Under the covers

ooc: @Blue willow - set in 10th March

It had taken Osprey time to get back from Stavanger bay because of exhaustion, aching feet and frequent stops to have rest. She didn't feel bad, just very tired and the distance to plateau that had once been nothing for her, seemed to stretch for thousand and thousand miles. First she had thought that her current condition was an unwelcome side effect of her sickness weeks ago, but now that she came to think of it... as much as she wanted to deny it, there was a chance that... Oh, no...

She stopped briefly to sniff around the borders in order to gain any new information - there was not much. A newcomer or two, but nothing of great importance. She then entered the lands trying to decide, what to do first - go and have a rest and then visit Blue willow for advice or go straight away. If there was someone, who could put her mind at rest or quite the contrary, then it was her friend. With a sigh she put her plans of sleeping all day through for the future and took the path that led to the den, where the healer and her family resided.

Osprey was happy to see, that no one was around Blue's den and that they would have a chance to speak in private. She drew closer to the den's mouth and called quietly for her friend.

Blue had been worried for her fool hardy friend, since she left during her cycle. It made her so nervous, she wished she would have stayed among the pack lands, and away from others. But no one could control Osprey, it was like trying to catch smoke with paws. She just slid right on through, and Blue really didn't want too anyway. She enjoyed her friend, just the way she was.

It was a quiet moment, that her friend came upon. A very rare occasion as the little ones grew. Blue lifted her head, she looked around for a moment. Trying to assimilate herself with her own surroundings. Finally, as she blinked the last of sleep from her eyes, she stood and walked slowly to the mouth of the den.

She stepped into the bright sunlight, blinking for a moment and gave her friend a small appearance. She looked tired, but that was a given being that she had traveled. I am glad to see you are home Osprey! She leaned forward to give her friend a gentle nudge.

It was true that over the past four or five weeks Osprey had been away from the plateau more than she had been within it's borders. Unlike other pack members she sought freedom and lately, even though she contributed to the greater good for them (attended pack hunts, guarded the borders occasionally and refilled some of the caches), she began wondering, whether she would become a lone wolf in the end. Since she preferred to have her life on the move rather than staying in one place for very long. On the other hand, however, it was nice to have a place, where she could always return to.

Seeing Blue emerge from the den and come to greet her, made her heart swell with happiness. She returned the greeting, by nuzzling the soft fur on her friend's neck and then said: "Well, I have been around here more often than you have noticed." Which was true - she had not spoken to her ever since their last conversation, but she had been around to keep a watchful eye on the new family and plateau's future. But she hadn't come here to have small talk, therefore she retreated few steps away and gave the healer an earnest look: "Blue - let's say, that I - theoretically - messed up few weeks ago. If you have a good look at me... Am I in trouble?"

Blue knew that Osprey enjoyed her freedom, and though it worried her. She did not try and take that away from her friend, and as long as Blue was a leader. She would always have a place here, not matter how long she was gone. And Blue would not in anyway accept her being a lone wolf, she'd rather she stayed here once a year than be a lone wolf.

Blue sighed softly I'm sorry if I seemed to ignore you. It wasn't intended, I hope you don't dislike me for it. Three little ones are much more work than most think. Blue had smelled Osprey on Eilidh recently, but she hadn't really thought much on it. Perhaps she should have.

The next words caused her pause, she tightened her jaw slightly. She looked over her friend with an assessing healers eye. The slightly rounded tummy, the dark circles under her eyes. The clear ginger way she stepped. She sighed, OH Osprey that was foolish, but we will make it work I think. The plateau is large enough to support another litter I imagine. But yes you are in major trouble, my friend and no one will be as accepting as I am. Do i know him?

Blue was a little more than upset with her friend, but at the moment she couldn't do anything. Except make sure mom and babies were safe, she was under the false thought that Osprey would keep them. Because what mother would not want to keep their children right?

"No... no grudge held for that," Osprey said and winked. Both of them were busy in their own way so, why take offences for things that neither of them could change? Blue willow was a good and devoted mom to her kids, the rest of the pack could get by. They were all grown up people, weren't they? Could take care of themselves without having someone herding them around...

...yet the next words she heard brushed every little bit of happiness about the meeting away. At the back of her mind Osprey had known that all was not right. That there was a possibility. But being put face to face with the truth turned out to be too hard to take in. And as Blue willow continued to speak, she had a feeling that all of a sudden her world was spinning too past.

"What..." she furrowed her brow, trying to understand, what had been the last thing her friend had said. "No... goddamnit..." she shook her head and sat down. "Bloody hell..." she sighed staring at her paws now, feeling utterly confused and shocked. "And you are not mistaken?" she peeked up at the healer with a faint glimmer of hope in her voice.

Blue laughed, and winked back. Blue Willow was trying to be a good mother, as well as a good packmate. She would not go down the road that Hawkeye did, though bless the woman's soul. It had not been easy for her.

Blue watched as the blood left Osprey's face. She clicked her tongue, she should have known this would happen. They had talked about it, if Osprey had listened to her. But she would not go down that road, she would not condemn and wheedle. No it was not her right, and she could say nothing critical, when Osprey was probably already beating herself up about it. And then when the other members of the pack found out, by all the gods in heaven it would be a nightmare.

Blue looked at her and sighed I could be of course. But I don't think I am. Do you feel off center? Are you sick when you eat and after? Is it worse in the morning and the evening? Are you crampy and bloated? Are you extremely tired.?

Osprey stared at her fore paws with a blank gaze, while Blue willow named all of the symptoms that she had gone through lately. Some - such as sickness - had been more distinct than cramps and being bloated. She had been tired - yes - but then again she tended to walk long distances and wasted her energy in various other ways. She had felt heavy though and the places that had been once easy to reach weren't like that anymore. Come to think of it - being out of breath was something she had never experienced up until lately.

She searched her mind for an appropriate swearword that could sum up the myriad of emotions she felt at the moment. But none of them seemed good enough. This was bad. She had been in trouble before, but this was the peak of any previous misadventures she had ever been into. Then a thought occurred to her, but deep inside she knew, what would Blue say. "And... there is no way to fix it?" she asked without looking at her friend. It was a shameful thing to ask or do, yet, what other options did she have?

Blue saw the blank expression on her friends face, and she wanted to cry for the unfairness of it. Yes Osprey had acted irresponsibly, and rashly and some could say rather stupidly. But the simple fact was, that time of year, everyone went a little crazy. And though she loved her friend dearly, Osprey was already a little flighty sometimes. But she would not change that for the world, it was what made Osprey, Osprey.

Blue stared at her sadly and looked down. She swallowed thickly, there were ways to take care of it, surely. Ways that most would bulk at, and normally Blue would too. But the simple thing was, if her friend asked her too. She'd help her, though her heart would break in the process. There are ways of taking care of it yes. There are herbs and plants, that can be eaten and you will miscarry, or they will be still born. It is depressing and heart wrenching though Osprey, and there is no guarantee that you will be okay too.

There was always a way out - the true question was, whether you were ready to take it and sacrifice a lot in the process? Osprey didn't think about the children she carried as little wolves yet. The concept of them was very obscure, therefore she thought about her unwanted pregnancy as just an inconvenience. A sickness that you could get rid off with the right drugs. And there were and had she been a more selfish and daring person she would have jumped at the opportunity the moment Blue willow offered it.

But she did not. There was a long moment of silence during which Osprey could only think about two things - the fact that she would not be okay in the end and that she would break her friends heart by asking her to give the herbs. It was then that she knew - that she didn't want to die (if that was the possibility) and that her mistake was not worth her friends suffering. It would not be right to make the healer somehow responsible for the death of the "accidental children". Especially, since she was a mother herself.

As tempting as this quick-fix seemed, Osprey decided against it. She looked at her friend, feeling sorry for requesting such a thing: "Blue, I won't do that to you... I just... this can't happen... there is no life for them here..." It was now a thought further. A little glimpse in the future that her children could/would have, if they were born here and now. The image was not pretty or happy. They woud be deemed as bastards, who had no rights, whom all could bully an look down to. And what would happen to her? Would she want to have her life as a constant fight to protect the ones that were her kin? Would she want to go that far as to beg for mercy?

Blue didn't say anything, she knew she was not like most. The moment she knew she was pregnant, she had thought of them as little wolves. Had bonded with them immediately, but she knew some couldn't or wouldn't do that. And she could not fault them, for it.

Blue stood still, while there was silence. She knew her friend had to think about it. But time was also of the essence, she already may have been too far along for the herbs to work. Blue wasn't sure, having never really had to do such as this. It was also the simple fact, that she honestly didn't know how they worked. She was thoughtful, while her friend struggled with the concept, and the reality.

Blue smiled a bit softly It has already happened Osprey. And without using the herbs, you will have those babes and you will have them here. And I promise you, after you get a look of their fuzzy mugs, you are going to be lost my friend. Despite what others may think, I do not see why they couldn't be raised here. Yes they maybe treated badly, but not by myself, or lasher or our children. I can't even imagine Dante being cruel. Blue could easily point out, that her own children were considered bastards, by a few. Including Peregrine's own mate.

Thank you, Blue, for acting like a friend, but I don't think you understand... Osprey wanted to say, but did not. Couldn't, because she did not understand this herself. What were the other reasons, why the very thought of giving birth, raising her own brood, made her cringe. Was it only fear for their futures? Were they regrets for the lost freedom and independence? Unwillingness to have constantly fight for their rights? Defend those little souls from suffering that others might bring them? In the days to come she would dig deeper, she would find, what made her restless and unhappy.

Besides... people could point out to her friend's children and call them bastards all they wanted, but they had a loving father and pack to look after them. It wasn't like Blue had run off in the wilds, messed with a stranger (strangers?) and got home, gloating like a hero for a mission uncomplished. It had taken her a lot of inner-struggle to do this. There was nothing to be ashamed of. Not unlike Osprey, who had gone against every single rule. Maybe she would have found solace in a thought that she had wanted kids - if that had been her purpose. But it hadn't. For once she had let herself be and, look, where it had brought her.

She spoke of having a look at the face of her newborn kids, that it would do the magic, that it would change her mind, but she knew that it would not. That she would still be just as much afraid and scared as she was now. Not equipped to be a good mother or any kind of mother at all. She didn't want them and, if it was true, what they said about kids feeling instinctively your most carefully hidden thoughts, then how fair would it be for them to know that their own mom... Shit. She cursed, stopping the row of these thoughts.

"I appreciate that your loyalty," Osprey said in the end and got to her feet, unwilling to continue the conversation and find out, what more it would bring. It was not Blue willow's fault at all. "I... I will go now, have to consider things... I promise to drop by though, just in case," the last thing was a lie. Osprey knew she would not be able to face her friend any sooner than after she had come to terms with herself.

Blue knew her friend was struggling, and therein lied the sole reason. The reason, she did not tell her off. Blue was upset of course, she was angry of course, but she also saw things in a neutral light. And truth be told, she did not want the responsibility of chasing away Osprey or her children if it came down to it. So she tried to make it okay.  She wasn't sure how Dante felt, or even Lasher, but they would need to talk about it.

She wanted to say something, to make Osprey stay here with her. She shouldn't be alone right now, but she realized there was no point. Osprey was going to do what Osprey wanted, regardless. So instead she dipped her muzzle, and licked her friends muzzle. I am here if you need me for anything Osprey, even if it is for that reason, or just to speak.

"Blue, you are a very good friend," Osprey told after she had offered to be available, whenever she would need her. It was hard to imagine now, how could possibly the beta help her to get out of this mess that had begun to brew and grow above her head like a dark and heavy-ladden rain-cloud. But if she would not have a chance to tell, how very much she cared for her, how much she apprecated all the care and concern, the acceptance and coping with her flaws, she decided to say it now. Just in case.

"See you," she touched her lightly on the cheek and then turned and left, unsure of how to handle this new trouble she was in, having no certainty of what awaited her in the near future.