am fine, or I will be. I have a mate for these things, as you've made clear," She held no tone of spitefulness, but of truth. She had tried, at least she could say. "But just do me one favour, and do not blame me for your misfortune, your "consequence". I don't need that from you," She already felt like the boy's death was her fault, for letting down Kendra, and for everything else in between. "You are a great Alpha, and I could never harbour ill feelings towards you nor betray you, but I don't know what to believe anymore," A these things, revelations of feelings and relationships.. she couldn't process it all without feeling like the world was coming down on her.

Burke was quiet for a long moment, letting her speak just as she had done with him. And perhaps she was right. Maybe he had been in the wrong here and hurt her even more by not sharing that with her, or even that he had the feeling he could not tell her those things. But he disliked the fact that it seemed to create a wedge between them. Especially the comment about her having a mate now and sharing that with him kind of hurt. Because he made it his specialty to be a therapist. Yet on the other side if he couldn't even talk about his own feelings then what kind of a therapist did that make him?

"Maybe you are right. My intentions were not to hurt you. I jus have difficulties sharing things with others and maybe I misread the relationship, or well friendship we have," he spoke to her and looked at the side with a bit of an apologetic look, which was quite something coming from Burke. "These things are hard on me, so please don't take this as any offense that there is a lack of trust in you from my side Nemesis. From now on I will try to be more open with you if that is what you like. You are my Beta after all. I just like to think that I am good at everything but clearly I am not,' he spoke.

The Beta stayed silent, hearing out what he had to say in response. An apology was not what she had been expecting. A little recodsion was as far as she would have expected, but nothing more had been requied. However, she felt satisfaction, having made her point clear. "Very well, I hope we can be as open in the future," At least, she hoped it would be. If nothing changed, she could forsee it being that way. She wanted it to be that way, for her to trust another like she trusted Kove.

"Though I must say.. I do not know how the pack might react upon hearing of your and Malice's situation," It was a struggle to say, but she only found it fair to warn him. What he did after was on him, but she cared for him and the pack all the same. "-but I shall be on my way. I have taken up enough of your time for now," She turned to leave, though hesitating for just a moment, enough for Burke to speak up if he had anything else to say. Otherwise, she did not want to dwell on the possibilites or outcomes if things were to go wrong, and what it might mean for the pack.

Burke nodded shortly in return. "I hope so to," he spoke because well, at least he wanted to have a better communication with his beta. It seemed she wasn't convinced by his actions. Though Burke was not worried. Because after all this time he deserved something for him. He could not stay leading this pack if he would break himself down in the process.

The alpha nodded in return and then went his own way. He had several things to do to, though he was still a bit worried about Nemesis and her lapse that was created by Pietro's death.