The sun had fallen from the sky again, only to be engulfed by the hungry crests that made up the Spine. She watched idly as the huge fire ball disappeared behind the peaks, leving behind a faint trail of reds and pinks clouds that stretched across the sky like blood in a crime scene. Soon every trace of color would be replaced with the darkness of the night, but until then, the pale female would remain outside, perched on a nearby rock that stood in the middle of the land.
Though she had claimed a den for herself she was beginning to ponder if she would have to spend alone the Winter nights, using only the thin deer and rabbit skins in her den to battle against the punishing cold.
As he walked he happened by mere chance upon the scent of Cara, and making a decision and realizing he did hunger some conversation. He turned towards it and chuffed at her kindly to let her know he was there. After all just because he wanted to talk to someone didn't mean she did.
With her chin lowering onto her paws, the pale yearling allowed the breeze to caress her back, wrapping its cold fingers around her delicate frame until she could not help but shiver. Without a pinch of haste in her movements, the girl straightened herself once more, readying herself to crawl down the empty comfort of her den as she bid the night goodbye.
However, before she could even raise herself off the ground a familiar sound that demanded her attention made her turn, her eyes making their way quickly across the brute's scarred figure and into his friendly eyes. Cara's lips twitched into an instant smile that aside from serving as a warm greeting it also invited her long lost friend (if he had ever considered her as that) to come forth.
Even if in the beginning he had been just another competitor in her eyes, she had later learned that there was more to the male than just his scars. He was a brave soul that despite being strong and imposing held a gentle light within.
"Sitri why are you out in the cold?" she barked with a smile, wondering what were his reasons for staying out when the harsh winds began to lash around the Spine.
Was he suffering from loneliness too, or had he already grown inmune to such feelings?
Sitri had considered Mordecai a friend, but he had betrayed him. Tyrande had been his friend and she had just disappeared. So he was a bit leery on making friends again. But he supposed he could do friendly and others could call him friend.
If Sitri could have heard the others thoughts he would have laughed and told her she was very wrong. There was no gentliness inside him, merely kill or be killed most of the time. No other emotions really, at least none he could put words too and none he understood at all. He was a monster and didn't monster's have black hearts?
Sitri looked around at the area. He wasn't cold hadn't been cold. Lonliness that was a foreign word to him. He didn't even know what it meant, for he had never had companionship and when he did he was ready for it to be over, for usually it was brutal. So lonliness..no he couldn't feel it. I don't feel it. He shrugged and moved closer he sat to his haunches beside her and simply waited. Sitri...I sleeps outside.
Regarless on whether or not Sitri agreed with her throughts, Cara would continue to call him a gentle giant, because many times maybe unknowingly he had shown nothing but kindness to her, even when she deserved quite the opposite. And even if he refused to be friends as well, in the yearling's heart he would live on as a comrade and a hero; not only because he had sticked around when all those traitorous wolves had disappeared to follow Meldresi but because he had been the one to take Ptarmigan's life -- and for that Cara would be forever thankful.
Cara knew very well what a monster was like, and despite his claims Sitri was not one.
"Under the stars?" she mused throwing her head back to admire the twinkling light that shone against the dark canvas of the night. Unlike him, Cara preferred the comfort of a den, specially now that she planned to leave the life of a solitaire to join her life with the Beta. Remembering suddenly that Kaname had also been close to Sitri when the pack still lived on the mountains, she wondered if he was aware of their plans that despite being well organized still felt unreal to her.
"Don't you ever feel lonely Sitri? " she muttered, turning her face slowly to meet her eyes with his. She had never been good at turning feelings into words, and though she doubted Sitri would judge her or that his limited (which was not so limited now) speech would be a problem she felt reluctant about bringing the brown assasin into the conversation.
Sitri chuckled a deep laugh, rich one thing that had not been marred by the demons that had torn his body and soul apart. The voices in his head even had not been able to quiet the laughter when he laughed that was, it wasn't often. Yes under the stars and in all sorts of weather. The cold does not bother me.
At her next question he blinked for a moment unsure what to say. Had he ever felt lonely, he supposed when he had been young perhaps once a upon a time, but now not so much mostly because it was a foreign concept to the scarred brute. I do not know how to be. that was the kindest way he could think to word it. I was never allowed to be, so I am simply not and them that hurt me well i couldn't wait to get them away from me so I did not miss them when they were gone.
Slowly Cara's body embraced the cold as if it had been a long lost friend. Even if she shivered occasionally with the strong winds that flew over them, she was much more comfortable laying outside, at least Sitri's company helped take off some of the frigid touch brought by loneliness. She listened intently as the man described how he stood under mother nature's merciless watch every night regarless of the weather, even with snow, rain or hail the iron-armored Sitri always slept under the stars, not bothered by any of it in the least.
Did he have the same armor wrapped around his heart?
Cara's eyes fixed in him as he continued to speak, this time addresing the idea that loneliness was not something he worried or cared for. Though he didn't use more than one sentence, his words were enough to make the yearling get caught in thought. Maybe Sitri's mind was more complex than it seemed, and maybe it wouldn't hurt Cara to listen to him more often.
"You're right, some are not worth missing" she barked, twisting the egdes of her lips upwards, her mind still debating on whether of not to bring her recent compromise with the Beta into the light.
"But I do have to admit that I don't like being alone -- not for too long anyways" she barked with a light shrug of her shoulders. She knew she had a reputation of being volatile and rash, but aside from it all the yealing was still a creature that craved company, and most of all attention.
Sitri's mind was deep and full of different things, he was not stupid, just ignorant of things. He had been conditioned to be that way and he would probably remain that way. He was far too old now to change.
Sitri nodded yes I know. there were many he preferred to not think of. He bore the scars from them.
Sitri frowned in thought, Sitri...I have always been so it does not bother me. I have had those around me, but I am my own company. he knew that wasn't what he wanted to say, but he couldn't get the words to come out.
The two wolves were soon wrapped by the cold winds of Winter, and while Cara was not one to openly seek affection he body instinctively inches closer to his, until her shoulder brushed lightly on his own in hopes to steal some of his body heat. Maybe it was the weather or the insight she had gotten on Sitri's way of thinking what had made her feel at ease with him, she couldn't be sure.
"Did you know I've taken Kaname as my mate" she barked quietly, her words coming out from her mouth in a small cloud from the low temperatures. While she could have put a bit more enthusiasm in her voice she knew it wasn't needed. She was happy with her decision and even if she wasn't squealing of joy, her eyes showed it. She had hypnotized herself with the idea of bringing young into the world and having Kaname by her side placed her a step closer to such goal.
Besides, the man had always been nice and tactful, sticking by her through her lowest lows and highest highs.
He be that missing puzzle piece she needed, and soon the body against her side to shield her from the cold nights.
While she wasn't really sure what response to expect out of Sitri, she felt content simply making her recent engagement known to him. With Vectra gone and no more wolves carrying themselves as her friends she was happy to have at least a pair of ears listen to her in the dead of the night.
Sitri shifted and shook his head. No. Kaname will not be angry with sitri's offer of sharing body heat? Frankly he did not wish to add more scars to his already riddled hide. If he attacks me I will have ot fight back you know. It was neither here nor there, it was just the way of things. And she knew very well what kind of savage beast he could be. He was not trying ot upset her in anyway, hoping that she was okay with this open conversation.
Sitri...I...am glad for you Cara. he grew quiet then. He briefly wondered if he would ever take a mate. Shaking his head to dispel such thoughts he continued on with their conversation, such things were not to be dwelled on.
The soft brush of their shoulders was enough to make Sitri react, immediately causing him to turn to face her with an unexpected suggestion hanging form his lips. While Cara had not done it purposely she suddenly felt taken back by his words, her pale yellow eye softening as a small, grateful smile took hold of her lips.
"Thank you, Sitri" she murmured as she then allowed herself to crawl closer until her flank was pressed against his.
Here, in the bones and flesh, was another example of the scarred man's kindness.
Soon the cold winds would have no effect on her. Again, Cara wondered how had she failed to see the gentle light hidden underneath the scarred armor of Sitri's heart. With her head still resting on her paws she awaited Sitri's reaction to her engagement, her ears still nervously swiveling but her heart confident he would have nothing but kind words in store.
Cara, however, had not expected the next words to pop of the former slave's mind.
With a quick movement she raised her head, her eyes running across his face in an attempt to figure out if it had been a good natured joke or not. "Oh he could not " she jested, despite Sitri's seemingly real worry, the thought of Kaname being able to feel jealousy over something so trivial was simply amusing (not to mention far fetched) to the female.
[size=small] she probably would have fussed if the tables were turned but that had not been the question.[/size]
Then, with her eyes settled on his face and a genuine smile curving the narrow features of her face she leaned again against his muscular frame, her head tilting slightly so that her nose pressed momentarily against his shoulder in a sign of deep gratitude.
"Thank you Sitri, I'm glad for it too" she whispered before lowering her head back onto her paws.
Regardless of how dangerous or unsuitable Sitri found himself to be he didn't deserve solitude, he had had his fair share of it; and while Cara could not and would not play matchmaker with the male's feelings she sincerely hoped it could be one day that she gave the same congratulating words to him.
Sitri shifted he hadn't meant to make her uncomfortable in the least. He had just been offering the most easiest solution that all wolves did right? It was normal wasn't it? He was a little bit slow sometimes, but he was pretty certain that he was able to discern most behaviors. She did move against him and he nodded in return to her thanks. You are welcome
Sitri looked down at her and he sighed softly Oh Cara you would be surprised what others will do for love or lust. My face is disfigured because of such a thing. THe queen did not wish any others to look upon me, so she ruined what she found handsome. He grew quiet again, but then he spoke again But i believe you in this case he didn't know what else to say about that.
Sitri wasn't sure if he ever would find that special someone for himself. He wasn't looking though either. It didn't matter to him at least he didn't think so. Tilted his head he chuckled Welcome again Cara. Are you going to have little ones?
And just when she thought he had seen a glimpse of who Sitri was he shifted again, like a chameleon pressed against the foliage of another tree. While he had undoubtedly shown her a side of kindness and gentleness he also wore another side to him. A darker side that hid beneath the jagged scars that covered his body. Though she had heard once before that he was a slave, she did not know the full details of it nor had she dared to ask.
But now, as he willingly shared his experience with love (which was not a pleasant one) Cara could begin to see him in a different way. She was intrigued by his words, especially because of the mention of another Queen, and a brutal one at that. While Cara also considered herself to be tough, and had a record of being envious she could have never imagined doing a thing similar to the one in Sitri's stories.
Cara had a sickening sense vanity in her and a conceited nature to match, but deep, maybe too deep, inside she had too another face.
She made no mention towards the scarred man's narration, but did press her shoulder a bit tighter against his own, all in her best attempt to show her empathy towards him -- whether it was wanted or not.
Then as the conversation swung back to the nerve wrecking pleasant subject of her recent engagement she parted her lips to answer. "That's what I was hoping actually...it was Kaname who decided to make it all more formal" she barked, suddenly curious to what Sitri's view on having children outside of marriage was.
She didn't feel ashamed to acknowledge that maybe it was this the most solid reason behind her abrupt engagement, but she did feel reluctant to admit that it was maybe the only one.
Sitri would not say he loved the queen, would never say that. Because he hadn't, love was foreign to him. He had been her object of lust, her consort, her slave. He had done her bidding and all the others who wanted his body for their own if the queen allowed it, male and female alike. He wasn't even sure if he had ever felt lust or love. He had felt a need when a female was in heat, it had been torture to fight it of course, but he had. He had not wanted his own children to have a life like his. Which made him a hypocrite as he had taken other slaves children, even encouraged their bonds all in name of the queen.
He looked down at her as she pressed further into his shoulder curious. He wasn't sure why she did that, but it didn't necessarily bother him.
It took Sitri a moment to process what she was saying and he wasn't still sure if he understood. You wanted children with no mate? So he asked if that was what she wanted he saw nothing wrong with this personally. After all how many of the slave consorts had children he couldn't even begin to count, their children all slaves too. His father was one such child, born from a slave woman and a warrior.
A second after Sitri's answer was issued, the pale Spine Queen felt a twinge of self-consciousness run through her vertebrae. Even if the man's words and tone didn't not meant to be seen as an accusation or judgement of any kind, the young female could not help but feel that at the time she decided to tell this same story again there would be a fair share of it raining down her shoulders. And it was not that she card of what judgements were made, or least of all by who -- but the fact that there would be.
Not everyone was as open minded -- her own 'mate' being the closest example she could think of at the moment. While it was true he had agreed to their engagement after a simple contract-like conversation, he had also set the boundaries by asking Cara to make everything official; traditional.
While the own age gap between her parents had held more that 2 years, she could kind of understand what the fuss was about. Hadn't it been her after all that after knowing of the relationship between the mad shaman and her Queen had also asked herself how she had ever settled for him?
It would be hypocritical for her to say she didn't understand the critiques others made towards her decision, but it would be even more to say she didn't also know how flawed they were.
Because it had been with her own eyes that she had witnessed the love of Jinx and Lecter. Despite the age and despite it all.
"I did, actually. Because I am not bothered by formalities of that sort -- that however does not mean I didn't agree to it." she barked, bringing her head back from her melancholic reverie and into the conversation once more. "It is the status of parent what interests me Sitri " she tried to explain with a simple shrug of her shoulders as she copied herself once more against the brute's flank.
Sitri didn't think there was necessarily anything wrong with having babies with a type of contract. However, he knew many did not think like he did. But he was a slave, he saw the worst of wolves and had lived to tell the tale. He had known plenty of females who had been taken against their will by many wolves, so that when the time came. Even she did not know truly who who babies belonged to, or even if they had more than one father. It was the way of things and it was how he saw things. Black and white were the colors for which he saw.
Sitri looked at her and spoke softly If you didn't want the mate, why did you settle then? There are others that would probably agree with that. I see nothing wrong with having pups without a mate, but Sitri is a slave. So, his opinion is a little lower than most and it does not matter. I knew many who did not even know the father of their pups, so many males had taken their turn....and some who were just wild and loved a man. he grew quiet in thought.
Oh, but there was so much more than black and white.
An infinity of shades and hues of greys lied between the two ends of the spectrum but like Sitri, she could see very little of those sublte variations. To Cara the world was win or lose, live or die, fight or flight.
There was little room for inbetweeners and she held little tolerance for mediocracy.
And while she held in to the idea that accepting Kaname's conditions had been the best, her eyes suddenly turned cold and blank as she listened to Sitri go on. Regardless if he was a slave, a king, or a mere wolf whom she was stealing warmth from, he had a point.
For the first time since her engagement, Cara contemplated the possibility that perhaps she had been to rash.
"It's not lower because you are no longer a slave" she mused quietly, her mind threatening to disconnect her from the conversation and drown her in a sea of doubt the man's words had unknowingly submerged her in.
Sitri was not meaning to awaken a beast within Cara. He had not meant to make her doubt her decisions. He was just answering her question, telling her the truth. That he didn't see anything wrong with it. That did not say that his opinion was a popular one, it was not most wanted babies with the mate and the life and all the rose colored glass.
Sitri studied Cara, assuming she was just tired and cold he didn't ask. It is hard to make myself believe that, that is all I have always been until here.
The beast Sitri feared to have woken had never truly been asleep. Not even when the pack had been on its greatest peak had the monster inside the yearling's heart been dormant. Triggered by the situations she faced and untamed of any type of restriction it was not the first time the emotions that formed inside her stomach clouded her judgement -- or in this case questioned the lack of it.
While she, like Sitri, had resigned to fit the standards, she could now not help but go back to the incessant thought that the new title they had exclusively awarded each other with did not come without a price. But what was that price? Her liberty?
Or her former relationship with Kaname?
While she had always felt some type of affection for the man she wondered, aside from the intimacy, how would their relation change by this new route they had sailed in. Even if had been the desire to bear her own children to carry her own last name what had solidified their agreement she couldn't help but wonder if for the brown assasin things ran deeper.
Sitri's last words were a faint echo in her mind.
The cold of the winter winds was no longer a bother, it was the icyness of her own heart what had her shivering now.
Had she asked Sitri he probably would have told her it was indeed her liberty. Because the simple fact was once you took a mate you belonged to them in a sense. you were trusting them with every part of you both kind and cruel and you were trusting them not to hurt you. One of the reasons that Sitri did not understand the point. After all, all he had known had been hurt at the paws of those who swore they loved him. His mother his sister using them to their own twisted and sick carnal desires. His queen using him for her own carnal, and other desires. He had always been used and abused by those who loved him or said they did.
Realizing Cara was lost in her own thoughts and fearing for her. Sitri leaned forward and touched his nose to her shoulder. Are you okay Cara?
fade?
And thus, Cara was caught right in between in the middle of a web she had woven herself, tangled in thoughts and 'what ifs' that wrapped around her neck like a noose. Being an individual that was forced into growing up far too quickly, Cara had adopted the philosophy to never regret and never forget.
As a young teen, after her father fell blind and began to be consumed by his old age, Cara was forced to switch from the role of child to guardian. Unlike her sisters, she took it upon her own hands to accompany her father until his last moments, never faltering at his side.
The time she spent grounded to the same place instead of leaving to start her own life was never one she would recover, but it was also not one she wished back.
Every miserable second she spent tending him and enduring her sisters' abuse was a second she kept firmly in her heart and mind.
Never would that be forgotten.
And as a newly appointed Alpha, in the midst of the grief, she would never regret having fought the ursurper. Even if a chunk of her dignity as well as a few scars had been lost and earned respectively, if given the chance she would do it all over again. Every lunge, every bite and every battle cry would be mirrored into the present if it was required.
Never would that loss be regreted.
So what was it about the conversation that a feeling of anguish cimbing up her esophagus like bile?
With a heavy sense of uncertainty stirring in her stomach like food in a cauldron, the Queen was suddenly left speechless. She felt the soft touch of the male but did nothing to awknowlegde it. Instead with her lips still pursed thoughtfully and a blank expression plastered across her face she pulled pulled her head away from the comfort she had found in Sitri's pillow-like frame.
"Goodnight SItri, it's cold." she managed to muster before stepping ungracefully back into the shadows of her home.
Maybe she did not regret her decision, but there was something she could not forget.
An anonymous white silhouette that still lingered in her most precious memories.