Arrow Lake Should I stay or should I go

The low howl of Mahler alerted her that she had been heard and she shivered, a slow sigh released as she struggled to at least look more composed before he arrived. When he did her heart hammered, a jolt of happiness showing her how much she had missed Diaspora (or was it just Mahler and Stigmata she had missed?). He greeted her with friendly words and she gave a watery smile, eyes ridden with guilt "It was an accident...I was poisoned. I...accepted something from a stranger not realising it was some sort of mind altering substance. I was delirious for days, I got lost...I...I messed up again. I just wanted you and Stigmata to know I'm not a deserter" it all rushed out at once, her voice going back and forth between steady and shaking. How did she say that she had stayed away longer intentionally because she allowed the words of a child to break her heart?