Dragoncrest Cliffs When are having a heartfelt conversation

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@Kendra

Several weeks had passed since his entry into the coastal pack, though only recently had he started to feel more at home. Things still felt tense at times, for the culture of the pack and its inhabitants was something that he’d yet to pick up on. Thankfully, for the most part, he’d found a way to keep his calm and at least begin to assimilate into the pack; his process undoubtedly moved at a sluggish pace, but slow and steady always wins the race. He felt as if he had Kendra to thank for his new chance at life, for she had saved him just as much as he had saved her. Had they not been reunited that day and decided to travel together, he could not even imagine where he might have ended up. He’d been without a home and friends, chased from the one place that he'd known and left behind by those that he thought had cared enough to stay. Only Kendra remained now, and he didn’t want to lose her, too.

In the night, he had awoken from a particularly rough dream, one of which that had left him without the ability to fall back into a slumberous state. Pushing himself off of the ground, the search for his friend had begun, her scent being one that he was unlikely to ever forget. And once the boy had found her, his head had been lowered so that he could gently nudge her cheek, hoping to rouse her. Alexander hadn’t wanted to disturb her sleep, but thoughts weighed heavily on his mind and they were ones that he wished to relieve himself of.

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Kendra was tightly curled up in her usual spot ever since she arrived. By now she had made her bed much softer with mosses she found under the snow and plucks of fur she took from her meals. The girl was sleeping quite peacefully dreaming about unrealistic things. The dark girl was quite startled when she was roused.

The girl snapped awake, ready to jump to action though when she realized it was just Xan and no one else around she relaxed. She squinted her eyes at him and yawned. She settled on her bed sitting down, her look was questionable at Xan. "Is something wrong?," she asked, her voice still groggy from sleep and startling awake.

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A step away was taken after realizing he’d startled her, but quickly had it been taken back as he crept closer once again. He gave her an apologetic look, his intention having not been to wake her so suddenly; it was true that the boy had wanted to see her eyes open, but not so suddenly that a panic was caused. Swallowing, he began to move passed it by shaking his head and saying, “No, nothing’s wrong. I just couldn’t fall back to sleep.” A long pause followed his words whilst a frown pulled at the corners of his lips, his mind troubled. “Actually, I guess there is something wrong,” he then added, taking back his previous statement. He wasn’t entirely sure how to word what it was that bothered him, thus leading to yet another pause as he considered his next words. To explain to her his thoughts, as well as what had been weighing on his mind, proved to be far more difficult than he’d initially thought it would be.

Drawing in a breath, he asked, “You remember when we agreed to be each other’s home?” It was a good place to begin, he thought. Continuing, he inquired further into the matter, asking, “I know this is our home now, but that still applies to us, right? We’re still one another’s home?” Xan looked at her expectantly, eagerly awaiting her answer. It seemed silly, having to hear her confirm that what they’d decided still applied even after having joined a pack. It was, however, something that he needed, even if he hadn’t yet fully realized it.

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Kendra was about to go back to sleep until Xan spoke about that there might be something wrong. The girl frowned and blinked more awake to give him her attention. She slowly tipped her head. The girl listened to his words about them being each other's home. She nodded, as she remembered that she said that to him. They had grown up together after all. She was briefly confused about his way of questioning.

Kendra slowly started to nod. "Of course you are my home Xan," she spoke, after all he was like a big brother to her. The girl wagged her tail lightly to comfort him. "Though somehow I do feel I am more at home here than you are. Do you want to leave this place? Is that it?," she asked curiously.

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The confirmation should have been enough to ease his mind, and yet, he still felt as if he was being weighed down by something. Briefly, a small smile flashed across his face, but it disappeared just as quickly as it'd arrived. They were still one another's home, that wouldn't change, but they also had a second home in Drageda. He looked away when questioned, considering whether or not he truly wanted the second home, before shaking his head. “No, I don't want to leave,” he told her, the thought having not crossed his mind for some time now. “I just”—he drew in a breath, then spoke on the exhale—“I don't want to lose you.” In one way or another, everyone else had been lost to him, but he didn't want for the same to happen with Kendra. She had been the first to get him to talk about what bothered him so long ago, and together they had conquered the famine. He actually felt what he thought was happiness when around her, and he didn't want that to be taken away from him.

Slowly, it dawned on him what next he needed to say, but the words didn't come easy. Shifting his weight around, he eventually settled and sat down, gaze downcast. “Look, I think I like you,” he blurted, knowing he wouldn't be able to say it any other way. “More than just a friend.” Emotions had never been something that he really understood, aside from anger. To be angry was as easy for Xan as swimming was for a fish, but everything else was a struggle. There were plenty of emotions that he'd yet to experience and understand the feeling of, and even more that he didn't even know existed. In spite of that, he felt confident with what he was currently feeling, as well as the name that he'd applied to it.

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Kendra was relieved to hear that Xan didn't want to leave. She briefly wondered if she would follow him if he wanted to leave. They were each other's home but she liked it here at Drageda, and she longed for some stability. She decided she couldn't decide now if she would go with him, hence the relief that he wanted to stay. She smiled and bobbed her head. Her ears perked up when he continued. It was like he wanted to get it off his chest. She frowned when he did speak. Lose her? Why would he lose her?

Though it seemed Kendra was thinking far more innocently than he was. As he continued with his confession Kendra was quite... baffled. "Me?," she let out in surprise, before her mind started racing. She had never seen Xan as more than just a friend. A big brother that looked out for her. Xan was always so stoic that she had the idea he never felt much. Surely she knew he cared for her, but not on such a deep level. Kendra wasn't even busy with love or a mate. She didn't feel pretty or wanted. Without her mother she never even learned how to handle boys. With the brotherhood it was usually sex and lust, and she was feeling none of that for Xan.

Guilt came over her. She knew Xan, and how he was with feelings. Her ears dropped and it looked like she was struggling what to say to him. "I... Xan. I never... You are my big brother. You take care of me, you are the only family I have left." She saw him as family, a part of her, not as something romantic or someone she could use for lust. "I'm so sorry," she whispered and battered her pale eyes at him, she looked so upset. She didn't want to hurt Xan.

*hides*

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What was to be expected, he knew not. It had been his first time confessing to anyone—his first time accepting that he had emotions, actually—which left him without anything to compare her reaction to. At first, she had seemed shocked, but he wasn’t entirely sure if that was a good thing or not. He held his tongue, saying nothing, and then nodded. Of course he had meant her; he knew no other wolf with her name, nor did he feel nearly as connected with anyone else as he did her. It had been difficult in the past, their initial meeting having been quite the rocky path to maneuver, but they’d worked through it. For her, he had put his ego aside in order to ensure that she survived, and he’d do it again if need be. Recalling the past only confused him further, making him wonder about why she had been shocked by his realization. Had they not experienced the same events? Felt the same things? The more he thought about it, the more uncertain of himself he became.

As her ears lowered, his followed suit. He hadn’t expected her to repeat back to him what had been revealed, or anything, for that matter. His inexperience, the not knowing, had set him up to be knocked right down—which is precisely what her words had done. It felt as if a weight was crushing him, and yet, he didn’t feel any anger. There was pain, but it hadn’t been followed by a surge of rage, just a sort of emptiness. It wasn’t right, not for Xan. As he stood there, silent, he tried so desperately to get angry, but the feeling never arose. Even though things hadn’t gone his way, he couldn’t, for whatever reason, lash out. For several moments, he stood there as still as a statue, trying to figure out why he couldn’t do anything, before finally giving in and shaking his head.

“It’s okay, I didn’t expect you to feel the same,” he lied, trying to offer some ounce of comfort. “Don’t be upset.” Seeing her get upset, he had needed to put his own issues aside and focus on what he could do to make her feel better, just as he had done in the past and would continue to do for as long as he could.

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Kendra felt bad for rejecting Xan’s feelings. After all her family members left, she never really thought romantically of anyone. Xan seemed more family to her than a romantic interest. Though, as she looked back now and seeing how he cared for her it seemed logical that he was feeling this way. She wondered if he would still like her now he was sort of rejected. Kendra questioned herself if she liked Xan in that way, but the thought never occurred to her.

Everyone she loved separated from her. Xan was the most constant factor. She didn’t see love as something permanent. As soon as she loved someone then they would usually leave her. Hence why the thought of truly loving Xan never occurred to her. She loved her brother deeply, and even that didn’t bring him back. It would never bring him back. She could only hang on to his memory. Then she reminded herself that a brotherly love was different from a romantic love. Yet, she did think of her brother when thinking of Xan.

She didn’t know what to say to him, even though it seemed he was offering her comfort. She didn’t want the comfort, he should be  comforted, right? ”You will stay in this pack, right? Or will you go now?” Kendra didn’t want him to go.




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WHAT AM I DOING

Numerous thoughts whirled around within his mind, shouting whilst whispering simultaneously. There was so much to think about, so much to consider, but he couldn’t focus on anything other than Kendra. His gaze went from lingering on to staring past her, then back to the girl’s face again as he tried to figure out what else he could say. It had hurt, being told that the way he felt was not a mutual experience, but he tried not to show it—of course, he failed miserably at hiding his emotions. Between the slight twitch of his lips to the shimmer in his eyes, he was there to be read like an open book. For so long, he had swallowed his emotions down and ran away from them, convincing himself that he could feel nothing for the sole purpose of preventing himself from ever feeling pain again. Between the loss of his mother and the various occasions of abandonment, he had never wanted to be hurt again, but life was a dastardly inamorata, hellbent on causing every disturbance possible. He couldn’t help but wonder if things would have been better had he kept silent, held his tongue and continued through life without ever telling her of his affections. For a fleeting second, he wished to travel back in time and stop himself from speaking. Within the deepest depths of his heart, however, he knew that doing so would only have brought a greater amount of pain down upon him.

Shifting, he looked away from her, able to watch no longer. He was without an answer, unable to decide, at first, if he wanted to stay or go. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he couldn’t go anywhere, nor did he have any desire to. She had turned him down, yes, but that did not mean that he couldn’t try again. With a slow shake of his head, Xan said, “I’m not going anywhere.” He spoke with nothing but honesty in his voice, despite being unable to look back up at her. There was nothing that he wanted to do more right then than reach out and touch her, to lay his chin atop her head and make sure that she knew he’d never leave, but he couldn’t move. All he could do was stand there, staring at the ground whilst he wondered about what to do next until a thought struck him.

Lifting his head, he locked eyes with her, the gloom still evident but now accompanied by determination. “I’m not giving up,” stated the yearling, his voice full of conviction. “I’m going to stay here with you, and I’m going to show you how much I care. I’m not going to be your brother, I can’t be. I want to show you that I mean what I said, that… that I might love you.” The word was a foreign presence within his mouth, feeling awkward as it rolled off his tongue. Never could he recall having spoken it before, having doubted for the majority of his life that he could ever feel so strongly towards another living being. “If you never feel the same, then I guess I’ll leave you alone, but I’m never going to stop feeling this way,” he declared, channeling the boy from his youth—from before he’d been attacked, back when there was nothing that he wouldn’t say or do. “I just want a chance to show you that we can be more than friends, better than siblings.” An opportunity to further expose himself, to share every ounce of devotion that he had to give. He wanted his chance at being more than just content, but truly and genuinely happy.

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Fighting for Xan's right! :D :P

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Kendra was relieved when the other spoke of staying in the pack with her. She would not know who to choose if Xan would be leaving. She liked this pack, she felt at home here. She made friends. She was not sure if she wanted to give that all up for one wolf she saw as her brother. Luckily she didn't have to make that choice. The male would stay. Kendra was glad to have him. Hopefully he would be a little easier now with the other packmates. He should make more friends in her eyes.

Xan continued. Kendra lifted her head a bit to listen. She faintly frowned as he spoke about not giving up. Kendra's dots raised when he spoke about love. It was quite a step to talk about that. Love. Kendra didn't think much about that word. She loved Pietro, he died. She loved her father but he abandoned her. She loved the mother she never knew. All were lost. The only one she loved, as a brother, was Xan. She didn't want to lose him either. Then she had no one left. A romantic love was something she didn't even think about. It never occurred to her that it was even possible. The girl never had a crush before. She knew about sex and lust, but not about a romantic sort of love.

Kendra's frown deepened. "What if I never had a crush on anyone? What are you going to do differently now than before?," she questioned as she couldn't phantom for the life of it what he was going to do now. She was not even sure if she wanted that kind of love, that kind of attention. What if Xan wanted things of her she didn't want? He made it clear she could say no. It sounded far too complicated in her mind. Why couldn't they just stay friends?

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The faint traces of a frown went by unnoticed but, as it deepened, he eventually caught on. It took every ounce of willpower that he could muster to not mimic her expression, choosing to instead maintain his look of determination; for a fleeting second, a frown pulled at his lips anyways, but it was quickly swept away. Her questions made him fall silent, several moments being taken to truly consider his responses. The former was concerning, and this he made known as his brows pinched together, but not something that could convince him to give up. It was a possibility, yes, but so were many other things. A plethora of possibilities existed, some more likely than others, but none were confirmed to happen without a doubt. With all of the opportunities that he held, it was easy to be reeled into a false sense of confidence—this he was powerless against, easily fooled by his aplomb.

With a careless abruptness, he abandoned his musings, shaking his head in the process. “If you never feel anything more towards me, or anyone else, then that’s okay,” he decided, well aware of his own inability to force her into anything. Her safety, her emotions, came first. Although he could be selfish, and terribly so, that was a side of him that he wished to never again reveal to her. Alexander wanted only to care for her, to be allowed to love her, and to make sure that she knew he could always be counted on; she would be put first every time. “I want us to become closer, but…” trailing off, he glanced back towards the ground. “I don’t want to make you love me. I want for this to be real, for us both to be happy.” For as tempting as the idea of obtaining his own genuine euphoria was, her own could not be shoved aside so that he might reach for his. He did not want something that wouldn’t last—he didn’t want a lie.

Dragging his gaze back up towards her own, he offered a small, half-smile. He hadn’t thought of a response to the latter of her inquiries but soon discovered that he didn’t need to. “I’ll treat you better,” he answered, the response coming to him naturally. “I’ll make my feelings known, I’ll show you how much I care whenever we’re together. I’ll be nicer to others and try to open up more—all for you.” It would be difficult, he did not doubt that, but it would be worth it. The better relations he had with the other members of the pack, the more time he would be able to spend with Kendra; even if she was with something else, he could be there with them and not bring down the mood. As he thought of the benefits, and of spending more time with her, a question floated into his mind that encouraged him to take a step and decrease the space between them. “Could we maybe sleep together?” asked the yearling, albeit rather hesitantly. “Or just close to one another? Every night?” Whilst asking made him feel uncomfortable, the idea itself seemed to put his mind at ease. They would always be close together, allowing him to keep her safe, and he would never be without her.

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Kendra was not sure about his suggestions but then again; how would she know if it would work? She was happy before Xan made his confession but that was perhaps a bit of a selfish thought, because Xan wasn't happy. He wanted her for himself. Kendra's ears fell back and she glanced at the bigger male. At least he wasn't forcing her, and she wouldn't have expected that from Xan really. He had always been sweet to her. She knew that much.

"But you don't like others. I don't want you to change yourself because of me. Or to get my favor," she returned. She never expected Xan to like the others or to make friends. But at least help enough that the pack would consider him one of them and would let him stay. Kendra's ears also flopped back at his suggestion. They had spend nights together before, especially when she needed the extra heat from his body. But somehow she couldn't help but think that Eske might like her less if she would smell of Xan. She wanted Eske as her friend but she didn't seem to like Xan.

Kendra was hesitant about it all. "Um.. yeah..," she mumbled and glanced her eyes away. She looked uncertain. "I still need to get used to the idea that you ... like me in such a way," she admitted to him. "Can I come back to the sleeping together later?" Kendra figured he meant actual sleeping, not as in having sex. She was not very interested in that. When looking at Blackfeather lust seemed to get wolves in trouble, especially when she looked at her dad.

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It would be an adjustment, and a large one at that, but he was willing to do all that was demanded of him to prove himself. For so long, he had gone through life hating nearly everyone he met. Yet, Kendra was different. Whatever negative feelings he’d had towards her once so long ago were gone, replaced by affections that seemed to grow stronger with each rise and fall of the sun. For her, it was likely that he might do just about anything, just as long as it resulted in her happiness. And though doing so had been enough for a long while, he craved more now, wanting to be able to walk the earth knowing that she was his. That, should he speak to another, he could tell of the fondness between them, all whilst being certain that he would not be left behind—not again. The desire for something real, something that he could not have taken away from him, kept his determination alive. It couldn’t be just anyone, though. It had to be Kendra, that much he was certain of, for the love he felt towards her had not faded even after her departure from Blackfeather so long ago. She was a constant in his life, even when she was not physically there, and he couldn’t run the risk of losing her—especially not to someone else, whose emotions could never be as strong as his.

A frown pulled at the corners of his lips but was without a lengthy span of life. Alexander’s gaze found hers again after he gave a slow shake of his head, a smile worn by his lips. “I don’t like others,” he repeated, unable to deny that. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to be decent towards them. I don’t know if I can be, but I want to try so that I never have to leave you to avoid them.” It was bound to be a difficult task, the path riddled with more bumps than wolves in the world, but he was willing to give it a shot—when he remembers to, that is. It was for her, that he would say over and over again if asked to give a reason, but it was also for himself. Whilst the albino was unlikely to ever admit it aloud, or even to himself, he was lonely. Although he did not actively seek out companionship, nor would he ever, he needed at least one other soul on his side; the position was one that he hoped to someday be filled by Kendra, given that she was the only one that he had ever been able to develop true emotions towards. It happened long ago but, once during a time of great despair, she had been the one able to turn his rage into care.

The request was made with a great deal of hope behind it, all of which he pushed to the side as he received an answer. It was not what he had hoped to hear, nor was it anywhere close, but it was something—a start, hopefully, though he wouldn’t place any bets on that theory. “Yeah, I’ll let you think about it,” he told her, the words rushed a bit more than he would have liked. “Take your time, I guess.” On one hand, he didn’t want to rush anything. He didn’t want to move too fast or force her into anything that she was not ready for, and he definitely didn’t want to risk scaring her off. Yet, he still wanted something—anything that might suggest he had a chance, or perhaps a sign that his confession hadn’t been a mistake.

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Kendra liked that he was at least willing to try and be nicer to others. It would be a big step for her own bonding with the pack. Kendra realized that she might have been terribly selfish? Then there was the whole matter of sleeping together. It shouldn't be a big deal but for her it was. She usually slept alone, only the times when she had been emaciated she had the need to snuggle against someone. She always had been peculiar.

Her pale eyes fell into Xan's eyes. She did not know what to say to him further. He confessed his love for her, each thing she would continue on might seem disrespectful towards him. She just wanted him to stay her friend. Love didn't get anyone anywhere. She hoped Xan didn't have a lot of hope for her love. She might not be able to ever give that to him.

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