Turn to Stone

@Blue Willow

The ex-Alpha had slept restlessly in the old den the night before. Tears fell from her eyes as she stared at the dark walls of the place she laid in a stupor. Her mind felt numb and her body like a gigantic weight.

Rising long before dawn, without any sleep, Hawkeye exited the den. After a moment's thought, she then burst into a run, flashes of the past months going through her mind. Pied leaving, Peregrine becoming her mate, the return of Pied, and then everything had collapsed. She had no sister, she had no mate, she no longer had a pack.

Before she knew it, she had arrived at the waterfall she had taken Junior to the week before. Hawkeye collapsed in front of the water, feeling pathetic and weak; she had always acted tough in front of everyone, and for what? To break down into a depressed pile of mush?

Hanging her paw into the water, Hawkeye promised herself that she wouldn't let anyone in again. And so, she let her heart turn to stone.

feel free to rage at Blue she'll take it :) though she might be a little bit speechless I can also delete this if you want a baby mama thread?

Blue Willow as par usual for her she traversed around the borders helping to keep them fresh and aware. She had not heard anything from hawkeye in some time and she felt terrible that perhaps she had part of that whole thing, all she had remarked on though had been the tension at the first meeting and of course when Perry had said Atticus had a crush on the female she had simply said she couldn't see him having such feelings if he didn't have the idea that they were returned, and that had been deduced purely from what Perry had said. However, she probably should have stayed out of it, but being the wolf that she was she liked to help everyone where she could.

As she walked like a shadow it seemed Hawkeye appeared as if her very thoughts hda bidden her come hither to seek out the other. She tilted her head and thought about just continuing on, she was not nearly as close to Hawkeye as she was to Perry, but she would not treat one better than the other simply because she was friends with the other. She chuffed gently, but keeping her stance neutral.

Hawkeye lifted her head only as high as she needed to to set her eyes on Blue Willow. The female groaned, thinking about how close the Beta was to Peregrine and that he probably secretly had feelings for her since she was around and such a good caretaker. Hawkeye had to admit that Blue Willow was good with the pups, but that didn't keep spite out of her mind.

Sighing first, she then spoke. "What do you want," she more stated than asked in a bored and annoyed tone.

Blue Willow was taken back at first at the tone and wondered what she had done to warrant such things, but then she decided it didn't matter. hawkeye of course was not in a good mood, she had lost her mate and her sister in a few short months, Blue herself would have been hard pressed to be kind. She had no idea that her closeness to Peregrine was part of it.

I do not want anything really. I was passing through and saw you out and about without anyone breathing down your neck and merely wanted to check on you? You have had a rough few months. She did not say anything specific as far as she was concerned Hawkeye could be upset because of Pied or the pups or any number of things.

Hawkeye narrowed her brow but didn't move. "Yea, well, you have your sister die, have to take care of four pups, then have your fucking mate leave you because he likes to give up on things like a little bitch. Then come back and check on me." There wasn't any doubt that Hawkeye was bitter about everything at the moment, not caring if her words were vicious or cold.

The wolf splayed on the ground then sighed. Her voice softened slightly. "Don't ever fall in love, Blue Willow. Scratch that, don't ever love anyone for that matter. They only hurt you." Her nose began to tingle and her key-lime green orbs swelled as she blinked back tears.

Blue Willow blinked at the profanity that rolled off the other's tongue, again not being used to such words. But she however understood, she herself may have let a few choice words fly if she had been in the same position as the other. I am sorry about all that hawkeye, though I know that my words won't matter or make it hurt any less.

Blue shifted and then sat too her haunches thinking about her words and playing them throughout her mind. She was unsure how to approach that. She herself wanted to fall in love ,but she would go slower she supposed and if it came out in heartache well it should be something she would not want to miss out on. Though I take you're words to heart i'm afraid I must decline. I won't not fall in love, because there maybe a chance it will hurt. I do not want to give up that experience. And yes if it ends badly it will hurt badly, but that is another experience I was supposed to have I suppose.

Hawkeye lifted her head and looked Blue Willow straight in the eyes. "I said that, too, once. But the pain isn't worth it at all." She dropped her head again and it landed with a thump. "And now I have kids to take care of with him, because he thinks that not trying to make things work is definitely the best idea due to that it's the lazy way out."

She shifted, sitting halfway up. "Did you know he courted me? And he said he'd do anything to prove he was worth it." She shook her head slightly. "I just can't believe he's ditching me after the promises he made." Hawkeye sat there silently for a moment, staring off into space, before returning her sharp eyes to Blue Willow's face.

Blue Willow sighed she felt terrible that the other was in so much pain, but she honestly did not know what to do. Peregrine had been easy to talk to compared to this. Does he think it's best idea for that or because he thinks its the best way for the children? I merely ask to try to understand.

Blue shook her head no I didn't know that I'm afraid, it does not surprise me though that he would say those things. It does surprise me that he is just ditching you as you put it? Did he explain to you why he did those things? I just can't see him leaving you merely because of being lazy. I could however be wrong, I am not privy to his inside knowledge. She shifted again wondering if she was going to make this worse than it was.

"What would be best for the children would be their parents being together and in love. And I consider it 'ditching me' when the second he starts to not have feelings, be bails. He didn't bother trying to work on things, he just decides that it's over.

"He was so eager to have me as his own, was so 'hesitant' to be Alpha, yet he has no problem leaving me and ruling the pack on his own once he's had his use of me." Hawkeye could says thousands of things on the subject of Peregrine, but she felt almost exhausted from being so angry. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and narrowed her brow, willing the pain to go away. I am Stone, she thought desperately.

Blue nibbled at the inside of her cheek she was unsure what to say here. she knew Peregrine hadn't left without much thought and he had been very torn and he had been planning on trying to maybe work it out until the bombshell of her cheating had hit bottom. However if he hadn't said anything to her it was not Blue's place to say anything at least that was her thinking though perhaps slightly faulty.

Blue moved and spoke softly you know Peregrine was distraught about this whole situation it bothered him deeply. I just want to share that. He is only trying to do what he thinks best for your pups. so they do not see the tension. there are other ways to do these things of course and it doesn't make the pain any less on both sides though.

"No, I'd definitely say it was less on his fucking side. He mulled over it for weeks, acted like there was a chance for us to get back together, and decides to bail on his commitments. If you want that in an Alpha, good for you. I'd be kicking his ass to the curb if I was still Alpha. I no longer respect who he is or who he was. He has no backbone and vents his problems to the world, following the advice and words of others." Hawkeye fumed, angry at the convenience of the timing of everything.

She growled. "But it's totally fine. I don't talk to anyone about anything anymore since my fucking sister died, but he can air everything to everyone who fucking loyally follow him because they're under his spell." Hawkeye didn't care what she said, because the words she spoke were true.

Blue sighed she could have probably easily brought Hawkeye down further with a few well placed barbs, but she didn't and couldn't it wasn't fair. However her fur did rise in slight wariness. She was not comfortable with the level of animosity oozing from the mother. there's a very large reason he decided to completely leave and I think you should ask him about it as it is not my place to air anyone's dirty little secrets yours included. however I agree it could have been handled differently and I told him that as well. and she had told him that body language alone was not enough that he needed to tell hawkeye about her tryst and how it caused a huge tear. Because there was confusion and the bitter she wolf thought he left for different reasons well rather stayed gone than tried again.

Blue willow's eyes softened as she stood up just as I did for him I'll do the same for you I'm more than capable of staying neutral and I would gladly lend my ears to you to rant and rave or just speak. it is not easy being alone with your thoughts and no one should have to be.

Hawkeye was irritated. "If there was a reason other than the fact that he just "fell out of love" with me, he should have manned up and said something. He made promises he couldn't keep. If he couldn't keep them, then he shouldn't have made them." She looked away.

Hearing Blue Willow's words, she turned her head toward the other dark woman. "You really think you can do that? Peregrine basically worships the ground you walk on, Blue Willow. You're obviously going to favor him." Hawkeye wanted to storm off, but didn't have the energy to.

Blue listened and said quietly Yes he should have told you but i am sure there was hurt feelings and confusion there as well as anger. Perhaps he didn't wish to upset you further?

Blue tilted her head and spoke softly Yes I think I could I can see both sides of the issue, that is what makes a third party good. And no he does not Hawkeye we are good friends, but he does not worship the ground i walk on.

Hawkeye couldn't fathom being any more upset than she already was, but she had a moment of clarity and admitted internally that maybe there was something that could have made things worse, though she couldn't think of what. "Yea, maybe," she conceded. "I don't know. I just feel betrayed and thrown away. I am sorry if my tone with you was harsh. You didn't deserve that.

"And it's not necessarily 'worshipping', but damn near close. He's got you up on a pedestal, even if it isn't a pedestal of romantic love. 'Hawkeye is the devil's incarnate, and Blue Willow can do no wrong' is his thought process." The larger of the two dark females sighed softly and sadly, wondering how things got to how they were.

Blue dipped her muzzle Oh it's okay hawkeye I know you are not having an easy time of it. If I lessen some of your sadness by allowing you to rant at me in a manner of speaking I would do it again. And though i've never been in this situation, I would probably feel the same way, but If I were you I would ask if there was more to it, just so maybe you can have a bit more closure and understanding? Willow sat back down to her haunches having stood thinking she may have to leave, but it seemed Hawkeye was calming down.

Blue struggled a bit with that concept, she did not believe that Peregrine had her on a pedestal but they were good friends and someone may view their friendship thusly. She just shrugged not all that worried about it Well if it makes you feel better I am not anywhere near perfect.

Her brow furrowed and her eyes shot to the ground at the thought of speaking to Peregrine. Especially about their relationship. "Why would there be more to it? He would have told me everything when we had talked. Or, more him talking at me." She lifted her gaze to Blue Willow. "Do you know anything else? He'd tell you or Atticus if anything was going on, maybe Kisu... but he's closer to you and his brother." Hawkeye hmm'd for a moment, trying to think if there had been anything she'd done or said but drew a blank.

A meek smile showed on her face. Her voice gentle, she said, "I know you aren't perfect, but compared to you, I feel like nothing. Peregrine is always searching for you to talk to, asking you to do this and that. It was like he preferred you to me, and now he does for sure." Tears filled Hawkeye's green orbs and she looked away from Blue Willow in attempt to hide them.

Blue shifted becoming uncomfortable with this talks new direction. she didn't feel that it was her place it was Perry's and AAtticus's I do know a little more but I find that I am uncomfortable talking about it and I think you should ask Peregrine for that answer.

Blue frowned I'm sorry I never meant for that. I wish I could make you feel better. though blue was friends with Perry and what Atticus and Hawkeye had done was wrong it was not her place to judge or cajole or antagonize. she needed to keep a neutral front.

Her facial muscles relaxed while her brow stayed slightly furrowed. So, she does know what's going on. Peregrine is so fucked up. Blue Willow said she would not choose sides, but she was protecting Peregrine. Hawkeye shut her eyes and squeezed them tightly, wondering how she had gotten into such a fucked up position.

She opened her key-lime eyes, but directed them to the forest floor. She couldn't tell whether she was more hurt or angry. "I better be going," the black beast said in a low, stony tone. She wanted revenge, but had no way of getting there. At least, not for now.

If she had been asked Blue Willow would have easily told her she was not protecting Peregrine. the healer was perfectly fine talking about the finer points of mate ship and carnal knowledge when it was for healing and healing alone, but when it was to blatantly talk about it, it made her nervous. Realizing she should probably clarify but unsure how. She wasn't to know that anyone would think she was protecting Peregrine, it was just rather more of a protecting herself, as she did not like to talk about such things. Her mother would have died if she had known Blue was even thinking of talking about it. It was not something one talked about in polite conversation.

Blue sighed and spoke softly I'm sorry Hawkeye that I can't tell you. It is just something I am uncomfortable discussing in more than a clinical sense and it should come from Peregrine not me. If it was him here before me I would tell him the same thing. ANd she would one did not talk about the cheating ways of another in polite conversation. She was glad that Peregrine had confided in her and she didn't mind that he spoke about it and Hawkeye could too if she wanted, it was just merely something that Blue wouldn't talk about.

Hawkeye sighed, mostly to try and relieve agitation. "I understand, Blue Willow. I just don't like the fact he couldn't have told me when he was destroying my world." She knew that Blue Willow would not understand what heartbreak was like since the healer had never gone through such a thing. But Hawkeye could honestly say she wasn't quite sure what it was like, either, since everything about what was going on confused her and threw her emotions every which way.

Wanting to say something more, but not exactly sure what, Hawkeye gave Blue Willow a nod and a small smile and parted ways with the dark female, planning on spending time with herself to try and sort out the emotions that tore at her heart and soul.

Blue Willow did not understand heart break, though she was certain it was not a nice feeling. She did however respect the fact that it really did hurt and she was sure it felt as if Hawkeye's world was crumbling and besides that anyway, a mother's emotions were all wonky after birth anyway. I understand that hawkeye and I am sorry I wish I could fix it for you, but I can't. and she did she wished she could make it all go away fix it for her pack mates and she really wished she could have somehow made Hawkeye not commit such a faux pas.

Blue Willow returned the nod and with a smile she turned and trotted towards the way she had come intent on finishing what she had begun before.