Redhawk Caldera Exes and ohs

Pantaleimon barely breathed during the painstakingly long moment of silence in which Peregrine seemed to consider things. Even though Pantaleimon didn't even really want sex, he still felt terrible to hear Perry say he no longer cared for such things. Pantaleimon thought back to the days that Perry had teased him and had looked teased at the thought that Pan was not yet his, but some day... Now, it was like he'd friendzoned Pantaleimon and Pan hadn't realised 'til it was too late.

He must think I'm ugly, Pan thought painfully to himself. Or that I'm too slow, or that I don't want anything sexual with him. I should've moved sooner. But Pan didn't really want any of those things, either — still, he realised only too well that if he had pretended to want them, maybe this wouldn't be happening right now.

"Why not?" Pan found himself asking. He didn't really want to hear that he was unappealing in any way, but maybe he needed to. Or maybe Perry would wrap up those words in a soft pillow, blanketing the truth with sweet words. "I don't want to be family. I want to be your lover. I want you to... to want me to be..." But that wasn't going to happen. I thought that was what you wanted too, Pan thought, feeling surly. He didn't want to be pushed away. He'd accepted being second to Fox, even though she was what Pantaleimon really wanted to be, knowing the limitations to his physique. He'd accepted that, knowing it might not get better than that; and now he was losing even that. The feeling was almost as intense as the terrifying feeling of losing Perry when he had gotten his eye hurt; except that it was worse, because now it wasn't something else that was taking Perry away from Pan — it was his own fault for not being good enough.