Redhawk Caldera A song that will help you remember to forget

I know we just had one but @FitzDutiful may want to pop in here to offer some counsel?

Peregrine kept taking half a step toward the distant plateau. Damn Dante and his decision. Damn his own decision to let alone the wolves from the plateau. Damn Junior's wishes most of all. He wanted to go there and hold her tell her how sorry he was for hurting her... for hurting her so badly she had tried to kill herself. He could not stop thinking about how much pain she must have felt to do something so drastic. He also couldn't stop thinking about Blue Willow's words, asking him if he was happy to know what he'd done.

No, he wasn't happy. Peregrine had never felt worse in his entire life. And he couldn't even see Junior. The fact that that was probably for the best was little comfort as he plodded around the borders, repeatedly correcting his course. He deserved this agony, though. He hadn't hurt his daughter knowingly but he had treated her like a lesser priority. He didn't even deserve the title of father. As a matter of fact, he should probably tell Fox that their plans for a spring litter were cancelled. He was a bad father and shouldn't bring any more innocent pups into the world only to ruin them.

Eventually, night fell and Peregrine slowed, then stopped and sank to the frigid earth. He didn't cry or curse or give any indication of his emotions. He just lay there, breathing in and out, staring into the distance, his jade eyes emptying of all light and joy and his lips falling into an indelible frown.

I'll gladly take another Kat thread!

FitzDutiful was taking a night time stroll. Despite the cold of the night, he couldn't sleep and moving was better than just being still and getting frustrated when sleep wouldn't come. So it came to be that he was wandering near where Peregrine had flopped. It was only at the last minute, that FitzDutiful saw the laying Perry, and for a frightful second Fitz's mind caused him to take the last five steps that would have caused him to fall over his alpha. Reality came slamming back and breathless FitzDutiful greeted him; "Hi, I didn't see you there."

FitzDutiful sank down next to Peregrine and looked at him. The male looked... well empty was the only word that he could think to describe Peregrine. He was totally, and utterly, expressionless. "Everything okay?" It wasn't because he knew of Peregrine's emotions, none were given - it was just the next phase of greeting.

The dark male's eyes lifted dully when he heard someone approaching. "I'm fine." The words sprang instinctively off Peregrine's lips. He was not one to unload his every problem on whoever happened to pass by first. Belatedly, he remembered that Duty was working toward his Counselor trade and this might be a golden opportunity to really utilize his subordinate's skills. A bit reluctantly, he came to the decision to tell FitzDutiful what had happened, even though he was still feeling so raw with guilt and pain.

"Remember how I told you about Dante coming here to reject an alliance between the plateau and the caldera? It didn't make any sense to me and he didn't explain. You remember how pissed I was." He groaned inwardly. Knowledge might be power but hindsight was the devil. "Well, Blue Willow came here right after Finley returned. She finally spat out the real reason behind it all: my daughter, Junior, tried to kill herself. Because of me. They were only trying to protect her and save her life. That's why Dante told me to stay away.

In other words, he wasn't insulting or disrespecting me. He was looking out for my little girl where I hadn't. I deserve it. I can't believe I hurt Junior so badly she tried to take her own life. I realize now I'm a horrid father. I'm a terrible friend. And I failed as the plateau's leader. How can I ever redeem myself? To be honest, I'm doubting whether Fox and I should have a litter. I'll only fuck them up too," Peregrine finished on an anguished note, his face contorting momentarily before smoothing back into blankness.

Peregrine responded that he was fine and FitzDutiful just nodded. Who was he to say otherwise? A few minutes passed by with comfortable silence, on Fitz's behalf, when Perry started to talk again. FitzDutiful quietly listened as he talked, making confirming murmuring noises when a question was asked of him. As he listened, he processed what was being said.

Fitz remembered all too well how angry Peregrine had been at Dante's decision and Fitz hadn't been too pleased about it either. Well, it turned out Blue Willow had come by too (gosh, couldn't they stay away?!). On the bright side a reason had been given. Wait.

What?!

Oh wow. So Junior was Peregrine's daughter and he attempted suicide because her father had left? Or because her father had left her behind? Wait. That made no sense either. FitzDutiful had been there when Peregrine announced their intentions. Nothing had stopped Junior from joining them here.

First things first. "How old is Junior?" A lot of what he said next depended on that answer. He didn't remember her being an adult when he saw her at the plateau. 6 months old was the actual answer, from a bit of stalking, but regardless of whether Peregrine gave this number or not, Fitz would go ahead.

"She's not an adult yet, so the only way I can see that you failed her was giving her a choice, instead of saying she was coming. I don't know your relationship with her, maybe there was a good reason why you didn't demand she came? Either way, that is part of your history with her."

A brief pause for breath.

"You mentioned joint custody before, I'm guessing this was over Junior. That will be one thing that's already different from your experiences with Junior and your experiences with your new litter, when they come. I can't tell you it's the right thing to do - I've never had children. But I doubt it's something that you just pick up."

This was by far the hardest counselling Fitz had had to do.

"She and her sister were born the last day of March," the father answered, then fell silent as FitzDutiful dispensed some advice. Peregrine listened, though he was halfway distracted by the sheer number of details he felt he needed to add to give the would-be Counselor the entire picture.

"Junior had left the plateau to follow a pack of women that called themselves nerds or something like that," Peregrine recollected, "so she wasn't there when I made the announcement about leaving myself. She eventually left them and returned to the plateau, though I'm not sure of the exact timeline. In any case, she must have been doing her Outrider thing when she ran into Fox at the caldera and found out all about it. I don't know what she thought at the time, as I wasn't there.

I haven't actually seen her since the day she told me she was leaving," Peregrine admitted regretfully. "And I think that's the rub. I've been by the plateau a few times but I never sought out her or her siblings. Junior had already begun to hate Fox and resent us for wanting to have pups together; she thought we were replacing her. That's where I fucked up. I knew she was angry with me and I thought I was doing good by giving her space. But I did exactly what she feared I would do. I abandoned her for my new family."

Peregrine could not have loathed himself more in that moment. He trailed into silence and hung his head.

Peregrine seemed deeply ashamed but Fitz couldn't sympathise. In truth he didn't think Peregrine had done anything wrong, though it also sounded like he hadn't actually done... anything. Maybe that in itself was wrong. In some ways this was the downfall of his age, he also had limited experience. FitzDutiful prided himself on being able to put himself in another's shoes, but maybe that wouldn't be enough this time.

"Why didn't you go to her and explain that you do want her, explain that you love her and never wanted to replace her, that you didn't mean to abandon her, you thought you were giving her space. In fact, why don't you tell her what you've just told me? I would respect my parents if they owned up to a mistake."

FitzDutiful doubted that anything was helping right now, but he couldn't help himself but try to help. "If it matters at all, you're not a rubbish friend or alpha."

"I did. Of course I did..." Peregrine said, trying to keep his voice from breaking. "I swear, I told her she could never be replaced. I made sure I let her know that. But I told her it wouldn't change my plans, either. And actions speak louder than words, anyway, don't they? No matter how much I reassured her, the fact that I left my home for Fox and the pups we'd have... of course it would seem like nothing else mattered as much.

The truth is," he continued, "nothing does. I don't love Junior or her sisters and brother any less, of course, but they're growing up now. My attention belongs to Fox and the new puppies we'll have together. I thought this was reasonable but I see now that maybe it's more difficult for my older kids to understand than I thought. I mean, she tried to kill herself! She must have been hurting badly. I should have been there for her, even forced myself on her if that's what it took..."

It did not escape him that FitzDutiful didn't generally seem to think he'd done anything wrong. Peregrine's emotions were in too much turmoil to give much credence to the Counselor's objective take on the matter right now, though it was at least slightly reassuring that maybe others didn't find his actions as deplorable as he did. He was his own worst critic and that was a good thing, at least. Maybe he wasn't beyond redemption then.

It really did seem like nothing FitzDutiful could say would help. That was maybe the way it was supposed to be. It seemed another role of a counsellor was just to be there to listen and understand that sometimes they had to work it out themselves. There was one thing Fitz didn't understand.

"I thought you said you hadn't seen her since she left, before we left the Plateau." Also, maybe they're not as grown up as you think they are. That's what he wanted to add but Fitz dutifully bit his tongue on those words. It was doubtful they'd be of any comfort and the last this he wanted to do was drive his alpha deeper into his depression. He'd already said that he wasn't a bad wolf, but that seemed to make no difference either.

To give some element of comfort, Fitz cautiously placed a paw closer to his alpha, with hopes that physical contact may help where words could not.

FitzDutiful questioned the timeline and Peregrine paused, then nodded. "I haven't. That's when I told her all these things. So it was a long time ago now. I should have sought her out and reiterated it every change I got. Instead, I just got caught up in my own affairs and forgot how much all this stuff affected my kids. I'm an asshole."

The gray male struck out a paw and Peregrine stared at it a moment, then looked up at FitzDutiful. "Thank-you for listening. I know I'm not in any condition to be truly counseled at the moment... but letting me vent helps more than you know." He stuck out his own big, black paw, resting it on top of Duty's for a moment before releasing it and pushing himself into an upright position.

"It's too late now, too. I've been told to stay away and it's pretty clear Junior wants nothing to do with me. There's no opportunity to go there and try to make things right. That's the struggle. But it's my own fault. I shouldn't have ever let it get this far. I... I guess all I can do is learn from my mistakes and avoid screwing up my next batch."

Peregrine thanked him for all the advice he had given, for the opportunity to vent but as he pushed himself up, as if ready to leave he said more and it caused Fitz to speak up as soon as he'd finished.

"I think you're wrong there." Start with a contradictory statement and hopefully shock a bit of the self-deprivation from him. "An unsuccessful attempt is the prime time to get involved. It sounds like a cry for help, an opportunity to intervene and make sure she doesn't try again. If anything, now is the time to go to her and explain it all again. No, you can't go to the plateau borders, but you can go in that direction. No, you can't make her come to you, but you can sit outside and howl for her every day until she does or until she personally tells you to leave. You can try."

Fitz, looked away from Peregrine now, not watching the response to his words in case his thoughts caused more heartache. "Think on that." he said. FitzDutiful had been unwilling to let Peregrine walk away from this and leave his past behind him - it seemed like the wrong end of this situation, the wrong lesson to take. To Fitz, as a father you do everything you can. You don't give up so easy.

Peregrine listened. Part of him agreed with FitzDutiful. He should do everything in his power to make it up to Junior, to show her that he cared. Another part of him, however, kept his new family in mind—and that included all the wolves in the caldera, not just Fox and their future pups.

"If I go howl at the plateau every day, I would be abandoning you guys here," he pointed out softly. "And then I would have failed both my families. But I will think about it," Peregrine promised. "I probably won't be able to think of anything else for a while..."

He lapsed into silence for a solid five minutes, then voiced a thought that slowly crept up on him. "What if I sent a messenger? Would that be a terrible idea? Or would she just take it the wrong way, as if I couldn't be bothered to come myself...?"

An agreement was given to thinking about it, along with a Fitz realisation that if Peregrine did go then, true, he would be abandoning the Caldera too. He hadn't thought of it that way, but thinking of approaching Junior was all that Fitz had expected and wanted.

The two wolves fell into silence, with neither of them making any approach to leave. Dutiful was always happy in Peregrine's company and he wasn't entirely sure that this situation was resolved. So for the next five minutes, all FitzDutiful did was think of potential ways to fix this.

It turned out, Peregrine was thinking of exactly the same thing. He asked a question and Fitz shook his head in a manner that wasn't denial, just unsure. "I don't know her, Perry," he said, "I can't say how she would respond. If you think that may work, I'm willing to go for you. I can maybe talk to her about it. In a different way to how a normal messenger would."

FitzDutiful couldn't say how Junior might respond. Could anyone guess how his teenaged daughter might react? She had turned out so emotional, not to mention mercurial. Probably no matter how Peregrine approached it, he would be met with resistance and blame. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he realized he could never really win. If he left her alone, Junior would hate him. If he sent a messenger, she would hate him. If he went in person, she would hate him. But he would just have to press on no matter how much Junior resisted.

"I appreciate your offer, Duty. I'm going to think about it for a few days, then I'll let you know what I decide. I know I shouldn't make any hasty decisions, especially not in my current state of mind." He paused, lips pursed, and looked into his pack mate's face. "Thanks again for listening and offering me input. It helped. I'm going to head in for the night but I will come find you again when I've made a decision," he repeated.

The Alpha male stood with a muted sigh. He pressed his muzzle briefly into FitzDutiful's shoulder, then turned and began to lope uphill toward the den he shared with Fox. He would have to relive everything all over again so that she knew what was going on and he did not look forward to it, though he knew his mate would also be a comfort at this trying time.

"Any time," FitzDutiful replied to Peregrine's words. As his alpha male walked off, FitzDutiful sat and thought for a while longer. He wondered if going to see Junior would help and debated going anyway just in case.

In the end he rationalised that it wasn't his place to make such a call. Who knows whether that would make things better or worse and the last thing Peregrine needed was Fitz making things worse. Fitz had the role of a counsellor. This did not mean going off and fixing problems for others, unless he was asked.

Shaking off the problems for another day, Fitz headed back to his den. Hopefully to get some much needed rest.