Hushed Willows thing one thing two

the woman flinched as they each tumbled back at the cause of her action. eyes braced closed, her ears fell back as the whines and snarls reached her them; pushing her to the ground once more. amara could not grasp her emotions, nor comprehend the lack of maternal empathy she had failed to give, that she had not wanted to give in the first place; how much it damaged each and every relationship she had and would ever have. tear streaked face refused to meet their eyes, instead trembling violently with each and every sob-induced breath that racked her body. she could not stop, unable to put on hold the never ending waterfall of tears that continuously bubbled at her eyelids and cascaded down her face; releasing each drop like it held a piece of the cracking sanity that just managed to hold her together. 

she could not hold it in much longer, for she could not hold it at all.

"i-i'm sorry... i-i'm n-not good," she could not bring the words forward, knowing full well her actions were the cause of a misplaced hate, and even still, she could not bring herself to tell them that she loved them. she didn't. how was she supposed to speak; form words that made no difference from a mouth that had scorned them, look at them each day with eyes that had hated them at the first glance upon their birth, and embrace them as if the very resentment that settled in her heart for long before they could even being to make a difference, when nothing they could ever do would be able to change what had already been broken? 

"i can-n't—" a whine escaped her before she could finish and she tensed inwards, refusing to meet their awaiting gazes. "i-i'm n-not meant t-to love y-you.. im not" her voice could not hide the pain within, though she did not expect them to understand. "im s-so s-sorry," the dam broke, and she cried like she had not before, collapsing as she had done before though this, at the audience of children that were not within her. in that moment, she wished they would love her so she didn't have to; that they would care for her because she could not care for them; that they would understand that she could never love them for who they were because apart of them came from someone that she had hated so much, it had begun to be the only thing that kept her from fading away into nothingness. without the hate, she would have perished to her own mind, something she could not take back nor change. ever. if she could not hate, what else did she live for?