Blackfeather Woods heavy dirty soul

for @Xan BECAUSE I TOTALLY THOUGHT I REPLIED TO THE OTHER THREAD AHHHHHGGG sorry!!!

Guilt, it was a terrible thing. Even she could not escape it's threshold no matter how hard she tried to push it to the back of her mind. She had not spoken to Xan after her and Kove's mateship, and even though their relations did not concern Xan, she could not help but to feel she had left him in the dark. Did he even know? Sure, maybe she was blowing things out of proportion, but technically, she was Xan's... step mother. The idea sent a shiver down her spine, not like she detested the idea but the realism was frightening. How did one even react to that, thrust into an impossible situation? Nevertheless, it was unlikely she could avoid him for the rest of forever so there was no point in delaying the inevitable. 

But that didn't mean she had to do it right then. If he came along her path, she would stop him but procrastination was her default setting and there was no changing that. She had even delayed talking to Kove, too. It was horrible, but she knew how things worked. The next thing they knew, she'd be popping kids and playing housewife for the rest of her miserable life while being pooped on and harassed by children. The idea seemed unlikely to her, but it did not stop her from thinking it. Regardless, she had a mate and he had a kid and there was no avoiding that, ever.

It's cool! I forget about threads pretty much everyday, so I understand lmao

While the news might not have come from Nemesis, he had not been left in the dark. Kove had told him of the relationship between the two, and it'd quickly become something he had no idea how to respond to. It wasn't a betrayal, his parents had split from one another long ago, but still, it was strange to him. What did that then mean Nem was to him? Another mother? Considering the relationship with his biological mother had gone so well (cue the sarcasm), he wasn't entirely sure if he even wanted another maternal figure in his life. Subconsciously, perhaps it was what he most desired, but consciously... he couldn't figure it out. She seemed like a good wolf, like someone that wouldn't do the same to him and his father that Scarlett had, but even still he remained reluctant. He'd even taken to avoiding both his father and Nemesis after having learned of the news, disinterested in an awkward exchange.

Today, however, he had failed with his elaborate plan of evasion. By the time he'd caught wind of the woman's scent, he'd already placed himself well within her line of sight. On the off chance he'd been missed, however, Xan had turned around immediately after realizing his mistake and began moving in the opposite direction. His avoidance was literally anything except for smooth, but that did stop him from attempting to get away anyways.

And just like that did the figure of Xan appear, her muscles freezing in it's place. He had ignored her, the worst sign she would possibly think of. But that was the way Xan worked, and perhaps it wasn't all that bad. Either way, she had to know. "Wait," she muttered, approaching him, though she had to remind herself that technically he was an adult now. But from there she did not know what to do. It most certainly awkward, and honestly, she couldn't think of anything to talk about. There had been something, but all previous thoughts had blanked, leaving her to mentally studder as she tried to think of something.

She walked in step with him, surprised how much he had grown since the last time. No doubt he would want to climb the ranks, and at this point she was certain any rank challenge, she would support him in. After All, he had been in the woods longer and had plenty of experiance dealing with wolves of their kind. "How have you been?" She was genuinely interested, and the awkward exchange seemed to fade as she did so. Coming off the bat with "So you're an adult now, congratulations" was due for a less than smooth encounter. No, she wanted to know how he was and didn't care for the small talk that neither even wanted. Pushing everything out into the open was, what was best instead of subtly trying to meet ends. 

Given how uncoordinated his evasion had been, it shouldn't have surprised him in even the slightest bit that Nemesis had noticed him. It was assumed she had something to say, too, as she did not just let him pass on by anyways. Instead, she had called out to him, requesting that he wait so that she might catch up with him. He'd not known right away what he would do, having considered the idea of pretending as if he hadn't heard her. Even just ignoring her had crossed his mind, but before he'd been able to choose, the decision had been made for him. Already had the woman approached him, leaving him without a way to escape whatever she wanted to talk about. It was discouraging, but he tried to push past that, keeping still and biding his time. For the time being, he'd decided to remain there, perhaps entertain whatever topic she wished to bring up, before making a quick getaway.

The two had fallen into stride beside one another, the silence eventually being broken by a question. Xan did not respond right away, though, choosing to keep quiet for a little while longer. When he'd finally decided to speak, all he'd answered with was, "Fine, I guess." He felt neutral, really, or more uncertain of his feelings than anything else. Things were changing around him so quickly, and even within him as he'd started to develop new emotions that he'd never experienced before—all of which were inspired by a number of topics. "Am I going to be replaced by whatever children you two have?" he'd suddenly blurted out, looking at her for hardly a second before averting his gaze. It was an actual concern of his, even if he had joined the adult ranks already. He was still his father's son, and couldn't help but wonder if the union of Kove and Nemesis would spell trouble for him.

She was glad to know that Xan was sparing fine, but she did not think otherwise. While at times she found that perhaps he was a tad bit emotionally unstable, which concerned her, she also noticed that he was quite mature and could handle himself without much assistance. She trusted him, unlike a casual placement of faith she put in every one of her fellow packmates. But when the next words flew from his mouth, she couldn't help wonder how much he trusted her. She stammered, eyes widened at the topic of.. children. Definitely not the conversation she thought she would be having with him. Did he think if they had.. children, Xan would be cast aside? Well, neither of those things would happen as she was not even entirely sure she wanted spawn. "Who said anything about children?" She muttered in her own little bubble of shock. Had Kove implied.. well he had not said anything, but Burke wouldn't let.. no, it was simply preposterous at such an early stage in their relationship. 

"I'm not sure I will ever have children, truthfully," She said aloud. That kind of responsibility was horrifying. She had no experiance, nor knew anything about kids besides what she learned from observing Kendra. But one was nothing compared to a whole litter, which was probable if she and Kove ever procreated. "And if I did, I doubt they would come close to being as bearable as you, so no, you could never be replaced," She replied, quite stoic but sincere at the same time. Kendra had been a good breed of child, bearable and intelligent unlike a usual annoying offspring. Xan was tricky, but was mature even when his childhood seemed to be damaged, he did not adopt the same fickle nature one would have in the same situation. If she ever had children with Kove, she would ensure they were taught with strict proficiency, no doubt to become members of the Brotherhood, earn their trades early, skip the mushy childhood of wonderlust. Yes, that would make sure they were not as adults, stupid, as that was her utmost nightmare.

The statement had seemed to send the woman into a brief state of shock, which was something he couldn't quite grasp. He often spoke without a filter, thereby eliminating the shock factor of his words within his mind. No, it was just a normal conversation to him, and he'd proceeded in that manner. "No one, but I assumed," he'd returned. "When my mom and dad got together, they had my siblings and me. I figured the same would happen here." He didn't know yet that permission was needed from the leaders of a pack in order for subordinates to reproduce, nor did he know of Nemesis' uncertainty over the idea of children. It was something that he'd assumed would happen, as it made sense to him. If a male and a female got together, then they had children—or so was what he thought, anyways. The specifics of it were lost on him, but that was, perhaps, a conversation better left for another day.

It was revealed to him then the decision the woman faced, not yet knowing whether or not she'd ever have children. "Why don't you know?" the boy asked, ignoring the fact that such a question was maybe a little bit too personal. Maybe she saw things in the same light as he did, that reproducing wasn't a desirable thing to do. Children lead to families falling apart, or such had been his experience. When she'd assured him that he could never be replaced either way, his mood brightened, but it was an unnoticeable change for it was dampened once more not long after. "I've been replaced before, so how do I know you aren't just saying that?" Honestly, he hadn't actually been replaced, but had always felt as if his birth mother preferred the boy she'd found—Leo—over Xan, the one she'd given birth to. The thoughts were irrational, at best, but had stuck with him either way.

She did not think much about Kove's former mate, nor her state of health. "Well, I think it's different for every one. Your Mother was probably ready to be one, but I guess.. i'm not," She replied truthfully. Maybe one day, but not while she had not done so many other things first. Children were life changing, the responsibility, the caution.. Kove had experienced it but she had not. "My childhood was different than your's. I had a mother, but she did not act like one but like a teacher, forced to look after pre-planned young she did not truly want. I did not have a father, as far as I knew he could have been any one of the males within the pack. Siblings, many. All created for the same reason, not for love. I don't know much about children, only from what I've learnt from you and Kendra. It's just not something I excel at, and I don't plan to rush into it with an empty head." She did not speak much of her childhood, only because she deemed it unnecessary. It was the usual sob story that nobody cared to know, and she had overcome. 

Her brow furrowed when Xan spoke of being replaced before. "How do you mean?" Certainly not here, or she would have done something. "You are Kove's son, you followed him here despite many things. You were the first kid I cared to know, and even though I am not, I will not hesitate to say that I care for you like a son. We stick together, and if I ever have children with your father, they will not take first priority but share the same affections as I do you," She was headstrong about the subject. She did not leave anyone behind, and would never let it happen. Even Xan's doubt on the subject made her upset that perhaps he felt she could move on without him. There were very select few that she needed in her life to keep her sane, and he was one of them. There was no doubt about that.

Never had he considered that things might be different between Nemesis and his father. He'd assumed that, because they were together, they would have children and then he'd be forgotten. The fact that other components played into whether or not a couple received children was new to him, and caused for his brows to knit together for a moment. "I don't think you have an empty head," he'd said, the words slowly having been processed. He'd grown fond of her since having joined Blackfeather, whether he'd admit to it or not, and couldn't help but think she was ready for anything—but of course, Alexander didn't know the first thing to parenthood, nor was he aware of the responsibilities that came along with it. "I don't think my mother was actually ready for us," he'd admitted then, but stopped there. Scarlett had given birth to him and his siblings but, from the boy's perspective, had not maintained their lives like she was supposed to. She'd chosen herself over them, in the end, and that was something he would always hold against her.

His previous statement was questioned, resulting in him frowning. "My mother," the boy began, drawing the word out for it began to feel strange on his tongue. "When we were in the valley, she found another child. She took him in and cared for him, even favoured him over me. He became her son, while I was cast aside." Again, not quite the truth, but it was how he'd felt towards the matter. Leo had replaced him in every way. He'd become the son and brother that Xan was supposed to be, while the young Inuit had been shoved to the back of the crowd and left there. Still, for some reason, he felt as if he could trust Nemesis after she'd spoken. In spite of his past experiences, he didn't push himself away from her, but instead decided to give her his trust in the hopes that she would never betray it. However, he did not verbally state this. Rather, he'd moved closer to her and, if allowed, shoved his head against her chest and sought out a hug. It was possible the first he'd ever initiated, and couldn't deny that it felt weird to do so, but he'd wanted to show her that he did trust her, and believed all that had been said.

Nemesis had never thought Xan to be much of an affectionate boy. When it came down to it, he would love those he cared for but otherwise those emotions were not so nessicary to him. This was proved wrong, by his actions and his words. And much to her great suprise. His kind words made her love him more, as if he was truly her son. But alas it was not the case. She was nobody's mother. She could pretend that she was, but Xan had a true mother, Scarlett. Little did she know that this did not matter anymore, but it did not change much. 

But to her extreem shock did Xan embrace her, and she instantly returned the affection after a brief moment of both shock and hesitation. Her eyes had marginally widened, but when she settled down into his fur did she calm. It felt natural to hug him, although it was new for both of them. This would never change. She loved him, as she loved Kove, her family.

"I will never leave you alone,"

Last post from me.

The act of hugging another individual was new for him, and had proven to be something that he'd never quite get used to doing when the gesture was returned. He'd felt uncomfortable, then, as if he was being confined to a single space; there was a part of that also felt as if it was some sort of commitment that he had no business in making. He'd lingered for only a short period of time before having pulled himself out of her embrace, placing a few steps between them and averting his gaze. His skin felt heated—it was most likely out of embarrassment, but he'd related it to anger being directed at an unknown source—and so he'd avoided her gaze for as long as he was able, but still had his ears perked up in response to her words. Xan had tried to fight the urge to look up at her, but had lost the battle and soon found his own gaze boring into hers.

His tongue felt dry, the words he'd wanted to say unable to be properly formed. Surely he would take her promise to heart, and so the idea of her ever breaking it upset him greatly. Rather than voicing that, however, he'd settled on something else entirely. "Thanks, Nem," he'd said, forcing a smile to spread across his lips, but there was no denying how strained it looked. After that, he'd stayed for a bit longer, almost as if to ensure that what she'd said was true. And then later on, he'd been the first to take his leave, not yet ready to turn her into a liar.