Under the light of a 1000 colors

 If anyone aside from Blue Willow has the right to pups, it's you. Osprey took an involuntary step away from Dante, as if he had spat at her and turned her head sideways so that he would not see the conflicted emotions. Everything in her mind screamed - no, no, no, this is not right - and she failed to understand, why no one else saw the point she was making. Funny, but it seemed, that out of them all only Saena would be in agreement with her (she didn't have to meet the girl to know, what her thoughts about this would be). That this should not happen, that this was not, how things worked. There was hierarchy, there were rules, she had broken them and there were consequences. This was something you learned early on and as liberal Osprey was in her views about the world in general, there were some basic things that not even she dared to disobey.

Now - all of them - made it seem as it was not important, as if... it was nothing. Didn't they see the bigger picture? It didn't matter, what she wanted or not, what she deserved or not in terms of her rank and dedication to the pack. It was the family that counted and, what was best for them. In that picture there was no place for Osprey's offspring. Bastards. And as despicable the concept itself was, she knew that they would never get rid of that name. Neither in the childhood, nor in the adulthood. There would always be something missing. Then - what about her? Being free and now committed was one thing, but accepting the permission to have children, would also mean that she would be indebted to them in many ways. That she would be dependant.

And alone. The realization of this probably was the reason, why she didn't want to have the children here and now. Yes, she kept a happy face, was the tough one, presented herself as a freedom-loving bird that wasn't bothered by the fact that at her age she had no significant other. Yet, when it came to having a family... she could, of course, pull through, carry all of the burden on her shoulders, not complain and try to be happy, but she didn't want to. Not on her own. As much as Dante wanted to believe that plateau wolves were one tightly-knit family, they were not. Not in a way Osprey would have wanted it to be.

She did not feel safe or confident. Her sleep during the nights was still troubled, because she kept waking up at the slightest sound, fearing that someone would attack her. There was no one watching over her, she had to fend for herself. She wanted to have someone to cuddle up against. Someone she could tell all of the adventures she had had during the day, someone that could make her want to stay, rather than venture off and away from the pack on daily basis. Someone to return to, feel affection to... to love. Someone that could convince her that everything would be alright, when it felt like it would not.

Osprey had seen Peregrine's and Fox's happiness and fondness for each other and, even though she had never said it aloud, she wanted to have little bit of that too. To know, how it really felt, not watch from the sidelines, not imagine. What if... this recklessness on her side... had been because of that desperate need to be loved and not to be alone for once. When she looked back at her own madness several weeks ago, there was a lot she could not remember, but then again there weren't any unpleasant memories either. She had returned home feeling happy.

And as this all went through her mind in waves, she felt, how tears welled up in her eyes, how very unbearable it was to stand here and try to explain herself to the leader, as if he could understand anything of the storm that was raging within her. Therefore she did not answer and without lifting her glance she went past him.


ooc: not the end of the thread - Dante can follow.