Stone Circle Testing The Waters

Back Dated to the 26th or 27th. @Brynn 

---

I had been too long. Over a week since he "reconnected" with Cebra and only a few days after he spoke with Cin. He knew he needed to speak with Brynn. She deserved to know, though he wasn't sure what he should be telling her. He cared for all of them deeply, all for different reasons. Which is why he hadn't told any of them, and it was also the reason that he needed to tell them. 

Because he cared about them he didn't want to hurt any of them. But he had dug himself a hole. By not telling them and having them find out on their own they were sure to feel hurt and betrayed. And by telling them directly it was likely that they would feel the same. At least this way he was being honest and hopefully causing less harm.

There were so many things racing through his head at the moment that they couldn't even form in the form of thoughts. He just knew that he needed to see Brynn. Be with Brynn. Have her near him. He knew that her closeness would ease his mind and give him strength even if he didn't want it.

Brynn had finished her nightly patrol and was on her way to her den. The night was cool and clear, so she moved at a leisurely pace, wanting to take her time. She never really took her time doing anything; always eager to get things done and stay busy. But tonight, the breeze felt nice blowing through her soft fur, and the moon looked pretty against the navy blue of the night sky, so she decided to enjoy it a little before turning in.  

Brynn caught Howl's scent halfway to her destination, and her heart sped up. She always scented him around the territory, but this scent trail was fresh, so she knew he was close. She turned and started trotting in the direction of the trail, soon seeing his dark form in the distance. She quickened her pace then, eager to be near him. 

She chuffed in greeting as she approached and nuzzled her face in his neck once she reached him. She breathed his scent in and out a few times, loving the way it calmed her. "Hey," she said softly as she pulled away to meet his gaze and give him a warm smile.

It hadn't taken him long to find her, or rather for her to find him. He heard a familiar chuff from behind him and looked over his shoulder to see her trotting in his direction. Turning in her direction he became nervous thinking about where their conversation might lead. But then she approached him, quick to nuzzle herself close to him.

It was comforting, her scent and her affection. As though with her here she would be able to help lift what was heavily weighing on his shoulder. He returned her affection, nuzzling his head upon hers, holding her tight until she took a step back to greet him. "Hey"  he said in the same softness before lightly kissing her on the cheek. "What have you been up to?" he asked.  "I've missed you."  he said genuinely. Even if they did see each other now and them passing by during the day, he missed the times when he would be alone with her, and be more open.

Brynn returned his kiss before sitting down in front of him. "I missed you, too," she answered smiling again. They were both busy and didn't always have time just to themselves, so she was glad to be able to spend some time with him now. "I've mostly just been hunting and patrolling." She spent most of her days doing both, liking the satisfaction that came with both tasks along with how much stronger they had made her. 

She studied Howl's handsome features and thought he seemed...off? Sad even? Moving closer, she pressed her head into her favorite spot under his chin. "Everything okay?" she asked gently with concern in her voice. She thought about their last conversation and wondered if he was maybe plagued by thoughts of his lost family. Whatever it was, she wanted to soothe his mood, so she stayed pressed against him, offering comfort through her affection.

She had been settling in well with the pack. He heard of the frequent patrols and hunting she did for the pack and could see how her influence within the pack had been growing. Keeping her busy and distracted from possibly finding out about Howl's dealing. He assumed Cebra hasn't said anything about it, except maybe to Mawk, and Cin wasn't a member of their pack so she wouldn't have an easy spreading the word.

As though she could read his mind she asked him if there was anything wrong. He should have to know that being so close to her now, she would be able to sense his worry. He let out a sigh, "I hope so." he said.

"Listen Brynn... There's something I need to tell you, but before I do I need to know that you know how much I care about you. How much I love you and want to be with you." he said. He knew that if she didn't know his feeling for her that this wouldn't work. That the news could crush her and their relationship. He didn't want his stupid mistakes to mess up something so great.

Brynn froze at his words, a sinking feeling settling into her stomach. They way he phrased it, she knew what he had to say wouldn't be good. She was so distracted by the pounding in her head from her racing heart, that she couldn't even decide how she felt about his proclamation of love. She was pretty sure she felt the same way, but the foreboding of his statement overshadowed everything else she was feeling at the moment. 

She moved back, breaking their contact to look at him. Suspicion and fear replaced the contentment and happiness that had just been in her expression. Swallowing hard, she finally spoke, "Okay...What do you need to tell me?" Her tone was wary. She was afraid to hear what he had to say, but never one to run away from tough situations, she met it head on bracing herself for whatever bad news he had for her.

He felt so guilty already, see her expression change from joy to worry and fearful. There was no going back now and so he began to tell her what happened and the possible reason behind it.  "After I lost Heartha I felt lost and empty no matter where I was or who I was with. I went around trying to fill that feeling with anyone willing. A few days before I meet you I meet a woman named Hyacinth. We sparked a connection and we ended up having intercourse that day. She wasn't a lone wolf and was a part of another pack so I thought I might never see her again... But a day or so ago she came to our borders and expressed to me that she wanted to be more than just a past fling... In my shock of seeing her and with past feelings rushing to me I couldn't deny that I wanted something similar." he said explaining how he had meet Hyacinth and her arrival a few days ago.

He wanted to stop there, have that be his only mistake in all of this, but it wasn't and so he thought to continue. He figured it would be easier to take all at once rather than in two waves. He sighed before continuing.  "But... that's not all... When I returned from my scouting trip to the pack I spent some time with Cebra. I'm not sure if you know but she lost a majority of her memories awhile ago and has been having a hard time coping. She had been one of my best friends in the pack before she lost her memories and I wanted to make sure she was doing ok. I found her crying at the stone circle and went to comfort her... Only... In the midst of us talking she confessed that she had feelings for me. I have had feelings for her even before she lost her memories, but didn't do anything about it because she was with Mawk. But with her memory loss, she didn't have those feelings for him and wanted to be with me instead. I was so flabbergasted about her feelings towards me that I wasn't thinking and ended up kissing her." he said finishing his confession.

He wasn't sure if there was anything else he should say. Not until he could see her reaction, hear how she felt and hear her questions. He knew that this would hurt her, but he thought that keeping it a secret would hurt her more, and he didn't want to see her hurt. Didn't want to cause her any pain. He felt so guilty and stupid for the things that he had done. Wishing that he would have taken this and that back. But this is where he was, in a hole of his own digging.

She was silent for a few minutes, initially too numb to know how she felt. His words had felt like knives in her heart. At first, she wondered if this was real. Was this another bad dream to add to the collection of nightmares that had plagued her sleep lately? But no, this was very real, as was the sting of betrayal that now settled in her heart. Her trust was not something she gave easily, but against her better judgement, she had freely trusted the male in front of her, which made this hurt even more.

She couldn't fault him sleeping with another female before they had even met, although it somewhat tainted her previously happy memory of their first encounter. She was totally willing to look past that, but it seemed like he wanted something with the other female. Brynn thought they had something and was under the impression he felt the same way. But if he felt as strongly as she did, why would he consider furthering a relationship with a girl he had a fleeting encounter with? Brynn thought she meant more to him than that. 

Then there was their packmate, Illecebra. She understood they shared a connection. You can't always help the way you feel, but did he not even spare Brynn a single thought when making the decision to kiss the female? Maybe it was presumptuous of her to assume that he didn't want anyone else but her, but that was how she felt about him. She hadn't kissed or even flirted with another male; she had no desire to. Once again she felt the ache of betrayal in her chest. This time, it caused tears to begin to form in her eyes, but she was able to momentarily stop their assault. 

She felt like an idiot. Such a fucking idiot. She knew better than to let her guard down. She had been safe in her little bubble where no one possessed the power to break her heart, and the first time she gave someone that power, it came back to stab her in the back. 

She finally looked at Howl then, the tears returning to her eyes. She hadn't cried since the day her parents died, but the tears were so heavy now that she eventually lost the fight. And once the first one moved down her cheek, she was unable to stop the stream that followed. She looked away again as she cried, unable to hold his gaze anymore.  

Once she had collected herself enough to speak, she moved her eyes to meet his once more. "Am I not enough for you? You need two other girls in your life to make up for whatever you think I lack?" The words were angry and accusatory. The weak part of her wanted to say whatever she could to keep him, but the anguish coursing through her took control and forced the angry question from her mouth.

A large pit formed in his stomach as he saw the beginning of tears begin to form in her eyes. He so badly wanted to move forward and hold her. Offer her comfort seeing her in such pain. He took a step forward but then retracted it, knowing that because he was the cause of her suffering that his presence might not be wanted. He left himself open, allowing himself to be a shoulder to cry on if she was will, but for now, words would have to suffice.

Hearing her question he vigorously shook his head. Her question sounded angry but he knew that it came from a place of hurt. "No. No Brynn that's not it at all! Your wonderful! There's nothing about you that I would change." he said trying to assure her.

She noticed his tentative step forward and was glad he didn't try and touch her at that moment. Part of her wanted his comfort, but the other part of her was so angry with him that she didn't even want to look at him. 

Forcing herself to keep his eye contact, she listened to his words, but they didn't offer any relief for the hurt currently squeezing her heart. "So, then why the other girls? It's not only that you kissed someone else. It feels like you want something more from them still. That's what hurts the most." The anger previously in her voice had turned into defeat. She wasn't sure she meant to say the last part out loud, but she still felt like she could tell him the truth, even if he had stomped on her trust.

Her questions were valid but that didn't stop them from causing Howl internal anger. Not at her for asking them, but because he wasn't sure of the answers themselves. It was hard for him to explain or comprehend. He cared for all of them. They were all so different and he connected with all of them for different reasons. 

He could only think of it like having children or a widow situation. The more children you have doesn't diminish the amount that you love them. Someone finding love after the death of a former mate is possible, proving that you can love multiple wolves intimately over time. In Howl's case, it was simply happening. At least that's what he tried to tell himself.

"I... I don't know Brynn. I wish I knew. Part of me wished that none of this had ever happened. That I hadn't dug myself this hole. That I didn't feel this way... That Heartha was still alive."  he said trailing off.

"I do want something more with them if I can have it."  he confessed.  "But that doesn't mean I want anything less with you... None of this changed the way I feel about you and how much I love you."  he explained again trying to convince her that this had nothing to do with her and how he felt about here, all of that was the same. 

Nothing he said was at all what Brynn wanted to hear. She wanted him to say that he only wanted her and promise that he wouldn't ever hurt her again. He didn't say those things, though. Instead, it was clear he wanted to be with the other women. She didn't know her heart could break anymore than it already had, but those words found whatever pieces were left and broke them even more. 

She wanted so bad to say it was all okay and nuzzle her face in his neck until the pain subsided, but that was her weak side again, taking advantage of the situation and whispering into her ear that sharing him was better than not having him at all. It would be so easy to give in, but she would pay for it later. Every time he left the territory, she would be filled with thoughts of him with someone else and would be hurt all over again. 

She shook her head and let out a sigh. "Dammit, Howl, I don't think I can share you." She gave in then and moved close enough to press her face into his neck. So she was weak in this moment. She didn't care.

The anger in Brynn's voice began to subside and was instead sounded more of sorrow and pain, her true feelings. Though they still brought him guilt there was also a bit of hope. She said she didn't want to share him, which meant that she still wanted him. Howl's biggest worry was that she shouldn't want anything to do with him after all that he had done.

She stepped forward and press herself into his neck. He let out a pent-up sigh of relief. He held her tightly and didn't say anything for a few moments. "I... I know." he said simply.  "It's just you and me now."   he said in a hushed comforting voice.

She tensed a little at his words even though they were meant to be soothing. It wasn't just them. There were other girls in his life, and she wasn't okay with that. If she didn't break it off, she would be living a lie. She was so confused. 

"I don't know what to do," she said with her face still hidden in his fur. "I want to be with you, but I can't if I know you're with other girls." It was a painful truth, but it needed to be said. She couldn't just pretend everything was how it used to be. As much as she wished she could be the type of girl okay with that kind of relationship, there was no way she ever would be. He needed to know that, and she needed to say it.

 

Sorry for being a terrible person who couldn't reply. :p Hopefully, my late reply and Howl's response wouldn't change anything Brynn is currently doing. Was planning on having his respond as such for a while now, but... that's life.

---

He continued to hold her in her arms. Attempting to sooth her confused mind. He could understand her feelings, but he couldn't deny his own. He wished that there was some way for him to have her know what he was feeling. To see that despite his interest and feelings for others that it didn't diminish his feeling for her at all.

Her first remark was that of confusion, something he had expected. But her second response made him quiet for a moment. Processing in his mind what this would mean. In his mind, he knew that he could make it work. It would be hard, but he was willing to put in the effort to be close to those he cared about. She might not know what to do now, but he felt slightly confident (if that's even possible) that he would be able to convince her otherwise, at least with some time.

After a short while of silence and contemplation, he spoke. "I know it may seem like that now... You're just learning about it today. You haven't had a chance to have the shock of it all run through your system. But I think if you give this a shot you will see that nothing about the way I feel about you has changed. That we can still do everything that we were doing before and more." he paused for a moment inadvertently.  "I'm not willing to give up on us Brynn. No matter what obstacles I have to overcome."  he said in a determined voice.

Don't even worry about it! RL is more important, especially school! <3

I've been intentionally vague in regards to Brynn's relationship with Howl in any posts she has after this, so no matter the outcome, it should be fine.

Howl's determined words broke her heart even more because Brynn wanted so bad to say it was all okay. She stepped back a little to meet his gaze. "I know you still feel the same way about me, Howl; I feel that way about you, too. My issue is with the other women. I won't be in that type of relationship; it would hurt everyday," she said, her words sad and defeated. 

"You can try all you want, but until you're ready to be with only me, I can't be with you. No amount of time will change my mind on that," Brynn added with resolve in her yellow eyes. The words were painful to say because she knew it could lead to the end of their relationship; she didn't regret saying them, though. It was how she felt, and she couldn't ignore it. The thought of losing him was so painful, but it would be more painful to try and share him. Knowing that when he wasn't with her, he was most likely with someone else would make her miserable.

Her words didn't make any of this easier. He was beginning to feel disappointed, angry and saddened all at the same time. She commented that it would never work, that it would hurt too many people. "You don't know that Brynn."  he said in a hopeful urging voice. But his words were no help.

She claimed that no matter how hard he tried she would not be able to accept the situation. It wasn't a completely outrageous answer but that didn't mean that it wasn't frustrating to Howl. There was so much more than he wanted to say. That they would make it work. So many things to ask her. If she would rather have none of him or to share part of him. But no matter what he said he assumed that nothing he could say now would affect her answer.

He simply let out a sigh, the only thing he could let out without internally exploding from all his feelings. He took another deep breath, thinking of what his last words to her should be, knowing that this would not continue well. "I stand by my work Brynn. I won't give up."  he said before turning away and walking off.

She sighed and shook her head when he suggested that she didn't know she couldn't be in a relationship where she had to share her partner. The statement only fed her already growing anger with the male in front of her. He had already broke her heart, and now he was suggesting that she didn't know what would and wouldn't work for her?

She was shocked by his statement and the fact that he just turned and left things like that. She glared at his shrinking form. Boy, was he in for a surprise. Her anger and hurt made one thing very clear in her mind: nothing he did or said would make her change her mind. He hadn't seen stubborn yet. Howl could try all he wanted; Brynn wouldn't budge, and he was in for rude awakening if he thought he could wear her down. His form was now just a dark blotch in the distance, and she turned and stormed in the direction of her den, only letting the angry tears flow once she was hidden inside her space.