Neverwinter Forest I won't sleep tonight

AW, tagging for visibility ♥

When Kjalarr had told her he wanted to step down to care for their son, Ondine was both elated and sad. She had been his right hand almost ever since she had joined him at the coast, and she felt both comfortable and uncomfortable with her new position. It reminded her of her Berry Forest - her ladies who she had basically raised and fed, but this was different. She knew almost no one here - knew naught of their stories or their intentions, and it made her dizzy to think of how they would interpret her rise to power.

Her first morning as new leader of the forest, intentionally or not, she went to work. She left @Arrille in the care of his father and her husband, knowing little would go wrong with the men together. She took a deep breath once she reached the borders, squatting down and up as she went along the invisible line to make sure everyone knew this was their place now.

She wondered if she would run into anyone along the way. In case of that happening, she carried her tail high and proud with a gentle sway to it whenever she was not marking. She softly hummed a sleeping song, unsure of what to do so early in the morning.

Of course, he thought bitterly as he watched the pale woman stride confidently through the trees. She occasionally stopped to refresh a marker—tail arched high above her back. Something had shifted overnight, and the truth was spread before him like a neon sign drawing him in. Kjalarr was unable to keep his post, or unwilling, and it soured the budding relationship he'd formed with the pale King. His wife, the pale witch, now walked in his stead while carrying a mantle she, in his opinion, did not deserve. It was not jealousy that fueled these invasive thoughts, but the overwhelming feeling of wrongness that had permiated his heart ever since their family was broken by unfortunate happenstance. 

He was not a coward—he wasn't much of anything, truth be told, but he felt the urge to pick, probe, and prod at the newly crowned Alpha. Rian moved towards her with fluid movements, ghosting over the snows like a shadow, until he was within earshot. He threw his ears forward and cricked his tail so that it hung level with his back. Though he did not realize it, Rian was quickly becoming the most dominant of his siblings by a combination of teenage hormonal frustrations coupled with a realistic dose of what could only be described as PTSD. 

"Kjalarr promoted you." he rumbled. Rian kept his head level with is back, but his jade eyes were burning with anger. "Who even are you?"

Ondine did not expect a smooth transition into her quite earned position - knowing that many did not know her and would probably doubt her skills as a leader. Little did they know she could hunt - heal and care for more than only herself. While it was true that she was not of this family at all if one did not count her relation to Kjalarr, she promised herself she would keep them fed and happy for as long as they allowed her to. Of course she would force her power at first, but she hoped everything would fade and they would see her for the wondrous siren and mother she was.

When she spotted the young man, she smiled at him - despite his quite disgruntled look and grumbled words. She reminded her so much of the stuck-up little boy who had joined Saltwinter moons ago and for a moment confused to the two. How he addressed her could be understood though, and she forgave him for his suspicions and uncertainties.

I am Ondine. She answered sweetly in her singers voice. I am Kjalarr's wife and mother of little Arrille. She explained softly, gently. May I now ask who you are? She asked, continuing her waltz along the borders with the intention of letting the young man follow and stay by her side. Were it not the case, she would halt again after a few moments.

As she turned to address him with a perfect mask of serenity, Rian's anger only grew. He was learning that adults played these word games, and weaved emotions like poems, if only to benefit themselves. He didn't understand why so many others didn't follow their emotions and be forthcoming rather than hide behind mental fortifications. He was tired of it. Tired of the sugar-coating, tired of loss, and tired of everyone. Ondine was so sickly sweet, from her voice to the kind way she address him despite his own irritability, and she didn't even know who he was—it made his stomach roll. 

The O'Malley boy slicked his ears back as she returned to her patrol, and felt his nose wrinkle with unbidden disgust. He followed. "Rian O'Malley," he said derisively as he shadowed her. "I bet you don't even know half of us by name." 

Ondine wasn't one to sugarcoat much, and was not normally this sweet - but being a mother was tiring. Her guard was rather down, and for that she suffered of this weird feeling that she should be nice. She knew niceness would not help them survive the rest of this winter, but somehow she wanted to be liked. Not respected simply because she had taken the burden of caring for the pack upon her experienced shoulders despite having a son to care for, too. It was a burden she carried with much pleasure though, knowing that by doing this she was helping others - even if that included Maude.

The boy introduced himself, which seemed quite the task for the disgruntled young man. She paid it little mind, knowing that it would probably blow over in time. She let out a short laugh at his assumption, ears slightly draping over her big skull in embarrassment before they shot up again. Well, I know Kjalarr - his brother Torgeir - his adoptive sister Allure - their younger brother Rannoch - their dad Scimitar - Kaskara and her daughter Szabala - Maude, a former packmate of mine - you and my son, Arrille. Surely that is more than just half... She listed, nose pointed at the sky as she pulled back memories of meeting most of the wolves she had listed while some had just been mentioned.

Besides, I do not need names to care and provide for you. She added with a slight smile, still marking the borders every now and then. She was surprised herself of how much she actually knew of the family relations in Neverwinter Forest now that she had listed them all.

A few years from now an older, wiser Rian might look back at these moments and feel a keen sense of embarassment at the way he acted towards Ondine and Kjalarr. An older Rian would understand the two were only doing what they thought was right with the current circumstances, and making the best of a rather shitty situation. But for now he was so blinded by the hurt and upset that continued to wound him over, and over, and over. Kjalarr let him down—the latest disappointment added to the top of a sizeable pile. And now the pale witch stood where his family rightfully should, wearing a mask that belonged to him.

Rian twisted his lips in a scowl, but he hoped she wouldn't turn around to see it. Instead she looked up at the sky, as if conjuring the memories from nothing. One thing stuck out, however, but she was quicker to the draw than he was and offered up a comment he, in his surly teenage wisdom, percieved as a jab. The earthen boy snorted and his jade eyes reflected some of the pain he felt at the fact that he wasn't even known as Kaskara's boy anymore—the familial ties that once made this pack were all but forgotten.

"Scimitar is dead, Allure is dead, and Noch is gone." He remarked sullenly, unable to hide the hurt at the admittance. "Who is Torgeir?" Admittedly, Ondine was being remarkably patient with him, but Rian was too upset to notice.

If the Rian was truly this hurt with her taking a spot that he probably thought belonged to either himself or his family, Ondine would consider giving him a test spot in the leading tier. If he proved to be either better just as good, why not let him rule beside her? He had a long way to go before that though, giving the way he acted so carelessly and hateful now. Ondine was against having grudges, especially toward someone who was only trying to help.

Not expecting the boy to make any faces at her back, the new mother continued to lead them 'round the territory. She nodded at his statements, worrying for the boy's mental well-being for a moment before deciding to sigh. I know - but as long as they are remembered, they will not be truly gone. For a moment did she consider asking if he wanted to see the coast and ask the sea for guidance, but thought better of it. She did not want to force her own mind set upon these young souls of the forest.

I have only heared Torgeir talk after I had given birth - Kjalarr seemed rather close with him. Perhaps he goes under a different name than you know him to? She suggested calmly, wondering if the wolf named Torgeir had left or something. She knew for certain she was not making him up, and was not about to doubt her own memories now.

Rian, despite his reservations about the pale witch, continued to follow her almost dutifully. His movements were uncertain, but mechanical. One paw in front of the other—breathe in, breathe out. His heart skipped a few beats as she spoke about remembering them, always, but Rian was terrified of the idea because he knew, from experience, that memories faded. Eventually he would no longer remember their smell, their faces, their voices. Someday, it would stop hurting. Someday, he would forget.

The boy sucked in a breath and blinked away the prick of tears. He felt that same all-consuming emptiness within him, one he could not hope to fill. She was still speaking, but he only caught the tail end of it. His ears twisted towards her and he swallowed thickly, "Y-yeah," he rasped, "Probably." 

He choked back a bitter sob as shame poured over him. There was no shame in sadness, but speaking of his family allowed him the barest glimpse of clarity. His father would be so disappointed in him. Rian suddenly lengthened his stride and closed the gap between them. He sought her warmth, pushing his cheek into her shoulder, and exhaling through his open mouth and closing his eyes to fight the tears. "I'm sorry." He murmured. "You're trying—m'sorry."

As long as she heard the crunching of Rian's footsteps behind her, she did not turn to look. It was not because she disliked him or had better things on her mind, it was more to give him the freedom of doing whatever. It was a sign of silent trust, knowing that not even with her claiming the leading rank would he have attacked her. and, if so, he was young and squishy - impressionable, even with his spot in the adult ranks.

One ear flicked back, surprised at his admittance and stuttering voice. She had thought of him as bratty but headstrong, and now it seemed she had broken him. Or, well, time had done so, but she was there to witness it. Her pace slowed, concerned now, when she heard his desperate movement to catch up. As a deer with its young, Ondine curled her head carefully around the air that surrounded the boy's head now - so close it touched her.

Her bi-coloured eyes looked at him worried, a frown upon her face. She had stopped walking, not sure how to comfort such a young soul. She was fine with little potato boys, not this kind of teenager sadness. She touched her muzzle to the crown of his head as she did sometimes with Arrille, closing her eyes as she sighed. It is okay... You will heal and we will stand behind you. She knew naught what had exactly happened to him, but promised to help. I am sorry that it had to be this way.

Rian lapped at his cheek, tasting salt. He didn't sob openly and his grief was all but silent safe for the harsh exhales, and occasional sniffle. He leaned further into Ondine as she curved her neck around and touched the crown of his head with a gentle caress. For better or for worse, she was their leader now and Rian knew that his father would have supported her without question, regardless of the circumstances. The pain did wonders to cover up the void within him, and he hated how much he needed it to feel anything other than the all-consuming. 

He knew that he was likely making her uncomfortable with his outbursts and random changes of emotion, but he couldn't really stop it either. She handled it with more grace than he anticipated. Rian whined a single note, and rubbed the bridge of his nose into the roll of her shoulder. Her smell reminded him of his mother, and something deeper rooted—a sweet milk scent that brought him a strange sense of comfort, likely born of his instincts. "Thank you," He whispered only to twist his head to peer up at her noticing, for the first time, the oddly mismatched color of her eyes. "m'sorry for how I've been acting." She hadn't witnessed it firsthand, but he imagined Kjalarr likely warned her of the surly O'Malley boy.

Still rather shocked with the current turn of events, Ondine wore the face of a concerned mother having to deal with puberty for the first time. Had she ever been this emotional? It seemed Rian jumped from one extreme to the next, and the waterwitch couldn't quite keep up with what was going on inside his head. No matter why he was crying, her instinct told her to comfort him, and so she did. It became rather warm and damp on her shoulder as he pressed himself against her further, but Ondine couldn't care less about the state of her fur now.

She heard his whine but did not comment, not wanting to put the spotlight even further on the emotional unstable young man. She blew hot air comfortingly into his mane before he decided it was time for even more apologies. She smiled at him, blinking a few times before nodding. It's alright - it was not like my sudden rise in power was justified or planned... She commented softly. But I will try my very hardest to set things right and help you. She promised, hoping to cheer him up even the slightest of bits.

Unsurprisingly, Rian himself couldn't really keep up with his rapidly changing emotions. Every stray feeling he had waged war against another, which was then in conflict with another. It was unfortunate that Ondine was the one forced to weather the sudden storm, but somewhere small told him she was handling it far better than most strangers would. The warm breath on his neck calmed him. Then it dawned on him—she was a stranger, and here he was crying into her shoulder like a lost little boy. This was the woman that, not moments ago, he was glaring daggers at. 

Rian sucked in a breath and pulled away slowly, looking like a right mess. The fur on his face was a bit disheveled and his eyes watery with unshed tears. He was torn between selfishly seeking more of her comfort or running really, really far away so that she might forget this ever happened. He flattened his ears against his downy neck and tore his gaze away from her. Rian set his jaw against the onslaught of negativity raging through him. "You're a good person." He murmured. Better than I am.

"Sorry, I didn't... mean to do any of that." He blurted only to retreat a step. "It's just hard. Nothing feels normal anymore. Is normal even possible?"

The boy did not feel like a stranger to her - he should not, for she was certain he would not run from her soft handed ruling. Or perhaps he would, emotional struggle was hard to deal with at such a young age. She wondered who his mother was and if he had any siblings to share this problem with, because if not Ondine would not mind mentoring him. She was sure Arrille would like a friend too, even though he could not do much at the age he was now. She knew she shouldn't present her little ball of fluff like some sort of prize she had won, but damn did he make her proud.

Rian moved, and Ondine untangled her neck to give him some breathing space. She supposed this weather was not very ideal for crying either - the cold already caused runny noses, and she could not imagine how it was for him now. Of course, this was not her only concern. Her brows lifted at his beaten and wet expression, quite surprised that he said what he did. I am glad you think so... She said - her own little way of showing appreciation.

He almost seemed embarrassed, even though it was quite apparent that Ondine did not judge actions as much as perhaps Kjalarr would. He was simply a little (or, a lot) unstable at the moment, and she could excuse his behaviour. Normal is what one thinks it is. She advised him with  a warm smile. In a world so seriously strange, I don't believe there is anything considered normal by everyone. You can decide that for yourself.

Rian sniffed again, and bent to rub his nose against his leg to wipe the dribble of snot away. He already looked a mess; he didn't want to be disgusting on top of being annoying and needy. Her expression remained serene, even kind and her smile grew a fraction at his compliment but he ducked his head to avoid her gaze. The storm of emotions was still a muddled, confusing mix of grief, depression, anxiety, and anger but he felt a bit more in control now. Harnessing it was difficult; doing it in front of someone who seemed to care so much, despite how he treated her, was even more challenging.

When she responded, he flattened his ears and sighed. His glazed jade eyes flickered up and drifted over the snowy landscape, mouth turned down in a frown. "But I thought I knew. Now Neverwinter seems so... distant. Like the pack doesn't have a heart anymore." He admitted. Rian slowly swung his muzzle around to her again, and looked up sadly at the pale she-wolf. "Like it died along with everyone else." 

"I dunno how to fix myself, but I wanna help. Somehow."

She doubted the answers she held would be of any use to the youth, but was not about to give up now. His physical reaction was all she needed to confirm it, but she kept looking - kept observing and caring and anything a mother would've done for her child. For a moment did she feel like his, but the image of the white puffball that was Arrille soon popped back into her head. She loved her own son more than anything, but knew things were different now. She had to care for them all equally.

Neverwinter is not dead - we are here, keeping it alive. She explained gently. You and I - the souls now here are its heart now, and never will they forget the ones they have lost. Fade - yes, but do not fear that. She wondered if she was sugarcoating death too much, but also knew her words to be true. She soon realized she was just trying to get the best out of this situation. She smiled at him - admiring his strength for a moment.

Would a task get your mind off of things? She questioned.

Rain wasn't convinced even though her words were sincere. He was too broken up about it; his heart a wreck. There wasn't room enough there right now for more emotions, more feelings. They were already full to burst as it was. But he nodded along with her if only to get her to stop talking about it. She caught the hint, changed the pace of the conversation, and offered up the idea of a task. Rian blinked away unshed tears and shrugged, feeling quite defeated and worn. He was ready for anything as long as it took him away from here for a bit. 

"Like what?" He asked with an uncertain twist of his ear.

Perhaps it was a better idea to let the subject rest there - Ondine had burned up her inspiration. Besides, it did not look like it was working. She had not expected Rian to jump from depressed to happy-peppy though, and was glad that he had now allowed her to help. It was the least she could do for these broken souls that had lost so much without a pardon from life - then again, she was not sure if she was allowed to pity them in that way. They were not weak, just a little bruised, and it was unfair to think of them as less for it.

She smiled at him then - glad he was up for a small task that could provide him some room to grow and fall in love with a passion if he did not have one already. For her it had been singing and making dyes, but both were not very beneficial for the pack's well-being. Well, what do you enjoy doing? She asked, not willing to pick something he disliked - not even if she were a goddess would she command anyone to do something they were against.

The question only served to stoke his uncertanties. He didn't have hobbies or passions. All he did was wander in search of things to take his mind off all the negativity that consumed him from the moment he opened his eyes in the morning to the split-second before he closed them at night. At least sleep, more often than not, brought nothingness. No images, no color, no dreams. He prefered it that way...

But he didn't want to tell her that, or anyone for that matter. Rian knew he'd bothered her enough with his problems today, despite her reassurances to the contrary. So taking a page from his daily activities, he decided to settle on something simple and obvious: "Exploring, scouting." He replied softly with shrug. In another time, he might have been far more enthusiastic about the potential of being asked to do something important by his uncle. But Ondine wasn't his uncle. She was nice, but it wasn't the same.

"Do you want me to go check on some herd patterns or something?" He asked, supplying a task so that he'd have an excuse to leave the territory for a while.

It came as almost no surprise to her that the young man liked wandering. She had found out in her late teens that walking was one of the best ways to clear her mind. Perhaps Rian used the art of simply going no where and everywhere for the same reasons - to distract himself from all that had happened and all that was most likely to happen. More and more could she relate to him and she had to work hard to not step forward and take him under her wing. Perhaps, one day, he would allow her to do such a thing; but for now their relationship was too unstable for such promises and commitments.

It was as if a her eyes glimmered as he proposed a task himself and nodded excitedly. After such a cold winter, I suspect the others to have quite an empty stomach. She said with a somewhat graceful wag to her tail. She smiled at him, proud that they had come so far in such a short time. She believed Rian would one day prove to be quite the useful soul - even if he were cracked and bent right now.

Ondine seemed pleased with his idea, and he felt a bit better for it. Guilt still ate at him, because it wasn't the most honest answer, but it was the only thing he really felt he would be decent at. He had no idea how to read weather patterns, be a diplomat; he certainly was in no place to advise others, nor was he willing to record the unfortunate history of Neverwinter Forest. He'd rather it be remembered in the hearts of the family, not for newcomers to gawk at. 

"Ok. I'll head out tomorrow at dawn." He replied, ignorant of her desire to take him under her wing. "Anything else you need?" He asked. His phrasing was weird, but his tone didn't suggest any surliness.

Perhaps, one day in the coming spring or summer, she could teach them about plants and how to make dyes. The latter was not a very productive or needed task, but it was fun. Useless yet interesting skills had always been some of Ondine's favourite - and she was pretty good at some, too. It was part of the reason she had learned to fish and scratch little lines in the wet sand of the beach. She wondered then; had Rian ever been near the sea?

With a warm smile did she nod. Thank you. She said, glad that Rian would not have time to wander around all alone tomorrow. She had her own task to take care of and could not be there as emotional support forever, even though she wished she could be. Not really - I do want to know if you've ever seen the sea before... She said a little hesitant, not knowing how this somewhat personal question would land.

The question came as a bit of a surprise to Rian, but he chalked it up to Ondine's enigmatic mind. She was an unusual character; not a personality he was used to interacting with. Between his warrior mother, his siblings, and his father, Rian had never been exposed to the mysterious side of life. Ondine was practically bleeding it. Maybe someday it would pique his interest but, for now, it only served to unsettle him.

But the sea? Why was this suddenly so interesting to her? "No," he said softly. "never." 

Having had a lot (and I mean A LOT) of time to think about life and its wonders, Ondine didn't usually think as others did. Much like the water she was so fond of, the witch moved with the wind and the vibrations of the earth and accepted wherever she landed. Yes, she settled and she was loyal, but her free spirit rarely took a day off. Perhaps this was the only reason she wasn't perfectly fit for a leader role - unless the ones following her didn't mind a bit of theatrics every now and then.

She smiled brightly at his answer, an excited twinkle in both eyes as she almost glowed up. Want me to take you there someday? She knew she was being vague, but she wasn't about to pour her heart out right in front of him. He wasn't unworthy of knowing her story, but without the song of the sea in the background, she didn't feel like telling tales of how she grew up there and sang songs with Her.

Much to his irritation, she practically glowed upon hearing his answer. Rian folded further inward but his body hesitated when he commanded it to move. He didn't like the attention—the kindness she was showering him with was nearly overwhelming, and he wanted to scream. Her son, Arrile, deserved it. Not him. Not ever. But still she persisted, offering to take him to the sea someday.

In some other alternate universe, he might have been tempted, but for now he merely sucked in a breath and shakily replied, "Thanks, maybe. I don't know." The boy stammered and took a step away to depart from her, lending her one final glance. "I'm gonna go. Thanks for, uh. Yeah, this." With that he fled. He wanted to feel bad and, in fact, a large part of him ached horribly from leaving her there, but he hoped she would understand. 

Rian bounded up and over the nearby hillock and vanished.