Redhawk Caldera Exes and ohs

It hurt more than Pantaleimon could admit to anyone that Perry said that Fox kept him happy. Even if Pan didn't like sex because it reminded him of what he was, it didn't mean that he liked the love of his life saying that he was satisfied with another woman. He didn't need Pan, because he had Fox. That was really what he was trying to say. The soft way that Perry had said that Pan was beautiful did little to soften the blows, because in the end, beautiful wasn't equal to 'good enough'. And 'good enough', well, that was all Pantaleimon really wanted to be. It made Pan realise how little Perry and Fox really understood how he felt on the inside, how he felt about himself. It wasn't just about having pups or losing Perry. It was about being ditched because another woman was enough and he was painstakingly obviously not a woman, let alone a Fox. He knew that. He'd accepted that. But now it was slammed in his face and Pan didn't know how to even begin explaining how that felt.

It also reminded Pantaleimon once more that the pups they were going to have together weren't Pan's, and were never going to be Pan's. Perhaps Pan should've inquired about it or talked it through with Fox and Perry beforehand; how they saw him in regards to their pups. To Pan, it'd always been like they were his own, even the 1.0 version of the 'Birds. It became painstakingly clear that Pan's expectations had been too high. For a wolf who didn't often have high expectations, it hurt to see them pierced.

Pan swallowed difficultly while he tried to gather words. He didn't even want to try and explain how this made him feel, because would Perry even understand? Of course not, because it was utterly silly. Pan's entire existence was utterly silly. "I don't want to be beautiful, if it's not good enough," Pan murmured, looking away again. "I guess I need to think about this." Mostly Pantaleimon felt suffocated and wanted out of this situation, this conversation, this patrol. He just wanted out of the uncomfortable feeling and into Perry's embrace.

Except this time, it was Perry who was causing him so much pain, and so there was no one to run to anymore. He didn't know where he'd go, but he wanted to go somewhere and be alone to mull things over in his mind and try to deal with the overwhelming emotions, somehow.