Sunbeam Lair His heart was hollow, his face in pain

@Noctura :)) Backdated to before the thread in which they find food and such.

How could she? Jolon was pacing back and forth up on the roof of their base, thinking about Ezimette. After her first time leaving them in the dust, Jolon had thought it ended there. She wouldn't run from him anymore, they would be together, forever. But now everything was falling to bits. She had left in a rather horrid time, the famine as many called it, and despite Jolon being angry at her, he still worried she might not make it on her own. But was it worth worrying about? She obviously didn't worry about her home, her fearless leader or himself. She didn't care, why should he? He had killed for her, he had opened up to her, and this is how he was treated? He should've just let her get raped by that nasty dude.

Of course it was wrong for the emotional man to think this, but he still did. Not only had she left him, but her home-their home as a whole. He gritted his teeth and stopped pacing, planting his haunches on the cold stone floor. Now what was he going to do? He couldn't just move on like she could, that was not him. He never even got over the fact that he had killed his best friend, while in reality it had been just a terrible accident. 

He looked up at the starry night sky, not feeling the least bit tired. He was wide awake, his fur stained with his own tears, the scent of Ezimette having been replaced with only his own. Almost everybody was coming and going here, despite the first rule of Asterr being loyalty. What a shame there weren't many out there like her, or Noctura even. 

^_^

There again upon the breeze: he'd smelt it. Wild pig, a tart and fleshy scent that had danced upwind for just the briefest moment before being lost. Noctura had mentioned it to Asterr, of course, a practical utterance among the other words they said to each other day by day, and he moved now to alert Jolon. If there was indeed such large prey in the area then this was big news indeed, but it had been but a whiff... he'd noticed no hoofprints or anything of that nature. It was but a wretched hint: but it would do.

Noctura sought his brother, and found him prowling back and forth and then simply sitting helplessly beneath the heavens. Jolon seemed sad and lost, and, once again, Noc couldn't relate to the silver tears in the other male's eyes. He had always been curious about (and slightly impressed by) the emotions that jumped so readily to Jolon. Good evening, brother, he said, deep voice quiet so not to startle him out of his private moment.

He couldn't sleep, barely ate. the only thing he did was patrol and defend the borders out of habit. He was no slacker, he was just broken. Ezimette had betrayed him, had betrayed her whole home. Asterr had let her back in, and now she just up and left again. That was the lowest thing a wolf could do to their pack, in Jolon's eyes. Slacking was bad, betraying them was bad, but betraying them 2 times was the worst. And they had fell for it, too!

He didn't hunt anymore, found it unnecessary to do so. He wasn't hungry, he kept telling himself, and so he di not seek out smells that could belong to prey. If he had, he probably would've noticed the faint scent of large game on his frequent trips to the borders. But what did it matter? They were all going to die.

Jolon didn't look up as he heard footsteps, nor when his brother spoke up in a whisper. He sighed, pressing his own head into his fur to wipe away some tears. I wouldn't say a good evening, brother. He said. For to be honest; it really wasn't a good evening for him. 

It was a curious truth: Jolon was one of the wolves he cared about most, but the one he was most uncertain around. Not for any reason of rivalry or physical threat: for Noctura did not consider these things, and when it came to physical forces the only thing on his mind was that he wished not to hurt anyone. And Jolon could take care of himself. No, his uncertainty around Jolon came from the male's emotions and the way he expressed them.

Was Noctura to linger? Debate the feelings? Discuss them? Simply listen? He was unsure, so he decided to ask. One heavy black forepaw lingering, in two minds about whether to stay or go, he said: would you like to talk, Jolon? They could speak of the evening, and what shined above it.

Despite Jolon having had a crush on the small dragoness, never would he wish to be anything more than her friend. He had noticed Noctura's scent on her pelt, and that of her on his, and seeing as he always saw every view of a situation, he assumed they had started something more. He was happy for them, for his brother and his chieftess, but bitter about Ezimette leaving him again. He loved his family on the mountain, truly, but not in the same way he had loved her. Now who was to dry his tears and listen to his stories? 

I don't see what should be talked about. He said softly, casting his gray gaze at his paws. I'm sure you know yourself that Ezimette is gone again... He sighed. It seems everything I love is getting separated from me, everything except my home. I- I don't want to lose this, nor you.

Of course it had been Ezimette, this was obvious and sad. The girl had gone, and then gone again. Why? They'd never truly know, because Noctura suspected that any reason she could give would be an excuse and not a reason. He wanted to tell Jolon to move on, to force his thoughts away from his pretty ex-girlfriend, but Noctura was no advisor. The stars were, but the way they gave advice depended on the soul.

What is this 'everything', he asked for clarification, not knowing what Jolon had lost recently other than Ezimette. As for not losing Ryūjin or Noctura himself, he didn't know what to say to that. The wrong stars were shining for blind reassurance.

Moving on was never an option for poor Jolon. He dragged his aching soul everywhere he went, filled with sorrows and regrets, hate and anger. The memories of his other white companion still haunted him to this day, making his relaxing sleep a nightmare and every moment on earth a hell. He gritted his teeth. Fine. If every female in his life was going to leave him, either by tragedy or choice, he would no longer love. The dark man made a promise to himself right then and there; loving was now a sin.

My former home, my former companions, my family... He listed in a sad voice. Every word brought back an image. Perhaps I'm just not made to be loved, nor to love. He sighed, not weeping anymore. This was certainly helping, no matter what Noctura thought of this situation. And I'm fine with that. For now, I'll just protect our pack with all I have got.

Noctura had always felt rather lost around Jolon's emotional manoeuvres, but he had never been unimpressed by them. He had never thought his tears a symbol of weakness, or his open heart an invitation to attack it. Jolon had lost much, and wore each loss like a deep scar that would never heal.

And perhaps never would.

Don't abandon your heart, Jolon, he murmured. It's what makes you you..

He looked up into the dark sky, and saw in the distance a speck of a silver star, like a gleaming teardrop. You see that? It's Al Tarf, the brightest star in the Cancer constellation. If you look carefully at its position in the sky, and if you get used to seeing it, you can find it almost every night. Look to it for guidance. Many have said that Al Tarf shines not because of love, but for love. It's like you, Jolon, I see its light in you. Don't abandon it.

His scars may not heal, but scars did fade with time. Perhaps one day he will wake up to find himself not broken anymore, but that day was far away. His friends, his home was helping though, and he couldn't be happier with Noctura and Asterr by his side. Something stung him. He wanted a woman by his side as well, but who would ever even attempt to mend him? If life was kept the way it was now, he would end up numb, and he didn't look forward to that happening any time soon.

I won't, but others will. He sighed. Therefore I'll just keep it protected.

His eyes followed that of his brother, seeing one bright star that would have never stuck out to him had he not been told to look. It looked so lonely... His mouth gaped open, his eyes focused on that one bright spot. Al Tarf. He didn't know how to respond, only watched the star that his brother found fitting for him. He looked down for a moment, then back at his brother with just the faintest of smiles. I won't. 

The concept of keeping one's heart quietly locked away rather than worn on one's sleeve was something he could relate to. I understand, he conceded. Jolon would not cease being Jolon just by being more cautious with his heart. Indeed, Noctura saw him now in a new light: the light of Al Tarf.

So what now, brother, he continued the conversation smoothly, thinking of what Jolon had said about protecting the pack. What are your plans for Ryūjin?

A breeze blew the dark man's thick fur in new patterns, cooling him off as he finally didn't feel as if his heart was heavier than his spirit. Somewhere, he believed he had not changed. He was still Jolon, with Ezi or not, with family or not. Ryujin was his his home now, Noc and Asterr friends. He smiled. He knew Noc, out of all wolves, would understand.

I'll prevent anyone from trying to break us up, brother. He sighed. You, Asterr, me- we belong now. I won't let this disappear.

End here? :)

Noctura looked at Jolon steadily, and then nodded. He had trust in Jolon's strength — and strength came in many forms.

With that, he gazed back up at Al Tarf, the distant star. Whenever he looked at that light, he would think of his friend here.