Redhawk Caldera i'd give my life

Pantaleimon had been worried sick after Peregrine's break-down. He just didn't know what to do, because there was nothing he could do to magically fix Perry. It had made Pan realise that there might be a day when he would lose Peregrine, which was a terrifying thought to Pantaleimon. Without Perry, life seemed like a terrible place. Pan wasn't sure he would survive that. It was strange how much one's life could change in a few months, Pantaleimon realised.

After hunting, Pan brought home a scrawny rabbit. He hoped that Peregrine would like it. Things had been awkward lately: first the confessions -- both of gender and of love -- and then the blood clot, or whatever Ashton had said it was... Pantaleimon had been eager to discover more about himself since that night -- the confession one, not the blood clot one -- but for now, things were on pause as he was trying to keep his anxiety of losing Perry at bay and not act like a total ridiculous overworrying idiot all the time.

Pan set out towards the rendezvous site with the rabbit dangling from his mouth. He figured he'd find @Peregrine right where he had left him earlier today. Hopefully he'd be hungry.

The Alpha male was grumpy. Actually, that was an understatement. Peregrine was downright bitter. He hated Ashton for misdiagnosing him and giving him false hope and he hated his goddamn eyeball for not working and he hated the stupid blood clot for fucking up everything. He tried his best not to act like a sourpuss around his family members but he was short and snippy even with Fox, Pan and the kids. That just made him hate himself more than anything. It was a vicious cycle and he knew he must break free of it someday, he just wasn't there yet.

When Pan came loping back to the rendezvous site with food, the Alpha male's eyes lifted, though only the one could see the pale wolf and the rabbit in his jaws. It swung back and forth suggestively, yet Peregrine was so busy wallowing at the moment that he just shifted himself to turn his back on the well-meaning Gamma and his gift. The dead rabbit just served to remind the swarthy Alpha that he couldn't hunt for himself in his condition and that the only way he would survive now was on others' charity.

Pantaleimon kept up hopes that Peregrine would be in a better mood than when he'd left earlier today. He reasoned that if he would just be positive, it would rub off on Peregrine sooner or later. Pan had no idea what was going on with Perry. Not only did Pan have little clue when it came to medicine, but this was something that happened inside of Perry's head. How could any wolf fix that? It worried Pan that all he could do was hope and pray that it'd go away on its own, it seemed.

Unfortunately, Pan's positive attitude was soon beat to death with a stick by Perry's reaction. Pantaleimon's tail drooped and ears fell back against head as he watched Perry turn away. Pantaleimon put the rabbit down not far from Perry and muttered, "I guess you're not hungry..." Pantaleimon sat down, staring at Perry's back, not sure what to say or do. Pan wanted nothing more than to comfort Peregrine, but there seemed nothing he could do. He couldn't even cheer his lover up, let alone beat this strange illness.

I made a slight assumption. Let me know if I need to change it. :)

He made no reply, even though Pan's quavering tone almost always softened him, even in the worst of tempers. Peregrine was feeling too sorry for himself, too enraged at the circumstances, for anybody to get through to him. He thought it was better to turn his back on his lover and keep his mouth shut, rather than turn around and take either a verbal or actual swing at him. The Alpha might actually do that; he couldn't trust himself, so he clenched his teeth and pretended Pan wasn't there.

After a while, he assumed his lover must left because Pan hadn't made a sound. Peregrine slowly turned to sniff at the rabbit, only for his one good eye to clap upon his lover sitting nearby, quiet as a mouse. The swarthy wolf glowered at the ground a minute, then pushed himself upright and said gruffly, "I don't need your charity, Pan. I can hunt for myself. If I can't, I'll die. That's just how it works."

Pan waited silently, wondering if he should just lay next to Perry. He considered taking away the rabbit, since it seemed only to cause grief, but he knew that Perry needed it to survive. It was a foolish thought that he would get by alone, and Pantaleimon would do anything to help his lover get through this. After that, he could hunt again and fill the caches, or care for others who needed it. Heck, even Pantaleimon had needed it at one point or another, when he'd first come to Redhawk Caldera's borders, hungry and lonely.

Pantaleimon watched the look on Perry's face when he turned to get the rabbit and seemed almost startled to see Pan was still there. Pan understood why: he was often quiet; he'd arrive and depart quietly at times, almost literally tiptoeing around not to bother anyone. But this time, the reason he'd been quiet was because he was still sitting by the rabbit.

A sad smile fell over Pan's face upon Perry's comment. "The way it works," Pan said softly, "Is that you're part of a pack. And a pack looks after each other." If Perry wanted to think like a wild wolf, he should take that into account, too, Pan felt. Pan wasn't looking for a discussion, but realised only after saying it that he might've just unlocked one.

Of course, Peregrine knew Pan was right. He also knew he was being obstinate and generally difficult. It was like he couldn't help himself. He was so saturated with bitterness over the circumstances that he couldn't control it. Hopefully he would figure out how to manage it soon, preferably before he alienated his entire family.

"I know," he replied in a weary, clipped tone. "I'm not much of an Alpha male if I can't hunt for myself, though." That was a sticking point for him. Some kings would love for their subordinates to bring them meat. For Peregrine, it just made him feel pathetic.

Pantaleimon wasn't sure what to say or do; he wished that he could show Peregrine things in perspective, how it didn't matter because he would be fine in due time. His first instinct was to tell Perry he could always step down if he thought he was not suited to be Alpha Male, but Pantaleimon swallowed the thought of saying those words soon. The problem was, when he'd actually been demoted by Fox, Perry had been humble and thought he deserved to be demoted. Now he retained his Alpha Male pride, but at the same time he knew he was not currently up to par with how he should be as Alpha. It was tricky, and Pan was sure that he'd be fine in time -- even though he worried a lot -- but Peregrine would just have to bite through it. And so would the rest of the family.

Pan lay down, facing Peregrine, and gingerly licked the tip of his nose. "You'll always be my Alpha male," he said, though he felt awkward right after, for multiple reasons. "I mean, uhm, you'll get through this..." Pantaleimon looked away, at the ground, hoping that Perry wouldn't be upset because of his stunted words. Even if they were harsher at the rest of the world, Pan felt there was little he could say to make Perry feel better these days. Most words just seemed to make things worse, and Pan found himself longing back to the carefree beginning days of their relationship, before complicating matters and mysterious frightening injuries.

Pan's comment was so absurd that Peregrine suddenly found himself softening despite his foul temper. A small smile twitched at the corner of his lips and he shook his head. "That's not really how it works," he mumbled, then said, "Come here." He shifted his weight onto his left side, curling his body somewhat so that his lover's form would fit between his fore- and hind legs.

Once Pantaleimon was in position, Peregrine said frankly, "I don't mean to be so grumpy and nasty. This whole thing is just scary and fucked. And it's hard for me to accept charity and sympathy right now. I don't want those things. I want my sight back."

Pantaleimon was glad when Peregrine opened up a little and let him in. Pan didn't waste any time and quickly assumed the opened position by Perry's side. He gingerly nuzzled the good side of Perry's face while he listened to Peregrine. Pan wanted to say that Perry wasn't being grumpy and nasty at all, but he knew that Perry could be, in the state he was in now, and so he didn't say any of that and just listened. Sometimes, just talking about it could feel good, so maybe that's all Perry needed.

It was a relief to Pan that Perry admitted that it was scary; not only did that get closer to the reason he was being as he was, but it also made Pan feel less silly about being terrified about this whole thing himself. "I know," Pan said sympathetically, even though Perry had just said he didn't want sympathy. Part of Pan's sympathy was selfish -- he didn't want to lose Perry -- but somehow he couldn't help showing it, anyway, carrying his emotions on his sleeve as always. "I'm scared too. I want your sight back, too." Which sounded a bit silly in hindsight, again, but Pantaleimon decided to just try and act normal and not look too weird about it; Perry knew what he meant, anyway.

He didn't say anything for a while, letting Pan's words fade into silence. He gazed off into the distance, though of course he only saw half of what he'd once been able to see. This realization caused an overwhelming sense of sadness to wash through him. He grieved the loss of his sight. It was like a death in the family. He would have to come to terms with it, learn how to live without it and move on because...

"But it's not coming back," he mumbled under his breath. "That leaves me no other choice. I either adapt, or I die." He might not die literally (although there was always that possibility) but Peregrine Redhawk, Alpha male, would perish and he would become nothing but a shadow of his former self.

Pantaleimon had no idea how such things really worked, but he was pretty sure that if things were coming out of your eye sockets that weren't supposed to be there, generally it meant you were not going to see through that eye again. It scared Pan too, for even though he didn't think that living without one eye was undoable, what had caused it? Nobody seemed to know for sure (at least Pan sure didn't) and Pantaleimon was too scared to share his fears of Perry losing his second eye, too, because that would just make the possibility of that happening too real.

Upon the mention of the eye sight not coming back, Pantaleimon shifted his weight briefly, feeling uncomfortable with the subject. Pan didn't want to come to terms with this either, not really, because it was all so scary. "You'll adapt," Pantaleimon said confidently while nuzzling Perry's nose, for that was the one thing that he was sure of: Perry would get through this bit of it, through the loss of sight in one of his eyes. He'd get through all that. It was what came after that frightened Pantaleimon the most.

Pan assured him he'd adapt. Peregrine said nothing. He didn't really have a choice, did he? But he found himself not wanting to dwell on any of this all of a sudden. His eyesight was gone and it wasn't coming back. There was nothing to be done. At least he had one good eye (thankfully, it didn't occur to him to fear losing it too) and he could still see, just not the same way as before.

"We should talk about something else," he said after a stretch of silence, his voice only a little gruff. "I need a distraction." It vaguely reminded him of using Lasher to help him get over Junior's supposed death way back in the day, though he barely gave it conscious thought. He turned his good eye on Pan, hoping he could come provide some kind of diversion.

Pantaleimon was glad that Peregrine did not entirely block him out, like he did some others in his life. If he wanted to get through this, he would need to adapt, but he also would need to keep the pack's respect, and not let them see the bad, grouchy side of him. "Me too," Pantaleimon muttered softly when Peregrine admitted he needed a distraction; Pan was terrified thinking about all of this and what might happen in the future, if this happened now, and he wanted nothing more than to not-think of it.

There was a moment of silence while Pantaleimon tried to think of a subject they could talk about. In that moment Pantaleimon mostly found out that above all of the stress and worries, he was really happy that Peregrine was still alive, and that they were together in this moment. A warm feeling bubbled up in Pan's stomach as he put things in perspective and realised all the more how much he loved Perry and savoured this moment.

"Maybe you could..." Pantaleimon trailed off, feeling unsure, and shifted his weight a little. "Uhm, could tell me about the things you want to do to, uhm, with me, when you're better... y'know." Pan shot Perry a hasty and bashful smile that betrayed the sort of subjects he had in mind; Pan still felt very unsure about sexuality because it was, well, difficult considering how he felt, but maybe it'd make Peregrine think of more positive thoughts.

He cracked a wry smile when Pan corrected himself, switching to to with. There were many things he wanted to do with (and to) Pantaleimon, though it was hard to get into that head space right now. He met his lover's request with a thoughtful silence, which stretched on for so long that the Alpha reached out to apologetically touch his nose to Pan's jawbone.

"I do want you," he said quietly, "I'm just not really in the mood." He paused, then said, "You could try to get me there, if you wanted... no pressure, though," Peregrine added. Since he wasn't really feeling it, it would be no major loss if Pan didn't want to indulge him. But if he did, there was a strong chance the virile Alpha male would be swept up in the sensual energy of it, especially after waiting so patiently for their relationship to graduate to that level.

Pantaleimon felt embarrassed when Perry spoke, which showed in his actions; he looked down, making eye contact briefly a couple of times in between looking away, and he felt his face heat up. "Uhm, I... I don't know if I, y'know, how." Pan didn't know much about this sort of thing, and he always imagined that if it would happen, it'd be Perry taking initiative.

Pan's only experience was when it didn't work, with a girl -- he'd never been with a guy, and had never imagined a way that a sexual experience would work for him to begin with. He wasn't sure what his own desires in this were either, if there was a way he could without feeling awkward for not having the right parts in his mind. And so he was far from feeling secure enough in this energy that he could get Perry, well, anywhere.

If he'd been in a different head space, Peregrine might have really enjoyed guiding Pan into this. It would be a unique opportunity, essentially getting to mold his lover into whatever he wanted. However, the Alpha just wasn't in the mood. And when Pan confessed he didn't know how, Peregrine just wasn't feeling up to the level of effort required to show him.

"Don't worry about it," he said. He fell silent, then added, "Besides, I want to be totally in the moment with you when we finally get to that point. I don't want a pity fuck. I want us to both fully want it, so we can enjoy ourselves." He flashed Pan a quick smile before his face rearranged itself back into a stoic mask.

"I think I'm going to sleep for a bit." It was his only escape, even if he was more restless than tired. "I'll try to eat a bit when I wake up. I don't mean to shit on your gift, Pan. Sorry." He meant his apology in general. He wished he had better control over his emotions right now but the vision loss was getting the better of him for sure.

He fell quiet for good, letting his chin drift to rest atop his paws, and closed both eyes. I wonder if I could sleep with the left open, he mused darkly, then mercifully fell asleep within minutes.

Though he wanted to take Perry's mind off things, Pantaleimon couldn't help but be relieved when Perry admitted that it was okay and that they should do it some other time. Pan was still generally really insecure about sexual things and had no clue what he really wanted (and didn't want), and was afraid of the things he might not want without knowing it until it was too late. Regardless, things were complicated on both ends right now, and Pan nodded in agreement that it was better to wait.

Pan nodded again when Perry said he was going to sleep for a bit. He nuzzled Perry's cheek, and licked the corner of his lips before he got up again. Pan had considered staying, but he wasn't really tired and didn't want to try and sleep just for Perry; it was probably easier for him to drift off to sleep if he was alone, too.

"It's okay, Perry," Pan said sympathetically, understanding that it had to be really tough for Perry, too. "I hope you'll get some sleep." With a last nuzzle to Perry's face, Pantaleimon turned around and trotted off, looking over his shoulder once before he was off again, deciding to patrol a bit to get his mind off things.